STARTINGOVER@40

I wish my STBXH loved is fat ugly wife... Instead of the poision dwarf hairy faced bint he's with now!!!

DownUnder

Daisy, i have been following your journey and i just wanted to chime in to say that i admire your strength and you truly are an amazing woman.

Stay strong and have faith in yourself, you will get thru this victoriously in the end (((HUGS)))

daisygirl 41

Thankyou Downunder. I appreciate your kind words. Sometimes I still feel like this is all a bad dream that I am going to wake up from. I've had 10 months of turmoil I just hope things are going to start getting better now. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he is with the OW but it's time to move on now. I'm sick of the drama. I just want some peace in my life now.
Hugs
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Catherine602

One thing I thought of Daisy.

By spending time with you and the OW, he is getting all of his needs met. He has two women glad to give to him while he gets to live a life free of responsibility. That's good for him but lousy for you.

When you are ready, you need to put a stop to any contact with him. Being available will not bring him back. Start the divorce proceedings. Waiting for him will also hurt because he will do it when he is ready.

He has to know fully what life will be like without you. The finances visitation with the kids and the fact that you will be with another man.

In fact, it will keep you in limbo until he is ready to give you up totally. When he leaves, you will feel pain and used.

The humiliation of being used by a man who is so deep in a fog will hurt worse than it does now.

If there is any chance that he will realize that this OW will not be able to meet his needs, he needs to be with her full time. Let her make him tea and provide him with entertainment.

I doubt she will give him anything. She needs him to do for her but she may not have much to give back. He will never see that with you in the picture.

I think your husband is insecure. He may feel life he failed you? This woman makes him feel needed. She is less threatening to him. Her looks and neediness is an indication.

Change the way you are with men for yourself. Men need to feel needed, they need to feel that they are your hero. They need to feel respected by the one they love.

Try to become that woman. Don't do it for him but for you in your next relationship. You recognize your mistakes and thats good. Now you are ready to work on change.

Let him get all of his needs met by the other OW. Have him see the kids at his apt. They will adjust to that.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

daisygirl 41

Catherine, Thankyou, I know you are right. I am ready to stop contact now. I really felt like I had turned a corner this week but spending time with him yesterday really knocked me back. It's just a reminder of what was. It's got to stop now. He's made his choice to be with her now he has to leave me be. I am finally relieved that I have come to this decision because I know that cutting myself off from him is the only way I am going to start moving on.
What a stupid man. I would have loved him forever.
Thankyou for your support
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Catherine602

I am sad and at the same time happy. Happy because from the tenor of your writing, I can tell that you are a special lady. You love deeply and well. Indeed he is foolish.

This pure speculation but I will tell you nonetheless.

When you understand the bondage that you now feel will fall away and you will be able to move on with your life. I am sure that you will not stop loving him but not the kind of love that makes one want to stay in a relationship.

I think your husband may not have ever felt he deserved a woman like you. He may have felt inadequate, given your attributes. It is not so much that he does not love you as it is that he does not like himself when he is with you

He is drawn to the OW because he may think that her neediness will hide his sense of inadequacy. He spends time with her kids because they cannot tell yet that he is inadequate. This all makes him feel good.

In time, he will not be equal to OW expectations either. She will not be able to give him the love and support he was accustomed to getting form you. She is too needy to give him much.

Unfortunately, your STBX may have been too lazy to deal with his feelings and took the easy way out. He does not love this OW, he likes the way he feels with her.

The OW is needy and has latched onto a man who was willing to rescue her. He seems like her hero now. But in time he will disappoint her expectations.

The reason I suggested that you go NC is because with you out of the picture, he cannot hide out at you home. He gathers strength from you so that he can keep up the facade of hero.

The limbo you are in now can last for years. He does not want a divorce because he needs your to sure up his self confidence so that he can be a hero for this OW.

That is why it is essential that you get out of the picture. He must stand on his own and look at his inadequacies. If you keep seeing him, you will last in this limbo for years.

You will make it possible for him to continue to be her rescuer while leaning on you for support.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Mamatomany

Catherine you may have something.
What do you think, Daisy?
I think NC may also make the limbo last shorter (one way or the other).

Hope you are having a nice day w/ the kiddos.

__________________
midlifecrisis-for-dummies

daisygirl 41

I think Catherine is absolutely spot on. She has described my H and our relationship perfectly!
Thankyou Cathetine for your insight!
I asked him a couple of weeks Ago what does he feel when he sees me now and he said guilt, shame and sadness! I don't make him feel good anymore and that's the bottom line.

M2M Had a lovely afternoon Thankyou. H is popping down later to see my daughter. I'm going to go out : - )
Xx
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2nd_t!me iz_best

catherine ALWAYS has very good advice.

thats good, he should NOT be feeling good.

good for you, and say very little to him.
dont let him feel like you are wanting anything from him more than him to see his daughter.

Catherine602

Again this is wild speculation so don't take it at face value. It you have evidence that it may be true or if you want to reinterpret some of your previous assumptions - it may help.

No no Daisy, you still don't have it right I think. You said "I don't make him feel good anymore and that's the bottom line."

It is not that YOU don't make him feel good, it is HE who cannot feel good about himself. This predated the affair.

That was probably where he started at the beginning of your relationship? He was never able to overcome his insecurities during the relationship.

He is sad but not because he had the affair, it goes much deeper, he is sad because he failed to work hard enough to be the man he was capable of being.

You could not have made him happy or feel good. That's because you have no control over how he feels about himself.

Your warmth and love probably makes him feel unworthy, that's why HE does not feel good with you.

You were not replaced by this OW. She cannot hold a candle to you. That's the point, the OW is like a bandaid for his feelings of failure as a man, a husband and father.

She makes him feel good because she has not yet discover his inadequacies. When she does and starts to lean on him for change, then the fantasy will lift. He will be left with himself again.

I am going to predict that he will regret his actions within two years and he will long to have you in his life again. But he will have paid for his folly, selfishness and lack of compassion by longing from afar.

Daisy I hope you will not derail your life and take him back if he is the same as he is now. He will be the same man and he will feel the same way with you and he is likely to cheat again because of it.

Maybe one day he will face his demons but I don't think you can help him. If you mother him, you will keep yourself in bondage to him. He will continue to live like a teenager with a mom and a gf with little responsibilities.

Don't feel envious when he spends time with her. It is empty time, with no substance and he probably knows it. He knows he cannot not live up to the expectation of even a needy woman.

Don't judge the relationship by outside appearances. The cracks are well hidden at this point. They probably realize their folly but cannot admit it. Think about it.

You are sympathetic but don't act on your sympathy for your husband. You will stunt whatever chance he has for growth.

Let him battle this one out on his own if you love him. It is hard but, I think you need to see leaving him as an act of love.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Mamatomany

Taking notes here... our situation is so similar.

__________________
midlifecrisis-for-dummies

daisygirl 41

Hello all,
My life is in a spin once more.
H came to visit the children on Sunday and we had tea together. He was very quiet and withdrawn all night. As he was leaving he hugged me and burst into tears. He was sobbing. Then left.
While I was in work yesterday txt me to say he was breaking it off with the OW, he said he didn't know how to do it but knows he has too.
I am in work. He has left me a letter to read when I get hone in 3 hours. This is the first time he will have opened up to me in nearly a year.
I'm scared. I had started planning my future without him and now this. This is what I have been praying for. I love him deeply, but I am so scared of being hurt again and the thought of all the hard work that R would require scares me to death!
Help xx
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Catherine602

Do what you feel in your heart.

Just know that he will find it very difficult to give her up. Sometimes the WS goes back and forth between OW and BS when he feels one or the other pulling away. She is unlikely to let him go wither a fight.

He may also come back to you and continue seeing her. He will find it very hard to give her up if he sees her at school. He wil hide it well this time.

If he is able to break contact he may mourn the loss for some time. You may have to watch him morning another woman while living with you.

Read up on the pattern of cheaters who form an emotional attachment to the OM/OW so that you know what you may be getting yourself into. Read the post by BS here on the site.

You may spend years with this affair and more lies and deceit. What ever you do, don't give easy forgiveness. It is only a possibility but be prepared.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

daisygirl 41

I was hoping for a response from you Catherine.
I just don't know if I am strong enough to go through all thus again. I love my H deeply but I am so afraid.
I'll let you know what the letters says.
I M not going to make any quick decisions on this.
The road to R is long and I just don't know if I am ready for that journey yet.
I have already decided that if I was to consider R then he gas to go for IC, MC and leave his job. These terms are non negotiablre!
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unsure78

DG,

please be careful- my stbxh ended it with the OW too for several months only to get back with her ( and i caught some contact several times in between)- I know some people really do R but please be careful- you may want to consider putting in a VAR in the car, or GPS in the car, or a keylogger on the computer for your sanity to assure yourself of NC. - Read the CWI threads here, in particular look up -Almost Recovered he gave me some good guidance during this time