Her family is insane. Her parents cheated on each other and eventually divorced. Her mom went through a lot of men over the years. Her family worships money. They backstabbing each other for inheritance and stuff.
She has 2 older brothers. One in jail for selling drugs. Another one got a woman pregnant while in school and now living with the woman. His kid is about 12 years old now. None of her brothers ever hold a job longer than 3 months. They just living off their grandparents.
I'm not trying to bad mouth anyone, but it's the truth.
My family just yell at each other, it's like a way we show love or something. We are financially stable and each person responsible for his/her self. We don't ask anyone for anything. That's how I was raised and I'm an only child.
I don't want to sound harsh but you need to get this piece of **** out of your life. She is damaging you. Every day you hang on to the forlorn hope that she will be the woman you want, you take another step closer to the abyss. She will never be that woman, don't kid yourself. Do yourself a favour, walk away and don't look back.
It's crazy how's there's always a friend who is not a friend of the marriage that influences W or H to cheat an stray. In my case there is a friend who I believe have not given her the best advice she could give. Her friend goes to clubs a lot and the OM is close to her. What a surprise!
Oh yes, none of my wife's friends are married. Most of them have kids, but none has a husband. Most divorced. I can see the pattern. Don't know what kind of advice they are giving her, but I know she is definitely listening to them. I can imagine them saying, "if you're not happy just find another man," or "Being single is fun, why stay married."
This woman doesn't sound like someone you could ever trust. You can love someone but still know that they can never be a wife or husband. It's easy to tell someone "just get over it, you deserve better", but it's harder to do, especially when you can't get over it and you don't feel like you DO deserve better. But lying down like a dog and taking it isn't going to help anyone. Not you, for sure, and not her, either. Going along with her whims like calling you and asking you to say you love her, things like that, is not helping her or you.
You just gotta be tough. I'm not gonna play bad cop like Bandit, because he already said it, but it's true. Don't look at yourself as a victim, or someone who is helpless. Your life isn't easy right now, for sure, but it's up to YOU to fix it. And unless your wife comes back to YOU begging, that, probably means moving on.
I'm not surprised to hear her childhood home was filled with neglect, anger, and abandonment. What you describe of her behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when not getting her way) screams of an emotionally broken person.
She's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because she's simply terrified to actually commit/submit to a man. She likely distrusts all men and holds them in contempt. You see, people who should not have hurt her DID hurt her a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for her anger towards them.
Marriage counseling is not what she needs.
Individual counseling IS what she needs - with a focus on her interactions with you - and how she can get past her own anger and the resulting dismissal of your needs in your relationship.
Keep in mind that some people actually attend therapy simply to nurse their own internal anger. Of course, this gets nowhere. Then they end up repeating the same old mistakes for the rest of their lives. They are miserable and they blame everyone but themselves.
The people that hurt her aren't here.
Now, she's paying it forward.
It can stop here. But, she's going to need to fix herself. She's the only one that can.
You taking her crap doesn't help her a bit.
Most importantly, it does nothing positive for you.
So, quit thinking there's "something" you can do that will make her become who you want her to be. And, quit blaming yourself. Her issues are hers alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by scione
Her family is insane. Her parents cheated on each other and eventually divorced. Her mom went through a lot of men over the years. Her family worships money. They backstabbing each other for inheritance and stuff.
She has 2 older brothers. One in jail for selling drugs. Another one got a woman pregnant while in school and now living with the woman. His kid is about 12 years old now. None of her brothers ever hold a job longer than 3 months. They just living off their grandparents.
I'm not trying to bad mouth anyone, but it's the truth.
My family just yell at each other, it's like a way we show love or something. We are financially stable and each person responsible for his/her self. We don't ask anyone for anything. That's how I was raised and I'm an only child.
For better or for worse is not when the other spouse goes out partying, drinking, clubbing, sleeping with others.
For better or worse is when we are at a low point of our lives like unemployment or a major injury.
I broke my neck 4 years ago and my husband stands by my side every step of the way! We work together as a team in raising our children and making each other happy.
Not going out clubbing and meeting others wondering if someone better comes along putting you on the back burner. I agree with you, she's not ready to raise children yet.
What makes her think she'll be ready in a year? What if you wait, but she decides there's someone else to take your place?
Personally, I would NOT wait. It's now or never. There are other women who will love and respect you at this moments time.
How did you react when she asked you to say that you loved her.
Next time you meet/see her ,deny her. Deny her any validation. She doesn't look great. You don't care how she looks. You don't care if she lost weight. If she is fishing for compliments, cut her off(Does my ass look big in this dress? Yes). If she asks whether you love her, tell her that you don't and you regret the day you met her. Stop doing things for her. Think of doing these things as acting. Fake it until you make it. You still have a lot of emotional attachment to her. The longer you fake it, the better you will get at detachment.
How did you react when she asked you to say that you loved her.
Next time you meet/see her ,deny her. Deny her any validation. She doesn't look great. You don't care how she looks. You don't care if she lost weight. If she is fishing for compliments, cut her off(Does my ass look big in this dress? Yes). If she asks whether you love her, tell her that you don't and you regret the day you met her. Stop doing things for her. Think of doing these things as acting. Fake it until you make it. You still have a lot of emotional attachment to her. The longer you fake it, the better you will get at detachment.
She asked me on the phone. I froze a little bit, thinking of what I should say. I asked her why, but I didn't really listen to her answer. I then told her I love her. There's no point of lying.
I'll try your suggestion, but I don't usually lie, to anyone. I'll just keep quiet instead.
Let me ask you this. Be honest. Do you think that loving her is the superior thing to do?(As compared to removing her from your life) That still loving her despite all she did to you somehow proves that you love was more deeper and genuine ? Are you loving her for yourself?
Let me ask you this. Be honest. Do you think that loving her is the superior thing to do?(As compared to removing her from your life) That still loving her despite all she did to you somehow proves that you love was more deeper and genuine ? Are you loving her for yourself?
It's not about her anymore.
It's about scione - and the image of her his right brain won't allow him to release.
Let me ask you this. Be honest. Do you think that loving her is the superior thing to do?(As compared to removing her from your life) That still loving her despite all she did to you somehow proves that you love was more deeper and genuine ? Are you loving her for yourself?
I don't think loving her is superior thing to do, but I don't know how to unlove someone. If you do, please feel free to share. Right now I'm just expressing/acting the way I feel. I wish I know a way to get her out of my head. Doing something else will just temporary help me stop thinking about her. If possible, I want to completely forget about her.
I don't think loving her is superior thing to do, but I don't know how to unlove someone. If you do, please feel free to share. Right now I'm just expressing/acting the way I feel. I wish I know a way to get her out of my head. Doing something else will just temporary help me stop thinking about her. If possible, I want to completely forget about her.
Do you truly understand how badly she is treating you? I don't want to be overly dramatic but you are at a crossroads with your life.
You can go straight across but believe me, when you get another year down the road, she won't have changed and you will be right back at the same crossroads. How many years do you want to waste on this pointless journey? How many times do you want to arrive at the same crossroads?
My advice? turn left, turn right but don't go straight ahead, there's only more of the same. Stand up for yourself. Snap out of it, she will never be the woman you want her to be. You deserve better, much better and there are women out there who will give you that.
There are certain times in life where you have to logically set out a correct path of actions you need to take and basically say p*ss off to your emotions.
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Re: What's wrong with me? 
