cabbage65

i can't believe how stupid people can be. if anyone asks me if i'm dating after 2 weeks, even 3 mos. i'd be glad to never see them again.

desert-rose

I'm sorry that your friends and family have been so insensitive. It feels isolating enough to go through so much pain from one's partner and then have one's support structures end up being so woefully inadequate. If anything, it shows how strong you are as a person because you probably didn't lean on them much before, or at least not as much as you feel you had. I'd suggest getting a therapist if you don't have one; it's kept me from falling out of life entirely after my life fell apart.

Most of my friends and family have been insensitive and clueless about how to deal with me and I feel like a burden to everyone. People get pushy about how you should feel and behave and get mad when you don't take their advice or opinions to heart, I've found. People are also very impatient. So, I've found that if I need to talk to people, it's best to do so in batches. Talk to one or two people. Talk to one or two later in the process, etc. It's rare to find anyone who will be willing to stick out the whole thing with you, but you can shift support structures to get more of a sense of connection and not feel like you're burdening anyone. I have gotten very suspicious and defensive because too many people are trying to manipulate me into doing what they want me to do the way they want me to do it and are lying to me about stuff.

In fact, after my moment in which I freaked out because I thought you were someone I knew, many of your posts were very helpful for me to hear and think about. I'd suggest sticking around this forum as a way to deal with stuff because it looks like only people who are going through similar things are able to really get it and be there for others in the same rough waters.

Also, it sounds like you've been through a lot with your EH, some abusive stuff, a lot of intense connection with him but not as much interaction with others. You're going to be feeling this intensely, I imagine. I'm going through a similar thing, as you may know from my posts, verbal abuse, threats from WH, etc. My family and friends seem to feel like I've been saved from a monster, but I can't quite see him as a monster despite his abusiveness because so much of what we had that others didn't see over many years was so good. What I mean is, you've lived the whole of your relationship and so it's going to be a lot for you to have to process and come to terms with. I hope that it gets easier for you. You seem stronger than me in your convictions and I imagine that will help you, even though it's terrible to be in this situation.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It sounds like you're doing well.
It will take a while but just be persistent, and go for IC. Leaving someone is difficult, but it is not impossible. Any points of exposure you have, close them off as well as you can, and the rest, just monitor until it becomes a habit. Once you get used to feeling 'well' (and also enunciating how you feel, generally, and what you need...) when something is 'off', you're recognize it sooner and be able to sidestep.
There's no magic button, but if you're consistently kind to yourself, others follow suit and things go better. You also set a good example for others...and make them feel good knowing that people don't just give up or cow down to bad situations - this builds a much better social group on the whole...it's habit-forming :-)

working_together

I think that people just don't have the understanding of what it means to go through a separation or divorce. Whether you are the person who left the marriage, or were dumped, it really doesn't change the feelings you have when it ends.

It feels like you are somewhat lost, you expect the person to be beside you when you wake up, when you have dinner, or just feeling their presence in the home. It takes a while to adjust to being alone. It's only been a month for me, and wow, it's a big change. I'm sort of at peace with the ending, it had to be done, but at the same time, it's a very difficult thing to go through. I miss a lot of things, others not so much.

Most of my friends are really supportive, but yeah, they don't really get it, they do feel like I'll be fine, and be able to move on. One of my friends said "it's a new chapter in your life", I agree, but it's so soon to be thinking about anything besides getting my own sh*t together, the stuff that led to my separation.

Stick with the people who'll listen to you and not advise you to get out on the scene, you'll be ready when you are.

that_girl

I think it does matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee. I hardly think the dumper feels the depths of hell like the dumpee. Sorry, just not possible.

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Unhappy2011

No, not the same.

But if you're ending it with someone who you do care about, who is generally a good person, who didn't do anything wrong, and who is in love with you but you realize you don't feel the same and want that for yourself?

That still sucks.

Unless you are socio-path or just cruel, it's not fun to break somebody's heart.

To watch them crying on the floor, looking dejected knowing their dreams had been shattered and you did it.

You did it because you feel in your gut that something is missing and you want to be happy. A dillemma you sure as hell have agonized over and over during countless sleepless nights. Wondering how did you get yourself in this position. How did life get so crazy. How did I lose myself there.

In fact, it is it's own rarely discussed pit of crappy feelings.

You feel like **** about it. You feel heartbroken yourself. And most people don't give a ****. You even get some people telling you what a terrible person you are.

And you will feel guilty. You will miss them. You will have to learn to get on with your life also. And you have to wonder if you made a mistake. And you wonder will you ever find someone who loves you like that again?

No, I never felt what she did. But it's not a picnic either.

Cheers.

CantSitStill

Usually if someone has a tragedy I call them that day and tell them "I don't know what to say, but I'm here for whatever you need" I usually find they need someone to just listen..Am I right?
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SilverPanther

desert_rose- I apologize if you thought I was someone you knew. That can be disconcerting on an anonymous forum. I can't imagine we could know each other in person. I do certainly intend to stick around, this forum has been very helpful for me so far in what I'm going through. It's good just to know you're not alone.

As far as the dumper versus dumpee debate, I think it depends on the situation, obviously. If you dump someone and then have to watch them suffer, that can be horrible. But on the other hand, you are also enjoying the benefits of a choice you made, hopefully, for your own good, whereas someone who has been dumped just lost what they felt was for their own good, so they have to live a life that is less desirable than before, and this happened against their will. I think that does make it harder to be dumped.

But that's not to say that being the dumper is not also horribly hard. And in the case of my situation, which I wrote about today, I technically was the dumper, but not because I had someone new in mind, or really wanted to go on without my husband, but because he had already made it clear to me for months on end how little he valued me, even though he still *needed* me, so he would never consider leaving me. But he had already checked out of any sort of intimate, loving relationship with me, I just had to be the one to shut the door all the way on it. THAT was horrible, because I am still not getting what I want, but I also have the guilt of knowing I made this choice, and listening to him cry and beg. Those sorts of situations can be horrible.

Suemolly

I totally agree. Once i broke off my engagement to the love of my life (I honestly never found a man better than him!). He was so kind, wonderful, loving, generous to me. But I somehow still felt incomplete in the relationship. When I dumped him, I felt it was a tragedy and was so strickened with pain, guilt and grief. It was an 8-year relationship.

But that pain was nowhere as great as the separation from my husband who dumped me. And my husband was not even a nice guy. There is no pain greater in my mind, heart, soul and spirit than going through a divorce and being the dumpee.

Back to the OP's comment about insensitive people. Yes, it truly sucks. I was having a drink with my supposed best friend soon after my husband walked out. I felt like a dead woman walking at that time. My friend's first language was not English and I couldn't understand some few things she was trying to tell me plus I was in a state of mental confusion and illness from my divorce pain, so I interrupted her twice to ask her to explain what she was saying. She wrote me a scathing email that night telling me I was rude, self-absorbed, too lost in my divorce grief and I had totally displeased her by interrupting her speech. She also added that while she understood my divorce grief, I still had no right to steal the limelight and should never ever interrupt her speech again. Like WTH! Needless to say, we are hardly friends anymore now.

SilverPanther

Wow SueMolly, that is just awful!

My friends all seem to think that my healing from this is simple. My one friend last week kept asking me what was wrong, I seemed so quiet, was everything okay? And at the time I didn't want to talk about or even acknowledge how poorly I was feeling, so I made up a reason I was upset that wasn't really legit, and then the next day I told her what I was really feeling, and she was just like "don't worry about it, you'll be right as rain soon!" Yeah, I know it seems simple, and I know time does heal all wounds, but mine is pretty deep, and I know I'll never be the same as I was before it happened, so I hate that everyone acts like this is no big deal.

ontheup

i have been very lucky concerning the support i have recieved, my stbx left me 20mths ago for a woman he had an EA with. None of my friends could beleive what had happened as they felt we were a great couple and he was so in love with me, pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. I was left in peices i had lost my soulmate and best friend, we had been together for over 20 years, was my first real boyfriend. I have a small group of friends who went out of thier way daily for 6 months along with my parents to keep me going, for the sake of my kids, they made me eat, they took me out, they let me howl like a banshee on their shoulders and they helped me slag them both off. Without them i seriously do not think i would have made it. Even now 20 months on they know when i am hurting bad and they are there for me always. My neighbour has been an absolute angel and even when she was down we helped each other(she just lost her daughter), we cried and laughed together. Her new man is also wonderful, he has said that their door is always open for me anytime i need to let it out ( he knows how i feel as his wife left him 2 years ago for another woman) I would be so lost without that group of friends and my parents. Also my kids have been amazing, it has been hard on all of us, but the silver lining in all this is me and my daughter are now so close, she was daddy's girl but now she is mine. They kept me strong, i needed to be there to help them through it their pain. What i do find hard is the people i would call aquaintences telling me i should be dating by now, and i will find someone else. I am not interested, i do not want to open myself up to that hurt again, but they can't seem to understand that. i feel i am just beginning to cope better, the first year was a blur, but the rest has been much more positive with less down days. I still have moments that set me back but i pull out of them quicker. This weekend was a doozy when i found out that STBX had gotten engaged to the OW. finding this site helped too as when i needed to vent i could do it here.My neighbour was there for me as well.
I just take each day as it comes and deal with what i can. Somehow you find the strength to carry on.