Originally Posted by bippy17

Been a few weeks since I posted my story and wanted to update everyone on how things have transpired since my last post.

I have been on my best behavior for the past 3-4 weeks. I have done everything in my power to make the living together separation tolerable and less awkward for both of us. Being as nice and considerate as any man would trying to save his marriage. Because she has said financial issues really played into 60-70% of our issues, I have since paid off my car and started paying extra to creditors, etc. This I feel I have control over this part of things and hopefully shows how much I am taking what she has told me seriously. I have now lost between 45-50 lbs and living at the gym to keep busy and feel good. For the first time in my life I feel I'm in the best shape I have ever been in. However, I can't seem to enjoy this part of my life and the accomplishment I have made physically.

Over the past 3-4 weeks we have been getting along great. Being able to talk, joke and share what goes on when visiting family (separately). However, knowing in my heart I need to move out to expedite the situation one way or another (knowing it's going towards divorce or seeing if there is any love left), I chose to go on the apartment hunt and find a place to live. It took alot for me to get to this point but I knew it was probably the best move. Her mother, my family and friends all agreed that I needed to do this. I looked for a short term lease (in case something changed along the way). Initially, my W told my family that she thought it would be great for me to be on my own and experience what it would be like to live on my own since I never have (to get some independence). Well, this past Friday I found a place. I went home to get paperwork to ultimately sign a lease and broke the news to my 7yr old son and W that I was leaving.

He cried (crushing to see that) and she seemed to get a tiny bit (just a tiny bit) of a reality check in her facial expression. She asked why I would pay all that money to leave and then put myself in what could be a financial struggle rather then stay home and separately work on ourselves (separately - she was not saying to work on things together/the marriage) to ultimately after a month or 2 or 3 to reconvene and see where we are if we are we ready to work on things or ready to move on. I have no idea where she was going with this. To me, the money would work itself out if I left (it always has) - bottom line, if she wanted me to go I was giving her what she wanted. Right? I handed it to her on a silver platter. She initially wanted me to move on and if something changed then we would deal with it. This is what she wanted but then told me she thought it was a bad move and that how could we ever eventually work on our situation if we are still going to have the financial struggle of now me having my own place. I'm more confused now. What should I make of this?

This past week I have taken the family out to dinner, paying for everything that I can and expressed to her how much the marriage means to me and that I am going to prove how I am not that same guy. All this with trying to balance out how to act in my own house and not making her feel pressured. Ughhh this is tough.

Yes, she has not changed her feelings towards giving me anything other then hello and goodnight and thank you's for the nice things that I'm doing. But no more. I know I cannot expect anything more then what she is giving me and that it is basically impossible to change how someone feels once they fall out of love with you. I get that and continue to remind myself of that. It's so hard to be under the same roof and not being able after 15 years to hug and kiss my wife. Unbearably hard to get past this want/need. However, I know this cannot happen right now based on the way she feels and giving her space.

I rambled on here so thanks for reading through this crazy situation. I really need any advice anyone can provide.

Thanks All for always being here to listen!

Bippy

Originally Posted by bippy17

Your so right, it does take 2. No matter how hard we try to make our spouses fall back in love with us again, it has to come from that person to get the feeling back. We can only do so much. It's what everyone has been telling me.

All I can say is this, if anyone is thinking about separation and you choose to live with your spouse during the separation to figure out if there is still love or not (on top of maybe financial reasons) and your the one who is still physically attached/attracted, be prepared for the toughest challenge of your life. It is filled with rejection, constant hurt and trying to interpret every word that is spoken to you by your spouse to see if what he/she said means they arfe coming around or getting more distant.

WOW, Life should not be this hard!

Originally Posted by bippy17

Your so right, it does take 2. No matter how hard we try to make our spouses fall back in love with us again, it has to come from that person to get the feeling back. We can only do so much. It's what everyone has been telling me.

All I can say is this, if anyone is thinking about separation and you choose to live with your spouse during the separation to figure out if there is still love or not (on top of maybe financial reasons) and your the one who is still physically attached/attracted, be prepared for the toughest challenge of your life. It is filled with rejection, constant hurt and trying to interpret every word that is spoken to you by your spouse to see if what he/she said means they arfe coming around or getting more distant.

WOW, Life should not be this hard!

Originally Posted by bippy17

Your so right, it does take 2. No matter how hard we try to make our spouses fall back in love with us again, it has to come from that person to get the feeling back. We can only do so much. It's what everyone has been telling me.

All I can say is this, if anyone is thinking about separation and you choose to live with your spouse during the separation to figure out if there is still love or not (on top of maybe financial reasons) and your the one who is still physically attached/attracted, be prepared for the toughest challenge of your life. It is filled with rejection, constant hurt and trying to interpret every word that is spoken to you by your spouse to see if what he/she said means they arfe coming around or getting more distant.

WOW, Life should not be this hard!

Originally Posted by bippy17

Thanks SD212. WOW, thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

Man, it is definetly hard. I'm here because she said if I moved out and incurred the additional expenses of having my own place, how would we be able to fix us if we can't fix our finances first.

Mixed signals by her everyday. She's a little close one day and joking and then the next day everything is cut and dry. But yet when we do sit down and talk (which makes me feel like I'm the weaker one for whatever reason), she makes it like "hey nothing's changed, it's only been a few days since we discussed how we are going to approach this" "it's not going to happen over night", etc. ...drives me nuts.

But your right, I do feel like a doormat sometimes and I can set my mind to be strong all day long before I see her, but the minute we are in a room together, I crumble and get weak and want to jump her bones..hahaha....Am I nuts??

Feel like pinching myself to wake up from this bad dream.

Originally Posted by marduk

I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!

Originally Posted by bippy17

sounds consitent that the spouse who initiates the separation is the one that really doesn't know what they want after you give them their space. They will drive you nuts trying to keep up with their personality. It could become consuming and damaging to your own mind if you don't come to the realization that whatever they do or say means nothing but garbage, mind games and trying to help themselves feel better about the guilt and that your still emotionally attached to them. Thats why it's important to stay true to yourself, become better for you not them. When someone wants you/needs you/loves you they will tell you not play games. Simple as that.

Originally Posted by coachman

I'm still in the same house with my stbxw and it's tough.

90% of the time now we get along and connect better than we have in years. Still sleep in the same bed and this past week she even reached out and asked if I could hold her because she was cold in bed. Not gonna lie... it was nice. Since then we sleep next to each other all night.

But the flip side is that I caught ler in another lie about the OW. They have pulled back on their relationship to pretty much just a texting thing but she is very much still in the fog over her.

It's a constant struggle of feelings like SD said of not wanting to be the doormat and show her what she is missing versus staying in the house with her and the kids and loving the time together for that 90%.

I think the 10,000 dollar question is am I helping my chances of R by staying and building the love bank or am i shooting myself in the foot by not showing her what she would be missing by moving out....

I would pay any amount of money for someone to answer that question...