bippy17

I'm about to go through a separation from my wife of 9 years & I’m completely crushed. I love her more then anything & feel completely lost without her. We have a 7 yr old son & he too is my pride and joy. This is my 2nd marriage and have 2 teenage girls from 1st marriage.

We have always done many things married couples shouldn't do. Separate finances, sleeping arrangements (I snore), separate friends, etc. However, we always found a way to make it work. Two good people from two good families I guess is what made it work.

We've had ups & downs and gotten over some hurdles most marriages couldn't. We have had a past of breakups (while dating) where I would move out for 6 months & then my wife would call crying asking me to come back and I always did. I love her what can I say.

I was always the initiator, the one giving hugs & saying how much I love her. She would say “I love you” back, but over the years the strength of her love was weakening. Everyone saw it but I denied it. Our sex life was never anything to talk about. I denied all of this for a while.

For her, having to deal with me complaining about my X, my daughters (who have not been all that great to me), finances & getting all worked up over small stuff has taken it’s toll on her. She’s lost the feeling. Regardless of anything, my wife is an extremely caring and sweet person that would not hurt a fly.

She said we need to separate. She's unhappy. She's not interested right now at working on the marriage. She cares alot about me but doesn’t have the 100% to give me that she says I should have. She has been giving 80% but does not have the other 20% (i.e. sex drive, feelings a wife should have for her husband, that spouse connection, etc).

I did the phone log check and played private investigator. I found the EA. She admitted to exchanging text messages that were flirtatious but that’s all. He is someone she knows for 15 years (works with) and safe to speak with since she has absolutely no feelings of it going any further.

After a few days of not being able to deal with it, I called the guy and gave him a piece of my mind. He said he knows my wife a long time and it's always been casual banter and work related. Nothing more. No idea what I was speaking about and stuck with that story. My wife's cousin (who I have always been close with) confirmed for me I had absolutely nothing to worry about with him and swore up and down he is nothing more then a friend for a long time. I believe her.

Anyway, I have been a lost ever since this has all gone down, walking around like a zombie, depressed, lonely, weak when I see her and wanting her more and more. I have been literally forcing myself to eat since she lowered the boom.

I know I have to leave my house soon and stay a few nights a week (to start) at a cousins house, but I so badly want to win her back. I crumble and show weakness whenever she’s around. It’s hard still living in the same house. I'll do anything. Family and friends said I need to do the 180 on her. Is that what I do to win her back? If so, how?

Thanks.

PBear

The 180 is to put yourself in a better place for moving on. If you're doing it to "win her back", you're missing the entire point to it, and it will fail eventually as you revert back to your default behaviors, since you didn't actually change but were just putting on a performance.

C
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bippy17

Thanks PBear. Appreciate the reply. Your right, to me the 180 was changing the fact that I always look weak and fragile and doing the 180 to come off as tough and I can survive without you (but really hoping she'd breakdown and say she really misses me and wants to possibly work on things). I guess then if I do the 180 it's more to fix me and get myself better.

With that said, how would I then go about winning her back and her looking at me in a different light??

Jayb

Being the kind of man your W could date. I know what my wife's interests are, I know how to humor her, etc. And, I know what kind of guy she'll be seeking. Be that man. Show her things you've neglected over the marriage. Be the person she originally fell in love with. What did you do? How did you act?

Force yourself to do this for YOU. Not in hopes and attempts at getting her back. Because, you will run into setbacks, dismissals, rejection even, but if you react differently (than your habit), and do all of these things consistently, over time, it will show her that change is possible.

Even if she came back to you, don't shelve the new ways/attitudes. Keep it up. Forge a new relationship (your marriage didn't work, so don't return to it).

bippy17

Thanks JayB. Wow. What you said made so much sense and really struck me to open up to things I would have never thought of so thanks again.

She always said I looked at things on the negative side. She always said I (me) was never happy and complaining about something or someone. Maybe I can change my outlook on things and stop the negativity. I know I can and will.

She is crying to me today (in an email) saying "I am sick, and sad, and tired, and sorry" her exact words. How do I answer that? Do I stay strong and not reply and make it like I'm not jumping at the slightest thing she sends me? I want to, but think alot of this is phycological and I need to ignore it to get better. Am I wrong?? So damm lost. ughhh

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Complaining and negativity really strains the marriage. I broke my neck 4 years ago, but I do my best NOT to complain about the daily severe pain. Its not easy, but I try to put myself in others shoes. I do my best looking for the positive things in life even though I feel trapped in my own body.

My husband never complains about anything, ever. I often wonder how he does it. He is the most positive person and this is what helps me stay positive. I couldn't do it without my husband. If he was negative all the time, I don't think I could stay.

Both my husband and I had horrible marriages prior to us getting married. I had a child previously and he did not. My ex is abusive and unfaithful. I put that all behind me and moved on a very long time ago. Neither one of us bring up the past. We both look forward towards the future, even though it's difficult at times.

bippy17

Thanks for the reply. Appreciate it. Do I reply to the wife when she tells me she is hurting and sick when she is the one who initiated this? I want to reply but feel like this is a chess match at times. I want to be there for her but have to start thinking of me and healing without her sending me these notes throwing me off and setting me back. I want to give everything I got to win her back but not sure if I do that everytime, when she throws me a crumb or just give her what she wants and ignore it??? I have said too many times how much I love her to her and would do anything to make it right.

Please help, I love the feedback!

Jayb

I would play it cool. Say you understand. But let your actions speak for you. Remain calm. Relaxed. In control.

bippy17

Thanks Jayb for the reply. Going to take your advice and just give a very short reply so that she doesn't think I am mad or anything.

Let me tell you though, Man it's hard when she shows her weakness and for me to act all like I don't care. But I know this may be one of the only shots I have to turn the tables and see what happens. Does that make sense?

Jayb

It does make sense in a weird way. I wish I'd follow my own advice! You're farther along than I. My W remains detached/resistant to anything other than being friends. Has no "love feeling" at all that I can see.

I wish you the best.

lovemygirls

"Anyway, I have been a lost ever since this has all gone down, walking around like a zombie, depressed, lonely, weak when I see her and wanting her more and more. I have been literally forcing myself to eat since she lowered the boom."

I'm right there with you. It's nauseating.

I like the advice of JayB. "Being the kind of man your W could date." That's who she married and we once were. Did we just let things go? Did I let them go? All I can come up with is communication.

I spent the entire weekend inside. Yesterday I finally had enough. I'm going to give this my all. I picked up two more books today, "Hold me tightly" & "The Seven Principles for making marriage work". I've started eating as healthy as possible and next week is back in the gym.

Everyday I'm making it my quest to try to address what I've neglected, who I am, who she is, who we are as a family.

For whoever long it takes, or however much time I have, this is what I'm going to do. And at the end of it all, I have to try and keep the courage in the forefront of my mind to know that I've tried my very best.

bippy17

Jayb and Lovemygirls thanks so much for the feedback. Let me tell you it really helps. Beleive me, my wife breaksdown, but still wants to be apart. By me answering her and showing my whole hand is not going to let her miss me. Sounds childish but being weak and jumping at everything she says (throwing a crumb once in a blue moon) to be the nice guy just does not work and delivers no results.

It's not like anything has changed as far as her feelings. I'm not going home tonight (staying with family). It's going to really sting later on I know it.

Jayb's advice to "play it cool. Say you understand. But let your actions speak for you. Remain calm. Relaxed. In control." sounds like it makes the most.

I want her back so bad it hurts so bad. However, I guess I have to think it's ok to go through the pain to think after pain comes success and reward. Thoughts??

Jayb

I know this too. My heart is ripping. I made mistakes in our M that I'm trying to over-correct now. All of the should-haves, could-haves, would-haves are way too much for my W to consider and believe at this point. And, all of this didn't happen overnight. That's why I'm determined to be present in the moment. To think before I act. Turn-off the autopilot. Any turnaround will take time.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Because, the reward is what you do to and for YOU. I'm processing the fact that my W may have doubts, regrets, etc. and STILL want to leave. Even after the D, she may have that and STILL want to be divorced. She may have 2nd thoughts, etc., but STILL won't come back to me out fear, guilt, etc. Take those possibilities to heart.

That's why it's so important to be focused on YOU. Yes, love her. But, love YOU.

I pray that what I write to you, I can apply it to my own situation.

It is very hard.

bandit.45

Keep breathing and moving forward.

Do all aspects of the 180, but concentrate on the positive behaviors (cheerfulness, positivity, getting back into shape, eating healthy, being acessible to your kids, etc.).

bippy17

All of you guys have been just fantastic in the feedback. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Wow, really looking at things now in a much different light.

Yes, I am a weak person and when I hear in her voice that she is sorry, that she agrees time will tell if ever there is a chance(even though I need to move out and be on my own), I still have that little glimmer of hope that sits inside me, that crosses my mind in every instance we are in each others company. I also have the down time where I wonder where she is, who she is talking to, who is making a move on her, who is putting crap in her head, etc. those things completly torture me and is what I mainly struggle with. "Bandit.45" Your right, I will breath and make sure to concentrate on positive. Hard during down time.

"Jayb" and "lovemygirls" thanks buddy. Your really helping me to understand and think more about me. I guess going forward is to continue to be positive, get a plan to move out (not beiong forced out), hoping that while i'm out and settled maybe God will bring us together one day again.