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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 04-13-2012, 05:12 PM   #61 (permalink)
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^^^

I highly doubt it, affair's have a very very small success rate. In no time OM would be POSOM to her. Sucks but its the truth.

On a brighter note you know it'll get better, much better actually.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:13 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Well, the blues won. I guess that is a high note.

Struggling a bit tonight, not really sure why. I know she is with him right now, twinges of pain are coming up, but I am fighting back down. I have not cried in a few days, close a few times today, but I feel that my tears are starting to run dry.

I took the daughter to my parents and went to watch the game at a friends. Her mother has been painting all day and been gone since around 8. She should be home soon, if she even comes home, unless her and the OM want to break the new place in.

I hate pity parties, but man. I know I keep saying this, but was I that bad of a guy? She is moving to a crap town house. Her brother called me today and let me know just how crappy it is. He can not believe it.

I can not either.

After the daughter went to bed friday I left. I can not stand to be in the house with her. I hate leaving, but my house is in shambles with all her moving boxes and I am just tired of splitting up things. She does it with such calm and happiness that she is leaving me in her wake that I just can not fathom what I did to her for this to partake. I know she is messed up, I know the only mistake I made in this was marrying her to begin with, but how the hell can people just slam the door on a new family, a new life, being supported to be able to stay home on my back.

How do people just quit. What the hell happened to marriage? To vows?

I do not even know why we have marriage nowadays when divorce is an option. Marriage is forever, working loving, growing. Not four years, start a family and just say F%$K it.

Oh well, 5 more days and I get to break down and pick myself up. Just feel like I'm in a hurricane right now.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:58 PM   #63 (permalink)
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How the hell can people just slam the door on a new family, a new life? How do people just quit?
Traggy, her ability to start a new life -- as though she is simply throwing a switch in her mind -- is not a sign of her strength but, rather, her fragility. Whereas a normal person has the strength to confront the hurt and work through the issues, a BPDer is so filled with self hatred and shame (from childhood) that she finds it far too painful and frightening to do that. Instead, her mind protects her from seeing too much of reality by projecting all sorts of evil intent and shortcomings onto you.

As I said earlier, this projection works beautifully to protect her fragile ego because it is done subconsciously -- thus allowing her conscious mind to be fully convinced that the outrageous projections are true. In this way, she will run about slandering you with vindictive accusations -- and do so guilt-free because she consciously believes the irrational nonsense coming out of her mouth. Of course, this is why BPDers rely so heavily on projection to shelter themselves from seeing too much of reality. It is guilt-free.
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She does it with such calm and happiness that she is leaving me in her wake that I just can not fathom what I did to her for this to partake.
You likely did nothing at all to cause it. As I just explained, it does not matter WHAT you do. When a BPDer decides to leave you, they will protect their fragile egos by projecting all sorts of demonic attributes and evil intent onto you. Unlike us "Nons," BPDers are able to do this projection so easily because they have always had great difficulty with "object constancy."

That is, a BPDer has great difficulty perceiving you as being essentially the same man from day to day. You've seen that in the way your W, in only ten seconds, can flip from adoring you to hating you. Her subconscious therefore finds it to be a cakewalk to project all sorts of bad features and thoughts onto you. It is what a BPDer does so very very well.

This ability to flip from one intense feeling about you to its polar opposite -- called "splitting" -- is why a BPDer's feelings are both intense and shallow. This is why a BPDer's feelings are said to be "a mile wide and an inch deep."
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:08 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Traggy: What Updown is saying is so true and sad. Out of all the stories here, yours is very similar to mine. I suspect my wife suffers from BDP although she hasn't been diagnosed she has almost if not all the traits. It's sad because as Uptown explain they project onto their spouses subsconsciously which makes me feel bad. Its like they dont know what they are doing. People like this are sick and need help but from all the stuff Ive read those who stay in a relationship with a BDPer end up worse then them. I personally went through a period of depression and not feeling good about myself (both things STBXW suffers from). One day she was telling me I was the only one who understood her and the next it was that I wasnt emotionally there for her and didnt care about her.

All I can tell you is that you deserve someone better. Its hard to let go because we stubbornly hold on to the fantasy of a life without the stress and problems with these people. We wish things were different but the fact is they are not. This is what it is. Right now the most important thing is your daughter. Im being the best dad I can be to my son. Time will heal your wounds, its just a matter of time. OM will leave your wife or become her next prey.
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:59 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Thank you both for your responses. Leaving someone that needs help generally brings up those good old protective traits.

I have had sometime to think and I believe what I am struggling with is the fact that I am no longer always going to be there every night to protect her and my daughter. They are going to be without my strength. I won't be there to protect them if something happens.

I think my other struggle is letting go of someone I love that needs help. Just doesn't feel right. I want her to be better, but I know I have no control on that.

It is kinda like watching someone on fire in front of you, thrashing around, in extreme pain, and the only thing you have in your hand is gasoline.

When a BDP'r projects you as the cause of the pain there is nothing you can do, but stand aside. I need to learn this.
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:50 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Men are wired to protect. It work against us sometimes. My therapist IC told me about a guy who stayed with a BDPer for more than 10 years of abuse. He wanted to fix his marriage and not break the family at all cost. His wife was constantly having affairs and blaming him portraying him as a failure, mashed all his pride and manhood. One night after seeing his wife wasn't back home they were sleeping in different rooms at that point he got his gun and took his life.

Not to be extreme but this is where stubbornly trying to save a marriage like this can end. The spouse ends up being abused big time and it can affect your ability to function. Our children deserve for us to stick around and be there for them. The best way to do that is to separate from these psycho girls.
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:21 AM   #67 (permalink)
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I have had sometime to think and I believe what I am struggling with is the fact that I am no longer always going to be there every night to protect her and my daughter.
Yes, Traggy, the notion of walking away from a sick loved one is ANATHEMA to us caregivers. It goes against our religious beliefs, our family values, out sense of loyalty -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. After all, we grew up learning to be the fixers, not the men who walk away. Yet, that is exactly what we usually must do when we find ourselves married to a BPDer, because the only way she will tolerate our presence is if we continue to harm her by walking on eggshells, i.e., continue to be a harmful enabler.
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I think my other struggle is letting go of someone I love that needs help. ...It is kinda like watching someone on fire in front of you, thrashing around, in extreme pain, and the only thing you have in your hand is gasoline.
That's a great analogy, Traggy! Yes, that is exactly how it feels to me too. The way I've tried to explain it is that it is like standing on a boat dock, watching your loved one slowly drowning just five feet away. I extend my arm and repeatedly yell, "HONEY, GRAB MY HAND!" But she cannot do so.

It's not that she is blind and cannot see my hand. It's not that she is deaf and cannot hear my voice. It's not that she is paralyzed and cannot raise her arm. No, it is none of those things. Rather, she is incapable of trusting others and thus CANNOT BELIEVE ME.
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Old 04-15-2012, 11:24 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I am officially 4 days away.

4 more days of seeing those sad eyes.

4 more days till I will being splitting my time with my daughter.

4 more days and my reality official changes completely.

I have been able to hide behind denial, even with staying in the same house, that I would have my daughter everyday. See those big beautiful blue eyes.

If you all would be inclined to find some time in your days to pray for my family. I would greatly appreciate it.
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Old 04-15-2012, 11:37 PM   #69 (permalink)
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I am officially 4 days away.

4 more days of seeing those sad eyes.

4 more days till I will being splitting my time with my daughter.

4 more days and my reality official changes completely.

I have been able to hide behind denial, even with staying in the same house, that I would have my daughter everyday. See those big beautiful blue eyes.

If you all would be inclined to find some time in your days to pray for my family. I would greatly appreciate it.

You have been in my prayers.

Have peace. Be calm.

This will pass. You will make it out.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:24 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Well,

Sorry for the count down. Just want to puts some thoughts down. I want to save this and read it one day in the future and see just how out of whack I was.

Maybe even have a chuckle.

Anyway,

3 more days! Good day today actually. Laundry, payed bills, vacuumed, cleaned a bit. Dunno, had busy hands today. Kept my mind off of things.

Her dad came over today, was helping her move boxes. Right in front of her he says.

"I will get in touch with you and talk with you about all of this"

He likes me a lot, and knows his daughter. I wish he would get her some help, but alas that has to be her choice. He has tried countless therapy with her in the past. (Things I did not know before I married her. They could of thrown me a bone.)

Was funny though, that had to sting her a bit. Her own father reaching out to the guy she is leaving. She shrugged it off. She always says they like me more than her and she believes that.

What a ruckus this has caused. The old life is dying and the new one is starting. I am just going to be in the limbo stage a few more days.

I think at this point things that I am missing from my STBXW is simply all physical. Cuddling, Hugging, Kissing, Sex. When I think about it though, I never really got all that anyway, so in regards to that I just miss those things... Not her.

I am starting to come out of this all, I definitely will miss things about her, but not her. I am going to be lonely and crave to have what was once comfortable, but I am beginning to see that this is not healthy for me. She is not healthy for me. She has broken me down to a point that I do not even recognize the face in the mirror. I am starting to see myself again. Liking the way I look, feel, and interact.

The shell I have surrounded myself with is starting to crack. I am not out of it yet, but I can tell that I am healing. I am not breaking down when I see her now, I am not wanting to beg her to stay, I am just wanting to move on. I think I have finally thrown in the towel. I can say, without a doubt now.

I NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN.
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Old 04-17-2012, 07:42 AM   #71 (permalink)
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That's great news, Traggy! It sounds like you've finally reached a mile stone. Not the end of the road but the top of the hill. Hopefully, it will all be downhill from now, until you finish the divorce process.

Even so, as we discussed before, don't be thrown for a loop if -- two weeks from now -- you wake up in a sorry mood that makes you feel like you are back at square one. If it happens, it is only a feeling. Such days, if they ever happen again, will get farther and farther apart. They are a normal part of the healing process because it rarely proceeds in a straight line.
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Old 04-17-2012, 11:43 AM   #72 (permalink)
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I think at this point things that I am missing from my STBXW is simply all physical. Cuddling, Hugging, Kissing, Sex. When I think about it though, I never really got all that anyway, so in regards to that I just miss those things... Not her.
I'm kinda at this point too. I miss all these things, but the more I think about it, it was such a struggle to get those things from her in the past few years that its just a fantasy. And I guess it hurts that she so willingly is giving them to the OM.

Hopefully soon we'll both find women who reciprocate both our feelings and physical desires.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:11 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Well,

Sorry for the count down. Just want to puts some thoughts down. I want to save this and read it one day in the future and see just how out of whack I was.

Maybe even have a chuckle.

Anyway,

3 more days! Good day today actually. Laundry, payed bills, vacuumed, cleaned a bit. Dunno, had busy hands today. Kept my mind off of things.

Her dad came over today, was helping her move boxes. Right in front of her he says.

"I will get in touch with you and talk with you about all of this"

He likes me a lot, and knows his daughter. I wish he would get her some help, but alas that has to be her choice. He has tried countless therapy with her in the past. (Things I did not know before I married her. They could of thrown me a bone.)

Was funny though, that had to sting her a bit. Her own father reaching out to the guy she is leaving. She shrugged it off. She always says they like me more than her and she believes that.

What a ruckus this has caused. The old life is dying and the new one is starting. I am just going to be in the limbo stage a few more days.

I think at this point things that I am missing from my STBXW is simply all physical. Cuddling, Hugging, Kissing, Sex. When I think about it though, I never really got all that anyway, so in regards to that I just miss those things... Not her.

I am starting to come out of this all, I definitely will miss things about her, but not her. I am going to be lonely and crave to have what was once comfortable, but I am beginning to see that this is not healthy for me. She is not healthy for me. She has broken me down to a point that I do not even recognize the face in the mirror. I am starting to see myself again. Liking the way I look, feel, and interact.

The shell I have surrounded myself with is starting to crack. I am not out of it yet, but I can tell that I am healing. I am not breaking down when I see her now, I am not wanting to beg her to stay, I am just wanting to move on. I think I have finally thrown in the towel. I can say, without a doubt now.

I NO LONGER WANT TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN.

The bolded areas are what I feel atm. I miss the normalcy of the marriage more than my wife, especially, the new version of her that has changed over the past few years.

I have to keep reminding myself that my older version wife is long gone. I'm not in love with the newer version, but fight with myself at keeping my vows to love and cherish until death...

I fought so hard against the notion that people change, situations change, feelings change. I'm losing that battle and will lose that battle. But, I keep fighting it.

Traggy, once I get to where you are, the future will be bright.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:28 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Jay,
I feel a lot like you and Traggy. I've realized that right now I miss more the physical intimacy of what I had, rather than actually missing my wife. I loved and cherished the old her, the new her I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole. The new one cares only about herself, no one else. We all deserve to be with someone that actually wants to be with us, that will fight for us, not just leave at the drop of a hat.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:48 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Jay,
I feel a lot like you and Traggy. I've realized that right now I miss more the physical intimacy of what I had, rather than actually missing my wife. I loved and cherished the old her, the new her I wouldn't want to touch with a ten foot pole. The new one cares only about herself, no one else. We all deserve to be with someone that actually wants to be with us, that will fight for us, not just leave at the drop of a hat.
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Well, if people change, what if the new her changes back to the old her? Or a revitalized old her?

Would you be hurt that the old wife is back, but without you?
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