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Old 03-22-2012, 12:01 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: A Long Story About a Short Period of Time

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Originally Posted by phaber6 View Post
I think we're alike in that we both believe that all the problems can really be sorted out if everyone would just sit down, talk, sort it and find some solutions. There's an answer to all of this, we can sort it out.

Wrong. Wrong....I'm learning that it isn't like that, you can't take this approach with someone that's checked out emotionally, they're somewhere else entirely. Its hard but accepting that that has to be the starting point for for how I deal with the little thats left of my marriage.

So true. It's so frustrating when the other spouse detaches and does not communicate anyting about it until they have enough courage (when they've finally checked out), or they're caught in something (affair, etc.).

Now, it leaves us as willing to do anything to change to be a better person/spouse, while struggling with the baggage/emotions of a detached wife who wants out.

It's not fair.
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:25 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I did run into her at a coffee shop on my lunch break one day. She was there with some people from her work, two guys and a girl. She was shocked to see me and wasn’t interested in talking at all. Some people have asked if this was a “hand in the cookie jar” situation. That I had caught her out with the “other man”. I tend to doubt it, because I asked her on several occasions if this was because she had found someone else, and she denied it. Both when she was highly emotional and when she was calmer. And she knows that if it were the case, I’d shop her. And if she really wanted this to be over ASAP, all she needed to say was that she’d found someone else. That said; there are still lingering doubts of course.
Welp, I was wrong. Ran into my wife tonight. I was headed to a restaurant downtown to meet up with some friends and who was standing outside the restaurant next door? None other than my wife and the same guy from the coffee shop. She was again shocked to see me. Again acted like her hand was in the cookie jar. I told her that we needed to talk and we stepped aside. I asked how long it had been going on, she at first acted stupid and said, "What?" I told her to cut the BS and she admitted that it had been going on for weeks, but that it had "just happened, you know?" I cried foul, said that she moved out a few weeks ago and that clearly this had to be motive. That she may not have been physically involved with him at that point, but that she was emotionally invested and its clear that the reason she wanted out so fast was so she could start the physical part without the guilt of it happening in our home. She continued to deny this. So I said, fine, well then what about us? Are you willing to talk about what we can do to get our marriage to work again? She said that that wasn't what she wanted. That there was no 'us' anymore. Just me and her and she could do whatever she wanted. At that I said I was disappointed to hear that. That she was throwing away a great thing for a fling. She just rolled her eyes. So I hugged her, kissed her hair and went walked over to the OM. My wife (I guess ex is the appropriate term) started to yell at me to stop. When I got to him I almost hit him. Instead I stuck out my hand and said, "Good luck. Remember, she's married and you're an a$$hole." turned and walked away.
So thats the end. Eight years of love. Really truly great love for most of it. And now its over. I guess you really can't ever know what people are going to do. I'm still in shock. But at least it's closure. No more waiting and wondering if I can win her back. Its just done.
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:37 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Really sorry to hear that SRN - sending big hugs your way!
she'll be in a honeymoon period with this one for a bit, then reality will set in and the cycle will begin all over again

you can at least focus on yourself now although it's hard - my H still pops into my head all the time even though I know he's not thinking about me or our 13 years together
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Old 03-24-2012, 05:09 AM   #19 (permalink)
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SRN, You could have handled that a lot better but what's done is done. Now you've got to give her space either way and you will have another chance to talk to her again at some point. Whether it be because of divorce court or before then you'll get to talk before this is all over.

Let the dust settle for you both and take this time to get yourself emotionally stable for the next time you meet. Odds are likely she'll harbor some resentment towards you for hurting her feelings but that also means you got to her and showed her what she was doing was hurtful to you as well. You may have to take the blame for this later on and side with her feelings in order to talk to her but that's nothing.

I also have to point out that the affair has been going on for longer than a month. A month ago was when they got physical around stage two, but they were close long before then. About 3-6 months ago was when she saw his as being the better choice and made excuses to see him over spending time with you. That also means she's deeply infatuated with him and everything you do to convince her other wise will only push her in deeper. Back off and let her be with this SOB and give her the time she needs to miss you. She will see what she's giving up in time but not if you keep blowing up and calling the OM an A-hole Don't beat yourself up I did the same thing.
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Old 03-24-2012, 01:11 PM   #20 (permalink)
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SRN, You could have handled that a lot better but what's done is done. Now you've got to give her space either way and you will have another chance to talk to her again at some point. Whether it be because of divorce court or before then you'll get to talk before this is all over.

Let the dust settle for you both and take this time to get yourself emotionally stable for the next time you meet. Odds are likely she'll harbor some resentment towards you for hurting her feelings but that also means you got to her and showed her what she was doing was hurtful to you as well. You may have to take the blame for this later on and side with her feelings in order to talk to her but that's nothing.

I also have to point out that the affair has been going on for longer than a month. A month ago was when they got physical around stage two, but they were close long before then. About 3-6 months ago was when she saw his as being the better choice and made excuses to see him over spending time with you. That also means she's deeply infatuated with him and everything you do to convince her other wise will only push her in deeper. Back off and let her be with this SOB and give her the time she needs to miss you. She will see what she's giving up in time but not if you keep blowing up and calling the OM an A-hole Don't beat yourself up I did the same thing.
An interesting take. But here's the thing. It's over. I cannot take her back after something like this. Its impossible for me to believe in her or our marriage after this breach of trust. You may think I handled things poorly, but I think I handled them pretty damn well. I was pretty calm the whole time, even when I called the a$$hole an a$$hole I did it in a calm voice and a smile on my face.
I'll be filing the papers first thing Monday and I'll likely serve them to her myself that morning at her work. We have no kids, no home, all of our assets have already been split do to the separation, so likely when I give her the papers that will be the last time that I ever see or speak to her. This is done, and I need to get it over with. It's the most horrible and tragic thing that I have ever gone through, but it just needs to be over at this point.
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:35 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Filed the divorce papers and served them to her at her work this morning. Hardest thing I've ever done.
She still denied the affair when I told her that was why I filed, but other than that she was completely indifferent acting when I gave her the papers. I didn't/couldn't stick around while she read through them. I assume she'll contest that adultery was the reason for the dissolution, but I'll just have to see. She's got 20 days to reply to the court.
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:37 AM   #22 (permalink)
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SRN just caught up on this thread - you are right what you said to me in one of my comments, our stories are indeed very, very similar, both the way we handled them and the script our W's were following. My ex's affair were a year ago, give or take, and reading your story made me re-live mine like it was yesterday.

One difference with mine is that there were atleast 2 OM, and so while I thought she had ended it with OM1 she was actually still going on with OM2 under my nose, while pretending to deliberate over whether or not she would consider staying in the marriage. (I realize now she just needed the roof over her head until her apartment was ready). Point is after dday#2 I took off my ring and not once since have I felt like I wanted her back, when I let go I really did. It has helped me tremendously to know that one really bad option was atleast scratched off the list, even if the other options are all no fun at first either. Trust me, they will pan out better for you, you will have some pretty good times ahead of you...
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:22 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I knew it from the first post that it was an affair. Cheating women are like monkeys, They don't let go of the old branch until they find a new one to hang on to. The whole thing was totally planned. The speed with which she had her apartment and moved out should have told you all. Good luck. You don't seem to be that kind of person, but you can verify the length of the affair through her phone records, Facebook and mail if you still have access to them. You might want them as proof during the divorce proceedings.


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When I got to him I almost hit him. Instead I stuck out my hand and said, "Good luck. Remember, she's married and you're an a$$hole." turned and walked away.
or say something like this when you see him again "We were together for 8 years, married for more than 4. And if she can do something like this to me so heartlessly, good luck to you"

Edit: never mind. Just looked at the post that said both of you signed the papers. Funny how she could throw away everything so easily. Man, your story depressed me..I can only imagine how hard it is to you. Take care

Last edited by warlock07; 04-06-2012 at 03:56 AM.
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Old 04-06-2012, 11:33 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Just to finish this tale of woe, the day after I served her she texted me to let me know that she was going to get everything taken care of that morning and deliver the final papers to me at work. I called her and said lets do it together, but lets talk before going to the courthouse. She agreed. We met at a coffee shop downtown around noon. I tried to have some light conversation, but she just answered yes/no and sat there staring at me. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything, she just exploded and said that I was the one that wanted to talk, not her.
So I proceeded to try and talk to her about our past. About how much we had loved each other, why we got married and how I think that we might still have a shot if she was willing. or at the very least, to make this less hostile. She exploded again and said all she wanted was to sign the papers. That she was DONE. I said OK, got up and walked out the door.
As we walked down the street to the courthouse I thanked her for finally admitting to having an affair. She laughed and said she hadn't. I asked her why she didn't dispute the petition then. She rolled her eyes and said, "Well I guess technically I am." while she waived the petition in the air. That hurt. She then said that she'd never be able to convince me otherwise anyway. I stopped and said, "No, thats easy. You and I go up to your work and you tell the OM that its over. That the two of you are done and you're going to try and work things out with your husband." She laughed and said, "Thats never going to happen!"
When we got to the clerks office I was on the verge of tears. We'd stood in line at courthouses and clerks offices several times before. Always for happy things like our marriage certificate, passports and the like. And here we where, standing together for the last time. It was horrible. As we waited I turned to her and said, "I love you." she just clenched her jaw and turned away. When we got to the clerks window as the petitioner I had to sign like 20 times. She, only three or four. As I signed I choked back tears and she just stood there looking indifferent. When that special kind of hell was over we left.
We didn't talk at all on the way back to her car. I tried to walk ahead of her, but out of habit or something she kept matching pace with me. When we finally got to her car, I stood there and looked at her. I hugged her for what felt like an eternity. She just put a limp arm around my back and patted me a few times. I pulled back, looked into her eyes and said, "You'll always be my first true love." She just looked at me. I let her go and she said with no emotion, "Good bye." Got in her car and drove off.
And that was the last time I saw or spoke to her. And, likely, the last time that I will ever unless its a random run in.
For those who have read my other posts, I'm really struggling with the fallout. I loved this woman completely, and she violated every level of trust and devotion that she could. Its a pain and horror that I cannot describe in words. Those of you that have gone through it know. But everyone is unique. I always felt like our love was special, was different from everyone elses. And maybe we did, and thats why this hurts so bad.
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:43 PM   #25 (permalink)
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My heart is reaching out to you man, I know what that is like... kinda disbelief how she can be checked out like that.

Many reasons I guess, you could spend the next year (like I have) or the rest of your life trying to understand it all, what caused her to go like that, what your part in this was etc... but honestly the one thing that matters is not how or why, just the fact that she did check out. It literally is like grieving her death, except you can't just bury her body and move on, you still have to see her soul-less face from time to time.

You will in time come to realize that it is not your fault, no matter what you did or didn't do you remained who you are throughout... yeah there was all the alpha/beta, niceguy, attraction factors talked about all the time here, but SHE unilaterally took the choice away from you, she took control of your fate out of your hands, and through this painful process you are reclaiming it. Grieve through the down parts, relish the good new memories and learn to start enjoying being a single man again - its not all fun, just different kinds of fun with no immature and useless spouse to keep you down.
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:29 PM   #26 (permalink)
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My heart is reaching out to you man, I know what that is like... kinda disbelief how she can be checked out like that.

Many reasons I guess, you could spend the next year (like I have) or the rest of your life trying to understand it all, what caused her to go like that, what your part in this was etc... but honestly the one thing that matters is not how or why, just the fact that she did check out. It literally is like grieving her death, except you can't just bury her body and move on, you still have to see her soul-less face from time to time.

You will in time come to realize that it is not your fault, no matter what you did or didn't do you remained who you are throughout... yeah there was all the alpha/beta, niceguy, attraction factors talked about all the time here, but SHE unilaterally took the choice away from you, she took control of your fate out of your hands, and through this painful process you are reclaiming it. Grieve through the down parts, relish the good new memories and learn to start enjoying being a single man again - its not all fun, just different kinds of fun with no immature and useless spouse to keep you down.
I'm definately in the grieving process right now. I'm just kinda counting the days until I get to move out of the place we've lived for the last six years (T -29 days), getting a new bed when that happens too cause sleeping in the same bed is hell as well. Trying to keep busy with friends, hobbies ect. But there are always the down times. Times to think about what was and what was supposed to be. Its all smoke and ashes now, though. Just smoke and ashes.

And yes, she drove this train off a cliff without taking me into consideration AT ALL. I tried to stop it, but she wouldn't let me, and thats hard to get over as well. For so long we'd been in agreement with our path's, and now... no more. Thats probably the hardest thing to deal with. That just so abruptly "our" life ended. Its just shocking. 44 days from start to finish. And just DONE.

All I can do now is start putting the peices of my life back together. Bit by bit, day by day.
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:08 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I'm sorry but she sounds like a toxic harpy - how ever much resentment and bitterness I feel towards my ex I would never intentionally humiliate him cos I'm, you know, a grown up

it was exactly 1 month for me from when we had the conversation to when he moved out and I got my life back - quick and dirty, like ripping off a plaster. Better that than a drawn out process that's painful for everyone

I've been feeling better and better every day but I have quite a positive attitude about life - that's not something you can just 'do' if you're not that sort of person so i wish you luck, it will get better - the world is your oyster!
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:25 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Wow. I sincerely hope you never talk to her ever again. Ever. Being laughed at and having eyes rolled at you is one hard pill to swallow from the one who used to love and respect you.

What's done is done, seek counseling and take care of yourself...it all changes from here on out. Make it for the better.

Sorry man.
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Old 04-06-2012, 04:28 PM   #29 (permalink)
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SRN, don't waste your tears for someone like her. She doesn't deserve them. Check Shamwow's and lascarx threads on how to move on.
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:20 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I don't know why, but I called the court clerk today at lunch to check on the status of the divorce petition. It was signed by the judge yesterday. There is no more Mrs. SRN.
I called my now legally ex wife, she didn't answer of course. I left a message telling her that I hoped this was worth it for her. That i hoped she was happy. Because I was not. That she had laid waste to my entire life. That I missed her. And that the only thing that could make this worth it was that she was happy.
Probably the last words that I will ever convey to her.

I feel empty. Truly empty.
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