I find it interesting how apologetic people are when they are no longer in a relationship.....
H called this morning and apologized for being so rude and yelling at me about my vehicle yesterday. I was happy that he said it, but disappointed that he could never ever say he was sorry during our relationship.....why now? Maybe he's just happy with his lady friend....whatever. Trying not to analyze too much these days.
I find it interesting how apologetic people are when they are no longer in a relationship.....
H called this morning and apologized for being so rude and yelling at me about my vehicle yesterday. I was happy that he said it, but disappointed that he could never ever say he was sorry during our relationship.....why now? Maybe he's just happy with his lady friend....whatever. Trying not to analyze too much these days.
Well, maybe he realizes his behavior and feels bad. He would probably do that before because he took you/your relationship for granted (I took my H for granted for sure... and would take out frustrations on him and I did apologize but it wasn't right)
NOW - My H apologizes for contacting me half the time. Sorry seems to be in most contact and always a ty or yw. But "sorry" if he were really sorry he'd be trying to save our family by at least working on healing himself and going to IC/MC.
Well, maybe he realizes his behavior and feels bad. He would probably do that before because he took you/your relationship for granted (I took my H for granted for sure... and would take out frustrations on him and I did apologize but it wasn't right)
I think we all take ou spouses for granted after many years, iam guilty of it for sure.
NOW - My H apologizes for contacting me half the time. Sorry seems to be in most contact and always a ty or yw. But "sorry" if he were really sorry he'd be trying to save our family by at least working on healing himself and going to IC/MC.
I don't understand? he is having a dinner with a female friend or is it you?
It was me having dinner with a girlfriend of mine.i was thinking that he was being nice because he,s happy with his personal life....ie. his female friend. I do not want to question things too much, its just weird, but makes my life easier.
I had to decline the job after all...grrrr. It was way too complicated to arrange my kids schedule for the job. It started at 8:15 am, and it was a 45 min. commute in heavy traffic. It would have meant I would have to leave the house at 7:00am, and my son's daycare isn't even open at the time. Then there were two evening requirements, which meant xh would have had to pick up kids, make dinner (lol), and put them to bed, all at my place. yeah, not happening.
So, the job search continues.
the interviewer made the most inappropriate comment (female).
She was wondering how old I was, since she was looking for an older canditate, so she's fishing for it. I mentioned I have three kids, he jaw dropped, and she asked how old I was. I told her my lovely age of 44, and she says "you're the first white woman I've met that doesn't look her age"....WTF?? and she kept going on about it.
I get that a lot, my son (21) and I hang out sometimes, people think he's my brother, it just seemed so random in an interview....a somewhat professional atmosphere...what do I know anyhow..lol I haven't had an interview in a couple of years.
I understand why people hate Facebook now.....I'm not big on it, I'll check up on relatives across the country, but that's about it. Someone was nice enough to inform me of my H's new status......in a relationship....yep, funny how people move on so fast...in like a month.
I`m kind of having a tough week, actually a tough year lol. But, I have to take each day as it comes or effing try to. The problem I usually have is that I have a tendency to think about things too much, I worry about my kids until I make myself sick. Sometimes I just can`t help it, I worry that I`ve screwed them up for life for what I`ve done to my family, to my husband. The past 5 weeks I`ve done a lot of thinking about my past behavior, when I had my affair in 2010. Although H and I R for a year, it was a tough year for him, I didn`t pull my weight the way I should have, and he was angry with me quite a bit.
Before we separated I felt guilty, ashamed, remorseful (not nearly enough for R) on an intellectual level, but in the last little while, I feel it in my heart. It probably doesn`t make sense, but it`s just a different feeling, I feel like it`s weighing me down sometimes. I`ll have to deal with this in IC of course.
H and I discussed what we want from mediation. We actually had lunch and discussed things in a fairly normal way. We haven`t done anything normal in the way we communicate in so long, it felt strange. He really wants to see the kids every weekend, Ì`m ok with it, but on paper he wants 50 50, he says it`s to make him feel like he`s particiapating, or can have access when he wants. We came to an agreement that he will not provide any child support, but will pay for their yearly activities, ballet, swimming lessons, day camp. It comes to about 1200 a year. I don`t want much from him, never did, I do feel like he deserves something better now. I told him that when I find a job, we can even split some of the fees. I really want to make it up to him even though I do not want to R.
I guess the biggest sting for me, and even though I do not want the relationship, it`s that he has already moved on with another woman. Wow, I don`t ask questions, but during lunch the other day he felt this need to tell me everything, ok, yeah, he`s very open, always has been, but seriously, it wasn`t necessary, I kept saying ``as long as your happy``. But inside I was boiling a bit, I just didn`t want to hear anymore. I don`t need to know that she sleeps over at his place, or that he might get married again one day, and more children may not be out of the question. Yeah, I guess I deserved to feel some pain after what I did to him, maybe I should hear what it`s like, what he felt in order to really understand some of the pain he experienced. Then he would start to cry, and remind me of what I`ve done to him, that he will never trust women again. That hurt...made me sick to know i did this to him. I said sorry again, but at this point it means nothing. I told him he deserves to be loved the way he wants, to have someone devoted, he said he `loves`` her, but not in love with her, and that he also loves me still. I think he feels guilty about moving on so quickly, and wants to know from me that it`s ok, or to get my approval. I can`t give him approval, not right now. He siad he would feel better knowing if I was dating. I told him when the time is right I will, not ready right now. He said he wanted to know when I have sex the first time. WTF, then he`ll know I`ve moved on. I don`t know what to make of that comment or question. Weird, and i wouldn`t tell him anyway.
I don`t want to move on and date other people yet, I`m not ready for it, how can he be. So he`s known her for a year or so through work, yeah, it`s comfortable for them. I only asked that the kids not be around her or them for about 6 months.
We only have one issue, my son`s daycare teacher, whoa, he hates her. They had an argument a couple of months ago, and then another one today. He phoned me in a rage, and told me to speak to her. Basically she`s rude to him, I don`t think she likes him much. It puts me in a bad position though. And the fact that he was ranting in front of the kids in the car while on the phone with me. I kept saying to wait til the kids are in bed, then call me, otherwise son will feel the tension and not want to go, or whatever. Usually, he`s really good at not discussing issues in front of the kids, but he really dislikes this woman, it`s too bad because our son loves her.
When my husband left me, becasue of my treatment of him, I asked him if he believed that I realized what I had done.
He looked at me and said, "I think you know what you've done, but I don't think you have realized what you've done."
And I didn't understand what he meant, until i was alone for a while. Then it hit and I felt it.
Even though you are beyond R, you can learn to forgive yourself. It takes time. It takes loving yourself even for your shortcomings and it takes rebuilding of yourself from the ground up.
I hope things get a little better soon...it's hard to be so down for so long.
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Re: Staying Strong.... 
