Sportsman

Thanks for your words I will have been married for 16 years on May 25th. Last Friday I was given the divorce papers, my wifes mom who told me she flew here to help us paid for it. I now have to find a divorce attorney, while dealing with a bankruptcy attorney and I do not have the money for none of it. If it were not for my kids I would have already ended my life. I am so low, so down and I do not see a way out of it. I know alot you feel how I feel and care and will tell me that killing myself is not the answer, to think about my kids. I know, I know but I am telling you that I am so close to giving up that I even called the suicide hotline today. I am a strong person who has had plenty of money and had over 500 people working for me and now I am nothing. Praying does not help, talking to family does not help, drinking does not help. I know that I am just throwing myself a big huge pity party but I can't help it and I can't get out of it. Just let me give you an example of how much my fun my wife is having at my expense. My four year old daughter used to go to pre school when both my wife and I worked. My wife works at this pre school which is at the end of our block. Since I lost my job in October I have spent everyday at least Monday thru Friday with my four year old. My wife would bring her over in the morning before work and we would hang out, play, watch her shows, go to the McDonalds whatever. Some nights my wife would pick her up after work (this part is after we separted in january) and other nights my daughter would spend the night. (I have three kids, my 15 year old son lives with me) So I have been spending alot of fun quality time with my daugther since I lost my job. Now I need to be working but at least I was enjoying my time off with my little girl. Friday I get the divorce papers, with a nasty rude email, then on Monday I go down stairs to wait for my four year old who never shows up. I called my wife at work and said that she thought my daughter needed to go back to pre school so she enrolled her back. No conversation with me, no what are your thoughts nothing. I am sure her mother paid for that as well. So now I am dealing with a divorce right in my face and my four year old is back in preschool. I am telling you that I am at the end, I should just stop talking about it, get it over with and then my wife can just be proud of herself that she won everything. Nobody needs to reply to this, it does not matter. Thanks for reading though..

COFLgirl

Sportsman, I have never replied on any of your threads although I have read them a couple of times. I felt compelled to respond and to try to offer some words of encouragement. I hope that posters who often respond to you hear will also chime in because they know your situation better than me.

I'm worried by what you are posting here. Please find someone to talk to or better yet find a friend or family member to stay with for a few days as you work through this dark time.

I know it seems hopeless right now but there are people/places that can help you out. There are legal aid foundations for your legal matters and counselors that will meet with you for low/no cost.

This economy sucks and when your marriage ends at the same time I know it probably feels like you have nowhere to turn.

I don't know what else I can say to help you but please don't give up. Your children love you and need you!

Sportsman

I finally went a saw a divorce attorney, my wife filed so I could have just signed the papers. For the most part it was ok but there were things that I did not agree with so I felt like I needed to have my voice heard. An example is she was asking for child support for my son who lives with me. That does not make sense. One thing, well there are alot of things that bother me, but I read how people have been separated for months and have yet to file for divorce. My wife left January 17, 2009, its May and she filed already. I just found out that she told my daughter that they were only going to be gone for a short time, work things out and then come back. She never worked on anything, never gave me hope, and if I remember correctly she was only nice to me on her birthday in February, but the kids and I spoiled her that day. I actually thought that was a turning day for us and we were heading in the right direction, but two days later she was mean and abusive with her words like normal. Our Wedding Anniversary is the the 25th of May and I am not sure how I am going to handle this. I am so depressed, barely sleep, and when I do I am awaken by dreams and thoughts of her with someone else. Its been four months and I am not any better then I was when she left. She treats me like dirt, wont speak to me, does all her talking to me through the kids. It makes me still think that she is seeings someone but again there is no proof and she denies it. Her and my son do not talk, he wrote her an email and asked her to please just try with me (He did this on his own) she responded with a letter saying that everything is my fault and she is not going to try for anyone. She asked him if he was going to not talk to her because of this, he said no he wasnt going to talk to her and she said fine. I made him spend mothers day with her and I gave him money to take her and my girls out to lunch. I guess they got into it again and he wanted to come home. She blames me for his behavior, she blames me for everything. We had a quick face to face the other day, I stayed polite and nice and during the conversation she made a statement that she hated me and said that she will keep the girls close because for some reason they like me. WTF?? I am telling you all the truth, I was a good husband, I was not perfect, but she was a home owner at 21. I traded in a brand new civic I had bought when we first got together and got her a brand new camry. Since then, she has had everything she wanted. Louis Viutton bags, coach bags, jewlery, A Brand new home, etc, etc. Those are just things, but I also would suprise her with a spa day for herself after a long week, sent her on two cruises, one a month after our third child was born. Again I am not perfect, I would some times get into football too much on Sunday and wanted to stay home and watch the game instead of going out with the family, however on Saturday we always went out and did things. When we lived in California, I coached my sons baseball and basketball team, was on the board of directors, umpired regular and all star games. If I was off work during the week, I would pick my wife up and take her to lunch, just because. I have pictures and video showing that we were happy, but if you ask her, its been crap forever and its all my fault and she has done nothing wrong. Well my final act as her husband is I decided to make a movie of our 16 years of marriage and give it to her on our Anniversary. It will begin with a narration by me, have pictures of us when we first met, while inserting songs that we liked together. I will add in video of our times together, then add pictures and video of our three kids, holdidays, special events (trips) and then up to this point. It will be hard for me to make (sad) and harder to watch but it will be our life in a movie. She probably wont care and not watch it, but someday she will and maybe someday she will see we were better together. I have still have not found a job so I am not providing like I used to, I am sure that has something to do with her behavior, but if I am not mistaken the wedding vows said for better or worse, sickness and in health and for richer or poorer. Sorry for making this so long, I have not been on in awhile, I have been too down. I cant see past this crisis, when I look into the future and I see us apart and her with someone else I just dont want that future. I know I sound weak, the funny thing is I am not. I have always been a strong individual who has handled anything life has thrown at me. I felt as long as I have my family I can handle anything. Now that I dont have my family I feel like I cant handle anything. I am tired of my own pity party but I honestly cant seem to get past this, I am not sure what to do.

skinman

Sportsman,

hello friend... I am sorry to read about your situation not getting any better. I was hoping since we hadn't heard from you that maybe it was a good sign I am sorry its not... Listen man you need to be strong for your son and daughters... It will get better I know the pain that you feel thinking of your wife with someone else well I am living that at the moment. my stbxw has her boyfriend over my house sleeping in my bed and playing man of the house... You know its used to tear me up inside thinking about that but now it doesnt hurt as much. Like your wife mine has become nasty and vengeful towards me even after giving her the house...

Its the guilt they feel or its someone else... My wife said the same things as yours that there was no one else.... its all lies Sportsman and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can begin to heal. You have read my story and seen all that I have gone through, I never thought that I ould get to the point of it not bothering me but i am close... You will be too... Cut off all communication to her thats doesnt deal with the kids... even if it does deal with them make it simple and to the point. The sooner you realize that she is not the woman you loved and married the better off you will be.....

You have to be strong, you tried man you tried harder than most.. take comfort in the fact that you did your best. LEarn from your mistakes.. we have all made them. I sat down and went over all the things that i thought I could have done better with in my marriage.. Sadly there were quite a few things on my list.. Do the same learn from this your life is not over and you will feel good again...... That I promise you... As for the movie dont do it man.... its only going to piss her off even more bringing up the good moments of your life.. if you want save that for later in life when maybe you to can have a civil relationship .... With my stbxw i dont think that will ever be possible... like you my anniversary is the 24 of May.. Keep your chin up buddy it will get better....

Dont think of her... I have tried to reprogram my thoughts whenever a thought of her comes into my mind I tell myself out loud "dont think of her she doesn't deserve your thoughts" it will take a while but belive me it helps....... Your in my thoughts and prayers Sportsman..... You will survive and you will be a better man for going through this.......

Sportsman

Well like Skinman my anniversary came and went, it was Monday Memorial day. I spent the day thinking about us and I guess she spent the day thinking about everything but us. I just want to know when this is supposed to get easier. She left on Jan 17, 2009, its now May and I still feel just as bad as i did that day. Now I am dealing with home, financial and job issues but the only thing that consumes me is her. I cannot for the life of me move on, all I do is think about her, I still only sleep a few hours a night. I always knew how much she meant to me but this is ridicules. I still have not had the "knowing" that she is with someone else, when that happens I know I will flip. Going through this makes me not want to be with anyone again, even though a great friend who got divorced with a beautiful women gave me the opposite advice. He told me to start dating as soon as possible that the attention would make me feel better. I don't know, I am afraid the whole time I would be thinking about my wife and ruin the night. I just want the pain to go away. I still have coming the knowing of the other guy thing and the actual divorce to deal with I am afraid that this is not going to stop hurting for a long time. I can't even get through a day now without having a drink just to calm the mind. This is incredible. I know I am not the first or last person to go through this but I just wish for some relief......

skinman

Well Sportsman... not only do we share cheating stbxw but we also share the same anniversary date.. what are the odds friends.. Listen buddy i know how bad you feel, and all the thoughts going through your head but you can control them... Did you read what i wrote in my previous response... Train the mind man.. its easier to do than you think.. You know you think of her so when you do tell yourself... "she is not worth your thoughts"

Do it everytime you think of her.... Everytime... after a while it becomes second nature and it definetely helps man... Come on buddy you can make it through this..... look at me I have turned my life around for the most part.. you have read my post and how sorry I was...... it gets better.. You have my number. !!! dont be afraid to use it....... anytime man i mean it... wake me up if you have to i'm here for you sportsman !!!

Rhea

I know exactly what you're going through, My H left the 16th of Jan...it still sucks, it seems like I love him more everyday as opposed to loving him less. He is my world. I feel lost w/o him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back and I already know about the other woman (there's been more than one but that just shows me he doesn't give a sh*t about them so it's not like he's out there creating something meaningful) I keep getting told it will get better and do you really want him back after what you "know" now? And the answer is yes

Sportsman

I am sorry to hear about your situation but I know what you mean. I don't know for sure my wife is cheating, I have not proven it and the kids have not seen anything. But I do believe she is. I found out that she bought three baseball tickets for this coming Monday night but told the kids that she had a CPR class and needed them to stay with me. The odd thing is she got three tickets, the part where I believe she is cheating is she is lieing about it. I know her yearly CPR class is on Saturday. Either way she is lieing because she has something to hide. I want to believe that if I found out that she was cheating that I could let go. But I am afraid after I got through all the thoughts of her being with this guy that I would want her back as well. But then again, that is taboo with me. Its not going to matter soon anyway because the divorce should be final in the near future and then she can morally do whatever she wants.

Sportsman

I get this email from my wife letting me know that her job which is a pre school will be having its end of year picnic and asked me and my son to go with her and the girls in her words she said it will be fun. Well I get all excited because not once since she left in January has she offered to anything like that. So I pause and smile and think, maybe things are going to get better. I continue to read the email where she asks me to sign the divorce papers because there is no need to pro long it. Ouch, so much for that good feeling. I decided not to go, but the girls kept asking me so I did. My son who does not talk to his mom did not want to go but I talked him into it. He would not sit by her or talk to her. Though I know he should be nicer I have to admit that part of me likes that he is giving her a hard time so she can feel what I am feeling. Being treated like crap for no reason. At the picnic, she really did not talk to me and I did not talk to her. Later though we talked on the phone and she was nicer even though upset about the way my son acted. The next day we talked for a few minutes and she was nice again, I started thinking that she must need a heart transplant and was hoping to get mine. I am sure it means nothing, I am going to ask her out to dinner (we have not gone since she has left) if she says no then I will know that nothing has changed. Just to be clear I do tell my son to visit his mom but he refuses, and I dont make him because of the way she acts to all of us.

Thought I would update everyone on my latest interaction. If I sign the papers the divorce would be final in July.

toomanytears

I had to chuckle about the heart transplant comment, lol. I doubt you'd get a positive response about your dinner invitation. You could try but be prepared to be turned down. I think she may just being nice until she gets your signature on the papers. I can't figure on why she would want you at her company picnic? That is very strange.

Rhea

Yeah the picnic thing throws me off. Sounds like she wanted to put on a show for her co-workers....how selfish of her considering she's the one preventing the show from continuing on.

Deejo

Sportsman,

if you were to write down a list of the reasons that make your wife desirable to you and then list how she has treated and responded to you over the last few months, you will have the contradictions of your circumstances down in black and white.

What I have often found cruel about this entire process is that by displaying your hopes and vulnerabilities to your partner in the hope of reconnecting - it only succeeds in pushing them further away. She gets stronger as you get weaker. For your own sake, and that of your kids, why would you choose to perpetuate that?

There will come a time when this is behind you. Believe that. Just keep going.

Sportsman

One thing I may have left out, my 4 year old goes to this pre school, so her inviting me could have been because my daugther goes there. The comment about being nice so I will sign the papers may be real. One other new note. My son asked to speak to her without me knowing and told her that he had over heard us talking on the phone about the posibility of counseling. He asked if she was serious about that and she told him that she was considering it. He said, you know that is my biggest complaint here, that you left without even trying to keep the family together. She said I know. So he continues to say that if she does this it would help their relationship. She quickly asks, well what happens if we go and it does not work? Will we (him and her) be ok? He says, it depends if you are going just to say you did then no we will not be ok, if you go and really try and it just does not work out then I will understand. So he tells me this which brought a little hope to me. However this was last week and she has not bothered to bring it up to me once. So I am at the point where I think she just said that to my son in hopes that it would lighten his mood on her when in fact she has no plans to try and fix this. I still dont think she is seeing anyone but I do believe she is enjoying the freedom of going out and doing things. Her friends are all super young 18-22, she is 35. The funny things is all her friends (all 3 or 4 of them) are either married or dating so its not like she is hanging out with a bunch of single friends. I just need to let go of the hope.

One point on what Deejo said, you are right, I have a journal that I keep and when I review it, I can see that over the last several months she has been a serious demon to me. And I have tried everything I can to get us back together and the women wont even talk to me. I and my kids do not even have her cell phone number, so when she is not home we cannot get a hold of her if something is wrong. She is very selfish and If I am honest with myself, know that this will end in divorce.

Sportsman

Just an update of my weekend starting on Friday June 12th. Originally I was going to have the girls Saturday and Sunday but found out from my 8 year old that the girls were staying on Friday as well. Now believe me if I had my way I would have my girls everyday but it did bother me that on Friday morning I find out that they are staying. So I keep thinking that the reason for this is my wife must have made some plans. Friday evening my 8 year old called her mom to check in and asked her what she was going to do that night (this did not come from me) My wife told her she was going to clean the house, have dinner and watch TV. Well it was eating away at me and did what I have not done before and went to her apartment to see what was going on. I watched as a friend (a girl) came over and then the two of them dressed up and left in my wifes car. Pissed I went home. Just a note, the day before that my wife called me and told me that she was so sick and was wondering if I could take my girls to my 8 year olds school Carnival, I said sure and took the girls for about three hours. The next day she is out partying with her friend. On Saturday she told my 8 year old that another friend came over and spent the afternoon but she was home Saturday night (which I don't believe) Sunday night on her facebook page she posted that she had a "Fantastic Weekend" So here is what is bothering me so much. I remember one weekend that she had the girls on a Friday night, she posted on her facebook page "Home bored on a Friday night" The weekend she does not have the girls and is out with "friends" she posts that she had a great weekend. My wife is definitely enjoying her single life, she claims that its just with friends and it could be true but she has been caught lying to me, to my son and my daughter so its hard to know. On the other hand what did I do with my kids this week that I am talking about. Monday I had my 4 year old and took her to the doctor because she was sick. Tuesday the kids spent the night so I had them all day and nobody heard from my wife (none of us have her cell phone number she will not give it out) Wednesday she claimed to work late so I had the girls late, Thursday I took them to the Carnival. Friday they spent the night and we played outside and had a BBQ. Saturday I took them fishing and both the girls caught their first fish and then we went out to dinner. Sunday I took the kids to church and then we went to a local event that had vendors, food and rides by the lake. I spent every minute of my time with my kids. Now don't get me wrong I am not asking for a ribbon, I am supposed to do this and want to do this. It just bothers me that my wife is away, does not call, lies about what she is doing and has done, has not seen the kids for most of the week and posts that it was a great weekend for her. The term selfishness just keeps coming to mind. When I brought the girls back, my son walked them upstairs and he usually just drops them off and comes down without speaking with my wife. He was there longer so when he came back I asked what happened. He said that he had asked her about counseling, because he was following up on his previous conversation with her. He said that she said she was thinking about it and planned to call me that night to talk to me about it. She never did, she was too busy typing on facebook how great her weekend was. I keep thinking about that Tracy Lawrence song where he says " I got it through my head I just cant break it to my heart" That is where I am at, I know we are done and that if she wanted to go to counseling that she would have said something. I feel that she is cheating, though I have no proof, and I know that she is simply talking to my son about counseling because it opens the door for her to talk to him. She knows that he is trying to get her to try to work things out with us and she has not tried so if she acts like she might try he is nicer to her. I know we are done, but I need to get out of this quick sand and quit waiting for her to come back with a rope to pull me out. Once I can figure out how to move on, I will be better. This just needs to happen soon, we have been separated for 6 months with little to no contact, you would think I would be past it by now... One last note, my 8 year old called me before she went to bed and told me that my 4 year old told my wife that she wants to live with daddy forever. My wife said why, she said because I love him and have fun with him. My wife responded, well we will see. Now she has lied to all of us..

overitnolove

I'm just glad to hear you are angry rather than sad... that means you are moving past the worst of it.

Being a man who ran such a large concern, it sounds like you need a goal. Set something up for yourself to focus on, maybe that involves new people to expand your circle. It may feel a little forced at first but it would be a positive thing. It sounds like you're getting there,

S