Hi Everyone,
I have been separated from my wife for three weeks now and knew that she was leaving maybe a month or two before that. Instead of finding a great forum like this I just wrote all my thoughts down daily in a journal. Last night I was having a bad night and I found this site and began to read all of the posts. The bad thing is we all feel bad the good thing I guess is we are not alone. I read the entire situation with skinman and the part of the dreams and not being able to not say I love you and not text is very very hard. I have been married for 15 years I have three children a 15 year old son who lives with me, an 8 year old daughter who lives with my wife but is with me three nights a week and a 4 year old daughter who is with me Monday thru Friday and does spend the night a once or twice a week. My company downsized with this horrible economy and I was part of it so right now i am not working. This causes great stress because of course I am having a hard time trying to save my home. My story is very long so I will piece it together in different posts but here is the main thing. My wife chose the separation siting things that happend throughout the marriage, some that I did not even remember. I am the type of person the deals with situations as they come and for the most part lets go, my wife does not talk about things that bother her except to her mom and sister and holds onto them forever. I had always tried to talk to her if she seemed upset but she would just not talk about things, saying I should know what is wrong. My wife moved out to an apartment about five miles from here, she left me at the lowest time in my life, no job, my company car gone, and cant afford the house. She is very cold, stating the "Separation Catch Phrase" that she needs her space and that I need to leave her be. I still do not know exactly what happend here so I assumed that it is another guy. I have no proof of this and she swore on our daughters life (its not normal for her to do that) that there was no guy and she would never be with somebody while we are married. However I cant get the thought our of my head that she is. She is in control which is hard for me because I consider myself a strong person. She is very, very mean, she ignores, is rude and treats me with indifference. I am just lost, I cant sleep, I have horrible dreams and just cannot pick myself off of the floor. I need to get my career back on track and I need to save my house but every day I just cant get going. One nice thing is I have my son, we have joined a gym, its more for me to get in better shape plus give me something to do to keep my mind off of her. I too do not have alot of friends, I have only lived in this state two years and most of the people I knew worked for me. I also spent all my free time with my family instead of going out with friends. My wife has said that she does not want a divorce "right now" but her actions say otherwise. I have read enough here to know that I should give her the space that she needs but it is very hard. I am writing here to get some of this out of my head and hopes that I can share with some of you who have lived this or is living it now. I am in tremendous pain over this, I love my wife very much and want nothing more to get us back together. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
buddy, i feel like i am reading me when i read your post. you feel like you are out of control because...you are. maybe you have control issues. a wife who wants space wants to distance herself for something. control, abuse, whatever.
it's hard for me to say thing cuz it's advice that i should have taken a few month ago...but give her space...time, whatever she wants to call it. be friendly. rebuild a friendship with her, honor her existence, she deserves that. respect her, trust her. all those things she wasn't getting before. take a breath, do good things for yourself. you certainly have things you could improve, right? do it.
best of luck my friend. this is the beginning of a lifelong journey. honor.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
sports, aside from a few minor details, the story is the same. i too thought an affair and had her swear numerous times on our daughters soul. tbhis only made the matters worse as she believed i didnt trust her. i tried to tell her that i am a walking time bomb and hope she would understand. i agree with the posters here that you MUST give her space. gl ill be following you
sports, aside from a few minor details, the story is the same. i too thought an affair and had her swear numerous times on our daughters soul. tbhis only made the matters worse as she believed i didnt trust her. i tried to tell her that i am a walking time bomb and hope she would understand. i agree with the posters here that you MUST give her space. gl ill be following you
Thank you for the feedback, I know I have to give her her space but its just hard as I am sure you know.
buddy, i feel like i am reading me when i read your post. you feel like you are out of control because...you are. maybe you have control issues. a wife who wants space wants to distance herself for something. control, abuse, whatever.
it's hard for me to say thing cuz it's advice that i should have taken a few month ago...but give her space...time, whatever she wants to call it. be friendly. rebuild a friendship with her, honor her existence, she deserves that. respect her, trust her. all those things she wasn't getting before. take a breath, do good things for yourself. you certainly have things you could improve, right? do it.
best of luck my friend. this is the beginning of a lifelong journey. honor.
Voivod
I have seen you on this forum writing about how what you are going through and I have seen you respond to others trying to help them. I thank you for that. I am just having hard time dealing with the whole thing. I know I have to get my career going again and get off the carpet. I have always made really good money and at one time owned two homes. However I am at the lowest point in my life and that is when my wife leaves. The other thing that is so hard to deal with is how mean she is and just how she acts. Here is an example. The other day was her birthday and like always I over did it. We had agreed that she would come over and the "family" would be together for her day, we would have dinner and then go to my daughters basketball game that I and my son coach. So I start the day by getting her balloons, cards and cookies and take it to her work with the kids, we surprise her and she seems touched. She comes over after and we have the place decorated, a cake, presents etc. She seemed happy by this and even kissed me softly three or four times saying thank you. The kids even commented that Mom was being nice. The next day I text her to check in and she tells me that I am bugging her and to leave her alone. In our house my wife has always done the cooking an she is a great cook, these last three weeks though I have been eating healthier I have not had a home cooked meal. Anyway last night she comes over because my daughter has a basketball game and she brought some food that she cooked. I thought wow, that is nice and i said that to her. She replies that she brought it for the kids since they were staying and walked away. She acts like she does not want to be in the same room with me. The bad part here is I am dealing with the loss of my job, the loss of my car, the most likely loss of my beautiful home and during this time is when my wife decides to bail and treat me like SH**. I wish I could let my anger be the driver because it would be easier to move on, but in my case the heart is in control and I do not want this to happen. I have alot more that is on my mind but I will save it for another time.
sportsman,
once in awhile, my anger takes over me. it might sound a little like a pity party because i had major health problems, almost died, lost a number of "toys" and, yeah, my wife chose now to separate. but her reasons are right. i have to face that.
oh, by the way. there is no "wrong" when it comes to how she feels. keep that in mind.
and the kisses on her birthday---good
the texting afterwards---stop it
she'll tell you if needs anything from you.
the food she brought over and her comment...blow it off. her negative *****y reply might have been the only control she felt she had.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Last night I got an email from my wife telling me she wanted money, even though I have the kids as much as her and my 15 year old lives with me. Then tells me that she needs to be separate from me as much as possible so she can get a handle on her life. I just dont get any of this, what should I do, anyone?
Last night I got an email from my wife telling me she wanted money, even though I have the kids as much as her and my 15 year old lives with me. Then tells me that she needs to be separate from me as much as possible so she can get a handle on her life. I just dont get any of this, what should I do, anyone?
money...it's okay to help her out, but if she wants to "get a handle on her life" she probably could start with finances.
your heart will tell you what to do. you want her back? no hostility, but be careful not to get walked all over.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
I feel for you friend and know exactly where you are, how you feel and all the other stuff going through your head. I must say its tough and will most likely get tougher for you.. Like your wife mine said there was no one else and that it was all me... She brought up things that had happened 12 or so years ago as reasons she wanted out. I tried my hardest begged and pleaded for another chance and it got me knowwhere.. My advice would be to give her the space she needs.. If she truly doesnt want a divorce give her a chance to miss you.. miss the guy she fell in love with... It will be the hardest thing you have done but look out for yourself.
do things that you enjoy... get out of the house surround yourself with friends...find a hobby.... Listen this is all coming from soneone who tried so hard to win back my wife did everything I could in the first 2 months but was shot down with every attempt..... See I didnt take my own advice until now.. I have seen the light in a sense that the only way to have a chance of getting her back is having her see that I will be ok without her... I have lost hope and have given up on mine.. almost 16 years we were together to have her throw it away.. for someone else..
You are in my thoughts and prayers... I wish you the best and hopefully your marriage can be saved... If not you will come out a much better man..... I can attest to that..
I feel for you friend and know exactly where you are, how you feel and all the other stuff going through your head. I must say its tough and will most likely get tougher for you.. Like your wife mine said there was no one else and that it was all me... She brought up things that had happened 12 or so years ago as reasons she wanted out. I tried my hardest begged and pleaded for another chance and it got me knowwhere.. My advice would be to give her the space she needs.. If she truly doesnt want a divorce give her a chance to miss you.. miss the guy she fell in love with... It will be the hardest thing you have done but look out for yourself.
do things that you enjoy... get out of the house surround yourself with friends...find a hobby.... Listen this is all coming from someone who tried so hard to win back my wife did everything I could in the first 2 months but was shot down with every attempt..... See I didn't take my own advice until now.. I have seen the light in a sense that the only way to have a chance of getting her back is having her see that I will be ok without her... I have lost hope and have given up on mine.. almost 16 years we were together to have her throw it away.. for someone else..
You are in my thoughts and prayers... I wish you the best and hopefully your marriage can be saved... If not you will come out a much better man..... I can attest to that..
Hey Skinman,
Your story is what made me want to join the forum and see if I could get some support and guidance. As you know this is very hard for me. I have the added issue of my job and house issues. I have never had a problem with finances or working but the market kicked my butt in several places and I suspect that this had something to do with my wifes departure. I just would not have done that to her, the wedding vows say for richer and poorer, sickness and in health. I guess she just forgot about that and is only thinking about herself. I am having a very tough times, I am in a very low place right now with everything going on I wish I could see the light but I cant.
I sent my wife an email answering her request for money. However in the email I made an attempt to once again remind her about everything we once had and how no marriange is perfect etc etc. I went into her email (I have the password) and saw that she read it but just deleted it. No response, no in the "old" file, just deleted it. I just can't believe that she has no care at all for me. I swear she is seeing somebody but again I have no proof and she has not really been in a position that she could do that. I guess if there is a will there is a way. She swears she is not having an affair and even gives me a hard time saying that I dont trust her and that she would never do that while we are married. Maybe its just my mind wandering but it sucks, I hate it, it brings me way down. I know I have to just take care of myself and do things that shows that she is not effecting me but it is hard. Honestly if karma is real her future is going to suck.
She swears she is not having an affair and even gives me a hard time saying that I dont trust her and that she would never do that while we are married. Maybe its just my mind wandering but it sucks, I hate it, it brings me way down. I know I have to just take care of myself and do things that shows that she is not effecting me but it is hard. Honestly if karma is real her future is going to suck.
Well Sportsman this is one thing I have learned that WW do when they leave us.. They make you feel that everything is your fault they guilt you into beliveing that it was in fact you that drove them away... Its a defense mechanism to help themselve cope with the guilt they are feeling.. Look up Gaslighting on google... I had never heard of it before all of this started in my life but thats exactly what your WW is doing to you... It was done to me and in a sense still is being done.
I know its hard for you friend and it will be for a while.. those thoughts and doubts of wondering how could she do this after all of the years together... Well know that its not you... its all on her she made this decision and as hard as it is for you to understand you may never know the real reason... Or maybe oneday it will all come out... When this started for me my stbxw made it sound like I drove her away.. I felt all the guilt and thoughts of where I failed her and my girls... In the end the truth came out.. it wasnt me it was the affair she was and still is having that ended our marriage... They will blame you for anything and everything so they feel better they have to hate you to ease the guilt they are feeling.......My stbxw said some of the most hurtfull things when it was ending making me think this is not the same woman I fell in love with.... sounds like yours is doing the same thing...try and not to take it personal... I hope Karma is alive and well in our spouses live for thier future...
what comes around goes around....... remember that... have peace friend... there are better days ahead for you !!
Well Sportsman this is one thing I have learned that WW do when they leave us.. They make you feel that everything is your fault they guilt you into beliveing that it was in fact you that drove them away... Its a defense mechanism to help themselve cope with the guilt they are feeling.. Look up Gaslighting on google... I had never heard of it before all of this started in my life but thats exactly what your WW is doing to you... It was done to me and in a sense still is being done.
I know its hard for you friend and it will be for a while.. those thoughts and doubts of wondering how could she do this after all of the years together... Well know that its not you... its all on her she made this decision and as hard as it is for you to understand you may never know the real reason... Or maybe oneday it will all come out... When this started for me my stbxw made it sound like I drove her away.. I felt all the guilt and thoughts of where I failed her and my girls... In the end the truth came out.. it wasnt me it was the affair she was and still is having that ended our marriage... They will blame you for anything and everything so they feel better they have to hate you to ease the guilt they are feeling.......My stbxw said some of the most hurtfull things when it was ending making me think this is not the same woman I fell in love with.... sounds like yours is doing the same thing...try and not to take it personal... I hope Karma is alive and well in our spouses live for thier future...
what comes around goes around....... remember that... have peace friend... there are better days ahead for you !!
Thanks Skinman
I can only hope, I have to pick myself up as well. As I have stated I am also dealing with the loss of job and possible loss of my house. I have to be honest its hard to get pumped up and get myself in gear to find a job but I know I need to. I am doing the career builder and monster thing, but I am not pushing it like I should. In the long run I know that I will regret that if I lose my house.
I can only hope, I have to pick myself up as well. As I have stated I am also dealing with the loss of job and possible loss of my house. I have to be honest its hard to get pumped up and get myself in gear to find a job but I know I need to. I am doing the career builder and monster thing, but I am not pushing it like I should. In the long run I know that I will regret that if I lose my house.
thanks for the feedback.
Well your in my prayers Sportsman...that everything will work out and you'll find work soon enough....... keep the faith........
Valentines day is coming up the first one in 17 years that I wont be spending it with my wife, this will be tough. I met my wife when she was 17, she is now 34, been with her half of her life. This fu**ing sucks..
Separation Blue's
