Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, in a relationship for 13 and known each other for almost 20. We have two beautiful children, age 6 and 3. My wife says she does not love me any more and wants a divorce. I wish I could say it was "out of the blue" (it was) but in retrospect, all the signs were there. We are "good people", never fought, etc. But I had let my job get to me and neglected her emotionally, and she has embarked on a journey of self realization and spirituality and she says she has to do it alone.

Being out of options (I asked for a chance for us, she will not agree) and out of respect to her, I have agreed to divorce. But not because this is what I want. I want a chance to win her back, have an even better relationship and not lose my family.

We live abroad, and it will take about 2 months to return and then I suppose 2 months or so to process the divorce.

Again, the problem is that she says she has fallen out of love with me (somewhere in the last year) and is not interested in having any outside third party try to "fix it".

My question is, given such an adamant stance, and further assuming that the divorce does happen, can I still apply these (and other) techniques to try and get her back? I don't want to say it is all over even after the divorce if it happens, count my losses and get on with life. I want to try and fix it even then. I want to change, I need to change. My plan, if it plays out that way (which seems likely), is to respect her wishes, divorce, stay close to the children and actively participate, make a big change in myself (a true one, not just to appease her), and the, I hope, maybe she will see the new me and come back.

So again my question is (and sorry for asking it in a simplistic way), should I still execute a game plan if we are divorced? Or has so much damage been done that she is beyond a point of no return?

I know that there may always be "a chance" but I guess what I am asking is for your experience and perspective on how to relate to this.

Thank you!
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

My opinion is to just let her go. I am in a very similar situation, and I know for a fact my wife wants a divorce she just hasn't asked yet. I will bet that it will happen this coming weekend....

It's time to 180 and move on. Go seek counselling for yourself. Chances are if she wasn't 100% happy then neither would you. Once your spouse starts focusing on all of the negative aspects of your life together it's finished. I was totally willing to work on our marriage together, and was willing to put in 100% effort. But, it takes two to make it work, you can't control what the other feels and wants.
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

I agree with you that you cannot control what others want or do. Absolutely. And I agree that I have to take care of myself (and the kids!). But I love her and would like to be with her. I can't see myself giving up that hope. Maybe I am a fool.
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

eyesopen,

You don't say how far you are into divorce and separation, it sounds from your response that its a recent thing. If so, try and see your plan to divorce and then reconcile as an early reaction to how this is going to go. My first response was to plan for an elaborate process of reconciliation. Some months on, my feelings are different. It might be the same for you.
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

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eyesopen,

You don't say how far you are into divorce and separation, it sounds from your response that its a recent thing. If so, try and see your plan to divorce and then reconcile as an early reaction to how this is going to go. My first response was to plan for an elaborate process of reconciliation. Some months on, my feelings are different. It might be the same for you.
phaber6,

This hit me last month, maybe 5 weeks ago.
She says she "fell out of love" with me perhaps in the last year.
We live abroad, and can only leave in 2 months or so. The actual divorce process will start after that (another 2 months?). We will not fight using lawyers etc. We still live in the same house now, are civil and friendly, and have not told the kids.
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

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I agree with you that you cannot control what others want or do. Absolutely. And I agree that I have to take care of myself (and the kids!). But I love her and would like to be with her. I can't see myself giving up that hope. Maybe I am a fool.
You will always love her, and in some way she will always love you. You need to give up hope for your own sanity, trust me. I am just coming out of a 3 1/2 month separation with the divorce conversation coming right around the corner in the next few days.

I did not want to give up during our separation. I felt that if I gave up, then I would 'check out' and I would not be ready for R if the opportunity ever came up. Now that I know what she wants, I need to check out. It is actually somewhat of a relief, I am no longer living in limbo land, which is somewhat liberating.

So much hurt, so much hurt. Life does go on, and you will make it great for you and your kids.
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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eyesopen,

Really feel for you, where you are at the moment. I would get annoyed at my psych telling me that I needed to 'let go' etc. I wasn't going to bail on this, I was going to stay in there and win. I felt I had her family's support to do this...I was going to slowly explore what her boundaries were with me. I'd meet her randomly, we'd go for coffee, she'd reach over and straighten my collar, like a wife does. I thought we were being easier with each other than we had been for a long time. You can torture yourself trying to read something into every action. But what you can't ignore is that she's said she wants out. My psych suggested to me that a breakup isn't always a linear path to the exit and out. Sometimes they'll come back to you a bit, maybe confirming to themselves that they're making the right call in leaving. Going down this path will bring you a lot of pain, it has me. I feel so much better now that I've come to some sort of acceptance of this, I'm sad, its lonely, but its clear ground. There's worse places to be.....and believing that the divorce is a stage in your reconciliation process might be one them.

Last edited by phaber6; 03-19-2012 at 04:14 AM. Reason: hate bad spelling....
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

eyesopen,

hang in there. If your heart says you love her, then just comfort yourself with the fact that your real wife, is in your heart. Dont lose sight of that feeling of love. That's real. Take stock, and try to listen to her, when she talks to you.
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Old 03-19-2012, 06:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I've seen it happen twice. However both times were at least a few months if not a year been apart from one another.

It could happen, but I have no idea what the odds are.

The best thing to do is keep moving on. You can not make someone be in love with you.

I'm so sorry with what happened. Work on bettering yourself. Find a hobby or interest to keep you occupied for the time being if possible. Begging and pleading will push her away.
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Reconciliation after divorce - is it possible?

After going thru a 1 yr separation process, my H and I will be D in <30 days (according to the judge). We are both still working and dealing with each other. I believe anything is possible. In life, there is no "textbook rules" to follow. Don't let anyone tell you you can't get back together. But you do have to show you're wife that you do still love her and care for her. Don't be overbearing, just be open to her. Still do your things you like to do, but don't get mad if she declines any invitations from you. Just say "ok, maybe next time". It might hurt like hell, but you're patience will be seen by her. Time is the best/worst thing ever! Good Luck!
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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After going thru a 1 yr separation process, my H and I will be D in <30 days (according to the judge). We are both still working and dealing with each other. I believe anything is possible. In life, there is no "textbook rules" to follow. Don't let anyone tell you you can't get back together. But you do have to show you're wife that you do still love her and care for her. Don't be overbearing, just be open to her. Still do your things you like to do, but don't get mad if she declines any invitations from you. Just say "ok, maybe next time". It might hurt like hell, but you're patience will be seen by her. Time is the best/worst thing ever! Good Luck!
Thanks for this. I am on the balance line of detaching, yet remaining friends, involved. Some of it is that I want to spend as much time as possible with my children.

I go back and forth over what we had and what now is, and the fact that my wife has no hope. I am on the path at improving myself for me. My wife took years to get to where she is today. I hope time heals. I hope she cracks around me and wonders about possibilities.

But, it's all patience.
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