Any TRUE turnarounds
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Any TRUE turnarounds

I am officially going to be D in 27 days. I have made it through the toughest year of my life and the weight that is lifting from my shoulders is almost gone! Except for this. Once I initiated the D, my H didn't see the reasons yet. Well, about 6 months into the process the light bulb went off in his head and he knew his actions had been the biggest contributor to our demise. (it's not ALL his fault, but when I would bring up our issues, he took it as me *****ing/nagging). So now, he wants to change his lifestyle and become a family man, good husband, partner, father, etc.....Well, I told him that his turnaround almost feels like an act. I really don't think it is an act though. he has a good heart, but for how long had he gone and not gave 2 s***'s about anyone but himself?? And now I'm supposed to just accept it and it all be ok? No. I can't get myself past that wall now. We get along fine for the most part (other than when he is super nosy and 20 questioning me).
Anyone else seen a complete turnaround in a spouse that was totally TRUE??!
Thanks everyone. I love this site!!
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

I am following through this time. While I love him and idealize him, he is what he is and there is a reason why I don't trust him anymore.
Every relationship is different.
In my experience, in the past, he would make a change that would last 2-3 months and then revert to his old ways. Changes didn't stick to him.
This does not mean that this is going to happen to you. I've read that there are people that do turn around. It's not unheard of.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

thanks yellow!! I know I'll jut have to let time tell me if it's true or not. All I can do is see what happens. I guess my gut will know if it's for real or not.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

If you can "get past the wall"; why not give it a chance with all your heart?!? If his change isn't real----then do what you have to do.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

My wife and I are nearly 5 years post D-Day. After careful thought and a lot of self reflection I committed to change and have never gone back on my word to her. She in turn ended her EA and found a way to turn her heart back to me. We are now in a very happy, committed and loving marriage of 25+ years. It is important to note, I did not commit to become some one else, I committed to change to be more like the man I used to be, the man she fell in love with. If you are asking your husband for wholesale changes in his base personalty he will likely fail. Before you set benchmarks for him be sure they meet a simple rule. Would the end result be something you could both live with and be happy?
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

Give the guy a chance no doubt about it.

I had a wake up call a couple months ago and had a complete wake up call about my behavior for years. The reason is that guys and girls just don't see/interpret things the same way. I'm sure you felt like your explanations were crystal clear for all those years on how you felt and why you guys were having problems but I guarantee he didn't interpret everything the way you were saying it.

If he's committed to change then have him start reading books, 5 Love Languages, His needs her needs etc and I promise the lite bulb will go on in his head. It may take a couple reads but by the end of it he will feel so stupid for how he treated you.

Give him a chance and you will know when the lite bulb goes off and when it does you guys will be happier than you ever were. As long as he is really committed to change and reflecting on past behavior it will be the best thing that ever happened to you guys.
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Amplexor-

How long did it take you to turn things around. Once you started to change how long before she turned her heart back to you?
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Old 03-15-2012, 05:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

Quote:
Originally Posted by coachman View Post
Amplexor-

How long did it take you to turn things around. Once you started to change how long before she turned her heart back to you?
3.5 Years.

Don't let it scare you, recovering marriages take a long time to fully come around and I'd say the first year was by far the most emotionally draining. Here's the full story. Note the dates.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...gh-enough.html
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

Yes it happens,it did with me and my wife,I thought I was being manly,boy was I wrong,took counseling,a lot of study on my part and soul searching,she happy with me now and so am I.Give it a chance
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow Amplexor, your story is very inspiring. Really makes me think about how to approach my situation. My wife had an EA/PA with OW but we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and are great parents to our young children.

Your story makes me want to stick it out in the house and have the patience to see what happens. I initially made all the mistakes you made trying to get her back and of course it didn't work.

Up until 10 minutes ago I thought I would for sure move and and file D. Now again, I'm second guessing and thinking that staying in the house and having patience may be the way to go. Thanks again.
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any TRUE turnarounds

Never give up,wife had a four month EA with old high school bf,even met up with him few time,not physical but I had anger issues,she had her own also,didnt think we'd make it,I had to kick her out (after she kicked me out) but we found eachother again,we both worked on ourselves,I really worked on myself,its weird,I'm not angry anymore and see what made me want to marry her in the first place.Both of us are pretty happy,still more work to do,some bumps here and there but the effort was more than worth it,give it a shot.Happiness is there,just have to really try
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Calvin - If I remember your story correctly...your wife saw the light only after you kicked her out and she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

I'm thinking this may be the case with my wife. I don't want it to have to come to that but it may be the only hope I have to save the marriage.

She is cake eating and has told me that even if her and the OW don't last that our marriage is over in her mind.
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Old 03-15-2012, 07:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It was over in my wifes mind also,she told me quite a few times she didnt love me anymore,yet she talked about me a lot to friends,even the OM,he didnt like that.Once she was put out of the house it gave her time to think and really compare me to OM,she saw he was a loser and only out for his own gain,he wanted fun,she thought it was love.Being away from me did show her the grass on the other side was brown and not taken care of,forgiveness was a big factor in this also,way out of character for her.I did make changes in my self as she did with herself as well.I'm glad....I'm not...but its working pretty well now,we are damn near inseperatable,her being away from me and the kids brought her back to reallity.Success stories DO happen.Little luck,lot of work.
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Old 03-15-2012, 07:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hate to say it Coach,kick her out.You have everything to gain.
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Old 03-15-2012, 08:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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That's the thing...I can't make her go. She knows how good she has it cake eating and that I can't kick her out. That means I would have to leave and see the kids half the time hoping she sees the light.
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