2xloser

How about if the future includes you simply taking what is rightfully yours, leaving, being 100% done, filing for D, and beginning your new life without the turmoil, threats, uncertainty, abuse, and manipulation? Would he then want to at least "discuss it"?

Because with that story you've told, you ought to stop and read what you've told here as if you were reading it from someone else and had to give them some advice on what to do next.

I bet you'd tell them to run for the hills...

The argument of "but I love him" on one side vs. everything else pointing to "get out as fast as you can" quickly wears very thin. Whether he's manipulating you on purpose or because of his issues doesn't matter -- you are being manipulated; everyone around you sees it (to the point of intervening); he takes advantage of it, and you lose in every way. You pine away for a guy who doesn' want to be with you, and when he is, he is abusive toward you? And even now, you are waiting for HIM to dictate what comes next... symptomatic of the very problem.

I admire and respect your desire to stick through it all, thick and thin, but at some point it's just plain foolish to remain emotionally invested in it all... it must be so exhausting.

I say it is time to take charge of your own life, and leave him to settle his own -- and separate the two things completely.

desert-rose

Perhaps I'm just ashamed that it didn't work out and I can't stop wishing that it did. I tried with everything I have in me. Maybe that's all there is to it. I hate to see him depicted as a bad person (by anyone, even by me), because I don't think he is a bad person, just a person with a bad temper who can be really immature and selfish and manipulative and aggressive in order to get his way sometimes. He's also capable of being generous, kind, loving, sensitive, smart, and fun. He's the only person I've ever loved or felt any real connection to, so letting go feels a lot like cutting myself into pieces. But, this isn't really about love, is it? I guess that if he isn't willing to compromise, isn't even willing to discuss that there's a problem, then there's no way for anything to change at all...so, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to work things out. If I'm willing to let him dictate everything, then I can't object; if he won't accept my objection and treat me with respect, then it means he will only accept things on his own terms. I used to be a strong person. That was when I wasn't foolish enough to believe that there was such a thing as love. I don't think I like love because it's making me act like a complete idiot. I think I need to remove sentiment from my life and just let the head take over. He acts like he doesn't want me around, so I'm going to assume it means he doesn't. This sucks.

Kurosity

Sounds like the stages of grief to me and I am so sorry. You should never feel ashamed of your real feelings and do not deny them either. You have evey dang right to fall apart when you need to fall apart and you have my permission to do so because it is for your own good to let it out!!!. Do not feel like you are in the wrong for it and it is not a sign of weakness or insanity to go through the rang of emotions you are going through.
The only way to get passed it is to go through it.

I am very sorry you are having a rough time. Just remeber you are worth everything and you should be just as compassionate with your self as you are with thoes around you.

Good luck and best wishes.