We went to the baby gym last night and had a blast.
Jumped on trampolines and just had a great old time.
She was worn out when we got home, so she slept pretty well.
Was one of those really good times that when its over you looked back and think that everything is going to be alright. That everything can make sense again even though it is all very different.
I still struggle with not having her everyday, I have her on most days, but dropping her off on the every other weekend brings me so close to the breaking point. I guess I am getting use to it, I don't cry as bad on the car ride home, but its just terrible walking that lonely walk back to the car. Leaving your past behind you.
The child drop off, that is what I want to talk about. It is almost like re-living a nightmare over and over again on a daily basis and it lasts for only a few brief minutes.
You see the x, or in my case my daughters mother, you chit chat a few minutes. Some smiles, some empty gestures, but it is almost like talking to a ghost from your past, everyday, day in and day out.
What a weird thing to do. What a weird thing to have to subject ourselves to daily.
I dunno where I am going with this. Just wanted to type it out.
do you think you may be lingering between the "depression" and "acceptance" stages of your grief?
I'm sure you're done with denial, anger, bargaining and almost all of depression. Maybe it's moving to the acceptance stage that you're having a bit of difficulty with.
Yes, I feel that's exactly where I am. Ups and downs, but there have been periods of indifference lately, which is a good sign.
To me, acceptance is tied to letting go (pun intended). Getting there.
The child drop off, that is what I want to talk about. It is almost like re-living a nightmare over and over again on a daily basis and it lasts for only a few brief minutes.
You see the x, or in my case my daughters mother, you chit chat a few minutes. Some smiles, some empty gestures, but it is almost like talking to a ghost from your past, everyday, day in and day out.
What a weird thing to do. What a weird thing to have to subject ourselves to daily.
I dunno where I am going with this. Just wanted to type it out.
I just hate it.
You aren't alone with that! Every other week there mother drops the kids off before work and picks them up after work until the end of June. Then I go back to work myself and won't be seeing her nearly as much (or the kids for that matter).
But when you do see them, it's like a shovel to the face. She has complained on several occasions that it's 'not good for the children' if we don't chit chat and talk at the swaps. I have nothing to say to her, I'm not rude but I will not go out of my way to make BS talk.
Yet, there is no problem with her never calling when it's my week with them and this will be the 2nd week of mine where she probably won't even come by for the mid visitation.
Ghost of the past, that's all she is. All she will ever be now.
I'm in the same boat and yes it's very tough. For those of us who have loved ones living in another state or country, I almost compare it to when you take them to the airport, say goodbye and watch them leave through the gates. Sitting inside my car, I see him leave with his mother as they enter the building and I wait and wait until I can't see him no more. It's very tough. It's almost like I lose him again and again (like a nightmare).
I think with time it would become more of a routine and the feelings of sadness won't be so rampant. That's my hope.
It was fun, until the last night and had a pretty terrible trigger.
We were outside playing around at this hotel and they had a barbeque pit that we were all around and people would come and go and cook all night. We hung out there all night had a few drinks and a really good time.
I had drank a little bit, but this couple came downstairs and the gal was very pretty and her fiance was very nice. I enjoyed them both and got to know them well..
As the night went on we all drank more and more and the fiance decided to go to bed. (Male) Well, he leaves and she stays and has more drinks with all of us, but I notice her paying attention to me a bit differently.
She proceed to take her ring off and let me know how she doesn't really care about her engagement and that this is the third time she has been engaged. She then asks me to go on a walk.
This set me off and I simply replied you need to go upstairs and cuddle your fiance. All I have been able to think of since this happened is my daughters mother and the OM and how easily and freely people can cheat and it scares me.
So, we came back home, and sure enough my daughters mother was a little jealous I think that I was in chicago and she had no idea what I did. She was dressed to kill and looked great and was in a hurry to get back to her OM I could tell. After what I saw, not sure why, but this triggered me and jealousy, sadness, and hurt all began to flow in.
The why wasn't I enough. Sure would be nice to have her dress up for me like that. The good old, why wasn't I enough. All those insecurities back in the blink of an eye.
I got my daughter, she could tell something was wrong, she sensed that I was in a weak moment, but I just stuck to the I am tired bit.
I hate her for doing this to our family.
Oh well, time to screw the head back on straight. Life kinda sucks sometimes
I understand how you feel. Like you, I think it would be hard for me to have ONS, be with someone who's already engaged/married. It would instantly remind me of what happened between OM and STBXW.
You were making very good progress before this so keep marching on.
I am through my three day pity party with some carry over anger.
Why is it that I was not the one who initiated this divorce, but I am the only taking care of it all. From getting the child classes signed up for, to finishing up the uncontested plans and schedule, while she just runs off to blow the OM.
I have literally done everything for something that I never wanted, but at this point I feel if I don't do it, it will never get done.
What kind of ass backwards BS is this.
Anyway,
Point two to crab about,
So, my daughter and I are doing these baby gym classes that I took the time to find sign her up for and take her to. My daughters mother asks me the other day if she can come along because she thinks she is missing out on events in her daughters life.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIVORCE AND NOW YOU ARE WANTING TO JUMP ON MY TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER TO FEEL LIKE A GREAT PARENT WHEN YOU CLEARLY HAVE HER EVERYDAY AND STILL DON"T DO CRAP WITH HER BUT GO TO YOUR PARENTS. TAKE THE TIME AND FIND YOUR OWN ACTIVITIES. THIS IS OUR TIME.
Phew,
Man that really agitates me, of course I didn't have the balls to say anything to her about because I am such a failure still at protecting my boundaries, but this is just so unacceptable to me. She has her everyday, while I am at work, because she doesn't work. Has my daughter went to the zoo? no Has she taken her anywhere fun during the day? no. Have I, yes, and tons. Does it make me a better parent, no, but it makes me the one who takes initiative, like always in this entire relationship.
I hear ya dude, I really do. I have been the one to do everything so far in my separation leading to divorce. She 'suggested' once that we get together and talk about things but at the time I wasn't ready and it was a good thing I said no. By saying no it gave myself the time to clear my head up and focus on what I wanted .. read my thread Communication, especially the last part where I had a sit down with her last night.
It's hard I know, to separate everything. The raw emotion. But you need to say no to those types of things, especially when you feel it's just not right.
Things you sign the kids up for on YOUR time is simply that .. YOUR time. In the future, depending on the custody arrangement you may need to split up things like soccer etc for when it's each others times .. but if you go out of your way to schedule something for you and your daughter then she has absolutely no say in it.
Stand your ground by asserting yourself, but you must stay calm. Give default answers like "I'm not okay with that" and that is literally ALL you need to do.
Don't let her start to ruin the things you want to accomplish as a father. The last thing you need is her on your mind while you are doing things like the gym because it's just going to diminish the good feelings you are trying to create.
When I enrolled in those little gym classes, a part of me sort of wanted to invite my ex. (I was not as far along on this journey as I am now). So, I was still missing "being a family"...and during the class I caught myself sort of longing for my son's father to be there just so that I had someone I could share the experience with.
I was actually considering inviting him to join us. I talked to my counselor about it, and she urged me to not to do that. She said that was my special time with my son--our special bonding time. My ex was choosing to divorce me, and we should not "pretend" we are an intact family. At her advice, I just stopped even considering inviting my ex to special events--like the Easter Bunny or our church carnival.
This is your special time with your daughter. You don't need to explain yourself to your ex. Just tell her that you don't want her attending. There is no need to explain or defend your decision.
My ex wanted to go to the Easter Bunny with me and my son, and I just told him, "No, I would prefer to take him on my own". Period.
He was disappointed, but I didn't respond to his disappointment...even though I really wanted to tell him "This is what happens, you butt-head You left us! We are divorcing! You are boinking a young woman. I don't want to see your ugly face, you stinking pile of poo!"....but, I refrained.
Sometimes, I think it best to just try to use as few as words as possible with our exes. Have some boundaries and don't let her cross those boundaries...and don't feel like you have to defend yourself to her or explain your reasoning to her.
When I enrolled in those little gym classes, a part of me sort of wanted to invite my ex. (I was not as far along on this journey as I am now). So, I was still missing "being a family"...and during the class I caught myself sort of longing for my son's father to be there just so that I had someone I could share the experience with.
I was actually considering inviting him to join us. I talked to my counselor about it, and she urged me to not to do that. She said that was my special time with my son--our special bonding time. My ex was choosing to divorce me, and we should not "pretend" we are an intact family. At her advice, I just stopped even considering inviting my ex to special events--like the Easter Bunny or our church carnival.
This is your special time with your daughter. You don't need to explain yourself to your ex. Just tell her that you don't want her attending. There is no need to explain or defend your decision.
My ex wanted to go to the Easter Bunny with me and my son, and I just told him, "No, I would prefer to take him on my own". Period.
He was disappointed, but I didn't respond to his disappointment...even though I really wanted to tell him "This is what happens, you butt-head You left us! We are divorcing! You are boinking a young woman. I don't want to see your ugly face, you stinking pile of poo!"....but, I refrained.
Sometimes, I think it best to just try to use as few as words as possible with our exes. Have some boundaries and don't let her cross those boundaries...and don't feel like you have to defend yourself to her or explain your reasoning to her.
jpr,
I'd like to emphasize your last paragraph.
Talking very little and saying plenty is key.
I scheduled it without your knowledge.
Why?
"I'm not ok with you coming"
Why?
"I'm just not"
This is an example of emotional communication.
The long-winded explanations trying to convince some unreasonable person that you're being reasonable?
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