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Old 04-08-2012, 08:58 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

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Unfortunately the lease on our house has another 10 months left. The lease is in both names.

She called to have the boys say goodnight. My five year old always says just the right things to get me crying, "I told mommy I don't want to go to bed. I want to come to you to go to bed in your house." What a sweet little boy I have.
Is early termination possible?
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Old 04-08-2012, 09:22 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Does your wife's family know about her affair? Are they enabling it?
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:38 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Does your wife's family know about her affair? Are they enabling it?
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Here's the thing... I'm working on getting past it. She still doesn't think what she did was all that bad and she has her family convinced he's just a friend who is lending an ear. I have zero desire to try and convince them otherwise. I feel like putting effort into trying to "expose" her affair is only going to have me dwelling on it that much longer and I don't want to be in the situation.

She's made this decision. I'm trying to move past it and worry about me now.

Since yesterday I've tried to focus more on taking a hard 180. It's been damn difficult at times, but I know I have to do it.

I went out today and hung out with my brother for a few hours and now the kids are back home with me. The contact I've had with her since she took the kids yesterday was her calling to let the kids say goodnight to me, her calling at 1:30 today to ask where I was (she just got home with the boys), and me seeing her for maybe five minutes before she left for the rest of the afternoon. I asked nothing in either phone conversation, I gave short answers to the couple questions she asked (how was your day type stuff) and never responded with, "how about you?".

When I came home at 2:00 she asked if I had fun today, I said, "Yep." Then I talked just to the kids, asking what they'd done at grandmas, what they did today, and if they had fun. After a minute or two she said her goodbyes to the kids, told me she'd be back tonight, and started walking out the door. I stopped her and asked her if she was going to clean up the stuff her and the kids had laying around from the 30 minutes they were home. BOY did this ever strike a nerve. She picked up the stuff, said a in very annoyed voice, "I'll be back later", and out the door she went.

All that said, my body is feeling VERY stressed. I can't seem to calm myself enough to relax for even a minute. It's very tiring, but the act of trying to rest only makes things worse. Even sitting here and typing this feels very taxing.
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Old 04-09-2012, 03:27 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

You're doing great. You need some sleep I bet..The stress is getting to you physically. Keep on doing what you're doing..I know it's hard but don't give in.
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Old 04-09-2012, 04:58 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:45 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

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I stopped her and asked her if she was going to clean up the stuff her and the kids had laying around from the 30 minutes they were home. BOY did this ever strike a nerve. She picked up the stuff, said a in very annoyed voice, "I'll be back later", and out the door she went.
Excellent, you are not being her doormat. Good for you.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:13 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

I will need some added strength tonight. She just got home from her afternoon "out". It's ridiculously hard not prying into what she was up to. I have access to phone records and after she goes to bed I can check any e-mails she may send him before bed (and when I last looked on Saturday, she had been sending one every night)... What a horrible, horrible temptation that is.

But I won't check, I know I can't. I'm just worried it's going to drive me nuts if I'm honest. That said, I did not ask how her night was, the only thing I've said to her was "he's in bed, he didn't eat his dinner" and "they had burgers, apples, and veggies" in response to her asking where our youngest son was and why he was in bed. Now she's getting some laundry ready and playing games with our other son for a few minutes before bed.

Damn will I ever need help getting to sleep tonight.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:20 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

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I'm just worried they won't see it that way. After she left he blamed me for not being able to go with mommy. Absolutely broke my heart. I sat there crying with him for a couple minutes.

He's doing a little better now, but he's still pretty upset.

Deep breaths Mike, deep breaths.
My 8 yr old told me that I was the boss and I needed to tell daddy to get back home and he'd have to do it because I am the boss. I can laugh at it now, and probably did then too (I had just told him that dad moved out and not living w/ us anymore - he wouldn't tell them). They need it explained that you have no control over her because she is an adult and once he turns 18 you won't be able to tell him what to do. Let him know this isn't what you want and that you want mommy home too.

I know they say to put on a front w/ the kids that it is a joint decision but when you have absolutely no say in it I refuse to support lying to the kids. I see kids are much smarter than parents give them credit for. Besides having many of my own kids I also work w/ them and have seen too much fallout from family 'issues.'
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:55 PM   #69 (permalink)
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I know they say to put on a front w/ the kids that it is a joint decision but when you have absolutely no say in it I refuse to support lying to the kids. I see kids are much smarter than parents give them credit for. Besides having many of my own kids I also work w/ them and have seen too much fallout from family 'issues.'
We both sat down and talked with them about what was happening, but I refuse to lie to them. My oldest has had several comments and questions that have made me cry, when he asks why I'm crying I tell him. If she doesn't like it, too damn bad.

In other news, tonight before she went to bed we had a quick conversation:

Her: Did you have fun with the kids tonight?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Are you not talking to me anymore?
Me: Huh? I said yeah. What do you mean?
Her: You just seem different today.
Me: You've seen me for like five minutes all day.
Her: I know, you just feel different, I can't explain it.
Me (shrugging shoulders): Ok.

FWIW, I will keep updating this thread. I check it quite a bit throughout the day hoping for more replies/advice. I find it helps me a little to check in every so often and add any updates I might have, no matter how small.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:33 PM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

I remember when my hubby was doing the 180 and at the time I was clueless and I remember asking him the same thing..couldn't figure him out why he was acting so different.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:39 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

Bucks,

This 180 will work in your favour! Keep it up. Do not regress, do not let her will her way back to you. Keep going.

As far as the stress is concerned, I too went through the same thing. I got really sick, and mentally when my STBXW left us, I had to go to my Dads to get him to help my kids, while I just slept and prayed.

Get some sleep...stay off TAM for awhile and get rest. Eat well, no junk food, heaps of vegies and fruit. Ask help from your side of the family to look after the kids...dont ask her. Key is you, and your drive and confidence. This will take weeks my friend.

Really take care.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:49 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

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We both sat down and talked with them about what was happening, but I refuse to lie to them. My oldest has had several comments and questions that have made me cry, when he asks why I'm crying I tell him. If she doesn't like it, too damn bad.

In other news, tonight before she went to bed we had a quick conversation:

Her: Did you have fun with the kids tonight?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Are you not talking to me anymore?
Me: Huh? I said yeah. What do you mean?
Her: You just seem different today.
Me: You've seen me for like five minutes all day.
Her: I know, you just feel different, I can't explain it.
Me (shrugging shoulders): Ok.

FWIW, I will keep updating this thread. I check it quite a bit throughout the day hoping for more replies/advice. I find it helps me a little to check in every so often and add any updates I might have, no matter how small.

Good luck to you. It is inspiring because I can see the same responses.

I have had the difficult conversations with my children. I cry so easily. They used to ask if my eyes were sweating. Now, they just ask if I'm crying.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:50 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

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Bucks,

This 180 will work in your favour! Keep it up. Do not regress, do not let her will her way back to you. Keep going.

As far as the stress is concerned, I too went through the same thing. I got really sick, and mentally when my STBXW left us, I had to go to my Dads to get him to help my kids, while I just slept and prayed.

Get some sleep...stay off TAM for awhile and get rest. Eat well, no junk food, heaps of vegies and fruit. Ask help from your side of the family to look after the kids...dont ask her. Key is you, and your drive and confidence. This will take weeks my friend.

Really take care.
Funny enough, after our conversation about me acting differently, I felt much better... I almost instantly lost all desire to snoop around and I'm actually feeling kinda tired.

I don't normally go to bed quite this early, but I think I'm going to take advantage of this wonderful feeling of sleepiness and try to pass out now.

Also just had a friend invite me over for dinner tomorrow night. So when she gets home from work, I'm out the door!
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:02 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

Think of us here at TAM as your surrogate spouses. We are now filling the void your wife used to inhabit. Feel free to vent here and post your progress daily.

Besides, we all like to live vicariously through each other.
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Old 04-10-2012, 10:15 AM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA.

How are you doing today Buck? Did you get some sleep? I hope you'll listen to Almostrecovered, and see your doctor.
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