Is my husband having mid-life crisis?

shutterbug · 10-30-2007, 10:09 AM

My husband and I have been married now for 15 years. We have 3 children; ages 3, 10, 13. We have been very blessed and I honestly thought we would be together forever because we are so good together. We share so many common interests.
Well he told me he wanted a divorce a month ago and said that he had not been happy in the past couple of years but was afraid to tell me or to hurt my feelings. I immediately thought it was my fault and maybe i havent been doing my part in the bedroom. he said that i did not make him feel loved because i would tell him to hurry up or the kids are coming or something when we were in the bedroom.
I realize now that stress and jobs and kids were all piling up on us both and we were constantly trying to do for everybody, but ourselves. He left and went to his moms but the kids are alternating each day to stay with him. He and I have actually been "together" on two occasions now and it has really been fun and exciting. I just knew we were on the right track.
So when I asked him were we making steps to get back together, or going in the right direction? he just says, I dont know. then he made the comment that he has worked so many years and still has nothing....
Well I tell you this man has everything. It might not all be paid off but he has alot. Money is another problem. We both spend it and we do not like to budget. I have been the one to pay bills. He has no idea about the finances but has decided that he will do his own now and if I need anything, I just need to ask. he is only 39 and he had a heart attack this past Feb 28. He has been fine health wise. The only difference I have noticed is that he is not the "my way or the highway" kind of guy anymore. He doesnt raise his voice or get mad about much. Even my friends have noticed that he seems to be "loosing up".
Not sure what all this means other than we are separated and I am wondering how long this will last? However, I have had lots of time to think for myself and my mind is alot clearer than before. I am starting to pay attention to myself more.
Hope this hasn't bored yall to death. Just needed to know your thoughts.

tater03 · 10-30-2007, 01:04 PM

I'm sorry but I sure hope that he didn't leave because of the sex. I have two young kids and it can get hard to make the time to have sex. Doesn't mean you cannot have it just that it has to be done creatively. I am not to sure what to say about the way he is asking. You said he had a heart attack. Do you think that could have something to do with it? Meaning he feels like he came close to dying and now thinks that he needs something else in his life. Not to say that I feel he does but having a heart attack that young could make someone look at life somewhat differently.

evenow · 10-30-2007, 08:04 PM

I agree with tater. It may not be a mid-life crisis, and he might just be looking at his life after the heart attack in a different way.

Sex doesn't necessarily mean that he is interested in reconciliation. It sounds like he has a few issues to get through and he still may be heading towards divorce. Do not take his criticisms too seriously. If he wants a divorce, then he might just be trying to convince himself as much as you. If it was something you could fix, he probably wouldn't be so quick to separate.

It's good that you're spending more time on yourself and focusing on other things because you can't change somebody's mind. All you can do is be there for him if he needs to talk.

And I personally would not continue to sleep with him if until he figured out what he wanted to do. Right now it kinda seems like he's using you while he figures out his life.

draconis · 10-31-2007, 01:09 AM

Well as much as anyone hates to admit it sex is an important part of a relationship but it sounds like that isn't the bigger issue here. Your usband feels that despite all his effort that the two of you haven't gotten anywheres in your relationship meaning he wasted his time and investment of time.

The my way or the highway attitude may have been him being so stressed that he couldn't deal with all the responcibilities piled on him.

Thirty nine is young to have a heart attack. Were there other factors smoking, drinking etc?

draconis

shutterbug · 10-31-2007, 07:47 AM

The doctor said most of my husbands problem was genetic. He has a family history of diabetes and heart trouble. Since his heart attack, he was diagnosed with diabetes too and has to shoot himself twice a day with insulin. Plus all the medications for his heart. He is a very active man and he dips, but rarely smokes.
I am almost convinced now after talking to some people and hearing online comments, that my husband is merely trying to find the guy that he once was; the guy I fell in love with. His steady changes over the past year have me realizing that he didn't know what to do but just go mellow...... He went from having control and taking control to not having control or not taking the initiative about stuff. My friends thought he was "loosing up" and getting more relaxed with stuff. But all along, he was suffering. I wish I could have seen this. I doubt I could have done anything then because I too was suffering from the same control issue. These past few weeks have let me see that I do too was suffering from all the stress and problems at my work, with the kids and their sports, with the money and not having as much to pay the bills like we did before he had a heart attack. So many things piled up; its hard to see outside of it. Until something like this happens and it wakes you up....... and makes you see it.
Hopefully there is still a chance to let time heal and repair. That is what we are going to try and maybe, hopefully, we will find each other again.
As for the sex, I am probably using him as much as he is using me..........hahaha. But I do see your point EVENOW, and I probably do need to stop the sex before our feelings are hurt. I just needed to know and to make sure he knew that sex wasn't our problem.. and I think we are sure of that now. It doesn't fix everything but it sure helps.

kajira · 10-31-2007, 08:25 AM

It sounds like your husband was trying to re-evalute his life. Something that all of us need to do from time to time. While his methods may not have been the greatest, I hope he finds himself and is able to realize what a good thing he has with you.

draconis · 10-31-2007, 10:54 AM

I podted somewhere else on here last night that the wife and I fix everything up every few months to keep from going into a rut in cruise control. It is always a good thing.

shutterbug ~ I hope that you stick around and let us know how things are going. I also hope that you feel welcome to join our community and feel free to offer advice to others as well.

draconis