So I see my soon to be ex-wife. I signed a joint divorce so she could move on with this new found life. I ask her why she gave up on the marriage. She says I did not give up on the marriage. I replied, "If you did not give up on the marriage and I did not give up on the marriage, why are we getting a divorce?" How can someone honestly think that they decided on the divorce and that they did not give up on the marriage? Can anyone please explain this to me.
Thurm,
My soon to be ex-wife also says the same thing, "I didn't change, I didn't give up on you, the marriage, the kids." Well I DIDN"T want the divorce, I didn't want to move out of the house, not see my kids all the time.
Dude she is gone crazy, she choose this life, the rejection is hers not yours. Don't own it. I've been through the rollercoaster big time the last two months. Ask yourself though, would you rather go through a short term lonliness, etc in order to have long term happiness, or be unhappy with her for the rest of your life?
While I didn't choose my situation, I am choosing to be happy now, take the steps forward to move on.
I feel that maybe she thinks she did all she could do in the marriage to try to save the marriage. Did she try to talk to you about about problems in the marriage? Things that bothered her? I think she probably feels she did try and there was nothing more she could do so she left the marriage.
proudwidaddy - I am not taking ownership of the end of this marriage, but since I have been to church I know that I have not been the husband I should be. I am moving forward and since she is deployed I am hoping that God puts the right people around her.
1dayatatime - No, she didn't do all she could for the marriage. She said that I had an anger issue and I went to anger management for it. We tried marriage counseling, but she only went 3 times for it. She never even addressed the event in Korea that she did. I admit I have my faults, but every person has there faults.
She should at least take ownership of that she gave up on the marriage.
ok so there is other issues in play then. didn't know your whole story but it does make a difference. everyone does play a role in the issues in the marriage. no one is perfect but usually one person is the one that breaks up the marriage/leaves the marriage. it sounds like she made it seem like she did everything to the outside world but really she didn't put 100% into saving the marriage.
Avoiding her responsiblity in the end of your marriage? That is all I can think of to explain her words but I am not in her head so who knows may be crazy is the only way to explain it.
Everything she does seems to be illogical. She is always so angry when around me. I know there is a lot of stress because of the divorce, but at the end of the day I did not cause the stress of the divorce on her. I continue to work on myself to be a better person.
She seems to have reverted back to her 20s. She is 34 and hangs out with mid 20's. All of this has me confused.
She's not crazy bro. When she was f*cking around on you overseas she had to tell herself lies about you to justify her behavior. This became a set pattern with her. She told herself so many lies that she began to believe them herself and rewrote your marital history. This illusory, fake history of all the wrongs you committed against her is very real to her in her mind.
I contend that women, more than men, tend to do this to a higher degree because they live inside their heads more than we do.
I fully expect my wife to begin brainwashing herself. Its going to be interesting to see what kind of mounstrous portrait she paints of me to the people she befriends in the future, even though I treated her like a queen the entire 21 years of our marriage.
proudwidaddy - Well there are two things I am going to tell you. I am in it for the long haul and only you know when it is time to let go. I been married to this woman for 16 years and I will be there for her. If you are like me then I am going to tell you that you are in for the ride of your life. If you need someone to talk to PM me and I will give you my cell number. It is always nice to discuss things with people that are going through the same things as yourself. If you PM your email address I can send you two ebooks that I read.
bandit.45 - She can paint everything she wants to her friends, but all of our friends know the truth. She can tell her future friends what she wants, but I am not following a different path. The one with Jesus. I know that is sounds crazy, but if I live my life this way no one can really judge me incorrectly. I never thought of her rewriting our history in her head. If it has been rewritten once it can be rewritten again. PM me your email address and I can send you the same books. They are a quick read and is worth a look.
So I see my soon to be ex-wife. I signed a joint divorce so she could move on with this new found life. I ask her why she gave up on the marriage. She says I did not give up on the marriage. I replied, "If you did not give up on the marriage and I did not give up on the marriage, why are we getting a divorce?" How can someone honestly think that they decided on the divorce and that they did not give up on the marriage? Can anyone please explain this to me.
Her shifting the blame and all the problems and reasons for the failure of the marriage to you, is a defensive coping strategy, nothing more.
Don't look for sense in human denial and rationalization, it's just not there to find.
My estranged husband has totally re-written our martial history too. He says that, while their were happy times, he was never really happy.
Eight years. Infertility treatments. Finally we have a baby, and he decides he would rather be with his 25 year old grad student.
At 35 years old, he leaves his 9 month old baby and wife of 8 years (best friend for 15 years) to be with a 25 year old.
It is so frustrating when he tells me how he has viewed our relationship together. He views it as a "wasted life". It is so frustrating, because I know that is not the reality. But, I just have to accept that it is his reality.
Your ex-wife is telling herself these lies so that she is able to look herself in the mirror each day.
That's when you can be glad she's your x.
If she's crazy then it doesn't need to affect your ability to manage your own life. Legally you can choose your own path and not have to swerve and dodge against the crazy stuff. So she says something that's crazy. People don't change after divorce. They're the same people, you just don't have to own it 24-7.
Homemaker_Numero_Uno - You are right about about her. I just feel that this may be her mid-like crisis and I want to at least try to help her as long as I can. I have not stopped my from going on with my life. Well just my dating portion; this allows my to prove to myself how much I do love her and any future relationship I have will only be stronger because I do have commitment.
jpr - What do you want in your marriage? Do you want him back? If you do start the 180 and see what happens. Remember also that this current relationship was forged on your marriage so I wouldn't expect it to last. If you need to talk let me know PM me.
hisfac - You are right, but I remind her that she wanted this not me. When the divorce decree comes it it will say that I was the defendant. She will have to face the facts because she is now deployed and when there is down time she will have to deal with it. There is no drinking or really partying where she is at now.
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X-wife is crazy 
