I miss my husband
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I miss my husband

My husband came home on 6/15/2011 and told me he was unhappy, wanted space and was considering leaving. I was devastated. I didn't see it coming, although I observed his increased use on his iphone. He told me he wanted to be gone for a week. He did, but he brought his OW from his 2 month EA up for a visit. I didn't know that. After his 2 nights with her, he called me and said he missed me and that he wanted to come home. I was elated, still did not know about the OW til the next week I saw his iphone while we were in bed together, he was sexting with her. He told me that was nothing but a friend. We continued to live together for another month and a half. He told me he loved her and me. I told him he had to make a decision. He moved out the next week and took nothing but his clothes and personals, leaving all the rest of his stuff in the house for me to clean up.

I ended up taking a 7 wk medical leave, diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. He could not understand why I couldn't work like he was.

I've known him for 25 years. We had a brief encounter when we first met, then went on and married other people, had kids, etc. Ran into him 10 years later and we were both separated. Got together and married. He told me that lightening doesn't strike in 2 places, I had to be his wife forever. Fast forward 10 years, our anniversary, we went on a trip and he gave me a beautiful ring with 10 princess set diamonds and as I opened the gift, he played "The Time of my Life" on his iphone. We were joined at the hip and spent every minute together that we had. I had no idea he would eventually leave me.

He met the OW on Twitter. She lives 250 miles away. He was seeing her on the weekends before he left, claiming he needed time by himself. After he moved out, I became the "bad guy". I cannot even talk to him anymore because he is so toxic, and I can't take a chance on undoing what therapy did for me.

I had been on a special project at work, which caused me to be grouchy, naggy, and unattentive. He could not sustain. He and the OW became emotionally attached, as he began to detach from me. I can see the signs of MLC, as he started changing when he turned 40. It took him 3 years to fully get to the point that he wanted something/someone else. He said I wasn't the woman he married. When I started making positive changes, he said, "where has that women I married been?" But it was too late. OW had said all the right things, including that she didn't care that he was married. She is 41, H is 43, and I am 56.

I have loved this man for 25 years. I know everything about him - more than his mother does. For him to fall out of love with me is still devastating. I realize he's probably gone for good, but I still love him and miss him, even though he strayed. We had a great life, although when he left he told me it was 12 years of misery. He blamed everything on me, taking none for himself.

I'm just wondering if he will try to come back. Next month it will be 8 months that he's been gone. I have filed for divorce (in Dec) and he must have some sorry attorney who refuses to answer my attorney.

The problem I have is that if he wanted to come back (which I hear sometimes they do), I would want him. I understand his childhood issues and what he went through, so I can forgive him. I still love him and miss him. But I'm sad to think he'll eventually end up with the OW - one will have to move 250 miles. I will appreciate your thoughts.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss my husband

Stephanie Lynn

The 180 is here:

The Healing Heart: The 180

hope it may help
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss my husband

That's story is very sad. I'm so sorry. Its easy to tell someone to move on as its not that easy. I do find the 180 helpful. I've been separated almost 14 months and love my husband dearly....there no OW in my case but do understand some of the pain you are enduring. I struggled alot the past year including developing severe depression. I've tried many helpful things but it wasn't until the last month that I've made progress from a national support group called Divorce Care. It is a Christian based program offered by churches. It teaches you how to work on yourself and healing along with other topics like finances. I don't know what your religious background is but if you Google Divorce Care it will tell you more about it and you can search to see if its offered where you live. It is giving me some peace lately.

Hang in there.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Your story sounds just like mine all the way down to the timeline. My husband decided after 23 years (married, almost 28 years together) that he's been unhappy for many years. I totally suspect a MLC that started in 2009 right about the time he discovered FB and all it has "to offer". He had an EA that he vehemently denies, with a woman in another country. It doesn't matter where the person is located, it hurts just the same. I found "sexting" on his phone that just made me sick to my stomach. When I confronted him with those he became outraged and told me he wanted a divorce. Even after all of that and everthing that has transpired over the last 8 months of our separation, I feel like I'd still take him back. There'd have to be some major work done by both of us, but I'd probably take him back. I won't have to make that decision though, he's made it clear that he will be seeking a divorce soon. So now here I am trying to get my life together without him. The whole process is so overwhelming. The legalities of it all are scary. I know how you are feeling, we all do. You've come to the right place for support. Good luck to you and keep posting. Everyone here is great.
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Old 03-22-2012, 08:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for your stories and the 180 plan. Very helpful. Just, our stories ARE similar. I'm amazed with how many couples have gone through the same. I think internet connections have made it so easy. From everything I've been reading, H could have MLC. He had many possible triggers in the last 2 yrs. I just don't get this: how is it that we hurt, miss them, cry and try like hell to move on when it took no effort for them to ride off into the sunset without sadness or feelings of loneliness?
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Old 03-22-2012, 09:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Someone told me once, and I've heard it many times since. The leaver contemplates their leaving for months, maybe years before before they actually drop the bomb. I noticed a change in my husband beginning in 2009 when he started spending alot of time on the internet, chatting with people...women people. Then when I'd had enough of that business I voiced it which only made him resort to texting. Let me tell you, international texting isn't cheap. I confronted her via private message and the b*-+# didnt have the you know what to back off. It just got hot and heavy after that. My emotional breakdown wasnt enough to make him stop, infact I think it fed his desire to continue on. Ugh I get so angry still. If I had the nerve I 'd facebbok all of her friends, family and kids and let them know what a piece of work their loved one is. To get back to your original question, sorry for the rant, i dont know why its so easy for them, probably because its been in the works in their minds for a long time. This i know for sure, Karma is a you know what and the grass may seem greener on the other side, but in actuality its only chemically treated and will definitely turn brown in a short amount of time. Whew! I'm done:-)
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Old 03-23-2012, 05:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Not only do they contemplate leaving, but also they may try to compensate for their absence with say a puppy or some other "gift"---my psy pointed out that my H bought me a dog because he knew I would soon be alone (my gf actually made a joke about it when he gave it to me)---he bought me my puppy in July and left in October. hmmmmmm
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi everyone. Yesterday I saw my H for the 1st time since August. I was at the HD dealership meeting up with a friend rider. He and I were walking to our bikes to go for a ride, and H walked by and said, "What's up Stephanie?". He didn't smile, just spoke. I said nothing. I didn't even realize it was him until we had passed him by. My friend and I went for a lunch ride and some country riding, then back to the HD dealership, as there was a St. Patty's day party going on and we wanted to get a green beer. As we walked toward the stage, H was there and prob noticed us walk by (he never missed a thing). We walked back to the stage after getting our beer and my friend said, "Let's listen to the band for a few minutes." He had no idea H was was standing behind us. We left shortly to walk back to our bikes and H was no where to be seen. I'm wondering what his take was on seeing me for the first time with someone else. We've been separated since last July, and he left me for his OW. I'm moving on with my life, love to ride my Harley, so I found someone to ride with. Even though, I still love and miss my H. He was everything to me and I didn't know he was unhappy. His EA with the OW (torpedo) destroyed us. She knew everything about he was feeling, and I knew not a thing, only because he confided in her online and not me. I still don't see how he traded 12 years of marriage for a 2 month internet emotional affair. I'm just wondering about your thoughts on him seeing me. I was there as a partygoer only, which I am entitled to. He was there running our business that we've had for 8 years (but would no longer allow me to work with him). I was not flauting, and at the same time, the OW could've been there with him so I took a chance on being exposed to that situation. She was not there. Any feedback will be appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 03-25-2012, 11:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I miss my husband

I lost mine to a MLC and I have been w/ him for 27 yrs... it's hard. I noticed detaching back in 2010 maybe a little earlier. The 180 helps. No contact - really helps! Though I want lie whenever I hear a text at one of his usual times to text me my heart races wondering if it's him or what he may say.

I too would take H back but only if he was willing to do some true work on us/him. I don't think he is willing or wanting to ... so I am moving on.

Great about the friend you ride with, can it turn into anything more serious?
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't ya'll beat yourself up over men that didn't value your marriage contract. The ones that got hurt with news of a parting are the ones that will have that much greater a love next time. Spend time healing, growing, gathering joys with others that have more experience, and get into hot bath with salts, steam and relax away the bad people that hurt you so much. I take a bath alone every night, most favorite part of my day, and trust me I've been thru Hell with my soon to be ex husband......all kinds of abuse, but look on the bright side, DO NOT Ever love someone that Could Leave you! That isn't love, compromise or trust. If you gave all that you will get it all back next time with a double dose of CARE!
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Wow, with so many years together I thought the bond would be stronger. I've read that a man's love grows over time. As this is the case for me. I still love my wife even though she's leaving me for another man. I don't understand how some guys can be such an a-hole. Leaving wife and kids because of what unhappy? That's insane. What about the vows? For better or for worse.

Everyone will be unhappy at some point in their lives, you don't blame your spouse and get divorce or leave. You go get a hobby and be happy with yourself, not with someone else. I value family more than anything in my life. I rather live my mundane life, not happy nor sad and be with my family, than saying I'm unhappy and find happiness elsewhere.

In the area where I live, women cheats and men get kicked out. After seeing this thread, I realized we are all in the same boat, men or women.
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Oh Sicone, if only that was the way everyone thought. My H of 28 years threw it all away, told me he wanted a D and maybe had never loved me. I had a full life, that included a H I thought loved me, two great kids and a very fulfilling career that I started to build once my kids left for college. And instead of seeing that he needed to be there, supporting me and proud of me, he left, to live alone in a small apt. barely sees the kids, friends or family. No answers, just know that in about two months the D will be final. I took my wedding ring off this week for the first time in 28 years. Sad, sad, sad. And I would certainly work with him to take him back. I love him and always will
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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All the best to all of you who posted on this delicate subject. You should know that sharing your experiences helps encourage a person like me in year 23 of a marriage that has seen its ups and downs to keep the fire burning.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I would still take my H back. He's the only man I've ever LOVED. I understand him and think a MLC caused this from his childhood issues that he never dealt with. I've dated a little, but no one will replace how I felt with him all these years. I am somewhat waiting because I believe he's only in lust with OW because she said all the right things when she listened to his problems with our marriage (that he had not shared with me). I do hope he will ask to come back and I will deal with that decision if it presents itself. You can't stop love.
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Old 03-28-2012, 06:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I hope that he does return, for your sake, but I also hope that you continue to date and exploit your "singleness" while it lasts. For some reason, as you and your reconciled husband sit in rockers it seems like it would be better if you both have stories to tell about when you were seperated.
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