Jayb

You have no idea. Yet, my W insists on being close friends. In the years she detached from me, I was still around, interacting, loving her. Now, when it's forced upon me, who will get me through this? My W was my best friend. Next were my children.

nnoodle

My next question is how many chances do you give? How long do you hold to an empty marriage?

For me that has been the hardest thing to figure out. This absence/ lack of connection has been an ongoing issue for at least 13 yrs. I have articulated in verbally, in writing and in deed. I don't know how I could be any more clear. Really, I don't.

He has skipped out on the last three couseling sessions we had scheduled (based on his availiblity when he made the appointments) due to "work commitments".

My last session Monday, the couselor said he doesn't know how to proceed. He said he sees my commitment to work on the marriage. My needs are clearly defined and that I am reaching out.

What I have felt all along our couselor has now articulated and it kills me.

My husband is not nor never has been truly commited to being married or to me. He is not emotionally equipt or willing to engage because he cannot/won't let go of his childhood issues and mode of self protection.

Once again, that leaves the decision up to me. My husband won't talk with me, avoids counseling and is pulling inward in a way that is very sad.

Starting to think divorce is inevitable. Just a matter of when.

Jayb

Nnoodle:

I would understand the seriousness of the state of M, if you had done all those things to me. My reaction would be to devote myself to working with you at saving the M.

Your husband's reaction makes me think that he is not interested in staying married to you. He has other priorities.

That's the difference in our situations. I am willing to throw everything at it, devote any time and energy in improving myself and our M.

It is so frustrating when only 1 party is willing to salvage a marriage. Your conscience should be clear. Although, it hurts just the same.

Lon

nnoodle, I know we have differing views about reasons one partner, especially the W, may choose to end the relationship - I agree with you about holding onto empty marriages, it is doing nobody a favor... but when men come onto this site dumbfounded by their WAW, asking questions of "why? what did I not see?" etc it is indicative that they are good men who cared about their marriage and were never abusive (neglectful is debatable).

I am willing to admit that sometimes the marriage is just empty and so WAW is just being prudent. I will also concede that sometimes the marriage isn't really bad at all and one spouse just walks away (gives up?). But in situations where the left behind H's have been blindsided and have accepted a lot of blame for the state of the marriage, I will always put money on the fact that most of these WAW's are having an affair and the H's are just either in too much denial or too much the way they are (doormats who blame themselves for all the issues) to get to the real core of the matter.

Jayb

My wife tested the water with inappropriate texting/emailing to convince herself she was over me.

That's it. No further contact, no OM, no dating in 10 months we have been separated.

In our M, there were a variety of issues (including my doormat tendencies) that came together in a perfect storm.

My W is so afraid of reconciliation. Because of all the what ifs involved. Because of the fear of me holding what she did over her head. And instead seeking IC, or MC, she walked away. Knowing she can rely on my love and care for our children.

And, instead of processing this and talking to her, I drank to numb myself. Then, I filed for D.

Now, several months later, I am sober and processing it. I am the one questioning proceeding with the D before attempting everything at saving it.

Talk about doing someone's dirty work.....

ArmyofJuan

If there is a snowball’s chance in hell for an R, it will be after you pull yourself out of the picture.

Agree with everything, let her know that a D is the right choice and you understand her decision and she is correct, you were a bad husband and she is better off without you and you will do just fine without her. Do not fight her or try to talk her out of this.

The more you resist her, the more she will push to get away. You biggest enemy is pressure and even talking to her puts pressure on her (guilt for doing this to you). Give her all the space she needs.

I find that you basically have to use reverse psychology in these situations.

She hasn’t had to experience what life will be like without you and how she will feel when the reality of you moving on (dating) hits her. If she is going to change her mind down the road it will be from missing you and dealing with actually losing you to someone else. If that doesn’t work then nothing would.
The reality is there is no magic bullet, there’s nothing you can say or do that silence can’t do better. You don’t know what you got until it’s gone they say, see if that applies to her.

Just my 2 cents.

rumple9

Anyone who has read my other threads will have seen the depths of despair I was in 4 months ago following the shock discovery of my 21 years partner who I dearly love having an affair and wanted to end our relationship.

I really was suicidal but with the help of my doctor and anti depressant medication and counselling on my own (she refused to go with me) I am now on my way back up. I am now seeing this as a new opportunity to move on with my life and that my next relationship (if I have one) will be excellent as I will have learned from my past mistakes.


Lots of people have been round to see the house which is up for sale so I'm hoping it will sell quickly and I can get out of this limbo hell misery.

Since counselling I've been thinking of taking up some old long forgotten hobbies - Karate and rugby as I realise my major failing is that I don't go out and socialise enough and had solitary past times which led to the breakdown in commumincation and ultimately our relationship.

Thing is I now know where I've gone wrong and it won't happen again.

I have no way of reconciling with OH but I've now discovered so much and she's treated me so badly 4 months down the line now I don't really care.

So to OP and other guys in the same boat, forget her, she's not worth it. You might think you really love her, might think she has the best body, best looks, that you can't love anyone else (this is how I felt), but you're putting her on a pedestal right now and idealising and idolsiing her. She's not worth it he's a scumbag or she wouldn't hurt you this much. You just have to accept it and move on.

It might take some time but you will meet someone you love eventually - It might happen tomorrow, it might take years but it won't happen if you don't go out and socialie/talk to people. This is what I learned from reading numerous websites, talking to friends, colleagues and counselling. Everyone says the same thing.

No matter how much it goes round in your head just forget her she doesn't want you. It's harsh but life sucks sometimes. You can't win her back, you can't force someone to love you no matter how hard you try.

desperateguy

I'm another one more or less in the same position. Details are different, but the big picture is the same. It was out 18 year anniversary 2 days ago, went completely unacknowledged. We have 2 kids. There was no other man at the time of separation, I'm certain of that. There may well be now.

Yes, I neglected her emotionally (she did to me as well - she knows that but is probably denying it right now, 3 months since separation).

What I find hardest is that she won't even consider a second chance.

She refuses to use the word divorce, but she is making it pretty clear that's her plan, absolutely no doubt that's the direction she's heading (12 months before you can file for divorce here).

I was pursuing her originally, but now thanks mostly to this forum, have withdrawn. More or less adapting the 180 to how it makes sense for my situation.

I honestly have no idea what my chances are. Part of me says that in a few months she'll get over her extreme emotional state and be a bit more rational state.

But then every week that goes past, she gets more committed toward divorce, more established in her new lifestyle, more commitments she has made to her friends ("I really don't want him"), etc.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

tgkid88

desperateguy I hear you my situation is about the same

tgkid88

I met my current wife after just having a child with another woman. I was a 25 year old kid who had just gotten out of prison for some burglaries(7yrs) i committed in high school and was out looking to make up for lost time. In the beginning of our relationship I was still sleeping with my ex and I had a few one night stands. A few months into our relationship she was pregnant with my son and we moved in together. My infidelity was unnoticed and continued throughout the next three years until I actually dated another woman and my "wife" became pregnant again with my daughter. My other relationship was then in the picture and there was a horrible discussion about break up and my "wife" forgave me. The was still some contact here and there between myself and the other woman(nothing psychical), which my "wife" always found out about. We put it aside and decided to get married. That was two and a half years ago and now my wife tells me she cannot get over that other relationship and wants a divorce and I don't. This all just came up a week ago and i am struggling. Any advice out there?
I never gave my wife and I and our relationship 100% and I am at the point where I want to do that but she doesn't. She doesn't want MC or to try anything. Are there any options that will help me save this relationship for both her, myself and our children?

Justadude

I'm in the same boat. Two months ago my wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce. Since then I found out she was having an affair (because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs...and I am guilty of that,) but now the affair is over, and I've forgiven her, and she won't come back. We are still married, and it's only been a week since her lover broke it up with her (she was heartbroken, and sobbing like a child,) and I then thought there was a decent chance to fix this relationship. But she is still proceeding with all the divorce stuff....she continues to look at apartments, and and selling the house.

I told her lets take our time, and not make permenant choices, and she says she is just setting things up if we do divorce. But I want to fight to keep this, and I've been going a lot of making up...and maybe pushing her away by accident. I've been telling her I love her many 10 times a day, from someone who never used to say it. I'm lost, and confused, ready to fight for her...I just have no clear sense of how to do this. One thing I'm getting the impression of, is that I need to be a MAN, and not to beg her not to leave me...I think I've been showing too much weakness, and really that's unattractive to women. She has seen my ability to change, but I think I've over done it, and it's creeping her out. What I need is more time, and more respect from her...I know I can change, but I need to be given the opportunity.

Any thoughts, I'm really a basket case...can't sleep, can't work...I'm a wreck.