I am currently going through a Separation/Divorce. This is not what I want at all, but it is what it is.
I have been married about 4 years and I seemed to marry someone who I probably I had no business marrying, aka I didn't know I married a runner.
I have known her since I was 12, we didn't start dating until we were in a mid 20's. We had a ton of fun early on, but then the problems started to arise. The last time that we had fun together was back in 2008 and that was the year that we decided to try and conceive a child together. Fast forward to 2009 and with no pregnancy we started to think there was a problem so we both got checked out. Come to find out, I have a low sperm count and she has POS.
This is when we started living in the land of "if". This land is the land of whether or not you are going to be parents or not and it literally gutted our entire relationship from us. We decided to try IVF, which consisted of daily shots, and daily Ultrasounds, which is a hell of a way to live being a woman. Later, we found out that the wife needed to have a leep procedure before we could proceed. Another road block, another hurdle. We made it through that and it was time to try and have a child. It is now 2010.
So, on our first attempt we got pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl that was born Feb, 2011. We got everything that we had been working toward. We set everything up so well, but we forgot one important thing along the way.
Our relationship....
After three years of trying to have a child and being married for 4 my wife no longer is in love with me and feels that we do not connect. That I do not get her, like other people from her past. She wants to divorce and we have now been separated about a month. She feels like I have neglected her during the IVF because I was in school during that time and working during the day just to advance in my career. We decided that she did not have to work during the IVF because I make more than enough to support our family. We have went to MC and it generally takes two to work on a relationship, but she has completely checked out. She wants the divorce and I have accepted my fate.
I feel guilty, down, unsure, lost, cloudy..... the usual when you are morning the loss of a relationship. I am really pissed because now I have a one year old daughter that I feel is getting completely hosed from all of this. She didn't ask for this, but she sure is stuck in the damn middle of it. The STBXW and I are communicating fairly well, with some heated moments from time to time, but I have lost all the will to fight. I have fought for our marriage for about 6 months and nothing hurts more than trying when the other person does absolutely nothing in return. It is like sticking your hand in fire, how many times are you going to do it over and over again until you learn? Well I learned and I stopped.
I am 31 and I feel like I just blew my one shot at having the family that I always dreamed about, even though I am not the one initiating this. I made a choice in a person, I took a leap of faith, I followed my heart, and it brought me to an absolute living hell.
My wife is the type of person that is all flight when things get hard. She has told me that she has felt this way during the beginning stages of IVF. What really gets me is why she should go through with having a child with me only to want to divorce me 6 months after the child was born. I can not fathom the thought of this and it is something that I must not dwell on.
My wife was the youngest of three, she had a pretty terrible up bringing. Her mother played favorites, and her father worked/drank all of the time. There has been neglect throughout her entire existence with her family and at the age of 17 she ran away from the home life she so much hated. Her brother would literally beat on her even at later ages of 16-17 and the mother never stepped in. This is really neither here nor there, but it paints a picture as to what I have been dealing with. There are many unresolved issues from her past, that I did see, but figured she had worked them out. However, when she ran away from home she actually ran up to where her brother was going to college, unable to find him, some other college guys took her in, drugged her, and raped her. I knew all this prior to marriage, but I literally love this girl and she seems to not have any issues with what happened. I feel terrible for the life that she has had, and I want to take care of her the rest of her life, but all she knows is chaos and literally is bringing me into her world...
My stbxw gets over whelmed easily, she is a great mom, but multi tasking just isn't in her glue. When it hails, weather bad, etc, she cries, she scared, and she looks to me as a father figure. She treats me as a father figure and to this day still comes to me when she is hungry. She even cried the other night because I cooked for myself and didn't include her. Now, some may think that this is from the separation that she wants, but it is not just that, it has always been like this. I unfortunately have never known this relationship to be an equal endeavor of people working together because I enabled this the entire time. I have been hit, slapped, kicked, punched, and called about every negative thing you can imagine.
That comes to me.... I am, for all intents and purposes, a damn rug sweeper. I am terrible with having a spine, I am terrible for standing up for myself, and I absolutely crumble when people yell and scream at me. When we would ever have a disagree, I would yield. If I pushed, she wanted to get divorced. I had no voice because she deals in black and white, ultimatums, and the fear of losing her made be keep things in that I should of been able to voice. I crave physical touch and the only time I was able to get that would be through the sex we had about once a week, that I would always have to ask for. I don't even want sex, just a hug and a kiss (Which she dislikes doing) from time to time. But that wasn't her thing after a while so I stopped expecting it and put it under the rug. This all started about two years in, the time the infatuation begins to wane and the relationship begins to need work in order to survive. You tend to however, learn from your spouse on how to act and how to be in the relationship and the boundaries that are given. I learned that from her and now since I didn't do those things I was punished.
My father has a short temper, to short... My mother is a rug sweeper, my father is the screamer. I have heard him yelling my entire life and hated him for that so I guess in the end of things I took what my mother does... Ignore it. This has caused me to have a terrible confrontations skills, but again it is hard to argue when instantly you are given an ultimatum.
I have not been a man for a long time, I have not been my own person for a long time, all I know now is I have a wonderful daughter and a wife that hates me. By doing everything that she wanted, letting her stay home, getting her a home, marrying her, I have failed her as a man. The person she was attracted to was a fun loving guy, who was carefree and fun to be around, but the guy she has now is broken, stressed, and beaten and does not know which end is up now.
I know now though, that this woman was not the person I needed to marry. I rushed into things because she wanted to marry or leave, which in itself is just dumb, but when you are in love with someone and you do not want to lose them we are able to look past these things. She has told me so many things, the good old ILYBINILWY, that her X's "got her" and I don't, we don't connect, and flat out I am done with you. Thank you drive through...
I have heard this for about a year and a half now, I listen, I try to fix things, but you know how it goes the harder you try the more you push people away. So here I am sleeping in the basement, she gets the bedroom and we are going to be doing a divorce as soon as the house sells.
Here is the plan,
I want to see my daughter as much as possible, I love her to pieces and want to be the best father I can be. To suffice this we have spoken about doing the divorce in phases.
Phase 1: Buy a duplex, we each live on one side. This might sound crazy, but it gives me peace knowing that I am able to see my daughter everyday for now until her schooling starts. Now, issues may come, like when the stbxw starts dating, but I am so far disconnected that I do not care if she dates. It will all be worth it to me to see my daughter.
During the phase we have agreed upon not bring our new "endeavors" around the daughter until a time that it becomes serious. If this is not followed through it will be a deal breaker and courts will be involved.
I am going to pay for the entire living expenses of both places, which actually saves me money instead of trying to pay for two, because the stbxw has been out of work for about three years now and alimony and child support will be brought to the table other wise, which I can fight, but why fight it and spend more money than it will cost you anyway. After a time of 3-4 years, when the daughter starts school, the stbxw will start her back in her career.
My question to you all, even though I have rambled a bunch, is doing this divorce uncontested allowing my stbxw to literally not have to change a thing, to still not work, but my daughter's life will be the least unaffected this way, am I giving up to much? Am I again sweeping this under the rug? I feel good with the plan, I do not feel like my boundaries are being crossed, because this is what is best for my daughters life to have us both in it for her at this time whenever she needs us.
It started as they all do, she needed some space, nothing more, nothing less, just was tired of me always being there... Sorry we were married.... Sorry you disowned your entire friend base.... I never asked her to do that, she chose me and neglected her friendships. I always told her to go out, she never listened.
It was gradual, she wanted the walk in closet to herself. I obliged, it is a closet after all and I moved to the other bedroom. Just my clothes. She loved having her own closet, she was happy, I was happy.
Then she started to say things like she was unable to tell me everything that was on her mind because of the way I would react to it. Like how she contacted her X to show him pictures of our child, or how she missed talking with another X because she knew I wasn't mature enough to handle those conversations. All the while telling me how she connected with these people unlike the way she connects to me. I became extremely uneasy anytime these guys would be brought up. Not sure how most guys would react, but I think anyone in their right mind would not like to talk about these things and to be told that your spouse cant "open up" and "be honest" with you just seems to miss the mark a bit...
After the above conversation, I began to notice things... the gut feeling began to take over. I noticed she never left her phone on the table anymore, it was always by her side. When I would get up and walk by her she would turn the screen. I noticed she was on Facebook a ton, which she was completely against me having one, but now she had one... I brushed this under the rug, shrugged it off, and decided she hasn't done anything to betray my trust so far, let it go.
Then the body pillow came, the wall in the bed room. The yelling at me for snoring and not being able to sleep. So she asked me to sleep in the other bedroom during the week.. I obliged.. The baby had been getting her up, we all need sleep I rationalized. I even got up until about 4am most nights, even when I had to work the next day to help her out and when I get home, still to this day, I take over until bed time and she will either leave or sleep. I think she has given my daughter 6 bathes??
Anyway, back on point...
I get up one morning and she says she thinks we are to much like brother and sister, and more of the ILUBNILWU and she wants to separate. I tell her we are going to MC first, she agrees, but says she want to divorce and maybe this will help us work through the issues that arise. I thought, hell maybe MC will help, maybe they will show her the error in her ways, but the error was in my ways, I am simply not what she wants anymore. The error was it takes two for MC to work. I went to MC cried as I heard her say things like , we don't connect, she can't stand my smell, (I don't stink, its a pheromone thing), and that she loved the past BF's differently then the way she feels for me. One in particular...
I cant agree with you. You seem obsessed for doing the right thing for your daughter. So you should be but you should really ask advice if it is the best for her. I would never advice living together with an ex which you intend to do. It wont do your daughter any good. Your marriage sounds like its finished, dont blame yourself so much, and dont think you have to make it so easy for your wife.
She has an ex, from when she was in her early 20's. Someone I think she never really got over. Someone she has always been drawn to contact. Someone she ran to when she was dealing with IVF to cry to, instead of me, because I was in school, which lead her to feeling neglected.
She still won't admit that she is seeing someone. The signs all point to yes, and I am no idiot. I have only asked twice and refuse to ask again, because we are separated and I guess that means people can do whatever they choose to do. All I know, is now she is leaving three to four days a week, staying gone for for 24+ hour periods. Dressing nice, wearing tons of makeup she never wore before, just being different. Someone I do not know.. I noticed miles are the car are flying by, I noticed gas going from full to empty, and I know this guy lives an hour or so away and I know she has ran back to him and caused a wake of destruction in her quest for true romance..
Its obvious, but alas I do not care. It is a weird feeling letting someone go and focusing upon you and your daughter. Separating emotions for the better good. It is what it is I guess.
I cant agree with you. You seem obsessed for doing the right thing for your daughter. So you should be but you should really ask advice if it is the best for her. I would never advice living together with an ex which you intend to do. It wont do your daughter any good. Your marriage sounds like its finished, dont blame yourself so much, and dont think you have to make it so easy for your wife.
Here are my issues with that....
-Daughter didn't ask to be in this world, we had to go through a lot to get her here. Her life is more important in these up coming years than my own. I know my daughter is not my entire life, but she is in fact a huge part of my life and happiness.
- Not seeing my daughter daily, not seeing her to bed, will honestly break me. The pain from that will be worse than any guy my stbxw brings home.
- I do not want my daughter in day care at this point in time. The less she has to change through this the better and she stays at home with Momma now so I really do not want to change that.
- We will not be living under the same roof. Well yeah the same roof, but it would be two separate living quarters. We will for all intents and purposes be neighbors. I can not afford two places and this financially is the most sound option.
- I can deal with seeing my wife with someone else and I believe that she can with me as well in the future. This will just be temporary and when we move out eventually to get our own places, which again will be close to one another, I can either rent the place out or sell it and get all the investment back.
- I am not obsessed with doing what is right, it is just the right thing to do..
I must say I have a different attitude not at all popular on here.
If you are satisfied that your wife can look after your daughter properly then so be it. Both of you being there when youre not 'married' wont do her any good.
Had an ok day yesterday all considering. The STBXW and I spoke some on the post divorce, hashing out more of the details. I can tell I am healing because I can actually talk to her without breaking down in tears and not becoming an emotional wreck.
I just can not believe sometimes that the person sitting across the room is someone that I was actually attracted to at one time before all of this started. I honestly can not see why I I fell in love with her at this point, but I digress that is probably from the moving on and all the pain she has created in my world.
I do not want resentment, I want indifference. I do not want to be angry and I want to keep everything as amicable as possible for all parties involved. The court systems are out of control with the expenses and I believe that two grown adults can come together and tackle something as emotional as divorce. Just as long as everyone is level headed.
I hope I can do this..... It is hard to not get mad sometimes..
My daughter turns one this Saturday. We are having a birthday party for her and doing my family first than the stbxw. I wish the elephant wouldn't be in the room and I wish this occasion could be as special as it truely can be. I have been praying to have the strength to endure during the party and actually give my daughter the best first birthday that I can capable of.
I really hate dreading my daughters first birthday. Puts me in a really bad place... Pray for me.
So this weekend I had a DDAY, which just happened to be on my daughters 1st birthday.
She let me know all about her new boyfriend, who happens to be her X from before and how much happier she is with him than me. She then proceeded to tell me that is happened post separation, but I know that is not the case.
I am seeing everything with a new light. I see her as a liar and she is hurting me sooo much. The mind movies have started and I know now that a duplex is off of the table. She let me know how bad of a lover I am and let me know that I am not a man.
She has been saying that I am to emotional to handle this like an adult and that she feels like she is married to a woman because of how upset I am. I feel like a failure, I feel gross, and I feel like I am not good enough.. She has completely made me feel inadequate as a man. I need to stop letting her have this control, but it is hard when the person you thought you loved and the person you have feelings for starts to say the meanest things..... I have no escape either because we are in the same house. She was gone all day yesterday and she was sure to let me know that she was going to her boyfriends... It really hurts being left in the wake of other peoples choices...
I need help.... I need out, I love living in a no-fault state.
We have been going over details of how to split my daughter up and how much money I am going to have to pay.
We are most likely going to do Monday, Tues, Wed, then thurs, fri, sat, and rotating Sunday.
My first question with you all with children, what do you all do?
Having a hard time sleeping, knowing when she leaves she is running off to another man, and the venom she has been spitting has me questioning whether or not I was a terrible person. I know she is just projecting and making her entire affair validated in her head, but still, when someone you still care for greatly says things to you, you tend to still listen to them when you know it is wrong to.
I know I was a good husband. We made it so she didn't have to work and stay home with the child, I got her the house she wanted, I built this entire life for her that she pushed for and once we finally have the daughter, that took three years to have, she ups and runs to another mans arms from her past.
Not sure why I wasn't enough, not sure what else I could have done, but I know now there is nothing else I can possibly do to save this marriage.... and it hurts like hell.. So I will put a smile on my face, get the house sold, split my time with my daughter, give my stbxw $800 a month and figure out how the hell to live again.
STBXW finally started to see that Child Support and Maintenance are not going to be enough through her parents today.
They pretty much told her people are not going to rent to her without a job.. All this really means now though is that it just increases the chances on moving in with the other guy. I told her today if she did that, as a concerned father, that is was absolutely nuts moving in with her X, well now Boyfriend..
Can not wait to deal/grieve when my daughter is around those two. The Home Wrecker and the Wayward Wife. What a great thing for my daughter to see. Can not wait till they break up and she gets to see how to be in a great relationship in the future.
I have to find someone so I can show her what a relationship is suppose to be. I do not want her to be like her mother. My stbxw does not know how to love. She learned that from her parents... Everyday I see it more and more.
I love laying on the couch at night taking care of my daughter while my wife is out with her new man and her new life..
Makes me sick.
She is in such a fog right now that it is scary. She has no idea the consequences for her choices. She still speaks to me like we are in a relationship sometimes. I ignore her and walk away, but then she will ask why I am being like that.
I respond
"I do not really have anything to say to you anymore."
She really does not get what a separation/divorce is!
I hate that there is another man. Really puts a damper on that good old self-esteem.
Had a hard day this weekend. Was another bday party for my daughter with all of the STBXW's family.
Half of them know, the other do not.
Some asked when we were moving and where to!
Some asked when we were planning on having more children!
Making golf plans this summer with my brother-in-law that will never come to fruit.
Was just a day of being fake. Was exhausting.
We are putting the house for sale, but the STBXW is getting over-whelmed so naturally it gets punted to me. I will take care of it so I can get the hell out of there. I am slowly losing my sanity with her adultery being so in my face with her coming and going to see him.
I started going back to church again, exercising has been a hit or miss thing. Sometimes I am just so down I can not do it.
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