Those are very wise words. I get what you are saying and I know that this will take a great amount of time.
I guess I am lucky that my stbxw is making the choice for me. I know that I would have never left this situation. I would always stand by her side. I like to think now that I would not accept her back, but there is always room in my heart for forgiveness, but with major changes.
Last night, her brother called me again and we spoke for about an hour. He is worried almost as sick as I am it really feels good to have someone with EMPATHY express it to you. The understanding of what I am going through and the validation of me not being crazy again is a good thing, but hard to swallow. The more I get validated in my thoughts about my wife, the more that I begin to pity her and want to seek out help for her more.
Back to the conversation. He spoke to his sister, which is the stbxw sister too. I had known that she knew about the OM that she is currently seeing, but it came out that she told her about it back in December, a time when we were still intimate. I figured as much, but again when these things become a reality it stings like hell. She does not know what to do, who does really, but she knows about her being unstable and knows that I am a good guy and is extremely sad for me. She has plans to speak with the stbxw again about all of this. She also really wants to reach out to me as well. She wants me to always be apart of my nephews and nieces life. Not sure how that all works, if it even can, but it is what it is. The brother is telling her father.
I guess what this all comes down to are the lies that I was to blind to see, or even refused to see. She is lying to everyone, Me, her family, probably even the OM. At least now she will be held to some accountability for her actions.
Both the brother and sister said to me something that absolutely crushed me last night. They both said that I should have full custody of my daughter and that they would take the stand for it. I could never do that, but her own blood know this is wrong, this can not be all my fault.
So today is the day of exposing the affair to her family. The sister said she would take the fall for it. I am not sure how this all will play out, but I fully expect wrath.
I will be kind, patient, and understanding. She is a lost soul in this world right now. Anger and pain will come out and I refuse to let my anger out when she is angry. She will not get to have an affect on me.
Had trouble sleeping, picturing her being intimate with the OM last night. The times she left to stay somewhere at her "friends" just really made me sick to my stomach. I really do not like thinking about her cheating. I hate the mind movies. Someone is literally all over the person I once had. That is my wife!!! Those two make me sick
Anger and pain will come out and I refuse to let my anger out when she is angry. She will not get to have an affect on me.
Traggy, you are prudent to keep calm and NOT ACT on your anger. The anger itself, however, will be your friend for the next year. For caregivers like us, feeling anger gives us our only chance to leave the toxic relationship.
Absent the anger, it is just so difficult for us to walk away from a sick loved one -- even when that is exactly what is best for us and for the BPDer spouse. As long as you stay with her -- which she will tolerate only if you continue to "validate" her false self image of being "the victim" -- you will be hurting her by preventing her from ever confronting her issues.
Traggy, you are prudent to keep calm and NOT ACT on your anger. The anger itself, however, will be your friend for the next year. For caregivers like us, feeling anger gives us our only chance to leave the toxic relationship.
Absent the anger, it is just so difficult for us to walk away from a sick loved one -- even when that is exactly what is best for us and for the BPDer spouse. As long as you stay with her -- which she will tolerate only if you continue to "validate" her false self image of being "the victim" -- you will be hurting her by preventing her from ever confronting her issues.
I agree with you again. The main problem is simply I am not an angry person. AT ALL. I feel more pity than anger when I think about her now. I feel sorry for her. I want her to get better. I want her to live live a non chaotic life. I want her to have happiness and find out who she really is. I want her to hug her inner child and tell her that it will all be better now. When I cope I generally always miss the anger stage. It just isn't in me. Anger does nothing for me. I guess I should of said argue back at her. Validate my reasons. I am done with that.
From now on she gets the "You are right." "Absolutely." and "Definitely" I will be agreeable to everything she says. (Outside of the divorce of course, I will definitely be dropping some differing opinions on her about things)
I can want all of these things, but the change has to come from the person not me. I know this. The ONLY way I would take her back would be for her to go to therapy. To a doctor. To someone who can diagnose her. To someone who can help her. Problem is, with BPD, they have to see it themselves first.
I will divorce her if that is where it leads, but I will not turn her away from help. Be it letting her parents know to watch her closely. Be it anything to help my dear friend. I love her to much, she is the mother of my daughter. She is my family.
The ONLY way I would take her back would be for her to go to therapy.
There in lies your problem. Sometimes you just have to let go. You are enabling her behaviour. You are trying to fix her. Some kind of white knight syndrome.
Been a few days. I had a ruff weekend. More of the same. I am at home while she is out with the new love of her life. More boring feeling sorry for myself. Going to stop writing about it.
My daughter is doing great. We are getting another offer on the house and this ball of divorce will begin to roll down the hill. Moving on can finally be implemented.
I have reached out to god and my relationship with him has grown in a way never before. I am attending church and have joined a bible study group. I believe that a marriage without god in it leads to these events that have transpired in my life.
My faith has lifted me up. I recommend some of you to turn to god and give your problems to him. Let him write the story or your life and stop trying to write your own.
We will all get what we need.
I just pray for each and every one of you to find your little piece of happiness.
Traggy, thanks so much for your update. I'm glad to hear your daughter is still doing well in the midst of the turmoil in your life. And I'm glad you are finding comfort from your church community and from attending the bible study group. Take care, Traggy.
Last night the wife came home from the OM house and said she wanted to talk about life tomorrow evening.
So tonight we talk.
She does not want to get divorced. She see's how much happier I am. She doesn't even know the person I am anymore.
I guess I am shining and little bit because I am happy and I have let go. I have accepted everything that life has given me. I focused in on me, my faith, and my daughter and have not looked back.
She is starting to crack. The house is probably going to sell and the realization of her terrible choices and the effects on our daughter and family are beginning to set in. The fog is starting to dissipate.
She offered me this.
We can live together and not divorce, but we have separate bedrooms. She will leave the OM. We will stay together for our daughter. She then went on to try and tell me in so many words if I keep acting the way I do and keep at it there is a chance for us.
Essentially, living how we are now.
Wow. What an irrational cake eating idea that is. I responded and stuck to my guns.
Remorse, 100% commitment to US, Therapy (Psychiatric), accepting god.
I told her I want her heart, not half of it, not most of it. ALL OF IT. I want her to look to me for her love.
Irrational.
Gee, lets just leave the OM so we can have our family back and I get to stay with you while you will always be wondering what could of been with him with your eye on the door. Sounds like a great deal.
I told her she needs to get all of this out of her system. I told her that what she is offering is not a marriage. I told her she needs to not be "in love" with someone else.
She said I am telling you I do not want to divorce, so if we divorce it is your choice. I love BPD.
The thing is all I do now is pray she finds god. I am beginning to pity her. She is so lost and the guilt from her choices and regret are starting to surface.
I am not a prideful man. I forgive freely. I will not relent on what I need for reconciliation however and I have a clear conscious for divorce. I will divorce her if she does not change because the only way to move forward together is to revamp the entire system. To start a new with god.
I love my new life. I love my wife. I love my daughter. I expect nothing anymore and it is truly the most uplifting feeling.
She knows where I stand and I am focusing in on divorce. I am proud of myself for not caving and compromising.
She had a fight with him I guess. OM did not turn out to be Mr.Wonderful after all..He must have got some taste of her BPD.
Funny thing is how she considered that you will take her back after walking all over you.
Even if she says it over, you should think really hard if you want to take her back at all. She cannot have random flings , then apologize and resume the marriage like it was before. If you take her back, whats to say that she won't do it again. What promise can she give you that she won't do it all over again.
She said I am telling you I do not want to divorce, so if we divorce it is your choice.
When BPDers decide to abandon the marriage, it is uncommon for any of them to admit they are the ones wanting the divorce. Instead, they want to portray themselves as the abandoned victims.
My exW, for example, ended our marriage by having me arrested and thrown into jail on a bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Before I got in front of a judge and got released, she obtained a restraining order barring me from coming near my home for 18 months (the time it takes to obtain a divorce in this State).
She nonetheless insisted, at the divorce hearing, that she never wanted a divorce. She repeated that absurd claim on the phone a week later. I told her, "Don't be ridiculous -- the divorce was granted pursuant to your divorce petition, not mine." (She had counter-filed for divorce after I filed and the judge found it simpler to grant it pursuant to her petition.)
Well, I guess it is an "event" week for me. My stbxw mother called me at work. I haven't much spoke to her since the divorce talk she had with her daughter and since she found out about the affair that my stbxw has partaken in.
She cried and cried and cried. She apologized for her daughter's actions. She doesn't understand it.
I felt like I was the one consoling her. Was one of those paradox moments. I felt terrible for her.
I dunno, it put me in a terrible mood. Brought me down a bit. I am better now, but her family is reaching out to me because they love her and me and do not know what else to do because the STBXW shuts them out if they disagree with anything that she is doing. She will do anything to avoid the pain, guilt, and suffering.
Been a few days, I guess that is a sign of healing or I have all the answers that I need currently
Been feeling pretty good. I let the STBXW know once and for all that she will never see me try to save us, that is all on her now. I let her know pretty much be with the OM and I will move one with someone else.
"Opened up the cage door"
I let her go and it felt uplifting. So, now she stayed home all weekend. Says its because I make her feel like a bad mother when she leaves. Projection much?
Church was very peculiar yesterday. It was about forgiveness with divorce mixed in. It really hit home. The pastor was telling a story about his buddy who just went through a divorce. The buddy said the following.
"I love my wife, but we just can not be married anymore"
He led it into how god divorced the people of Israel because they broke there covenant to him.
My wife broke her covenant.
I dunno, just speaking my mind, I am struggling with divorce. It has always been my greatest fear. Now, I am accepting it and facing my fear.
I dunno, felt like I was being told that everything was going to be OK.
I went out and had a few drinks this weekend and played bags. Was good to get out, but I struggle with leaving my daughter still. I feel neglectful when I leave. Really really bothers me.
Traggy, thanks again for the update. Is good to hear that you are still on course and standing strong. Keep in mind that your healing will not proceed in a straight line. You will still have those bad days, where you'll feel like you are right back where you started. But you're not. Those bad days will get farther and farther apart.
Not sure how it got brought up, but finally got the stbxw to admit that the affair had been going on for a while. At least I have some piece of mind that I am not crazy.
Anyway, started filling out the divorce papers. Fun stuff.
The rationalization's of a cheater are literally comical.
This damn house needs to sell.
Oh well, I worked out for an hour and a half. The abs are starting to stick out again. I look great. I honestly mean that and it feels good to have some actual decent feelings about myself, even if they are just physical.
Things are looking up and by up, meaning the walls of my life have come crashing down and I am removing the pieces off of me one step at a time.
She cried tonight. Good. Poor me, poor me. Whatever. I am sick of trying to get in her mind. It isn't my mind and the more I realize that the more I can let go.
Went to the park with the daughter today. We went down the big slide 5 times. She is one. Gleeful is the word that I will use. I adore her and am blessed to have the wonderful little princess in my life. She is all the girl I need.
My life is changing, even though I do not want it, I think that it is ok to be ok with the way things are coming to be. I still struggle with the jealousy. The fact that someone other than me gets to enjoy the stranger in my house, but I have to hold on to the fact that this guy isn't better than me. The only thing he has to offer that I can not is that he is still new, even though he is a guy from her past.
They can be happy with one another. With there family ruining ways. I accept it.
It is definitely time for me.
Faith, Daughter, me. All I need. All the other stuff is a want at this point. Nothing that I need.
Well she came back two days ago. Said she wanted to make things work. I was open to it, made a list of things that I would expect and she couldn't agree to it.
So, last night I was discussing things with her, and it was pretty intense. She became angry and said f it, lets just divorce.
Exactly, to hard to actually feel something so quit.
What a bunch of BS. She said I am not a man for crying and being upset. That I am so unattractive with being insecure. That she has no remorse for what she did because she did what she did because of the way I treated her in the marriage.
She said she only wanted to stay together to try and make things work my daughter. She couldn't tell me she loved me, but she could openly tell me she loved someone else.
She blew her second chance before it even started.
I am so weak to fall into this crap again. I let her tear my heart out again.
She in incapable of feeling the things that I need her to, because she lacks empathy, compassion, love, there is no hope.
174Likes
Re: Hello! My Story/Blog Spot! 
