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Old 02-28-2012, 06:40 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

Staying friends allows each other to live their lives after such a life changing event. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others and ourselves at the same time. It releases the wasteful negative energy that consumes the spirit, and allows the positive energy to thrive. Forgiveness frees the spirit of the one granting the gift. The receiver has to decide what to do with it. The act alone is never wasted. The giver always benefits.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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Originally Posted by worrieddad View Post
Hi folks,

I've posted before about my extremely amicable split from my stbx. A quick recap, she drove the whole thing; while she never said it, her reasons were basically the whole ILBNILWY/So empty/Nothing left to give crap. I went through some serious angst trying to save the situation, due to my ingrained "Marriage is Forever, through thick and thin" and "A family should be together" set of values, all to no avail. So I eventually said "The hell with it then" and agreed to everything and we got down to planning it together, with no lawyer involvement - it was easy to do, as we've always been equal earners, no money worries, no alimony or child support payments required, 50/50 parenting no probs, etc etc etc. We had been having general relationship problems, but I put them down to normal married life - she obviously felt a lot stronger and didn't have my values due to her own broken home upbringing, so she flaked.

Because I think the ILBNILWY/so empty/nothing left to give spiel is the biggest crock of horse poo ever spoken on the face of this earth, I did a ton of extensive snooping during the process to see if there was anyone else in the frame. What I found, rather than another guy, was her confiding in and surrounding herself with a new set of partying divorced friends, who no doubt had a big impact on solidifying her decision to jump ship. She seems to have largely embraced this new lifestyle - single friends, single divorcee friends etc. Regarding her (our) more traditional, long term married friends - she seems to have distanced herself from them.

We sold our house; I moved into a nice apartment, she is having a new place built and living with her mom in the interim; our daughter spends 50/50 time at each place. As far as these things go, the transition has been pretty good do far; we've both worked hard to ensure our daughter always comes first and have maintained friendly relations...I think we've done more talking than in any split in history. Despite me being the dumpee, I've been doing OK; keeping busy, surrounding myself with friends (taking a leaf out of her book, I've been doing plenty of partying of my own) and so on. Some parts of me have even enjoyed the downtime, and at times have been excited by future prospects.....but then other times, the reality check still continues to hit me.

But here's the rub - I know that probably sooner rather than later, she is going to meet someone else (and may well even be having the odd fling here and there anyway, due to this new partying midlife crisis lifestyle that she has chosen). I'm finding that it is bothering me more than it should. I think that continuing to be friendly with her is only likely to serve as an enabler for her - and is likely to turn her into a "Cake Eater". Seems I'm good enough to do the family time and even hang around with and have a beer together etc...but obviously no longer "cool enough" to be her lover. The fact that this is bugging me is obviously an indicator that despite all my progress and bravado etc...I'm not as over her as I like to think I am. And vice versa....the fact she wants to still hang out with me/go out to dinner on our own (and we've come close to "getting it on, one last time" on a number of occasions) and likes to call me up for a general chat all seems indicative that she's not quite as done as she likes to think she is.

The trouble with it all is that being the dumpee, I am really starting to feel like the "Backup Plan", and this strange limbo is not helping either of us really deal with the gravity of the whole situation.....and I think it is just setting myself up for a renewed slap in the face come the inevitable day when she seriously meets someone else (or even if she's decided just to screw around). As such, I am now thinking that on our next outing, I am going to sit down and talk with her and tell her that in order to properly move on, I need to cut much further away from her emotionally - no "dates", no calls, no real communication unless its about our daughter, etc. I think she needs to see it in the cold light of day as well - the way it is going on at the moment, I am still providing her the familiarity and emotional support that she has always enjoyed. She also still keeps doing things for me - I think a lot of that is guilt driven, but some of it is genuine thoughtfulness, however I think to continue on as we are is ultimately headed to a really big wreck down the road.

I'm starting to see it's true what they (i.e. most of you all on this board! ) say; being friends with your ex really drags out the healing process, and you even find yourself wondering what they are up to, jealous feelings and so on.

A question for anyone who has been through it - what to do about my inlaw family? I've always got on with them great - and they have been very supportive to me during this whole thing, always calling and asking how I am, helping me with this that and the other - I think they all feel that what she has done is wrong, and deep down I can see they are hoping we will resolve it (but I'm not so sure we can or will). Do you think it best I really should start distancing myself from them too? They love me and I love them...but the reminders of the good family times we have all shared together is starting to get to me a bit as well.

I tell ya, this divorcing business...even if its amicable, its crap. My heart really goes out to those in much worse predicaments than myself.

Just liking this post because I'm in the almost identical situation as you are...only I am already divorced from him and he hasn't proposed any dating or spending family time together (yet ???).....

Can't wait to read how your story continues....
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:41 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

to me if you can be friends, there's no reason to split. at least that's how i feel in my life.
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:32 PM   #19 (permalink)
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to me if you can be friends, there's no reason to split. at least that's how i feel in my life.
ITA! I told my wxw that I married her a vowed to be her husband, lover, and friend. If I couldnt be all of them, I couldnt be any...

It is my belief that a wayward who wants to remain friends wants to do so because it makes them feel better.

You may not have a wayward spouse but it would be the same for me either way, all or none!


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Old 02-28-2012, 09:09 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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I think partly they want to stay friends is to relieve their own guilt about what they have done. Especially when imfidelity is involved.
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:20 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

Well, I am separated, but my wife has already moved on with someone else and I am still living in the same house. She ran right to the guy I always knew in my gut was going to be the death of our marriage.

Anyway, I now know what to expect when they move on with someone else and I am a bit thankful that I get to grieve all of this crap at once instead of in phases. When it becomes a reality you will adapt my friend. I found out 4 days ago and I am definitely totally crushed, but I am still alive, I am still breathing, I still have my daughter, friends, god, job and most importantly myself.

Hang in there....
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:31 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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Originally Posted by HerToo View Post
Staying friends allows each other to live their lives after such a life changing event. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others and ourselves at the same time. It releases the wasteful negative energy that consumes the spirit, and allows the positive energy to thrive. Forgiveness frees the spirit of the one granting the gift. The receiver has to decide what to do with it. The act alone is never wasted. The giver always benefits.
At the current early stage in the process, I have realized this is too much. Maybe when I get myself properly sorted it will happen, but for now I need to cut her out for my own wellbeing.

Its not so much a forgiveness issue; she is her own person, I understand that. But so am I, and to safeguard my sanity I need to cut the friendship angle.

Back to normal programming.....signed up on match.com now, a couple of dates will do me good I think!
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:39 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

IMO, it is way too soon to think about dating. You still have strong feelings for your wife which is why its painful to be friends. By dating, you will be trying to use others to help you heal which doesnt work. I would suggest taking some time to get reaquainted with who you are. Gain an understanding of what role you played in y oí ur marital breakdown and vow not to repeat those mistakes. Once you are comfortable with you, you will attract the right type of person.
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:28 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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It is my belief that a wayward who wants to remain friends wants to do so because it makes them feel better.Posted via Mobile Device
In my case my stbxw said she needed to leave the marriage, but felt guilty over how sad I was (to my knowledge she did not have an EA or PA). Staying friends is her way of softening the guilt. She is otherwise happy leading her own life from what I hear, with no regrets. Now it is all about her, her ambition, her search for praise/recognition/etc.

It's nice not to feel resented and to feel as if I am walking on eggshells every day, despite missing the better parts of our relationship. She was my best friend, and I saw past her flaws and accepted the whole person. The reverse was not true, and it was a very one-sided relationship. Sometimes, even in the saddest and most painful moments through all of this, I remember it's not such a bad thing to be separated from her. After all, it takes two to make a marriage work. She lost interest, and I know I was a very loving, supportive and caring husband.
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:48 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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In my case my stbxw said she needed to leave the marriage, but felt guilty over how sad I was (to my knowledge she did not have an EA or PA). Staying friends is her way of softening the guilt. She is otherwise happy leading her own life from what I hear, with no regrets. Now it is all about her, her ambition, her search for praise/recognition/etc.

It's nice not to feel resented and to feel as if I am walking on eggshells every day, despite missing the better parts of our relationship. She was my best friend, and I saw past her flaws and accepted the whole person. The reverse was not true, and it was a very one-sided relationship. Sometimes, even in the saddest and most painful moments through all of this, I remember it's not such a bad thing to be separated from her. After all, it takes two to make a marriage work. She lost interest, and I know I was a very loving, supportive and caring husband.
canguy66, that sounds familiar to me, except the EA(that is how it felt). I know she feels guilty, "You still want to be friends with me? *sobbing*" I regret saying yes and wanting to be friends. I have set myself back so much and ruined health friendships along that path, but life is all about learning.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:31 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

I would think once you split up, you're more free to be 'better' with the other person. Less psychic cost, more moment by moment. It no longer costs you anything to be nice to one another. Like being a grandparent - once the kids tires you out - hand him back to his parents. The rest of your train wreck of a marriage no longer matters as much, evident you're not together. As long as your not pestering one another for help with chores what's the harm?
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:43 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

Sounds like my story. I've later realized how easy it is to let someone become our priority while becoming their option. Let her go, tell her you'll communicate only about your daughter.

Good luck to us all.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:49 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

Hi WD I agree with your assement I feel that it could be a form of cake eating by the dumper. I also feel that you are making the right decision that any contact between you and your spouse should only be about your daughter. JMO

Good Luck
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Old 02-29-2012, 01:19 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

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I would think once you split up, you're more free to be 'better' with the other person. Less psychic cost, more moment by moment. It no longer costs you anything to be nice to one another. Like being a grandparent - once the kids tires you out - hand him back to his parents. The rest of your train wreck of a marriage no longer matters as much, evident you're not together. As long as your not pestering one another for help with chores what's the harm?
I have come to realize that's a good policy....a ways down the line. Because of my soul searching over the last couple of days and still having feelings for the stbx - it's just not going to work for me at this present time. When the time comes that I have no more feelings for her and am happy and successfully fully moved on, I can then re-evaluate it.
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:17 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Update and why being too friendly post separation can't really work.

Well folks, this particularly bad backslide is over and I'm doing a whole lot better this week; back to my moving on. What is really helping me out is spending a lot of time with various friends who have been through it all before (and much worse than what I've got it, at that). Had a good cordial chat with the stbx a few days ago - it's now flat out clear that she absolutely doesn't want to be married anymore. She's not "fogged" or anything....she is just very determined that this is the way things have to be.

For all the want in the world, I can't change that, and what must be, must be. I actually quite respect her....as far as proceedings go, she's bending over backwards to make sure we get this done properly with an appropriate parenting plan before she files (and when she does file, she will let me have the paperwork before, so I can look it over). Assets and finances have already been split exactly 50/50, with no complaint on either side.

In all honesty, (this weeks thoughts on the roller-coaster, at least!) I think it might be for the best. I wouldn't want to "guilt" anybody into staying with me...that is just not healthy. The fact that she is deciding to make a clean break is (in my eyes) better than to continue on unhappy and having an affair or whatever.

I think I've been stuck in the wrong place all along....I think I have probably been in the "Denial" phase of the whole grieving process, even after all this time (really since Oct) - this whole thing has shattered my image of what marriage is all about, as I mentioned before I had a very strong idea about family upbringing and meaning my vows etc....I just couldn't call it quits. My good friends have helped me understand all that.

I have to say this week, I seem to be feeling a really profound change.....i.e. finally moving towards acceptance. What I realize I have to do is get myself to where she is feelings wise. Essentially, I need to fall out of love with her, easier said than done, but that is now my goal. Right now I feel I do need a bit of space (which I have actually arranged in the form of an overseas vacation to visit yet more old friends - something to look forward to!), but I do think that once I get myself mentally over her, chances are we will actually be able to be friends in the future.

It's a weird one folks, but this week I feel that I am am truly starting to let go, rather than *think* I was letting go. The fact our daughter is doing so well with the transition is really helping. No doubt there will be more bumps to come, but this week I am thinking its good progress.
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