SilverPanther

It's funny how people deal with someone who is going through a tradgedy. I understand it is very uncomfortable for people who haven't been there themselves to deal with someone who is grieving, or traumatized, or just generally lost and confused as I am. But sometimes I have to shake my head in frustration.

My husband broke off all contact and disapeared two weeks ago, after weeks of constant verbal abuse towards me, threats and all manner of scarring fights. So last night for the second time in a week my dad is asking me if I've gone to check out dating websites yet. WTF?? I get that he doesn't want moss to grow under the stone, and he wants grandkids, but REALLY. I can't help it my husband just left me, I know, I screwed up, I married a psycho, I made about the biggest misjudgement I possibly ever could have. But that doesn't mean I can just put it all behind me instantly and be in a place and a state of mind where I could even CONSIDER dating right now.

Another friend, when I told her, gave me the requisite hug everyone seems to think I need, and then immediately launched into her own big news- she and her boyfriend had broken up for about 8 hours and were now officially back together, and she was so relieved because boy had that been a rough 8 hours! I sort of just listened with a gaping mouth, not even really paying any attention to her lengthy story, and marveling.

I guess it just doesn't seem real to anyone. Everyone treats what I'm going through as yesterday's news. No one wants to hear that I'm hurting today, that I had to call a lawyer I can't afford, to talk about how to divorce the man I intended to spend my life with. Everyone had their moment of showing sympathy, so they can feel they are being charitable and doing their duty as a good person, but they honestly are already tired of having a friend going through a divorce, and I'm only just at the beginning!

And yet I find myself really having to deal with everything I am going through mostly on my own.

I'd love to know if others have found this to also be true, or what you experienced from your friends and family when your life fell apart.

that_girl

Very much true. Except my closest friends who let me vent, cry, talk about it 100 times, etc.

One woman asked if I was dating again. Mind you, hubs and I were separated for 3 months...she asked this 3 weeks into it. Really?! Holy crap.

My mom even said I should think about moving on and not trying to work it out. Nice. Thanks, Mom.

I think people just don't know what to say to people who are grieving. When my friend's daughter passed suddenly at 4 months old, NO ONE called after the first week. No one invited her anywhere, etc. No one knew what to say. It was sad.

Just do what you do....but regarding your 'friend'..she's a turd. One thing is for SURE, you will find out whom your true friends are. She doesn't sound like one. She sounds like a one sided friendship person. Always about her.

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jpr

I agree,people don't know how to respond when someone is grieving.

When my brother committed suicide, people would tell me things like, "At least he is at peace now"...or "his suffering is finally over"...blah blah blah.

Those statements were not really what I wanted to hear; nor were they particularly helpful in my greiving process. But, these people did not know what to say and they were trying their best.

Now, people are constantly telling me that I "can do better"...or, that in the long run I will be happy. So that I am "better off without him". I don't really want to hear these statements, and I always do not want to hear disparaging comments made about my estranged husband....(although sometimes I do. )

You need to tell your family and friends what you need. I had to tell my mom that I don't want her to bad-mouth my estranged husband all the time...I just need her there to listen to me when I feel sad or alone. It has helped a lot to tell her how she can support me.

Your family and friends obviously want the best for you. They want to support you--you may just have to tell them how to do that.

This is me

I feel very fortunate to have family members who will take a call anytime of the day or night if I need a shoulder. One in particular, my older brother has been there supporting me for over a year now. Three sisters are also accessible to me and willing to listen, give advice and encouragement. I also have a few friends who are there for me.

On the sad side, there have been some comments made through this roller coaster of a year, that were not very tasteful, but as That Girl said, some people just don't know what to say.

I can see over time that some are just getting tired of the whole thing, I can't blame them. My wife and my happy marriage used to define me, now it is my seperated wife, what has happened between us lately and my possible future divorce. What a shame.

Hope to make that change!

thurm09

You need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, what is it you want. Once you find out what you want, then make your heart and mind go in the same direction. Understand your family wants immediate happiness for you (that's why it can be bad to get advice from them). People tell will tell you what they think will make you happy, but the truth is you need to decide what you want.

For example people tell me the same thing about my wife. She'll regret it later on in life and I can find someone who will love me better. I am following my heart and keeping faith until I feel that I it is time to move on. I know my wife is crazy right now. Nothing makes sense to me, but I choose to still be there.

Do what you feel is right. If you need someone to talk to that has not bias let me know and I am more than willing to give you my opinion.

Agast84

I am lucky to have had my family, they have helped so much. Some friends and acquaintances, not so much. My problem has been misguided and conflicting support. Some friends tried to convince me that "getting some" would fix it. Ummm...I have been rejected in that way for quite some time... not at the best of esteem level, plus I am not that guy. Some have even condemned me.
What always keeps my mind at ease is that I handle myself with as much class (as possible, I am not perfect.) Keep your head as high as possible and be the best you can be.

madaboutlove

No one teaches us as a society how to deal with someone who is grieving, many people have been incredibly supportive to me, but there is definitely caregiver burnout. This has been happening for over a year and they are tired of it. They kicked it up a bit for the actual court date, but still, they are done. I tell my Mom, who often says, " I don't want to bring it up because I know it makes you sad", to just ask me how I am doing. If I want to talk, I will otherwise I will say I am fine. Not too hard!

sadwithouthim

I was given a book by my therapist on this whole topic. It was a very good read and gives exercises on how to deal with this stuff. It is called The Grief Recovery Handbook by Russell Friedman. I

I think people not going through this just don't know what to say. They don't feel your pain so they don't understand.

I don't have any family or friends I can really talk too so i keep everything in. That book has exercises to help you cope.

There are some really nice and supportive people on this board so i hope it will help you vent and feel supported.
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SilverPanther

Thanks everyone

I know people don't understand, and sometimes I just lose patience, I guess. I am standing on the other side of a chasm from all my friends and a lot of my family. Everyone has been through the heartbreak of a relationship going sour, but they all still sort of believe that once they find that person they are to marry, everything will be good, they'll ride off into the sunset, live happily ever after, curtain closes. I'm on the other side of the curtain and there wasn't a happily ever after there, there was a world of pain of disaster such as I never imagined would happen to me. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real to ME. So I really can't blame others for not really grasping onto what happened, either.

But it is hard because I have always relied heavily on my friends and family to get me through tough times, and they have always been supportive, but now I feel alone in dealing with this.

Thanks for the book recomendation, sadwithouthim, I will keep that in mind. And yeah, Thurm, I think I am struggling somewhat because I don't fully know what I want. Sometimes I end up talking and talking about what my husband did to me, but then at the end of it I feel awful, because I really didn't want to drag up all that pain just now. But other times I don't want to talk, and I want to pretend nothing happened, but I know that burying the pain and not dealing with it will only give it more power over me in the future. And often I just feel paralyzed, entirely.

Unhappy2011

I hear ya and am right there with you.

It's been about a month since my 3 year relationship ended and she moved out.

It was not even a week before a friend of mine was chomping at the bit for me to meet some other woman he knows, who he thinks we would make a good match.

It's like he can't even register that I am not ready to meet someone new.


It's people. In my experience, truly empathetic people are actually a minority in this world.

Jellybeans

Sorry for your pain. People who haven't been through a divorce do not understand how traumatic/excruciating it is. Don't worry about everyone else. heal yourself and take it day by day.

canguy66

Very well said. I'm fortunate to have many friends to speak with about what I'm going through, but it's been two months since my stbxw announced she wanted to separate. I need them less and at this point and some are expecting I'm over things... but it's still a process.

I have two good friends who have been through this experience. They are far more understanding, and both have told me it will take a year to really feel better. One could not date for a year, while the other had several flings a few months later. Knowing myself, it will be several more months before I'm ready to move on and date again. My wife is still very much in my heart.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I agree, it's easier to get support if you can define what you need.
Of course, you would like for someone to love you and to know your needs. But as we are not infants, and our needs are complex, and our moms have moved onto other things...
The IMPORTANT things, you have to arrange for yourself, and then invite others to come along. NEED some relaxing time, go to a yoga class, then invite your friend or relative to come along. NEED to eat because you are losing weight? Pick a favorite meal and ask if you can come over to their place and cook for all of you. Just explain you need to eat, so this will fit the bill. NEED a hug? Easy say you need a hug and put your arms out and take a step closer. Don't creep out the recipient, just take your hug. I think you see where this is going. People don't want to overstep your boundaries. But they're not getting any clues from you so they feel helpless. When people feel helpless and don't want to interfere, they say something like a placefiller. Your dad tells you what a guy would do, maybe what he would do, or thinks he would do in your place. You have to understand if your H was abusive, they don't really get that you were so attached maybe not to him, but to the relationship, and can't just easily switch to dating mode. It's too disorienting. You could tell your dad, no I don't feel like dating right now but hey, we can spend some time together, what are some of the things you wish you'd done with me as a kid that we can do now, BEFORE I take your advice and start dating. You dad maybe is concerned with you getting out and being appreciated, but he's not going to offer to do that for you, because it's just plain weird, but you can ask him to go with you to places you want to check out. Your friend, maybe she was really traumatized, and you know, sometimes women can get competitve about trauma. When they're not being overly jealous of other's perfect lives only to find out a year later that 20 year marriage the guy was cheating on her the whole time...and the kid got busted for drugs. Friends are strange that way. They're so used to you or so relieved that you finally got out of an abusive relationship, in their mind they think the man is gone, so let's celebrate your issue is over, but hey, now you can understand what I'm going through.

My friends only coddle me if I cry or something, even then they don't spend too long acting like I'm a basket case, they know I'm just sharing something with them and I'll go back to normal almost right away and do a lot of things in terms of self-care. So they don't feel overly burdened. I do take time to show to social events and to have interests other than my issues (which are small compared to issues in the bigger world...maybe reflective of issues in the bigger world?) also I extend invitations that are appropriate and I do things in the meantime that relieve anything that could overwhelm me. Sometimes I just ask a friend to drive with me somewhere, like when I had to go to a stressful appt. Or I just say, this is really stressing me out, how can I look at this a different way? This allows them to talk. But not to actually have to solve anything. People want you to have your pride, so they're not going to act like you need rescuing. This is a diplomatic thing. Yes, people have roles, but you need to do some directing.

cherokee96red

Initiation into this club is worse than any frat, sorority or gang could ever devise. With that said, it has been my experience for nearly a year now that people just don't know how to handle situations like ours. Some just chose to quietly fade away, others say "get over it already!", and still others take sides and say such horrible things about the "bad" spouse all the while erroneously thinking that we don't have a problem hearing those things.

I'm slowly making the decisions on who to "delete" from my life now and who's earned a place in it. Some decisions may be wrong, sure that some will definitely be right. The main thing I remember is what/who is best for me.

Take all the time you need, no one else's timetable matters.

__________________
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

SilverPanther

I never really thought about it, but I guess you have a point. They are just so happy that I have gotten out of a bad situation, they're throwing some virtual confetti and don't really understand why I'm not joining in.

Also, I think it doesn't help that while I have known my husband for ten years, longer in fact than I have known all but one of the friends I have now, because we lived in different places, none of my friends really know him. They've met him, and talked to him some, but he has never been a part of our group, whereas we all know each other, and see each other often. So to them he was never really a major part of the picture anyway, even though to me of course he was a central part of the picture.

Homemaker- You have some very good advice. I am trying to parse out what I need, and I am asking people for some help. I actually joined a gym last week, for the first time in my life, and I joined one that I have two friends who are members of. So now we can all work out together, and I absolutely LOVE it. I love working out alone sometimes, and with friends sometimes. Both help a lot. I also do do yoga with my sister and one friend, and that helps too. I guess I am not the most verbal with my needs, and you're right, people probably don't want to overstep my bounds, they don't know if I want them to bring up my husband and how I'm doing, or pretend it never happened.

Cherokee- I'm happy to say right now everyone is being pretty good about not saying terrible things about my absent spouse, though I know that they might be tempted. In the past I have experienced that, though, where people will talk about an ex of mine like "wow, what a loser!" But this is hurtful to me, because hey, I picked this "loser", so it's sort of a dig on me, too. And I know the person, and know they were not all bad, so I hate when people only see the bad.

I do have the advantage that my Dad went through a traumatizing divorce when he was young. Yes, this is also the guy who was bugging me to join dating websites, but I think he just hates to see me down, and is also in a hurry to get grandkids, but in the past he used to tell me about how bad things were for him with his ex-wife. How he was so messed up he had to go into therapy, and didn't date anyone for a year, then the first person he dated was like 8 years younger than him, because he couldn't handle a mature relationship yet. Then, after her, he met and dated my mom and they have been married ever since. So his story has helped me to know there's nothing wrong with me for grieving and going through this.