My H has been gone 7 weeks now after walking out on me and the kids. In that time, the only communication has been negative...my calling and crying/asking why? how could he? to come home...lets fix this. And he responding with negatives....increasingly mean and cruel until I recently found out he has someone he is having an affair with...though I do not know if its online or real life....and to what extent. We have had no contact at all since 2/28 when I found out minus one email by me to tell him that I separated the car ins policies.
My question is, how should I be handling things? Do I just continue to not call/contact him knowing he probably never will himself. Do I try to make contact and show a different side...no more anger or tears. I was thinking I should call and be as nice as I could...calm and just state things matter of factly....that as much as I would like us to work on our marriage, that if he is not able to do that then we should move forward with filing a legal separation as I need to protect the rights of the children etc....
Help....I dont know what to do...Its so hard to just have no contact but I know logically that it means nothing if I'm the only one reaching out and hes continually pushing me away.
My question is, how should I be handling things? Do I just continue to not call/contact him knowing he probably never will himself. Do I try to make contact and show a different side...no more anger or tears. I was thinking I should call and be as nice as I could...calm and just state things matter of factly....that as much as I would like us to work on our marriage, that if he is not able to do that then we should move forward with filing a legal separation as I need to protect the rights of the children etc....
Help....I dont know what to do...Its so hard to just have no contact but I know logically that it means nothing if I'm the only one reaching out and hes continually pushing me away.
I wouldn't contact him. I know that you think it feels like a like time since 2/28 but it hasn't been a month of no contact. I don't know how your state does separation by my state doesn't recognize it. Have you seen an attorney? Don't reach out to him. He knows where you are and how to contact you. Let him wonder...
I guess I don't have the confidence in myself or his feelings for me past or now to think he's even thinking about me! Argh...makes me so angry at myself....I am a strong person...I've gone through the death of my first child and having to bury her, the ending of my 14 yr marriage to infidelity while losing my mother to leukemia a month later....I've battled anxiety and agoraphobia and gone from someone who could barely leave the house to going back to school, working, driving, shopping..traveling...went back to school in my 40's and am graduating with a degree and hopefully the skills to get a job...I'm a strong person! But yet I let this jerk make me feel so insecure and weak at times. And why should I even want him back....he's the worst at times...everything I said I would never put up with. Bah....hate thinking about him every day....wanting his voice...one kind word...one moment of 'normalcy'. I guess this is my new norm. I won't call....I want to call....but I won't call. Knowing him I may never hear from him again until one of us files...thats his M.O. run and deny....Melissa? Melissa who?
thank you sadwithouthim....oh my gosh I feel so silly but I'm sitting here tearing up because someone who doesnt even know me is my kind than a man I spent 9 years with and had a family with...day in day out...9 years...and he can't be bothered to do anything but hurt me and the boys...ugh....
Thank you for being so sweet...it means a lot more than I could ever say
Melissa: It appears all too clear that like me, you've been duly abandoned. Difference is my STBXW packed us off to a different city to do it and just left us. Yours just up and left.
You are to be greatly commended for having made contact with him but I'm greatly reading that his intentions are totally dishonorable to you. And to that end, you need to get with legal counsel ASAP and get the ball rolling on divorcing him. There's someone else out there that will truly love you for who you are and holding a torch for someone who has a track record of continuing to kick you to the curb is not that person. Focus your energy on your sons, because they truly are your gift from God!
Get into IC if you can afford it, and if you're not in Church, make an effort to do so because there's some great caring people in there for you. Best of luck to you, my dear!
I guess I don't have the confidence in myself or his feelings for me past or now to think he's even thinking about me! Argh...makes me so angry at myself....I am a strong person...I've gone through the death of my first child and having to bury her, the ending of my 14 yr marriage to infidelity while losing my mother to leukemia a month later....I've battled anxiety and agoraphobia and gone from someone who could barely leave the house to going back to school, working, driving, shopping..traveling...went back to school in my 40's and am graduating with a degree and hopefully the skills to get a job...I'm a strong person! But yet I let this jerk make me feel so insecure and weak at times. And why should I even want him back....he's the worst at times...everything I said I would never put up with. Bah....hate thinking about him every day....wanting his voice...one kind word...one moment of 'normalcy'. I guess this is my new norm. I won't call....I want to call....but I won't call. Knowing him I may never hear from him again until one of us files...thats his M.O. run and deny....Melissa? Melissa who?
Hi Melissa, I know how you feel. You feel sad, lost, paralyzed, and in disbelief that this has happened. I went through it twice. It's horrible. You don't deserve to be cast aside and devalued. No one does. But I understand it's difficult to believe your worth after you've spent years wrapped around this man, trying to please and love him. Love means you care about a person's feelings first and foremost. My exH says he still loves me but he doesn't know that if you love someone, you would not want to hurt them...ever. Your husband absolutely does not deserve you. If he wants you in his life, he needs to prove it the way YOU need him to. It's up to him. Try to believe he does not deserve your time and emotion anymore unless he moves mountains for you.
There's someone else out there that will truly love you for who you are and holding a torch for someone who has a track record of continuing to kick you to the curb is not that person. Focus your energy on your sons, because they truly are your gift from God!
Thank you for that. You are so right in that I have given more than enough of my energy and feelings to someone who clearly doesnt have it in him to love that way back AND my boys are truly a gift from God and they are and always will be my priority.
Hi Melissa, I know how you feel. You feel sad, lost, paralyzed, and in disbelief that this has happened. I went through it twice. It's horrible. You don't deserve to be cast aside and devalued. No one does. But I understand it's difficult to believe your worth after you've spent years wrapped around this man, trying to please and love him. Love means you care about a person's feelings first and foremost. My exH says he still loves me but he doesn't know that if you love someone, you would not want to hurt them...ever. Your husband absolutely does not deserve you. If he wants you in his life, he needs to prove it the way YOU need him to. It's up to him. Try to believe he does not deserve your time and emotion anymore unless he moves mountains for you.
Thank you 52Flower. I needed that! I'm feeling much better since I posted and much more determined to keep moving forward...this time of night is always the hardest for me....dinner time....when we'd all be together.....but you know what? the important ones are together...me and my boys....screw him!
Thank you 52Flower. I needed that! I'm feeling much better since I posted and much more determined to keep moving forward...this time of night is always the hardest for me....dinner time....when we'd all be together.....but you know what? the important ones are together...me and my boys....screw him!
So you want to talk to your H but every time you do you cry or pressure him in some way until you both argue and he doesn't want to call anymore. He expects you to keep acting like this every time you call based on your last impression, so he doesn't pick up or respond to your texts anymore. Well you can change all that today....
For the most part this is one of those "do nothing" situations where he is best left alone to decide for himself, and you have more time than you realize to influence him. You can leave a positive lasting impresion tonight by agreeing with his feelings and NOT giving him anything to resist you with.
Since you are worried about never talking to him again I want you to call him tonight and apologize for anything you said that might have rubbed him the wrong way. Then tell him "I would like for us to save our marriage, but you are right it's not going to work out. You found someone who treats you well, and it's not like you went out looking for it, these things happen. I will file for seperation to give you the space you need".
This completely goes against the way you would normally talk to him and at the same time gives him nothing to hold against you. As soon as let him know you will not be adding any drama to his life the pressure on him will relax. And when you take yourself out of the competition with the OW he will find reasons to talk to you. This will not work if you waffle and come crying to him days later. You need to stay strong and show him you accept what's going on and you are fine with it. He needs to get the impression that you are absolutely fine with giving him up and won't chase him no matter what.
You see right now he is getting all these loving emotions from her and feeing angry with you. Everytime you argue he is going think of you with contempt and see her as the better choice. You can bet he feels some guilt but not when is angry or upset with you. The only thing you can do act like you had a change of heart and are ok with him leaving. Let him be with her and treat him kindly every time you talk. Little by little you will talk more as distant friends first until he slowly opens up his life to you (without you prying).
Within a few months your friendship will be closer and you'll find excuses to be together. She will grow controlling and needy and chase him away all on her own; or they will go through the same fights you went through and break-up. Even if he divorces you for her they are going to have lasting trust issues and hang-ups about affairs since she knows he can't be trusted not to wonder. And she will stop being so wonderful whenshe isn't chasing him anymmore, you can count on this. But you can start over again and create a friendship that has him chasing you. Remember he fell for you the first time and with the history you have he can do it again.
So you want to talk to your H but every time you do you cry or pressure him in some way until you both argue and he doesn't want to call anymore. He expects you to keep acting like this every time you call based on your last impression, so he doesn't pick up or respond to your texts anymore. Well you can change all that today....
For the most part this is one of those "do nothing" situations where he is best left alone to decide for himself, and you have more time than you realize to influence him. You can leave a positive lasting impresion tonight by agreeing with his feelings and NOT giving him anything to resist you with.
Since you are worried about never talking to him again I want you to call him tonight and apologize for anything you said that might have rubbed him the wrong way. Then tell him "I would like for us to save our marriage, but you are right it's not going to work out. You found someone who treats you well, and it's not like you went out looking for it, these things happen. I will file for seperation to give you the space you need".
This completely goes against the way you would normally talk to him and at the same time gives him nothing to hold against you. As soon as let him know you will not be adding any drama to his life the pressure on him will relax. And when you take yourself out of the competition with the OW he will find reasons to talk to you. This will not work if you waffle and come crying to him days later. You need to stay strong and show him you accept what's going on and you are fine with it. He needs to get the impression that you are absolutely fine with giving him up and won't chase him no matter what.
You see right now he is getting all these loving emotions from her and feeing angry with you. Everytime you argue he is going think of you with contempt and see her as the better choice. You can bet he feels some guilt but not when is angry or upset with you. The only thing you can do act like you had a change of heart and are ok with him leaving. Let him be with her and treat him kindly every time you talk. Little by little you will talk more as distant friends first until he slowly opens up his life to you (without you prying).
Within a few months your friendship will be closer and you'll find excuses to be together. She will grow controlling and needy and chase him away all on her own; or they will go through the same fights you went through and break-up. Even if he divorces you for her they are going to have lasting trust issues and hang-ups about affairs since she knows he can't be trusted not to wonder. And she will stop being so wonderful whenshe isn't chasing him anymmore, you can count on this. But you can start over again and create a friendship that has him chasing you. Remember he fell for you the first time and with the history you have he can do it again.
Melissa, as hard as it sounds, this is EXACTLY what you need to do right now. It is the heart and soul of the 180, and more often than not it works. And you know what? There is also the possibility that once you change your mind set to being willing to let him go, file for separation, and begin moving on in your life that when the day comes that he decides yes, he was stupid and wants to try again, you may not want him.
When my husband finally called after his last running away episode, he was all like, "Well, if I come back, you need to do this, this and this, and I'll try to do this and this." Like I told him, "At this point, since you walked out again, you are in no position to make demands. Right now, I need to decide if I want you here, and I need time to think about it." He didn't know how to react, because he thought I would start groveling and begging him to come home. I did the complete opposite of what he was expecting, and let him know in no uncertain terms that although he was in control of things when he walked out -- when he would answer the phone, what we could talk about, et cetera -- I was in control of whether he walked back in, not the other way around.
Doing what's above puts YOU more in control of things than you can realize until you start to do it, and it's empowering as well.
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Should I make contact? 
