Ivan, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful.
...the uncertainty of her taking a first step towards recovery
Calling it an "uncertainty" is a great understatement. Although excellent treatment programs are available, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to seek therapy and stay with it. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a greater chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. "Long enough" usually means several years of weekly therapy.
If your W is unwilling to seek therapy on her own volition, you are taking a great risk to insist on her doing it as a condition of your remaining in the marriage. That's what I did, to my great regret. My exW agreed to the condition. The result is that I spent over $200,000 taking her to weekly visits with six different psychologists for 15 years -- all to no avail. If a BPDer doesn't want to work on her issues -- and very few do -- she will simply play mind games with the therapists.
What typically happens, if you make the mistake of following my path and staying with her, is that a BPDer will walk out on YOU after 12 to 15 years. As each year goes by, a BPDer grows increasingly resentful that you are failing to make her happy or fix her. She also will become more fearful of abandonment as she watches her body age. The likely result, then, is that you will end up searching for a new wife when you are in your 40's or 50's. IMO, it is better to do that now.
I feel like I am not the one who will help her.
Again, that is a gross understatement. You not only are "not helping her" but likely are HARMING her by staying. I say this because the only way a BPDer will tolerate your staying is for you to continue walking on eggshells, i.e., being the doormat you've been for the past two years. This enabling behavior harms her because, by sheltering her from the logical consequences of her childish behavior, you are destroying her only opportunity to confront her issues and learn how to manage them.
If your W is a BPDer, she has the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, like any young child, she will not grow up if there is an adult around who will protect her from her own bad decisions. Once you stop being her "soothing object," for example, she will have a powerful incentive to learn how to do self soothing -- a skill the rest of us learned in childhood.
I went to jail two times due to her violent outbursts that were twisted around to make it seem that i had been at fault.
Welcome to the crowd. I would not be surprised if at least a third of the men arrested for wife-beating are the victims of vindictive BPDers. At the end of my 15 years with my exW, she was in a terrible rage and chased me room to room -- at which point I retreated behind an unlocked bedroom door. When she started to destroy that door, I reflexively reached out and shoved her away from the door -- whereupon she tripped and fell to the floor.
She called the police and had me thrown into jail. Because it occurred early on a Saturday morning, I was in jail 3 days before I could go before a judge and be arraigned. That was plenty of time for my exW to obtain a restraining order barring me from my own home for the 18 months it takes to process a divorce in this State.
Am i being a jerk?
No, your decision to divorce her is evidence that you've stopped being a doormat and have started building your personal boundaries to a healthy level. I have several suggestions for anyone divorcing a BPDer.
The first is to read Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.
It was released only 8 months ago by the same author who wrote the #1 best selling BPD book, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
My second suggestion is that, in addition to participating here on the TAM forum, you start participating (or at least lurking) at the "Leaving" message board at BPDfamily.com. It is the most active BPD forum I've found and is growing at the rate of 20 new members a day. It is targeted solely to the partners and family members of BPDers, not to the BPDers themselves. Consequently, the hundreds of folks in that message board are facing the same problems as you and can give you many useful tips.
Third, I suggest you take advantage of the excellent resources in the "Articles" section there. My favorite is Article 9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York
. Finally, if you have not had time to follow the link I provided above, I suggest you read my post in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!
. Take care, Ivan.