Nsweet

I realized something funny today.

Imagine what kind of pressure the OM/OW are under and have to live up to the expectations they created while trying to steal our spouses away from us. Everything from unrealistic promises to never argue, to romantic notions that lose their meaning when over done, high perfomance sexual acts that no one can perform day after day, and even promises to never do the same pet peeves we have done. "I'll be a better mother/father to your kid(s)", "I would never reject you if you we're drunk." "I would swallow everytime", "If I were you're husband/wife I would...." All of these are unrealistic as no one is perfect but they promise they are.

Here's the kicker. All of this pressure on them is even higher because they have to keep reassuring the WAW/WAH that their decision was right when they have doubts. Other wise they run the risk of them seeing it was all a lie when they get comfortable and start to slack off. I'm sure all of us can remember the stress from putting our best selves forewards when first getting to know our spouses and doing everything to impress. None of us had the added pressure of trying to compete with another person for their heart. I can't image the the stress of impressing them and preventing them from saying "I can't believe I left my spouse for you!".

Not to mention constant worries that one of them will get fed up and cheat should something happen to turn them off. Since they entered into a relationship with deceipt and infadelity it goes without reason that there will be doubts about each others personal relationships with the opposite sex. The same can be said about your exe's relationship however casual with you and your kids. So there's a codependency issue they have with each other and trust issues that won't be easily resolved. "If they cheated on their spouse.... will they cheat on me?"

Last but not least let's discuss the speed of the relationship once we're out of the picture and it can become "official". Without us there to remind them of prior commitments the affair takes off faster than it had before and promises are made to keep them attached. I hear a lot of stories from day to day about about boy meeting girl (and we've all been in that story ) and realizing it was love at first sight but wanting to get to know them better first, even when you had fantasies of marriage. What few people remember is how we wanted to say "I love you" and all the things that come later in a relationship but waiting for the fight moment to see if the person was right. Spouses in affairs don't do this as the OM/OW will pressure them to say it to get control and keep them attached. I know of affair partners who promised marriage and children but kept giving rain checks once they were in a committed relationship with the WAS.

So what do you people at TAM think of my ideas?

2nd_t!me iz_best

i think you hit it right on.

another thing i noticed with my wifes affairs, she thought in each of them they were going to live happily ever after, but, once she was free from me, and the excitement of sneaking around was gone, the other men suddenly wanted nothing to do with her.

that_girl

That's because they didn't want the responsiblity of her. They just wanted to play house and screw.

__________________

dalvin_au

I guess when we all started off in our own relationships - IE: No complications, (Boy meets Girl or vice versa) - our partners feel in love with us...for who we are...warts and all.

Put simply, each of our WS chose us for who we are once upon a time.

When each WS goes to the OM/OW - they go their to fill a missing void. And when the OM/OW cannot fill it...only then does the WS realise...their utter stupidity and error.

Thats when they break.

Really really break.

And that my friends, only comes from the realisation/awakening. Nsweet - spot on, bravo!

hisfac

Yes to all of the posts above, but so what?

They're no longer a part of your life, so who cares if their affair partner dumps them or vice versa or if the relationship flourishes for years or flounders after a month?

They are no longer your concern or your problem.

That's where you want to be. Your own happiness and satisfaction in life is independent of your ex spouse's success or failures in their own relationships. If you don't adopt this attitude, you haven't really healed and what happens if it actually works out with the OM or OW? Sometimes it actually does. Then what?

isla~mama

Wasn't it James Bond who said he prefers married women because "it keeps things simple?"

WadeWilson

80/20...
In the affair you are the 80 they don't realize...
But they fall for that 20 that the OM/Ow promise them...
Now WW's believe they are everything ignorant of your 80...
When they have them all to themselves, they finally see them as just a... 20...
Now they want their 80 back....

__________________
Your Argument Is Invalid....
....That's Why.

cantmove

I'm banking on this theory. While I'm moving ahead with divorce and healing, I'd like to think that he gets hit in the head with a 2x4 one day when he realizes his stupidity. And, that I was right about him living on fantasy island.

Unhappy2011

Jesus that gave me a headache trying to read it.

I can't relate because I never cheated. When I was unhappy I ended it clean. I am now giving myself time living alone to truly heal so to speak and become the person I really want to be.

I am happy right now alone.

That op is just insanity.
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Nsweet

Another thing I like to bring up when mentioning affairs is true love and acceptance.

Men:
You wake up everyday to the lovely sight of your wife drooling all over the pillow with messy hair and crap in her eyes. She rolls out of bed and drags her feet around the kitchen in granny panties and one of your stained t-shirts with no bra. She used to look like a J-WOW and now she looks like J-MOM of three or four with a budah belly and stretch marks. You've seen her nag you to death and start arguments over the stupidest things, which you can't win btw. You've seen her turn into a raging b**** you couldn't handle yet you still ran out to buy a half pint of chocolate ice cream and a romance movie for the PMS monster at home. You've held her hair when she was sick and held her gently when you made "love". You've been there to see just how mean, disgusting, bitter, angry, gross, chubby, annoying, and hurtful she could be and you still loved her.


Women:
You wake up everyday to the lovely smells of halatosis and whatever you made for dinner from the blanket hog beside you. He drags his feet around the house in a single pair of undies past their expiration date with stubble and body odor. He's gone from out of season to out of shape with a belly and possibly A cups over the years. You've seen him yell over the stupidist things and start those arguments he can't remember later on, but you love watching him get flustered over those arguments and try to win anyways. You've seen him do exactly what you told him not to do and even little things that surprised you. You've seen him turn into a disgusting pig and wild stallion in the sheets. You don't know why but he cares enough to run out and buy you chocolate ice cream and your favorite movie for no reason when you're upset. You've cleaned up his messes and raised his children. You've held his hand and hold his heart. You've been there to see just how angry, loud, disgusting, sexual, gross, perverted, and hurtful he could be and you still loved him.

The Other People:
These affair partners won't put up with who we really know and deal with daily. Do you thing those people would share the same bed night after night, let alone the same bathroom, if they knew what we had to put up with day after day? Even if the affair has been going on for a while I doubt they ever spent long enough to see the bad traits. How we've had to deal with the same bad attitude and same bad habits that came with the person we fell in love with. We've heard the same jokes and still laughed and the same arguments over the same situations we still found them interesting. We've had the same sex for years and know what it takes to get our spouses off and know what their turn on are. If you think about it these OP have some pretty stiff competition to keep them (which they won't). Even if marriage happens they have to keep pretending to be perfect other wise the WAS will realize they blew two marriages for that person. Image the guilt that comes from breaking up with the AP and losing both people, because by that time you wouldn't be an option.

My Situation:
I don't know about you guys but I loved my fat ugly wife and never asked her to change. She blew up to 180 when we we're together so I reached for a second dessert at lunch and lifted weights until I could pick her up like it was nothing, just because I didn't want her to feel bad. I listened when she wanted to yell at me took mental notes so I could change. When she wanted to talk I listened and actually cared about her problems. When she was hungry because her dad stepped out with the paycheck AGAIN, I bought her pizza internationally so she could eat that day. We made studying for college a team effort and I made sure she graduated. When she came home with body aches I gave her a full length massage. I learned from my dad who was a massage therapist and a bunch of books. I gave it my all in bed and read books to keep me on top of my game, as well as natural PE to keep my mojo and keep me big. I could give her cunnilingus daily, and did, but never pressed her for sex. We shared quite an experience living together as husband in a navy submarine community, and the ups and downs of an LDR. As far as I'm concerned the OM was dead in the water the moment she divorced me for him. I may not be perfect and God knows I had my issues back then, but I did a lot more than the average guy would and the loser she's with will never live up to me. You can read my other threads to hear about him.

Nsweet

If you can't relate then why did you post? This first sentence should have clued you in that this is about OW/OM stealing spouses in an affair.

Kurosity

The OW would never put up with the things my H is and has done and does. That is a simple fact. ( I should have gave him to her and she would have brought him right back like someone with buyers remorse lol)

I veiw the affairs as feeling more like the honey moon phase of a relationship (I have never had one so I am taking a stab at this idea). Like when you first started seeing your SO. I am sure you were not acting like a disgusting pig or a peeing with the door open. Really I think that is the reason cheaters get confused about the reality and leave for a person who is going to become all thoes things their SO was that they did not like.

I think after the fog has lifted and they see the OM/OW for what they really are it would be said, "I can not believe I left my spouse for you."

Unhappy2011

Lol. I figured that out after I posted. So sue me.

Still free yourself of caring what they are doing. Easier said than done I know, but once you get it you get it
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Nsweet

Exactly! Since there's really nothing better to do but wait for my W's affair to end. I'm just going to sit back in a lawn chair with my bag of popcorn and cotton candy waiting for the cresendo in Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture, while the fireworks shoot off and the relationship breaks down.

At this point it's almost comical knowing the loser that he is, is trying so hard to impress upon her and out due the things her husband did. You know what's going to happen next in the affair and it's just like watching a fireworks show, exciting from a far for the people watching and scary as hell up close for those setting it off.

Unhappy2011

^why don't you divorce her?
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