Quick back story: My marriage ended on Tuesday. My wife was having an EA that she continually lied about and despite claims it was over, continued to push it underground. Finally after several lies I put up an ultimatum, stop talking to him and come to MC or we're through. She took the latter. We have been together around seven years and have two boys.
I still love her, but I've fully accepted there is nothing more I can do to try and save the marriage at this point.
So now I'm working on becoming a better, stronger person. I still have moments of weakness, but they're quickly growing further apart and I genuinely am feel better about myself every day. I'm more motivated than I've been in a long time. Now I need the focus to continue to improve ME and not to pine for her. I went to the MC (alone) last night as I said I would and I will be going back again next week. Unfortunately it may not continue for long as my insurance doesn't cover it and it's not exactly cheap.
In our current financial situation there is no realistic way for either of us to leave the house we're renting to the other person. I'm cleaning out the third bedroom, getting our extra bed out of storage, and moving into there for the time being. We've set guidelines for space/privacy in the home, among other things (time with the kids, money, etc). I know it won't be easy being under the same roof for the time being, but it has to be done. It is most definitely a temporary situation and as soon as we are able to do it one or both of us will be moving out. We've both been very reasonable thus far and I expect that to continue.
I'm now working on the 180, most parts I feel like I'm off to a great start with, but there are a couple that I'm struggling with:
#10: Do not spy on your spouse. Over the last two weeks I have done a lot of spying on her (most of it coming BEFORE the split while exposing the EA). Checking e-mails, IM conversations, phone records, etc. Now I'm having trouble not completely breaking away from spying on her. I know this won't help my recovery, but I still can't seem to stop myself from doing it.
#15: When home with her, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce on words. This one I'm conflicted about and maybe I'm just interpreting it wrong. I'm more confident in myself and I'm showing it, she's even mentioned more than once over the last few days that she sees it and has been surprised by it. But when she's talking about her work day, etc. I'm showing genuine interest. Am I really supposed to just shut her out when she's talking about her day? Or is it more that I just shouldn't be asking, only talking about it when SHE brings it up? I'm not showing any emotions in our conversations, just letter her know I am listening and responding accordingly.
There is one thing I will say, and if you think I'm wrong feel free to speak up, but I don't know if it's something I'm willing to change: We are not angry with each other. We are being very civil and I want that to continue. More than anything I'm doing it for our boys, I don't want them to see or feel any anger/resentment between mom and dad. Many people seemed to be suggesting in my previous thread that I be an ******* because of her actions, but I don't see that being a productive way to move on and become a better, stronger person. If we're not going to be together I still would like to try to be on good terms with her, for the kid's sake if nothing else.
I welcome any advice you might have, even if it wasn't something I mentioned here.
I do wish you luck. You seem like a great guy and a wonderful father. I followed your original thead and was sad to see your wife throw away all the chances you gave her to fix things.
I do wish you luck. You seem like a great guy and a wonderful father. I followed your original thead and was sad to see your wife throw away all the chances you gave her to fix things.
Gee thanks, I only cried once today, this made it twice.
My responses are pretty emotionless at this point. She saw ZERO weakness from me today. No calls to her work, no questions about her well being, no volunteering information suggesting I had a rough day (not that I had a rough day, I just usually feel a little more emotional around the time she's coming home and today was different).
She talked about her work week and how tired she was (she's put in around 62-63 hours in the last 5 days) and my responses were things like, "yeah, I'm sure you are". Her baker quit yesterday, but she can't find anyone to go in and now has to get up at 4am to go back in on her day off... she was tearing up talking about how tired she was and how she just wanted rest and I gave her a monotone, "sorry to hear that, you definitely need the rest."
For the past week and a half, if I'm home when she's gone to bed, she's given me an emotionless "I'm going to bed now, goodnight". Tonight was different... she got up and kinda paused, said, "I'm beat, I need to go to bed now", I said, "Okay", then she quietly said, "I guess I'm gonna go to the bathroom first". After a few minutes she came out of the bathroom and stood a couple feet from me for three or four seconds, then said, "sorry, it's still awkward" (implying the lack of hug/goodnight kiss), went and picked up her phone, said, "I'll sleep on the couch tonight if you want the bed" (to be fair here, we did say we'd rotate until the bed was out of storage, but this was the first mention of it tonight). I told her no, that I would have taken the bed, but she needed the sleep since she had to work in the morning. She calmly said, "goodnight", I replied, "goodnight, get some sleep", and she went to bed.
I've definitely noticed a change in her attitude over the last few days. She's not nearly as blunt/cold as she'd been over the last couple weeks.
I can say it's certainly amazing that these things seem to follow such simple scripts. Nearly everything predicted by people here has come to pass. From the bad to the not so bad.
Not that it matters anymore but do you believe that? You probably know what she is doing...
It might be true, it might not be. I do know that I'm not worried about it and if she feels the need to sneak around even when we're no longer together, then she can have at it. That said, she's already come out from underground and started using her phone to call/text him again, so she's not trying to hide it like she was before (she's not talking to him around me, but she does text occasionally). With the little sleep she's gotten this week and the fact that this is going to affect her seeing our older son right away when he gets home in the morning (not to mention how tired she'll be when she does finally see him, she said she nearly fell asleep when she was in the office at work today and passed out within minutes of walking in the door this afternoon, only to be woken up immediately by our younger son) I do believe she's actually going in, but if she's going to punish her already exhausted body to wake up at 4am and sneak over to see him then she's putting on a big show for no reason whatsoever in my opinion.
After the split became official I told her if she wanted to go do something and didn't want me to know what it was, that it wasn't my business anymore and she didn't need to feel obligated to tell me, as long as she didn't neglect the kids. In fact, she said when she's off on Monday she's going to go out for a little bit during the day without the kids. No mention of where and I didn't and won't ask.
I'm moving past worrying about this type of crap. I'm not going to speculate or look into it. I'll take her at her word and if she decides that she needs to lie, then so be it. With every lie she becomes less and less the great person she used to be... all I'm concerned about right now is me and making sure I'm doing the opposite.
In the mean time don't forget about your son. Try to take care of him as much as you can during these times.
No doubt about that, I may say over and over that I'm working on becoming a better me, but that certainly includes spending more GOOD time with my kids.
My three year old son and I had an awesome week. Took him to a "kid friendly" movie theater (big screen with tables and waiters, completely kid-oriented) Tuesday and yesterday took him to the kid's museum for a couple hours, which was an absolute blast. Not to mention watching some of his shows together, playing Mario on the Wii with him, and going to the store to visit grandma a couple times (she's a manager at Target and he loves that store, "can we look at toys daddy?").
Planned on doing a bit more, but he was pretty sick over the weekend and took him to the doctor on Monday morning, he has a bacterial infection that swelled his right tonsil up and kept him from eating much of anything over the weekend. He's understandably been pretty tired this week as a result, taking pretty long naps during the day.
Just keep moving forward. You are doing great. I have a suspicion your wife is having second thoughts. Get the divorce papers going and have her served. See how she reacts to the reality of losing you. Posted via Mobile Device
Just keep moving forward. You are doing great. I have a suspicion your wife is having second thoughts. Get the divorce papers going and have her served. See how she reacts to the reality of losing you. Posted via Mobile Device
And don't let yourself get too isolated. I know you work from home, and it's great that you spend so much time with your boys, but don't let her stick you with watching the boys while she goes out.
And don't let yourself get too isolated. I know you work from home, and it's great that you spend so much time with your boys, but don't let her stick you with watching the boys while she goes out.
I'm certainly not going to allow that. Last night after seeing the MC I went out to the pool hall for the night. Had a good time hanging out with some familiar faces from OUTSIDE the home. A couple friends who know the situation seemed pretty surprised to see me out so soon.
I've gotten so much support from friends I didn't know I even had. People I considered nothing more than acquaintances who have taken time out of their days to call me, wish me well, and offer support. I mentioned this to a friend last night who said, "You have much more affect on people than you realize." This support has gone a long way to help me recover as quickly as I have. I hope someday to be able to show each of them how much I appreciate the support they've given me.
What if she fools around with him for a month or two and wants to get back? Would you be able to take her back then? Or is this the end? Have you discussed the situation? What if she finds Mr.New not as wonderful and the new you much more attractive after a couple of months?
And a key part of the 180 is you tell her when you will be out of the house (without kids) but say nothing about what you are doing and who you are with. It is no longer her business. If she asks you politely shut her down. And she no longer has the right to be just curious about anything in your life. And the less you tell her the more 180 it is.
UOTE=Bucksinnc;666628]I'm certainly not going to allow that. Last night after seeing the MC I went out to the pool hall for the night. Had a good time hanging out with some familiar faces from OUTSIDE the home. A couple friends who know the situation seemed pretty surprised to see me out so soon.
I've gotten so much support from friends I didn't know I even had. People I considered nothing more than acquaintances who have taken time out of their days to call me, wish me well, and offer support. I mentioned this to a friend last night who said, "You have much more affect on people than you realize." This support has gone a long way to help me recover as quickly as I have. I hope someday to be able to show each of them how much I appreciate the support they've given me.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
What if she fools around with him for a month or two and wants to get back? Would you be able to take her back then? Or is this the end? Have you discussed the situation? What if she finds Mr.New not as wonderful and the new you much more attractive after a couple of months?
I haven't discussed the situation with her, if that's what you're asking.
I'm not in a position to answer the rest of that with any certainty at this point. I'm viewing this as the end, which I feel is necessary to be able to move forward, but I'm not going to completely shut the door on us being together again, at least not right now. If things end with him and she tries to come back, it certainly won't be as easy as that. IF... IF I am willing to give her a chance, it will only start off as that, a chance. She will have an extremely tough road ahead of her rebuilding what she so easily cast aside.
I'd be lying if I said the thought of her coming back never crosses my mind, but it's not what I'm putting any energy into. If my changes/strengthening brings her back, then I will have a decision to make.
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Moving on, doing the 180 after wife's EA. 
