Thanks all for your honesty - and views. I'm new. May God bless you. I hope my initial thread is read by all, please help...I will try to support you all in any way.
My name is Mark, I’m from Melbourne Australia. I am saying Gday to you…a slang approach of saying Hello. I had a wife. I have been married for 7 years on September 4, 2004. We have two beautiful children – boy and girl, perfect family…perfect life.
On January 10th 2012, I found out she had/ and still has been cheating on me.
The guy she cheated with, he is an older and wealthier man than I am. I hate him. Seriously do. He is a father of two at the school my daughter is currently enrolled in. He is also going through his own separation/divorce proceedings. I had shaken this guy’s hand during last year 2011. I believe he made a move on my wife, and my wife condoned the move, and took part in an EA. I am unsure what to trust now.
Basically, my wife and I had drifted apart for 6-8 months of 2011. I was very busy with work, On top of this, I was helping my wife’s family build their Clothing Alterations business. I was focused on working my a$$ off to provide financially. I guess that left my marriage in a vulnerable position as my wife wasn’t getting the emotional needs she required from me. That was not to say that I didn’t love her, or showed her enough love during our busy period. We made love often – and I believed that we had a healthy marriage.
I found evidence of deep emotional affair that he and my wife had partaken, when my son on his 3rd birthday on Jan 8th – she sent him a picture message of her and him – telling him, I wish you were here x0x0x0. It made me sick. On Dec 30th, I remember trying to reconcile with my wife, and I got the dreaded words; Mark. I love you, but I’m not in love with you…
In any case, Jan 10th 2012 will be etched in my soul forever. My late mother came to me in a dream and I woke up (at this stage we were still sleeping in the same room/bed, but no intimacy at all). My mother said the words; I love you, but I’m not in love with you… I came to work, and googled the phrase, and basically it says that when your lover says this, 9/10 they are committed to another person. So my heart skipped a beat, and I hacked into her email accounts to prove otherwise. I got the emails that proved EA.
I then came home and told her family, she denied it. Denied that it was a stranger, some random guy that saw her in a shopping mall. In any case, I told her to end it, her family was involved and present. She wrote a letter/email to end it, and I saw the email, so did her sister. She sent it to him, but alas, her mobile phone records (which she hid purposely) saw that she had been meeting up with him/calling/texting the lot. We tried Marriage counselling during January, that didn’t help, because she said to the counsellor that she wanted separation…100% for two weeks. I said no way, I am not a used garbage to be tossed. In any case, I relented, and stayed for my parents for the weekend – do you know what she did? She made me a baby sitter – and while I was looking after the kids, she was with him, at a hotel. I found out about it by snooping her wallet, finding the Hotel card, ringing the hotel up – and asking if her and the OM was staying there. When I found out they where both there, that’s when I went ballistic, confiscated credit cards, her phone, her Louis vuitton bag, her keys to the car. I said, now you have nothing. Get out of our home. For 5 hours she ran away…and filed a police report. In any case, she came back, and she was unrepentant.
All through February, we trialled a three week separation. I left to live with my Dad, partly to give myself space to heal. To pray to the Lord. Partly to try out separation. But it was difficult. I love my children, and they miss me. My daughter, initially told me that Chris and Michelle where amicable when they were at school together. They talked…my daughter even video taped them both in her ipod and showed me. My daughter hates this man…and knows why. I didn’t tell her, she understood what was going on.
In any case, OMs wife, rang me out of the blue, and told me that my wife and homewrecker man had a deep affair. I was wrecked, she rang me by googling my work – I think she has had a private investigator on her husband and suspected something. In any case, my utter devastation was complete… I told my wife, our marriage was over, I was hurt, I was so upset.
So come March - whereby last week, I sent my wife away on a Health/Spiritual retreat for 4 days, and then another 4 days away in the big city to go shopping. Boy she did go shopping, and spend as much as she wanted she did. She hated the retreat, as she was alone, could not contact homewrecker man. And she had counselling, and a lot of the counselling focused on her as a Mother, a person…but not a wife. She said to me, that she thinks she was a good wife.
The conundrum is she feels lonely, unloved and needs someone to help her through this and that she has nobody. She feels, she wants to be with somebody, but cannot. She feels stuck, and caught in a hard rock place. I said to her I feel lonely and abandoned, and she feels the same, albeit she then challenged me about it.
In any case, she also keeps blame shifting and keeps saying, that the poor state of the marriage caused her to cheat. I pusher her to be distant, to cross the fence. To me unacceptable. No way did I ever do this.
Wife then told me last Wednesday, the key words. Verbatim. There is not a day that I don't think about him.
These words crushed me and liberated me at the same time. To hear the words uttered killed my heart, and at the same time, said, “let her go, this is not your wife!”
So I did. I have done a 180…no contact. Kicked her out of the house. Took the credit cards, the car. No answering Sms/phone calls. I will do more…need to do more.
In Australia, legally, once you separate, you just cannot kick the WS out of the family home, they can live there for 12 months. So I had to let her back in, she sleeps on the couch…to keep in contact with kids. My inlaws support me, as they know the truth…(but blood is thicker than water). Her phone is glued to her. I want to really destroy it. Physically. I want her out.
Mate, a heart rending story and I'd hoped that someone else who might be able to offer you some greater wisdom than I can might step up and offer you a response. I guess I identify as your timeline is close to mine...
You say that you had a perfect life....but maybe you didn't, obviously your wife didn't. You hate the other guy, he's older and wealthier, he shook your hand and took your wife's heart. That's humiliating, hating the guy is just humiliating yourself further. Don't go there.
It sounds as tho you called a family conference to out your wifes's affair...was this the best way to go? Do you want, or expect everyone to take your side in this?
You 'confiscated' her stuff....to show her she had nothing.
You 'sent' her away on a retreat...which she hated. It sounds as tho you chose it for her...does she share your spiritual beliefs?
"So I did. I have done a 180…no contact. Kicked her out of the house. Took the credit cards, the car. No answering Sms/phone calls. I will do more…need to do more."
The 180, as I understand it, is about taking your space to fix yourself, to take back your sense of self, NOT about being some kind of avenger of wrongs.
We're all in for a hard time emotionally here, I hear what your feeling and sympathise...but you've got to get yourself to a better frame of mind to deal with this....not just avenge your wifes treatment of your relationship.
I hope what I've said is of some use....maybe someone else here can put it better than I can, offer you something that makes better sense than I can.....people?
Yes I have made a lot of mistakes, and Yes I am vengeful. I am hurt deeply. To clarify a few things;
1. When I found out about the EA, it was a shock, I had my father and her father in the room where I confronted her. Her family is close, and yes they are involved - She keeps saying it will only push me away...but continually, she keeps seeing him. I guess its her own free will right? I guess I have told the family, in order for them to help me reason with her.
2. We did have a perfect life...the only reason why she strayed is because the OM, was miserable and could validate her feelings, because he had already gone there. He has been in Seperation/Divorce mode for 5 years...he sees my vulnerable wife, and she pays attention to his problems, they share, then bham - easy fix...start affair. Point is, he has been repeatedly told to stay away from us, but he keeps lingering. I guess it boils down to what her free will wants.
3. Yes I confiscated the credit cards, the family car, and my own bedroom that we used to share. She maxxed out the credit cards, the family car she was using to meet him and I didnt cheat so why should I sleep on the couch and be uncomfortable? I was doing to doing it to be vengeful...I was doing it because I had enough of being used and abused.
4.The retreat she agreed to, and yes she didnt like it, purely because she didnt have mobile phone connection ... to talk to the kids and him. Fair enough the kids, but not him. We did share spiritual dealings, and she did connect and appreciate it...although she resented being alone. Which is what she was feeling anyways before she left.
5. I have taken space, and told her, You are not welcome in this home purely because this home is a happy home where my wife would be loving to me and the children. the fact that you abandon/leave at night - to be God knows where, and comeback at 7am the next morning, is wrong...hence why I asked her to leave...""kick her out" is to strong a words.
6. 180 - You are right, I am trying to take care of myself...very hard to. I've been trying to save the marriage by being kind to her...and doing things for her and the children. Kids are No1, but you are right, need to quieten my Spirit and repent.
7. God helps. I'm trying to give it all to Him, but its hard, my nature of being in control is getting in the way.
Thanks phaber6, I appreciate it.
Please anyone else??? I need the honesty...
I'm not particularly religious...can you help me understand? Why didn't you put the Lord first at Christmas by allowing them to stay home. Do you feel you should have made them attend to put the Lord first in their lives?
The decision made, was based on my wife and I not having the right priorities. We prioritised having a family gathering, when in fact we should have gone to Church. We should have prioritised the marriage, instead, we tried to build a business...therefore forgoing weekends together. We should have been going out as a family together, instead I was missing dinner meals due to work commitments.
Point is, I was devout...very, so was my wife, and we turned away from God. I view it as His way to say to us both, I am the Shepherd, and I will tend to my stray sheep by bringing them back...I have been brought back, but my wife, has strayed far and distant.
Is the other guy part of your faith community? Or is he secular, materialistic?
...look, I think you're being so hard on yourself, working hard, not having weekends together, Christmas came and your wife opted for a family time over a formal religious time. Maybe family at that time was the right priority, perhaps it had been for a while?
No, he just sends his kids to the Catholic school, he doesnt have strong faith in Christ. He is materialistic...I can go on here, but wont.
I am hard on myself, as I wanted to achieve a lot in my time, but focused on the wrong things. Balance is the key. Same with everyone. I need perspective, and this 180, is the key. I have lost so much weight...from 72kgs to 65kgs, in 4mths...people notice it. Family was priority, but I guess we should have been seeing God first...put Him first, and our spirit is healed and cleansed.
I dont know...I just need the time, to really heal first. Have had this respiratory problem for a month now that wont go away...
The emotional detachment is hard to do. I need to quieten my spirit, thats the hardest thing to do. I keep trying to save the marriage, but He and She continually cheat on me...so I have to accept, move on and let it go.
If she comes back, she comes back. But at this stage I am not asking for it...its just too much.
The kind of 180 I'm doing is kind of hard, as she is living in the same roof. Would it be better if I just left, and had no contact with her? Or I ask her to leave...
The dialogue is very minimal. As I have a full time job, and she does not, I asked her to heat up an oven meal for the kids for this evenings meal. She heatedly retorted back; Am I being dictated to cooking as well?
I backed down, and said; No. You can do whatever you like.
I just feel that she is just so angry and upset at me, that I want her out of the picture for good now. I just dont know how to execute a 180 with her in the home.