What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

I am about to start the divorce process. H cheated and wants a divorce to be with OW. However, he still maintains that they are "just friends" though there is evidence that says otherwise. It will obviously all come out during discovery. We have hired collaborative attorneys. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I was wondering how he would he act once all the evidence comes out (I haven't said anything to him about everything I know). Will he finally "fess up" and admit anything? Should I just expect him to be a liar the rest of this life, which will make it hard because we still have to co-parent.
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

If you are divorcing, why does it even matter?
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

I guess what I'm trying to ask is will he have any reaction when all the evidence is presented? I think he thinks that he'll be able to hide credit cards statements, bank statements, etc.
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Old 02-28-2012, 05:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Unless he is dead, he will have a reaction. He is human after all. Everyone reacts to a divorce or the discovery process. One day he may admit he cheated and maybe he never will. Either way, not your problem anymore. Get your divorce and try to keep your emotions out of it.
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Old 02-28-2012, 10:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Thanks for the responses. You're right, it doesn't matter by this point. I'm still riding the waves with everything that's going on and had a couple of bad days. I recently found this forum (I wish I had found it sooner) and am glad I found others who can relate. Reading and re-reading "Just Let Them Go" has helped a lot.
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Oh, I can very definately understand the "need to know". Im like that. I just want to know the truth. Who is/was this person we were married to all this time? I think it can help provide a measure of closure. Unfortunately, there will always be things we will never understand about the ones who leave. For me this is the hardest part to let go of.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Well-- 4 months in, mine is still a liar, and a passive aggressive ass. I don't expect it to get better at this point sadly.
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Old 03-01-2012, 11:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Right, I think the hardest part is not having closure and trying to understand what went wrong. But we probably will never get it. Our spouses are not who we thought they were. And I've realized mine has not been for a long time now. And as a BS we can't understand how someone who we love/thought loved us can act like they have been. We can't understand it because we would never act like that, we could never imaging hurting our family or breaking up our family like they can. Obviously, we are better off being the type of people we are.
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Old 03-01-2012, 11:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

A no ex-friend of mine is/was a serial cheater on her husband. He never found out and she divorced him whereupon he's been pretty good about the division of assets, helping her financially etc. She on the other hand has a near psychotic hatred of his new fiance and screams and pouts about the both of them nonstop. I think when you're breaking up you need to look at it like closing on a house. It's not personal, just business.
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Old 03-02-2012, 10:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

My experience is this---granted I don't know for sure if my wife had a physical affair, but she without any doubt had an emotional one (which she sort of admitted, without admitting it, ya know?)...

Anyhow...the farther down the divorce rabbit hole you go...the more they feel guilty internally...and so they make up stories and excuses to alter the reality of the situation.

For my wife...she started turning it into a "you're crazy, and neglectful"...then we signed divorce papers and all that, and I went on a date (though still legally married during the waiting period before they say OK!)...she assumed I slept with this other person, and proceeded to try to convince me that I had an affair, and I am now an adulterer.....

You can't win with a cheater. The reality is, once someone toys with your trust, and breaks it, nothing they say will ever be credible again.

Also, the problem with telling lies, is that in order to protect the first lie, the liar has to keep telling more lies. Sooner or later, it won't matter what they say, because you'll never be confident that what they've told you is even remotely true.
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Old 03-03-2012, 07:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

When and if the truth comes out, his written-in-stone answer to everyone who asks him "why?" will be that you were crazy, jealous and paranoid, constantly accusing him of having affairs, and after, and ONLY AFTER, he finally decided to leave you in order to save his own sanity because he couldn't take the psychotic accusations from you anymore, (and after everyone starts to wonder if YOU were the one who destroyed the marriage after all), he'll say that THAT is when the OW took pity on him and came to his emotional rescue.
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Old 03-03-2012, 08:44 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Well since he has already given his worst, by cheating, I can only expect more of the same from him as we iron out the terms of a collabrative divorce.

He continues to insist that he hasn't "abandoned" me, uh say what? What DO you call it when you tell your wife via a phone call that you're not coming home, ever and take up residence with the Trampasaurus Wrecks in another state?
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Old 03-03-2012, 11:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 View Post
When and if the truth comes out, his written-in-stone answer to everyone who asks him "why?" will be that you were crazy, jealous and paranoid, constantly accusing him of having affairs, and after, and ONLY AFTER, he finally decided to leave you in order to save his own sanity because he couldn't take the psychotic accusations from you anymore, (and after everyone starts to wonder if YOU were the one who destroyed the marriage after all), he'll say that THAT is when the OW took pity on him and came to his emotional rescue.
Wow... if my H is having an A I could see him doing exactly what you have here... even though I don't think I accused him often just when I felt disconnected but that sounds dead on what he would do. Since he has shut me out of his life these last few months I go back and forth thinking there is ... there isn't... wow F102 thanks for that post
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Old 03-03-2012, 11:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

Hi nj sorry you are I was in a similar situation with my first wife she cheated and I left
And divorcecd her this was like 16 yrs ago or so eventually we talked as we had a young daughter who I had custody of she said all the things that waywards say and why didn't. I give her a second chance etc
I did what I felt I needed to do to recover for myself and be a good dad for my daughter
A couple yrs later I met my current wife and I have never been happier we have been married for 12 yrs now
And share similar feelings on this subject I think he will react and reality will set in as it always does
The fantasy will wear off and he will say stuff like it was a big mistake etc etc you see it all the time on here
As I always say the grass is not greenier

Just my thoughts
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Old 03-03-2012, 11:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to expect from a cheating spouse during divorce?

nj2012,
I've been studying this whole affair thing for a while and maybe I can shed some light. It's very likely he will defend himself and place as much blame on you as possible at first. This is just a defence mechanism and not true of his normal character.

Most likely after you drop the bomb he will take steps to progress even faster with the OW since he feels he doesn't have to sneak around anymore. This works out perfectly because he will spend more and more time with her and the thrill will fizzle out faster when he's getting or attempting to get all of his needs met by her. Once that affair fog lifts he will be forced to see life isn't all that better and miss having a wife filled with unconditional love.

Now there is a chance once all the paper work is signed that he will cool off and try to "work on the marriage" but this could be an effort to rope you back in as a second option should things not work out with the OW. You'll do better if you keep him at a distance because he will only work to keep you as little as possible. He knows you are his wife and the other woman requires more effort to keep her from leaving. Try to ignore him as much as possible throughout this time, he will respect you for doing so since he knows he doesn't deserve your affection at this time.

That's about all I can advise for the moment. Though you should know he has a better chance of being stung to death by bees, wasps, or spiders than they have of having a long term relationship together, about 3 in 4100 or so. And this will end with him feeling guilty later on being an adulterous father.
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