My story sounds a little unbelievable but I am 100% honest that this is what I am going through.
I separated with my wife back in June last year after a 3 year marriage and 11 years together. I was given no real reason just that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and no longer loved me. I was crushed. I couldn't believe what had gone on and how I had lost my wife. It took me a good couple of months to get out of my depressive state.
We own a house and decided that we could separate with no acrimony and continue to live as flat mates as neither of us wanted to take a financial hit on the house (we have no kids). We were getting on well.
I then met an amazing woman in late October. I have been 100% honest with her and she accepts my situation she is amazing.
I had got my head straight and was enjoying life and am in love so much with my new girlfriend.
Yesterday my wife came clean and told me she was seeing someone else. I was happy for her. I wish her all the best and hope that this person makes her happy. As I had worked through it all I bared no sexual feeling or that type of love for my wife and I was pleased that we were both moving on.
Then she dropped a bombshell that it was a woman and she is a lesbian. Now I just want to be clear I have no problems with homosexuality at all. I was calm with her and said "I am glad you have found someone" etc. She also assured me that she had never cheated on me.
The problem is I keep dwelling on it and I am starting to feel angry. I feel angry that she didn't tell me when we first split so I could have had a real reason for the separation. I would have also know we were not splitting up because of anything I had done etc
I also feel angry as I believe that you don't become a lesbian over night. So I feel like I have wasted the last decade of my life investing in a relationship that was never going to work. I feel angry that she let us get married and buy a house that we are now stuck with. I feel angry that I agreed not to have kids (which I desperately wanted) as my ex didn't want them because I loved her. This stopped me from finding someone else in that time frame who did.
It is eating me up at the moment and I am losing focus on my girlfriend who is an amazing woman who I am falling in love with.
I feel no desire and never have done to get back with my ex but I am filled with anger. I had genuinely worked through the breakdown in my marriage and had moved on. I was in a fantastic place mentally.
well bear in mind that while you don't become gay overnight, it can take years and years to come to terms with accepting it. While homosexuality is more open and acceptable these days, there is still a social stigma attached to it. She was probably told most of her life through family or friends that being gay is wrong or strange or not socially acceptable. She probably desperately wanted to believe she wasn't gay and tried to shoehorn herself into a proper heterosexual marriage figuring that she would eventually be happy and that her younger days of attraction to other women was just a "phase".
But we know it didn't work out that way did it?
and it sucks for you
So, I do understand your ire as you were the guy caught up in her confusion and emotional conflict, as nobody deserves that treatment.
Perhaps one day your ex-wife will be able to apologize to you for that. I'm willing to bet that you will likely forgive her for it before or if she ever forgives herself and is able to do that.
So, yes- get angry but don't let the anger control you. At least you can take some solace in the fact that your marriage was doomed no matter what. Nothing you could have done would have stopped it from failing and therefore nothing you did caused the end of it. It was always out of your control.
So get angry and then grieve and then do as you have done so well already, which is moving on and determining your own happiness.
I am a nice guy. In many situations I am probably a bit too nice. I never cheated always cared and made the separation so easy for her. So I genuinely do wish her happiness. I am just angry after the investment of love into the relationship. I feel a bit cheated.
I understand it is hard for her especially as she found out she is gay. BUT surely I deserved the truth when she decided to end our marriage.
She also told me how unhappy she was towards the end. Because she was trying to be someone who she wasn't. She even told me she had contemplated suicide before she broke up with me. I didn't have a clue. We never argued in our relationship, always went out together and I believed we were happy. There was not much sex but I thought that was normal after 11 years.
I now feel angry that I made her so unhappy that she contemplated taking an overdose.
and yes you deserved the truth
you deserved better
you deserve a loving and honest partner
and unfortunately she isn't the person who is capable giving you what you needed or deserved. I would imagine that this is very similar to the same feeling of betrayal I got with my wife's infidelity so I understand your conflicted emotions.
But know this- this was never your fault, this was out of your control, you were operating in a marriage without all of the facts and you can't possibly expect to have made it "better" even if you did know.
and yes you deserved the truth
you deserved better
you deserve a loving and honest partner
and unfortunately she isn't the person who is capable giving you what you needed or deserved. I would imagine that this is very similar to the same feeling of betrayal I got with my wife's infidelity so I understand your conflicted emotions.
But know this- this was never your fault, this was out of your control, you were operating in a marriage without all of the facts and you can't possibly expect to have made it "better" even if you did know.
Thanks. Deep down I know you are right.
I just cannot lose the anger at the moment.
I cannot let it consume me or my new relationship. It is just hard!!!!
just don't let it control you, tell your new GF why you are angry, I am sure she will be understanding
your anger will subside, eventually you feel pity and sorrow for your ex and after that you will likely not feel much at all for her. The opposite of love is not hate- it's indifference and it takes time to get there
is there any way you can speed up your situation from separation to divorce?
just don't let it control you, tell your new GF why you are angry, I am sure she will be understanding
your anger will subside, eventually you feel pity and sorrow for your ex and after that you will likely not feel much at all for her. The opposite of love is not hate- it's indifference and it takes time to get there
is there any way you can speed up your situation from separation to divorce?
I have been 100% open and honest with my new girlfriend. She is amazing and knows about the lesbian thing. She is really supportive and says she is there to help and support me. And she understands that I am not emotionally tied to the ex but just angry about the 'waste'.
I like my ex as a friend. She is a good person. So I don't really want to pity her. I genuinely wish her the best. But I just feel cheated. Maybe just a bit raw at the moment.
We don't want to divorce before the house is sold. This may take some time.
You didn't make your ex unhappy. Your EX made herself unhappy by choosing to lie to you and to get married to you.
Its like someone who takes a job, not because they love the work, but because they think it will make them rich. Then they don't put effort into it, then they blame the job for making them unhappy. The job didn't anything wrong by them - it was them lying that caused the problem.
So yeah. You have a complete right to be very angry at your Ex for lying to you.
I have been 100% open and honest with my new girlfriend. She is amazing and knows about the lesbian thing. She is really supportive and says she is there to help and support me. And she understands that I am not emotionally tied to the ex but just angry about the 'waste'.
I like my ex as a friend. She is a good person. So I don't really want to pity her. I genuinely wish her the best. But I just feel cheated. Maybe just a bit raw at the moment.
We don't want to divorce before the house is sold. This may take some time.
You might want to rethink your waiting until the sale if it's going to take a while. It's keeping you from getting on with your life and to stop wasting more time on your ex.
You didn't make your ex unhappy. Your EX made herself unhappy by choosing to lie to you and to get married to you.
Its like someone who takes a job, not because they love the work, but because they think it will make them rich. Then they don't put effort into it, then they blame the job for making them unhappy. The job didn't anything wrong by them - it was them lying that caused the problem.
So yeah. You have a complete right to be very angry at your Ex for lying to you.
Yup. That is how I feel. I am trying so hard not to let it consume me and ruin things with my Girlfriend.
You might want to rethink your waiting until the sale if it's going to take a while. It's keeping you from getting on with your life and to stop wasting more time on your ex.
I was over it and moving forward. Living with the ex was great, building my relationship with the girlfriend was great etc
If it had been another man, I would have been delighted for her. I want her to be happy and if that is with a woman then fine. But the consequence of it being a woman is that I have been lied to.
I am sure I will be able to rationalise it and be ok with it. BUT i just need to release the anger somehow.
I have a female friend that was in the same situation. She was married for 5 or so years. The had regular sex. Don't know if she "enjoyed" it. I didn't want that much info. The divorce was friendly. I think they did most of it themself. They both moved on.
Then she went out with some friends, one was also divorced with kids and they both hit it off really well. Lots of chemistry. From what she told me, it was the first gay experience for both of them.
I don't think she set out to hurt you. I think she probably really loves you, or wanted to. Don't let it eat you up!
Write her a handwritten letter and give it to her. Outline your hurt and anger in full detail. Don't be there when she reads it and don't respond to anything she says. Tell her once the D is finalized you want no more contact. The friendship is over.
I would never remain friends with a liar like her. Posted via Mobile Device
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Just found out my Ex is a Lesbian 
