NotLikeYou

Well, er......

To me, tough love would be saying something along the lines of "SD212, you ignorant ****.... You're being a butthead, stop doing that NOW!"

(Which I have been guilty of doing in the past, to other hapless posters)

My intent was to point out to SD212 that his focus is on his wife, what she says, and what she is inflicting on him.

He states at length and in detail how she is mean, messed up, crazy, and so on. And she probably is.

But as long as he is paying attention to her, her wants, and what she is doing, he is ignoring himself, other than to feel pain because she is not doing the things HE wants her to do.

That's his choice, of course. But it is important to point out that he has other choices.

He can choose to continue to place her feelings and well being above his own, while enduring her abusive unfaithful behavior.

He can choose to end his marriage, and establish boundaries for his relationships going forward like "no, if you're with me, you can't have sex with other men."



Quite a few people post on TAM about their problems, but they are not necessarily looking for the quickest path to resolution. They might want outside opinions, or just some anonymous sympathy. Sometimes, they really DO want the best path out of their situation, but they just can't determine that path because they are caught up in the turmoil of the problem.

SD212 strikes me as the latter- he hates the situation he's in and wants it to go away, he just can't quite believe that his wife really doesn't love him and have his best interests in her heart.

He's going to figure that out one way or another, because that is the truth. It's just a matter of how much hell he is willing to suffer to gain that wisdom.

All we can do is sympathize, and try to give him our best opinions and advice along the way. It's his life- he has to be the one to do the things that matter.

sd212

For anyone still following this saga. I did what I believe is the right thing, told her I wanted to sign as soon as possible, scheduled the appt., did not go over to her place as planned.
Felt very good about all of it for a bit but it took me 2 hours to work up the courage to "cancel" on our plans. I was with friends last night and am sure that I did the right thing.

Don't feel so great this morning. Very lonely and wanting to see my kids. This is not what my heart wants to do but I know I must in order to survive. Thankfully I have plans for tonight with friends but it all just leaves me so empty compared to my wife. I miss her and crave her so badly but there is nothing I can do but hard 180 and move on. Zero motivation for winning her back, it is only for me now.

NotLikeYou, you're right about me btw. Your posts are hard to read but are spot on.

My wife coming back (even if it was only for a day) was an eye opening experience for me and has given me the strength to do what I have to do. It is all so horrible but it is all so real.

NotLikeYou

Argh. SD, believe it or not, I'm trying to leave the emotions out of things, mainly because you're already torn up emotionally.

I've been telling you what you CAN do, so let me try to give you a boost by explaining WHY you can make it through this situation.

Life has handed you a terrible ordeal that you have to pass through. You can delay it (you have already done that) but it has to be dealt with sooner or later. It is going to change you completely, in some ways for the better, and in some ways for the worse.

But the good news (and it really is good news) is that you are going to make it through this thing.


You don't have to be a dominant man, with a superior intellect, to recognize that your situation is damaging to you and that you need to change it.

You just have to be an average guy, who has average self confidence, including the knowledge that you're going to muddle through life mostly okay.

You don't have to be the champion who never loses. You just have to know when to cut your losses and move on.

You don't have to spend your life in misery, pining after a lost love. You just have to think well enough of yourself to require that a decent woman be loyal to you and not be real mean during the day-to-day stuff.

You don't have to have the rest of your life planned out in minute detail. You just have to know that tomorrow is going to come, and you're going to be okay on your own merits. You have to be "comfortable in your own skin."


The fact that you can even type up coherent posts about what is going on proves that you have what it takes to make it through.

You're already starting the process of filling up your life by doing things with your friends (true friends are worth their weight in gold).

The only thing you're guilty of is loving someone too much. On the scale of faults and mistakes, that isn't anywhere near the worst failing.

YOU can hold your head high when this is over. It may sound trite, but you're going to emerge from this with your dignity completely intact. Your wife will bear the burden of her mistakes for the rest of her life.

But its not about her any more.

The important people here are you, and your children. Be the best man you can be, for yourself and for them (and for your friends). Do that, and everything else will sort itself out.

bandit.45

SD, if I may, one piece of advise I would also like to give you is to check on getting some counseling for codependency. From what I have read, I think you may have a problem with this. You are way to reliant on your wife to validate who you are. You are not self-validating, and until you learn to do that you will only seek out another person to be codependent on. It will be a vicious cycle in your life unless you learn to break it.

sd212

Bandit - Oh, absolutely. No question. I have been in IC since she left but changed to a new therapist recently b/c my old one wasn't a good fit. As for codependency, it is pretty easy to see and I'm well aware of it now. In fact, it is probably the main reason she left me. I am very aware of this problem.

NotLikeyou - thanks again for the words of wisdom. You are incredibly well spoken and keen to the reality of the situation. I'll be reading your words frequently and that is really something for a "random" person on a forum. I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you posted.

On a side note, she called wanting to go to lunch and I said no thanks. I just got back from taking a run and I'm feeling better.

Lifescript

Bandit has pointed out and you also recognize
what is perhaps the biggest problem here (co-
dependency). That right there is huge. You are
ahead of the game. Many don't even know what
the problem is.

NLY has given you some great advice and words
of support. I moved out and Im not ok. Some
friends want to take me out to a bar/club but
really don't feel like it today, maybe later. I think
we are in similar situation missing the kid (s)
although you have gone through for longer.

When all is said and done you will be proud of
yourself. You will come out a survivor, not a
victim. Good luck SD.
Posted via Mobile Device

sd212

Lifescript: Who would want my opinion but I would encourage to go out with those friends who want to take you out. If not for the times with my friends I would be wallowing in sadness. It was a hard step for me to go out with them at first but now I really look forward to it each and every time. Tonight, for example, I'll be hanging out with a couple of new people that I don't normally hang out with and that feels great. I would never have done something like that before and it feels really good when you take the step.

I absolutely do intend to be a survivor and I will be. I would not expect to be anything other than sad in this situation but I can tell you that before she came back I was starting to get better. When she did, it set me back and made me realize I wasn't as good as I thought. Lesson learned for sure. I can't look back anymore and getting out there with friends is a really good way to look forward.

Lifescript

SD212: I'm thinking about it but really don't feel like it. It would be good since I'd be hanging out with some old friends. We'll see what happens. Your opinion is truly appreciated. Don't doubt it.

sd212

Come hang out with me anytime!

Lifescript

Ok. Maybe one day after all this is over we make a huge TAM bash in a specific location w/ bandit, shaggy, conrad, mamatomany, that_girl and everybody else.

One of my best friends called me and kind of convinced me to go out. He said he'll kill me if I don't go. He's kind of crazy so now I'm scared. LOL.