My Rant For The Day
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 03-18-2012, 11:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Rant For The Day

Everytime I mention to my married friends how I'm worried about being alone now in the future because of the impending divorce, their response is always "You won't be alone, you have your kids."

I know they are trying to be helpful, BUT IT"S NOT THE SAME THING!!!! I want to tell them, if I took your spouse away, would you feel completely happy because "at least you have your kids?"
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

They are trying to say something positive to support you. When you constantly focus on the negative, you are not able to see how you may be able to create a new life for yourself and your children.

It does take time, though, and you must go through the grieving process.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I realize that they are trying to be positive, and I have to get to that positive state. Also, they may not know what to say either (that's what my mom says). But when you've had that partner, wife, friend, lover for eleven years, and then you have to quit cold turkey, it's still not the same.
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Old 03-18-2012, 11:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

Yea, I hate that statement too.

Of course I have my kids but my kids aren't my support or my rock. I don't burden my children with my feelings, etc. Duh. Can't be intimate or close like that with my kids.

Idiots. I totally feel ya.
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Old 03-18-2012, 12:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

I've got a STBWH and no kids to talk to. The only living thing I have is a cat.

I know how you feel about not having someone there. I see it everywhere, everyday. I got so used to one person, and then he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

My rock is gone, and so is the future of "growing old together."

People keep telling me how wonderful single life is. Thing is... that is not what I want. I want someone to be there with me. I want someone to spend the evenings with, someone to do the mundane things with.

I can relate...
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

Yeah, I agree with your mom, they must not know what to say to you. It can be hard to try to help a friend when you have no idea what to say. They will not be able to relate until they find the selves in the same sistuation as you (which hopefully never happens).

Sometimes the mom in me just wants to reach through the computer and hug you. Keep pushing on
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

Kuriosity,
I'm just sick of all the mental questions I have. Yes I know it is her character flaw, but tell me how am I not supposed to feel rejected, feel like "if I only were this, if only I did this." That's what is so frustrating about the whole thing.

When she was going through her thought process, she did not have to wonder how I felt about her, I made it obvious to her. I just want this whole thing to be done with, I'm sick of the negative energy that gets expended at this.

Yeah I miss the companionship on a daily basis, I miss having someone wonder or care if I will be home from work on time, but that's gone. That's what I have to keep telling myself. SHE DOESN"T CARE ABOUT ME! SHE DOESN"T LOVE ME! ANY EMOTIONS SHE SHOWS IS HER OWN GUILT
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

Proud... came across this and thought of you:

Dr. Phil - Life After Divorce


Sound advice.
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Rant For The Day

Proudwidaddy,

I understand your comment about rejection. I was feeling particularly down last night. I was volunteering at a bartender at a St. Patrick's Day event. I couldn't help but notice all the couples. Some of them had their kids with them. When I looked around at these "perfect families", I couldn't help but ask myself "What is wrong with me? Why can't I have that? What is so wrong with me that my husband left me and my infant son? What do these women have that I don't have?? What is so wrong with ME?".

But, then, I snapped back to my senses---in reality, this is not about us. WE are not the ones that are screwed up. Our exes are screwed up. We were willing to recognize our faults and improve for our loves. We know what it means to love--to forgive--to love with all of our heart and soul. Our exes don't. They are so selfish--so self-serving. If they continue on this path, they will NEVER know what it is like to truly love with all our your being. However, we actually have a shot at true and lasting love again. We know how to love. ...and one day, we will know what it is like to be properly loved by someone else. Our future is sooooo much brighter than our exes. We just have to build our strength and make it through this rough patch.

...as a side not, after my little mental "pity party", I ended up having a really good time. I won an award for getting the most tips--so that made me feel good about myself! Do something that makes you feel good! It will do wonders for your attitude.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I went over to a couples house tonight with my kids, we had a cookout, played bean bag toss, it was a great time. I actually felt normal for the first time in awhile. Mynkids were laughing and having fun.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Proud, I am with you. I know what you mean all too well. I am sitting here all too bored trying to figure out what to do. I am glad you and your kids had a good time.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy View Post
Everytime I mention to my married friends how I'm worried about being alone now in the future because of the impending divorce, their response is always "You won't be alone, you have your kids."

I know they are trying to be helpful, BUT IT"S NOT THE SAME THING!!!! I want to tell them, if I took your spouse away, would you feel completely happy because "at least you have your kids?"
That is definitely not the same. One flaw in that logic is you don't have the kids 100%. Either way, still not the same. That might make mysituation a little easier, but it would be unfair.
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm at such a raw stage right now when I just leer at all of the couples and wonder how the heck I could be in this situation.

How come all of them are still together? How do they stay together? How many chances have they given one another? what makes them stay together? How come my wife won't give us another shot (even for the children)?

Then, I look at my wedding ring and have such a desire to wear it out of devotion, love, faith, hope, etc.

Am I responsible for how our marriage got to here? Yep. Am I willing to devote my entire self to improve? Yep.

So, yeah, don't talk to me about how bright my future is...
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:54 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayb View Post
I'm at such a raw stage right now when I just leer at all of the couples and wonder how the heck I could be in this situation.

How come all of them are still together? How do they stay together? How many chances have they given one another? what makes them stay together? How come my wife won't give us another shot (even for the children)?

Then, I look at my wedding ring and have such a desire to wear it out of devotion, love, faith, hope, etc.

Am I responsible for how our marriage got to here? Yep. Am I willing to devote my entire self to improve? Yep.

So, yeah, don't talk to me about how bright my future is...
I do know the feeling. I was in a coffee shop yesterday and the woman in front of me had a wedding ring... I was a bit envious. It's not easy being separated and single again at 45. But what can you do. Have to move forward.

My friends are also telling me it will get better, that I'll meet someone else... I know they're trying to cheer me up, but it's still difficult at times. I don't see the point in reconciliation, but the sadness, loss and loneliness is still there. In any case, onward...
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by canguy66 View Post
I do know the feeling. I was in a coffee shop yesterday and the woman in front of me had a wedding ring... I was a bit envious. It's not easy being separated and single again at 45. But what can you do. Have to move forward.

My friends are also telling me it will get better, that I'll meet someone else... I know they're trying to cheer me up, but it's still difficult at times. I don't see the point in reconciliation, but the sadness, loss and loneliness is still there. In any case, onward...
I am making myself new again, for ME. But, I'm no where near the acceptance stage.
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