It is happening, and it sucks.
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Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

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Old 03-28-2012, 12:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It is happening, and it sucks.

I've been lurking on here for a few months, while my marriage of 11 years has been going downhill...

I'm 40, my wife 38. Married 11 years, together for 13. 4 kids, 9 (DD), 6(S), 3(DD), and 1(S).

Around Halloween, my wife expressed serious concerns about the future of our marriage. Says that she wasn't happy and couldn't believe that I was happy either. I did what I always did - I reassured her that everything was fine and that I would try harder to make sure that everything was O.K.

The thing is, every thing I was trying was wrong. We didn't communicate, so I was assuming what she wanted and I assumed she could read my mind about what I wanted. Obviously, now, that doesn't work.

I've received the "you're not a bad father", "I don't hate you", "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech. According to her, we've "lost the connection" and she isn't sure if we ever had it.

We live in the United States. When we met, she lived here, and I lived in Canada. We met through work and things took off from there. We had to make a decision on where we were going to live if we were to stay together and initially we decided on Canada. We were married there and spent the first 6 years of our marriage there, along with the first two kids. As time went on, she was staying at home with the kids, I was working a lot, and our friends started having families of their own and moved around, she was left alone. This was hard on her as she is a naturally social person and required that adult interaction and she wasn't getting it. We agreed to move back to the United States, closer to her family and friends who still lived in the area.

We've been to MC and IC a few times. For her, all it had done is confirm what she is feeling - that there is no connection and that she is done. She wants to keep it amicable for the kids, but I am crushed inside. I feel so much for her that it hurts that she sees no chance to keep it together.

She is planning on separation. She won't admit it, but she is. Checking credit scores, looking at house listings, etc. She is just waiting for the moment when she has her ducks in a row to break it off.

It sucks.

Unfortunately, I'll be totally alone. I do not have any family down here. And the family I do have will not be supportive after the breakup. My parents never really approved with my choice to marry my wife or move down here because she is American. Instead of help, they will offer passive-aggressive comments about when I will be moving the kids back up north so that it benefits them, and away from the "ruinous American culture". I never had many friends growing up, and the ones I did have have grown apart due to time and distance. Besides (cynically), my friends became my wife's friends and, as she is the more social and interactive person, I can't depend that they will be there for me.

It really is terrifying that you could be so alone.

I'm going to fight for my kids though - I'm not sure she is planning on that. If she wants to break up the family, she is going to have to leave. I am not leaving our house. I have nowhere to go, I am not abandoning the kids by going back to Canada, and I've paid for the mortgage.

It is hard for me to know that she is discussing our relationship with her friends, and that they are giving her advice and will support her when I do not have that same luxury. I'm not throwing myself on the cross here - both my wife and I are responsible for where we find ourselves. But she is better positioned to move on that I am. I am flabbergasted that she doesn't want to try (she has said as much). We have so much going for us that it makes no sense to me to throw it all away instead of trying for it. It is just me fighting for it now.

There is no worse feeling than regret - regret that you didn't try something, or were scared of a reaction, or didn't want to fail. Regret is what I am going to take out of this. I wish I weren't here.

A lesson to anyone else reading who might be conflicted on how they feel. Make sure you have to live with regret. Rejection and disappointment fade. They become "stories" after a while. Something to share with the people you care about.

Never stop talking to those you love. They will respond and you will be positive for the experience.

I am going to move forward. It will hurt, and might never be what I am about to lose. But I hope to never live with regret anymore.

Last edited by EADGBe; 03-28-2012 at 02:13 PM. Reason: Bah! Bad grammer...
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

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Originally Posted by EADGBe View Post

I am flabbergasted that she doesn't want to try (she has said as much). We have so much going for us that it makes no sense to me to throw it all away instead of trying for it. It is just me fighting for it now.
The only reason she doesn't want to try is because she is seeing someone else already.
She doesn't see the connection between you two because she found a connection with other person.
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

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The only reason she doesn't want to try is because she is seeing someone else already.
She doesn't see the connection between you two because she found a connection with other person.
That`s what it sounds like to me too.
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

Agreed with Tacoma and Scione- stbxh fed me all the same lines and denied, denied, denied there was someone else- until i caught the text messages....
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The only reason she doesn't want to try is because she is seeing someone else already.
She doesn't see the connection between you two because she found a connection with other person.
Right - the affair. Does it exist?

PA? Pretty sure no. EA? Pretty sure yes. She will never admit it, obviously. Inquiries about it are "He's just a friend" and "we only talk about work". And they do talk about work. Their jobs require them to be in contact during the day. They rarely communicate at night, but when they do, it is apparently about work. Can't confirm it, since she deletes all text messages, no matter who sends them, even me.

Am I too trusting? Probably.

She has a relationship with the (potential) EA's girlfriend. The two of them have a child together and we donated many item such as clothes and toys to them.

The thing is, I've asked my wife about her and the potential EA person. She says they fight a lot at work. But she also tells me that something we lack is "passion" in our relationship - something she had with her previous boyfriends - and part of that passion is the ups and downs that went on with them.

We rarely fought. I think neither one of us wanted to hurt the others feelings and I am a more calm and steady person by nature. Boring, if you were, which I think is part of her problem with me.

She said many times in the past that she would never cheat, and would be unforgiving if I ever cheated on her. Again, I do not suspect a PA.

EA? Well... Following advice and history from people on here, I've done some "snooping". I've checked the browsing history on her laptop. Last week, she had googled and read a bunch of articles on emotional affairs. I don't know if she thought I was having one, or she was conflicted about herself.

Me, I'm lonely. I have no one other than my wife here, and have lost track of all people I used to know in Canada. Does she feel guilt? Could be. She won't tell me. The MC asked her is she fantisized about anyone else, and she responded about a concept of someone.

Circumstancial evidence points to an EA. I know that. I feel that I can't compete. She's got the greener grass on the other side in her mind. All I can do now is prepare myself for a future without her.

Doesn't mean is doesn't hurt like hel... er, heck.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

Unlike some others, I understand because there is no OM in my situation as well.

I'm processing this alone too. When my wife checked out a few years ago, we were still married and I assumed she was happy. Now, who do I rely on to process this?

It's frustrating my wife won't try for the children. They would want us to. Because during our M, there was no fighting, addiction, affair, abuse, etc. Even our friends and family question why and how we got to this point.

Looking back, was I responsible for the demise of our M? Yes. But, how do I learn and correct for past mistakes if I'm not given a chance?

I've heard the "you're a great father, ILYBINILWY, I don't know if I could ever love you again, you deserve someone so much better, I don't feel in love, let's be good friends"

My wife and I both appreciate each other as parents. That's why custody will be 50-50 and family interaction will be regular.

But, it hurts. It's truly a battle in the mind. And a battle I was not prepared to fight at this time.....
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

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Unlike some others, I understand because there is no OM in my situation as well.

I'm processing this alone too. When my wife checked out a few years ago, we were still married and I assumed she was happy. Now, who do I rely on to process this?

It's frustrating my wife won't try for the children. They would want us to. Because during our M, there was no fighting, addiction, affair, abuse, etc. Even our friends and family question why and how we got to this point.

Looking back, was I responsible for the demise of our M? Yes. But, how do I learn and correct for past mistakes if I'm not given a chance?

I've heard the "you're a great father, ILYBINILWY, I don't know if I could ever love you again, you deserve someone so much better, I don't feel in love, let's be good friends"

My wife and I both appreciate each other as parents. That's why custody will be 50-50 and family interaction will be regular.

But, it hurts. It's truly a battle in the mind. And a battle I was not prepared to fight at this time.....
Thanks Jayb. I am happy (only for myself, not for you) to know that there is someone else out there that is going through what I am. I hate that you are doing it, but I want you to know that I understand it and I feel for you. Even if no one else can. I wish you the better luck than what I hope comes my way.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

my stbxh affair was just a long distance EA.....
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Old 03-28-2012, 03:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

there's no OW in my split either - probably an EA or two with women he was chatting to on the internet

he didn't even want to try either but I don't feel crushed, in fact I feel a little guilty that I don't feel as upset as I should
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Old 03-29-2012, 12:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

The biggest problem for me is that she doesn't even want to try. She says she is done trying. I asked her if she wanted to go away for a weekend - no kids, not expectations, just try and have some fun. She didn't respond at all.
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Old 03-29-2012, 01:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

Can you get a backup of her deleted text's? or check them through online account?
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Old 03-29-2012, 01:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

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Originally Posted by EADGBe View Post
The biggest problem for me is that she doesn't even want to try. She says she is done trying. I asked her if she wanted to go away for a weekend - no kids, not expectations, just try and have some fun. She didn't respond at all.
we had one already booked for our 10th wedding anniversary - 3 star michelin restaurant, lovely hotel where we spent our wedding night - I cancelled it all

at least I didn't drop over a thousand pounds on a pointless weekend I guess!

we're getting divorced now - I don't want someone who doesn't want me

but I do wish you luck, the rejection stings but it gets better x
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Old 03-29-2012, 01:56 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is happening, and it sucks.

If you think shes just biding her time till its right to go and she will not try at all then I would make sure to start documenting everything and try to get copies of any texts and emails. JMHO

She does not need to know your doing it and you may never need it but if you do later on then you have it.

My husband and I have been arguing non stop for months and for my own sanity I started keeping a journal to document our arguments and good days (ive even started to see patterns emerging).It makes me feel better and I know if things get really bad that I will be able to recall why. It may come in handy if we end up in court.

Last edited by mommyofthree; 03-29-2012 at 02:03 PM.
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Can you get a backup of her deleted text's? or check them through online account?
We both have iPhones, as does the potential EA person, so they go through the new iMessage service and don't show up against the text message count on the bill. She deletes them as soon as she gets them so there is nothing to check...
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Old 03-29-2012, 02:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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we had one already booked for our 10th wedding anniversary - 3 star michelin restaurant, lovely hotel where we spent our wedding night - I cancelled it all

at least I didn't drop over a thousand pounds on a pointless weekend I guess!

we're getting divorced now - I don't want someone who doesn't want me

but I do wish you luck, the rejection stings but it gets better x
I hope you are right about the getting better part. It is tough to believe that, but it is part of the grieving process I suppose.

I am so scared and sorry for our kids. How will I be able to look at them again knowing that we failed at our relationship. What a terrible example.
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