Once you stop insisting this is all about you, healing will begin.
Proud, he makes a good point. As a friend of mine once said after his breakup, sh*t happens, and that's part of life. Part of letting to and moving forward is getting past the "woe is me" state of mind. You need to stop seeing yourself as the victim.
The good thing is knowing you need to get there, as you said a few posts ago. Remember the progress you'd made a few days ago? Latch on to those feelings. Then, work on moving forward, and as my counselor suggested, remember "thought drives emotion", so think about something else, or at the very least the reasons why you should not be with her.
But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has Posted via Mobile Device
I was stuck in this mindset for months. I know completely what you are going through. I was left with an near empty house in which the little bit of stuff that I had was picked through( her friends went into the closet with my stuff in it and picked out stuff that was "hers".) That doesn't matter to me anymore, I never will forget it though.
I know what you are saying is true. You fought for her, you tried, she didn't you or the "us". You are her loss, she is not your loss, though I know it feels horribe, keep that in mind. Focus on being a great father. Make those hours the best they can be. If you love being a father and are not getting enough time, by god, fight for your equal time or as much as you are capable of having. Regardless of the relationship between you and their mom, your kids deserve 2 loving parents.
But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, you're a victim of someone else's actions and decisions. But just like someone diagnosed with a serious but treatable illness, you have the ability to either wallow in being a victim or chose to take control of the rest of your life.
For me....I stop thinking about my ex wife sexually every time I have sex with someone else :P
Yea that may sound kind of bad...but the reality is, when you meet new women and you are attracted to them, odds are they're going to be more attractive/better sexually, than your ex wife....
You may just be thinking of her because you're lonely and wanting that connection...once you meet someone else...those thoughts dwindle and fade. I promise.
Eventually you will go from thinking about having sex with your ex, to thinking "Wow, what was I thinking? She wasn't really that good/attractive/sexy etc etc" when you compare her to your new love interests.
i'm with conrad i spent years gauging my mood/life in terms of how my stbx was acting...he decides to leave, i finally realize i have a life and i'm going to be just fine. it was his bad behavior, his decisions--it wasn't about me after all! it is freeing, that's a great word for it.
When my stbxw left I did feel like a victim. In a sense, I thought she was doing this to me, and I was overwhelmed by insecurity and self-doubt. In time I realized that was a symptom of being a "nice guy" and that I'd lost myself in the marriage. I also realized I was in an adolescent "you take care of me, I'll take care of you" marriage. When it fell apart, I felt abandoned. Took me a while to get out of the rut and realize what had happened.
This is not only an opportunity for me to rebuild myself as an individual, but to make sure I work on myself and enjoy a more mature, fulfilling relationship in the future. Getting back in touch with my core strengths has been amazing, despite a few backslides (only human). One door closes, and more will open... as long as you choose to see when that happens.
When my stbxw left I did feel like a victim. In a sense, I thought she was doing this to me, and I was overwhelmed by insecurity and self-doubt. In time I realized that was a symptom of being a "nice guy" and that I'd lost myself in the marriage. I also realized I was in an çWhen it fell apart, I felt abandoned. Took me a while to get out of the rut and realize what had happened.
This is not only an opportunity for me to rebuild myself as an individual, but to make sure I work on myself and enjoy a more mature, fulfilling relationship in the future. Getting back in touch with my core strengths has been amazing, despite a few backslides (only human). One door closes, and more will open... as long as you choose to see when that happens.
(Maybe) We feel victimized because "WE" didn't choose to end the marriage but the other spouse did. We had no choice. As far as an adolescent marriage, I married when I was in my teens so yes we do have some adolescent tendencies in my marriage, But I don't think the idea of "taking care of each other" or even some co-dependent tendencies would be bade especially after a long marriage (that may have had some illnesses). I talked to my therapist about the idea of being to co-dependent and it's after a while we just become so intertwined that it's not a bad thing, we just also have to know that we will survive through our grief.
I have seen him turn himself into playing victim, but everyone who knows us know that HE left ME. He can try to play the victim (he!!, I feel bad for him sometimes), but in reality he is the one who is losing out by making these choices unilaterally. He has actually started acting more immature in many ways as the 'fight' progresses, I don't recognize it until I am telling a story and I hear myself describe him and it sounds like I am describing a teen.
I know I will be feeling stronger, more confident w/o him here, but I do miss having that feel of someone taking care of me.
My dil and co-workers reassure me that I won't have a problem when I am ready to date... but so many kids, a demanding job, and my long term relationship may turn many people off.
Very normal to go through grief, but after a while the way we feel becomes a matter of choice and determination - that can be very empowering.
My stbxw has a bunch of friends supporting her for being a strong, independent woman. I also know that some of them think otherwise, but are still giving her smiles anyway (this seem to be the case for women)? I wish her well.
I drive by her place several times a week - unavoidable since it's on the main drag in my town. Most times I make it a point not to look to see if the light's on in her apartment. But increasingly, I just forget to look.
Eventually, take enough small steps and you won't be in the same place for long.
If not today than perhaps tomorrow. Create a check list of "less than wonderful things" they have done to you to review when you find yourself drifting in this direction. It worked for me.
Proud - I think this is an excellent idea. Get a pack of 3 x 5 cards, and on each one write down one thing that your stbxw has said or done to hurt you since this all began. I'm sure you could fill the whole pack. Then review it every morning and evening and whenever you're feeling lonely for her - kinda cognitive behavior therapy.
Retrain your brain.
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Re: And the topic of the day for me is. 
