Again I feel ya man. I had a dream during my BullSheit, that my wife came up, and hugged me, and told me she loved me, etc. Then I woke up, and felt like crap.
IT GETS BETTER! it really does! You will only be able to take so much BS before you realize YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON, and YOU DESERVE BETTER! Once you realize that, its almost like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. Thats when all the pieces start falling into place. You won't care anymore, you will feel better, and your wife will be on the offensive wondering what you are doing!
Just keeping telling yourself you deserve better! Challange yourself to be better!
It's part of the 180. I'm guessing for a number of reasons...
1. I'd just be punishing myself, looking for information that can really only hurt me. I know she's talking to him, I know he's "more than a friend", we're no longer together, so what good does it do?
2. Let's say I don't find "enough". It just makes me that much more likely to question her, which is something I certainly don't need to do.
3. Let's say I find too much. Again, now I'm just punishing myself. Maybe now I'm angry, hurt, and I call her out. Yet another thing I don't need to do. Even if I don't call her out, now I'm hurting even more than before.
Maybe I'm wrong, but that's why I figure I'm not supposed to. It makes perfect sense to me, because every time I read an e-mail or other communication between them it tore me up. I only read those messages once or twice and I feel like I have them burned into my mind. I don't need more of that.
Right on, Buck. Exactly the reasons why we musn't spy on our exes. I did too, before, and it drove me mad.
I'm really torn on this spying question. All the points you make are valid about why not to do it but I guess i just had to know. It took me about 20 minutes to find everything I needed. Do I regret that, no? What I regret is when I went looking for more. The looking for more is what caused pain and does to this day. In fact, even now that it is out in the open I am devastated seeing things like greeting cards he as sent her and such. I don't go in her house anymore b/c it is toxic. This is a very hard decision but I would just insist that if you do it and find what you need, stop there.
This is a very hard decision but I would just insist that if you do it and find what you need, stop there.
I guess my point is there isn't anything I NEED to find. Our relationship is already over and I already know she had an EA that likely will turn physical if it hasn't already. Of course I'm very tempted at times to look, but I see nothing good that can come of it.
I KNOW I deserve better. The woman who is doing this to me is a complete stranger. She is NOT the woman I fell in love with and married. If she's just blinded and ends up trying to coming back, then we'll see what happens from there... but if this is the person she's truly become, then I don't want her around me anyways.
I guess my point is there isn't anything I NEED to find. Our relationship is already over and I already know she had an EA that likely will turn physical if it hasn't already. Of course I'm very tempted at times to look, but I see nothing good that can come of it.
I KNOW I deserve better. The woman who is doing this to me is a complete stranger. She is NOT the woman I fell in love with and married. If she's just blinded and ends up trying to coming back, then we'll see what happens from there... but if this is the person she's truly become, then I don't want her around me anyways.
Gotcha. I would say that you are much healthier than me. I wish I had been able to have your clarity on the situation. You see it for exactly what it is and should be proud of that.
I guess my point is there isn't anything I NEED to find. Our relationship is already over and I already know she had an EA that likely will turn physical if it hasn't already. Of course I'm very tempted at times to look, but I see nothing good that can come of it.
I KNOW I deserve better. The woman who is doing this to me is a complete stranger. She is NOT the woman I fell in love with and married. If she's just blinded and ends up trying to coming back, then we'll see what happens from there... but if this is the person she's truly become, then I don't want her around me anyways.
Buck, im exactly where you are right now...and i agree totally with you 100%. Kudos to you man.
I'd like to get on here and say you guys have no idea how helpful you are, but I suppose you do since most of you have been through or are currently going through similar.
Tonight has been... odd. Since Saturday afternoon before I went out I've seen her maybe an hour TOTAL. It's going on two hours that I've been around her tonight. I'm staying strong and not really talking to her other than things related to the kids.
While I still regret blowing up Saturday night, I can say she seems to be far more respectful with her texting than she was on Saturday and she seems to be taking care of more of her crap around the house. So maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all.
I saw the MC again today. I felt like my crying was about over, but boy did he prove me wrong, lol. It definitely felt good to get some more of that out of my system. He recommended that if she started her text-a-thon again tonight that I strongly consider telling her if she was going to just sit around texting him while I'm around that she should just "get the **** out" (his exact words) and go stay at her mom's. I was all revved up to have that conversation, but it didn't come to that... yet. He also told me that while I may have gone a bit overboard Saturday night with the yelling (ONLY because I woke up one of the kids), that he thought it was a very good thing that I got those feelings out there.
I'll check in later on tonight if needed. Otherwise, I'll see you all tomorrow!
Excuse me. I dont know who you are, but you are not my wife. My wife, would never, ever, never ever text another man in her own home, that tantamounts to her committing adultery. My wife would never commit an irreperable damage to our family, by continually communicating to a stranger. So please, I dont know who you are; but for my sake, my children - and my wife...
Please leave my family's house.
I said the exact same thing to my STBXW...what this does is it clearly demonstrates your ability to slice up your real wife, to the one that is infront of you living in the "Fog". If you slice this person and seperate this person - it shows them;
1. You are in control
2. You love your wife, the way she was previously
3. Your wife would never ever desecrate the marriage.
That's what I did - only time will tell if I was right...
But my advice, take it with a grain of salt, I aint an expert.
So we had a very long conversation last night. Throughout the entire thing I showed no emotion, was very firm/strong in my responses.
The conversation started with the kids and plans for the next few days. It then went into getting more structure involving when it's acceptable for the other person to be out, so there's no last minute, "I'm leaving, you watch the kids" or "I'm taking the kids now, goodbye".
We then went on to money. Talking about bills, her moving into her mother's house and how it will affect money (her mother lives a good distance away for daily commuting, adding quite a bit of money being thrown at gas), separate bank accounts, etc. This part of the conversation was lengthy and we definitely accomplished quite a bit.
Then we got deeper into my "blowup" from Saturday. She said she learned a lot about how I truly felt from that conversation. I told her I regretting it waking up our son, but that I didn't say anything I didn't mean. I told her I was angry that she sat on her ass texting him all day Saturday and that I will NOT allow it to happen again. I told her I don't know who she is anymore, that she is NOT the wonderful person I married. I told her that she was being extremely selfish in all of her actions lately.
Throughout the entire conversation she was getting more and more upset, crying a bit more as it went on. I remained completely calm, and continued to talk very firmly.
She cried quietly for a couple minutes, eventually starting to talk and stopping before anything came out. I told her to just say it and she said, "I don't know if I want to hear the answer". I told her to just come out with it. Eventually she told me she felt awful about how she went about things, that she had been talking to her mom for a long time about leaving, but that she never meant for it to happen like it did. That she made a lot of mistakes in the end that she regrets. Then she threw in an, "I understand if you hate me". I responded firmly, telling her I do not hate her, but I have lost almost all respect for her. I told her that she took an easy out vs. trying to work on the marriage, she made all the decisions involving US on her own, and as a result I think much less of her.
She said that hearing that makes it hard to stay in the house. I told her I wasn't stopping her from leaving.
She then asked how much my mom and a couple other people knew. Because "she didn't think it was everyone's business". I told her I didn't hold back telling anyone close to me anything. I told her they deserved to know the truth, and they DO know the truth. I could see/feel the guilt she was going through. The knowledge that people she will still have to constantly see (my mom works for Target, one of my best friends works for Target, and both work in the same store as her mom and step-dad, which is also the closest store to our house) know what really happened seemed to hurt her quite a bit (and I say, GOOD!).
Afterward the conversation shifted to me. She mentioned how she could see my focus in making a great home for the kids and how I was trying to be a better person. I told her I refused to let her actions drag me down. I told her I was done worrying about her.
I went to bed (yes, to bed, she got the couch) and left her there crying. I had a good night's sleep and woke up feeling pretty refreshed.
I must say, it felt DAMN GOOD to have that conversation with her. A week ago I would have NEVER had the strength to complete that conversation, to share all those feelings, and to do it without even the slightest bit of weakness. I never wavered, never cried, I felt very strong throughout and I feel that the air has certainly been cleared. I feel like I established myself as the dominant one in this house, that decisions from now on run through ME.
I truly can feel the 180 working. Every moment I'm caring less and less about what she thinks/does or has done. It's all about ME and my kids. I WILL get through this. I know the struggle is not over, but the tide is turning.
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Re: Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA. 
