Don't know what to do...so confused
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 02-25-2012, 02:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Don't know what to do...so confused

I am a first-timer here, so I want to say hello and thank you for any advice or opinions about my situation. I will try my best not to tell my life story but give all important info.

Me and my husband met during our early school years and got together in our early 20s. We have been married over 6 years now and have a 5 year old son. He is in the military and I have been a stay at home mom this whole time. He is not "mean" to me and we don't fight with each other. We went to marriage counseling once a few years ago when he was having some anger issues and we managed to stay together and resolve the issues we were having at the time - outside stuff was causing the anger issues with him, not me or our marriage (the other things flowed over into our marriage).

Being a military spouse has been very hard, especially since he has always made his job such a priority and I have felt for years that we were always second in his life. For example, when he is away on training, he quite often "forgets" to call (like a couple times a week). That aspect has been something that has been particularly disturbing for me for years and hasn't changed despite countless discussions about how i feel that when he is away, he forgets about us.

On top of that, he is very very sarcastic about everything. Like you can't ask him a question and get a plain answer. It's almost always a smart-*** remark. He's like this to everyone since he's a jokey-funny guy, but I feel belittled by the constant jabs. For instance, a couple days ago i had been letting the water evaporate off the dishes before putting them away and he said "Are these dishes ready to be put away or are you just looking at them?" He wasn't trying to be mean...just making a "joke" (in his mind), but I think that behavior is so inappropriate and hurtful and belittling to me. Then there are other things like him saying things like 'Well I make the money, so I should spend it on whatever I want" which makes me feel like the loser housewife. Let me say that i take care of everything at home: all finances, raising our son, pets, cooking, groceries, shopping, vacation planning, cleaning, laundry, school meetings, etc. All he has to do is go to work at the job that he absolutely LOVES and come home to a clean house and dinner. So for him to say something like that (he has said it on numerous occasions and defended his stance) makes me feel, once again, like the loser housewife. Keep in mind that I don't shop for myself or anything other than necessities more than a couple times a year, so I am not out spending "his money" on pedicures, spa trips, clothes, or anything else. It has made me feel like such an unequal partner in this marriage.

Additionally, he lies about things sometimes. For instance, he told told me a credit card he had was almost paid off and carried a low balance. He told me this for years and i thought it odd that we paid so much on a credit card every month that supposedly had a low balance. Come to find out the card was maxed and carried $13,000 balance, which he lied about for years. He also exaggerates stories he tells to where I know I have to mentally adjust what he says to what was probably closer to the truth. I also busted him an some lies recently which kept snowballing as he was trying to cover his tracks for the first lie he had told. I just feel like I can't trust what he says b/c he lies when he doesn't even need to. it's like it's second-nature to him to tell what he calls "white lies".

On top of these issues and too many more to list, I have lost pretty much all attraction to him. I never want to be intimate with him unless it's a fluke occasion. We maybe have "alone time" once every month or 2. I don't find him very attractive or feel sexually attracted to him anymore and haven't really for a couple years. I love him b/c we have been together so long and have been through so much together, but I don't feel IN LOVE with him. On top of that, I have started having feelings for another man. Nothing physical has ever happened and we no longer have contact, but I still think of this other man. I am assuming if I truly felt what i should for my husband, i wouldn't be daydreaming and fantasizing about another man. Maybe I am wrong on that, i don't know if that's normal or not. However, feeling what I have been feeling for the other guy has made me feel alive again inside where I have felt dead for years. I had forgotten what that felt like.

So, we talked about these things (minus talk about the other guy to not make things worse on him) and he is devastated. We decided we should separate for a few weeks or a month or whatever so that i can figure out if I want this to work or if I want us to move on with our lives. I think about getting a job that I want, getting a new place, meeting new people, and living life again...finding ME again. but I am so scared. I feel like he is my safety net (and I, his) and I am terrified of getting back out there and supporting myself and our son. I am scared that I will get even more scared and run back because it's safe, it's calm, it's been normal for so long. How do I know if it's time to go for good or weather more of the storm hoping one day it'll work? I am scared that i will end up a 50 year old woman one day wondering where my life went and wondering if I settled b/c it was safe. To quote a line from sex and the city, I want "Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love". I don't know if that type of love exists though in real life or if that's a fantasy Hollywood idea. I am so confused and I don't know what to do.
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Don't know what to do...so confused

Yes, you need to get a job because things are going to be unpredictable.
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Old 02-25-2012, 02:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Don't know what to do...so confused

Either fix your marriage or leave it. Forget this other guy until you make that choice. It's not right. No matter how you feel about your marriage, you are still married. you took vows. Honor them.
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Old 02-26-2012, 04:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Don't know what to do...so confused

I'm going to put it out there. You came on here and posted about everything wrong with your husband. And don't get me wrong, there likely is a lot he could improve upon, but that isn't the problem in your marriage.

You are.

You don't want to be married. How do I know? You posted in the Divorce Forum. No one here is going to be able to fix that for you. Your not attracted to him? I guess that would put a damper on any relationship. Especially when you are thinking of someone else. I've got news for you. Its hard to be attracted to someone else if your in love with your husband. That has as everything to do with you and not him. They are your feelings not his. He doesn't create them, you do.

You've justified yourself all the way down your post to get to the end about thinking and having feelings for someone else. I commend you for coming here and putting it out there, but only you know if you should still be married. Also 6 years isn't a long time, but the six you two have been together are. Early 20's to late 20's is probably the biggest difference anyone can go through. You're just starting to figure things out.

I take away a sense of desparation in your writing like this marriage is holding you back and smothering you. It isn't. You just think it is. How we preceive reality is how it occurs. If you think your not attracted to your husband, you aren't. If you think he is forgetful and doesn't love you, he doesn't. If you think you'll be better off without him, you will be. I wonder what would happen if you thought he was a wonderful man and you couldn't live without him?

You aren't confused. You just don't like being the bad guy. Suck it up and do what you have to do.

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Old 02-26-2012, 02:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Don't know what to do...so confused

Confused, you sound like you're making the case on why you choosing to cheat would be ok to do.
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