Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
We have been separated for about 3 months. - Sorry about the length on this one...once you get going sometimes it just wants to all come out. I know you guys understand. Anyway...
She has made it clear that she has no intention of R as of now. She and the OW still think they are "soul mates" and that they will spend the rest of eternity together. Of course the OW is still living with her BF and daughter. Its a strange story and if someone would have said I would be mixed up in this kind of drama tearing apart two families, I never would have believed it. The irony is...the OW is cake eating and staying in her situation just as my wife is with me but she doesn't realize it.
There relationship would never last in the light of day...but of course they don't see it that way. The fog is a powerful thing. Unless you see someone in it...it's hard to imagine the power it can have. It's a crazy thing to witness first hand.
At the same time she has never once talked about filing for divorce. I have brought it up in the past couple months and she says that's fine...go file because I don't consider us married anyway. Which I understand..because her EA/PA with OW voided the marriage, but she's in no hurry to make it official.
I only plan on being in the house for a couple more months while we save money for one of us to move out. I have gone back and forth with moving, and I think I will be the one to leave. I think if she left it would just give her more of a feeling of starting over new as opposed to her feeling..oh $hit...he is actually gone. When I do leave...she is going to be a mess... I have no doubt about that. When she realizes what she lost it is going to be a rude awakening. It's very possible she ends up without me or the OW.
My gut tells me that there is no hope for R while she is still involved with the OW. Which I think is pretty common sense. We have a great time together and like I said...most of the family time we spend together now is wonderful. The hugs we share or times we spend close in bed is just icing on the cake for me. I honestly don't get my hopes up or make it a big deal because if I did..I know she would pull back immediately. It's something I enter into completely on my own knowing it most likely means nothing to her...but at the same time i know it couldn't hurt the cause and it's something I'm sure a lot of people on TAM would kill to have one last time. So I'm trying to just appreciate it for what it is. Enjoying that last little bit of intimacy that I can get because it could end any day.
Her lies about the OW are almost all because of the fog. I love my wife more than anything...but now I only get glimpses of her.
So that's the plan at this point...enjoy the next couple months together and build the love bank. If it makes a difference then great...if not, then I'm making sure the guy who walks out the door is best version of me imaginable. In shape, confident and a changed man... for me. I have never had a problem with women but when I finally leave, if she doesn't stop me before I walk out...I'm never turning back. And even if she does stop me..she would have to have a completely different attitude and be committed to R and I just don't see that happening.
I have prayed for R long ago and work everyday at putting it to bed. Now I'm just enjoying the time we have with the kids in the same house. It will kill me not seeing them every night but I know that if that day comes when I leave the house...if she doesn't stop me and commit to working on things together... then it's for the best.
Chocolate - I have appreciated your posts so much and it has helped me more than you know reading your wise words from someone who has actually lived it.
Like everyone, i have good days and bad but thanks to this site and the numerous books I have read since I found out about the A I would like to think I have all the tools to come out the other end a much better person. Of course I would have loved that one last shot knowing everything I know now....but life just doesn't work that way. Thanks for reading everyone and I appreciate everyone's feedback.
Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
As I mentioned in one of my previous notes, last Friday I discussed with my Wife that I was leaving and was going to sign a 6 month lease on a apartment. At the time, she said it made no sense to leave knowing that it would bring an additional financial burden onto me that would eventually not enable us to focus on the marriage issues, and still leave the financial issues on the table. This prohibiting us to eventually focus on us. With that said I did not take the apartment.
This morning we were discussing my appointment tonight with the psychiatrist and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page with the questions I had for the psychiatrist. I said I was going in there to discuss a few things:
1. How do we stay in the same house and continue to be cordial, nice and comfortable to each other? Can that work with me not getting frustrated and having no expectations other then co-existing in the same house?
2. When during this time (in the same house) is it right to start to focus on us? How do I do this without making her feel pressured?
3. When do we decide this is not working or is working and we'll continue?
Well little did I know she took away from our last Friday conversation this....That I would stay at home for another 6 weeks until I was able to be in a little bit better financial position to move out rather then spending the next six weeks to "see how it goes" and "How we get along". This set me back and threw me a curve ball. Man, we just can't get on the same page! If I knew this last Friday that this is what she was trying to say, then I would have taken the apartment - no question. To me, money always some how finds it's way to work out (in my experience) and most of the time your never ready to take on additional expenses but you find a way to make it work which is why I would have left.
Anyway, we continued our convo and I said getting my own apartment (after 6 weeks - Not really sure how 6 weeks makes that much of a big financial change knowing it aint that bad of a financial situation) could be the right thing to do, but could also still backfire knowing that I will be incurring more expenses regardless of when I do it (security, furnish it, possibly having to buy-out the lease if things work out 3 months into it, etc.)
OR, Stay put, giving the next 6 weeks to continue to do our own thing (separately), give her space (as much as I can to stay out of her way), keep myself occupied by continuing to go to the gym, eat right and be with my son and re-evaluate the situation (at some point) knowing nothing may come out of it and having no expectations along the way.
She suggested this...for now, why don't we just stick with the possibility of by the end of May I move out, still go to psychiatrist tonight and mention all of these things to see what the psychiatrist says and we can take it from there.
We also discussed the possibility of me asking my cousin if it would be ok to stay with him for now (a few months), give her 3 months to clear her head, pay him to stay at his place without having to incur all the expenses of signing a lease, security deposits and furnishing a place. Then seeing how things play out.
Does this make sense? Stay? Go? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.
Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
You're welcome, Coachman. We're all here to support one another. I totally understand what you mean by savoring the last bits of intimacy. Sigh. Also went through that during our separation. But it's good that you've cleared your thoughts and know that if our spouses aren't fully committed to working on the marriage, then it ends there. No amount of reasoning with them or begging will change their minds. Down the road, when they wake up to the harsh reality of losing us, that's when they might decide they still want to be with us. But we can't wait for that day. We have to tend to our Selves because no one's going to do it for us.
Hope I see that check in my mailbox tomorrow! Heheh! It's nice that we can still laugh here. A good sense of humor does wonders for the soul.
Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
My cousin is open to me staying with him temporarily but wants it only to be temporary. I do at some point have to fully move on and get settle and if something changes for the better so be it.
However, he said to be quite honest he's a little pissed that we all have to adjust our lives (me moving in with him) to see if by giving her 2-3 months to clear her mind proves one way or another if there is anything left in our marriage.
I know getting my own place is probably the right answer. However, I want to see (for the sake of our marriage and my 7yr old son) if time heals us. \
Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
Folks, I don't know if your set to receive new posts when someone posts but thought I would try.
I've read through all the pages here and thanks to all because it has helped me. I'd like to tell you my story but wanted to see if the post (and Coachman, Chocalate, etc.) was still active.
Folks, I don't know if your set to receive new posts when someone posts but thought I would try.
I've read through all the pages here and thanks to all because it has helped me. I'd like to tell you my story but wanted to see if the post (and Coachman, Chocalate, etc.) was still active.
Many thanks
Still here... Feel free to post Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up!
Ok, here goes. I'm from a dysfunctional single parent (mom) family w/physical and verbal abuse. I say that just to set context of some relief I may feel and for folks to understand.
My wife of 24 years has says she wants to stay in same house for kids (I do to) but seek her soul mate. She told me 5 days ago.
First, crushing, guilt, alone, damaged, etc. all what I feel.
Second, she has every right as I have never understood (until now) what it meant to truly love someone with everything. I always held out, weather it was lying about finances (so I could buy what I wanted) or not listening to a 100 cries for help.
Don't get me wrong, she was right there in many cases, but at the end of the day I was acting like a child always pushing, wanting my way, thinking every argument was just a positioning exercise to get something else.
And boy did we argue (scream). Her point was that I always took it personal (which I did) by calling names.
I am now hurting in ways I did not see possible. Gut wrenching. However, I guess the silver lining here is that I am a different person even as I wright this post. I am the soul mate she wants.
Sorry for the continuous text but as one person put it, it just comes out, brain doesn't compose well these days.
Oh my gosh, all that and...... we have 3 wonderful children. That and a level of finances is why we feel best staying in the same house.
I have wanted to apologize for all the mean things I did, when I wrote the list I was so ashamed over so long that I'm not sure how a reasonable person could even listen. Unless you were a paid therapist.
We have went on a date and it went well. Should I do others. I have read the 180 Healing Heart and it seems really rationale but then I wouldn't be doing some of the things I am doing now. I say I love you, I peck her on the cheek, etc. How do I show I understand and have changed unless I do those things. Many posts say you just can't because she is not in a space where she can here them. I think I believe that. Nothing worse than a lip kiss being turned to a cheek peck by her. Ouch.
All I have for now. Thanks for reading. This forum has helped me.
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Re: Separation is so painful I can't describe it. Trying to Man Up! 
