I came home last friday to find my wife outside of our apartment crying. As I was getting out of the car my initial impression was that there had been a death in the family. She brought me into the house and told me she couldn't be married to me anymore and she was leaving for her mother's in Florida(We lived together in Massachusetts). I was completely shocked and blindsided by the news. She could not stop crying as she left while I just buried my head into a pillow trying desperately to wake up from what I thought was a terrible dream.
My wife suffers from mental health problems and we have both had our bouts with substance abuse and addiction. She told me she was very unhappy and in a very bad place mentally, but she hid it well (or I chose not to see it). She contacted my family and close friends before she left because she was very worried for my own well being after taking the news.
I decided to move out of our apartment and back in with my parents in order to be around family as I learn to cope with the seperation.
She planned her exit; she bought a car without my knowledge and gave 3 weeks notice to her job so she could train someone to take her place. This hurt and confused me very much when I came to the realization she was sleeping beside me knowing that she would soon be leaving.
We are both young (27 and 26) and our marriage definitely made finishing our education difficult. We were both stuck in jobs we didn't want to be in and I guess now looking on our life together; we seemed stuck. I believe that her depression (stemming from many traumatic life events as a young child) and a feeling of hopelessness in our careers caused her to fall out of love with me.
She sent me a text message two nights after she left saying she would call me the following day and she just needed some time before she could talk to me without becoming overcome with sadness. We did speak the following day and I asked her if there was anyone else (a common question people would ask to me). She said there was no one and she was in no state mentally to even think about having another relationship with anyone ( I truly believe this). I also asked her if she still loved me and had any hope of reconciliation. She said that she no longer loved me the way she used to and not the way I deserved to be loved. She wasn't certain about the finality of our separation, but her plan included to return to school in Florida and finish her education and this was unwaivering. She did, however, ask if we could remain speaking and she promised to call me after work so we could still maintain contact.
I know my family is only looking out for my best interests, but they keep telling me how my wife was broken and I just wouldn't accept it.
I truly love this woman and it made me feel better just to hear her voice over the phone. I am still very hurt and confused, but I am not the type of person who can just sever ties and never look back. I am very confused right now and I don't know what I should do. I feel the same lover for her that I did when we married, but somewhere along the lines she fell out of love with me. I believe she has an inherent inability to love herself and that her love for me faded as she slipped further into her sadness. I know she still cares for me, but I don't know if the actions I take are right or wrong.
I never had any suspicions, evidence or reasons to believe she had/is having an affair. I am very close to her mother (who is her best friend and confidant) and I believe she would tell me if this was an issue of infidelity.
Can you monitor her emails, texts, Facebook messages?
It doesn't make much sense to just walk out on 5year marriage. The pre planning part makes me think she found someone with "better" standard then yours to leave to. Posted via Mobile Device
If she wasn't in an affair and her problems really stem from her mental issues then you can't really do anything but let her find herself. It's better this way than if you have children to raise together. Don't chase/beg/plead, it's not going to change anything and may actually drive her away. She's thought about this for a long time.
I suggest being there for her and supporting her in any capacity you can given your circumstances. It will go along way and may actually return her loving feelings for you. It will be a difficult balance between giving her space and not coming across like you've given up on her.
I would never trust the in laws, at the end of the day it's their child. Posted via Mobile Device
Agree with Keko. In-laws will never love you more
than their own child. My in-laws know my wife is
in the wrong but they will never say it to me and
in court I bet if needed they'll testify in favor of
their daughter, that's just how it goes.
Im sorry you going through this. One positive is
there are no kids involved. Posted via Mobile Device
If she wants space you should give it to her. I don't give a hoot why she left you, to do it the way she did was immoral and cruel. I would go dark on her. Do not answer her calls or reply to her messages. Give her what she wants. It will hurt like hell, but giving her the gift of missing you may draw her back and make her rethink her position.
Work on getting well and pulling yourself out of the slump you are in. Start exercising and eating right, work out and buy new clothes to make yourself feel better. Fake it till you make it.
And if she does not come back file for divorce and have her served. Be proactive and do not wait for the hammer to fall. Posted via Mobile Device
If she wants space you should give it to her. I don't give a hoot why she left you, to do it the way she did was immoral and cruel. I would go dark on her. Do not answer her calls or reply to her messages. Give her what she wants. It will hurt like hell, but giving her the gift of missing you may draw her back and make her rethink her position.
Work on getting well and pulling yourself out of the slump you are in. Start exercising and eating right, work out and buy new clothes to make yourself feel better. Fake it till you make it.
And if she does not come back file for divorce and have her served. Be proactive and do not wait for the hammer to fall. Posted via Mobile Device
Cut off contact. She will string you along either for emotional support or out of guilt. Stop contacting her. Maybe you can start talking after the wounds heal(6 months - 1 year). Talking to her won't let you move on or heal. And you are not doing it out out of spite or anger. It is for helping you to move on. And don't be surprised if she reconnected with an ex in home town.
I'm assuming that she is not lying and I am assuming that you, OP, want to work this out. I'm also assuming that there's no unintended abuse or control, here. If those are not true, it changes things.
She's trying to sort out her own issues and needs some space. It sounds like she has no emotional reserves to invest in a marriage because right now, she needs them to take care of herself. This is a good thing. If she comes through it, she will be a stronger person in the end without having used you as an emotional crutch.
It isn't a personal rejection. It doesn't even look like it's about cheating. It's about her and about self-preservation on her part and while it hurts that she won't let you be there for her, or that she can't give you what you need in a partnership right now, or that she didn't confide in you beforehand, she is being very fair to you in telling you that she cannot do so, instead of just cheating or hoarding resentment and lashing out. She's not using you. She is giving you the freedom to deal with what you need the way you need to while she sorts herself out, which is mature and considerate -- even if planning an exit and telling you at the last minute was not a very nice thing to do. Maybe she didn't think she could follow through on something she needed, if she had told you in advance. Maybe, given your shared history of substance abuse, there is codependency between you that you aren't seeing and this was the only way she could step away from her unhealthy mental state. She isn't asking you to wait for her, if you don't want to. She's not giving you false hope about a reconciliation. You both obviously care about each other, but there are problems. This is the ideal form of a separation; take a step back and figure out what's what.
You need to be strong enough to understand that this action of hers IS NOT ABOUT YOU, even if it feels personal. Hold on to that thought so that you feel better.
Even though this hurts you because you didn't choose it and didn't see it coming, it sounds like she is trying to be fair to you so that you aren't stuck waiting on her and needing her. Her blunt and confusing honesty is actually an act of kindness and compassion toward you. If staying together was making her hurt, and she hid that fact and had a complete breakdown later on, wouldn't you feel terrible that she hadn't said something to you before? You'd feel complicit in her breakdown because she stayed for you instead of sorting out her own issues.
Figure out what you need for you. Take care of YOU. Spend time improving yourself in ways that matter to you. Do some soul-searching of your own to see what you want in your own life independent of her.
You mention substance abuse problems. You need to get some professional help to take care of addictive tendencies. You didn't see it coming, so you weren't aware of what she was going through. Why not? Think about it a little. Maybe she felt like she told you in the past but you didn't hear her. Maybe the problems that felt like a very big deal to her are not a problem for you. Could you both have different values? Maybe you aren't compatible. Take this time to be as selfish as you want, but not indulgent in substances.
If you feel it is worthwhile to wait for her, wait for her because you want to, but not because you expect to get something for your efforts or feel that you owe it to her. If you don't want to wait for her to sort her issues out, then you don't have to...unfortunately, in the meantime, you do have to sort out your feelings about this. I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like she still cares about you. It sounds like you still care about her. Just be apart for a while and stay in touch to whatever extent you both feel comfortable. If things work out with her one day, great, but if not, you're not hanging on her every word. Instead, you're improving your own life, right?
Limit contact. If she calls you and you want to talk, talk. If you want to check in with her once in a while, check in with her -- but, if she is being disrespectful or you feel like it isn't good for you anymore, then stop. Don't go begging and pleading for her to come back because that won't help either of you. It is possible that one or both of you will meet someone else that takes the place of your estranged spouse; she hasn't said that is out of the picture for her of that she expects it's out of the picture for you; might be too soon for either of you.
Well-meaning family will push you toward divorce or coercing reconciliation and neither of those serves your interests or your wife's, because neither of you initiated it. Only do this when it's the right time for you. Don't trust the in-laws; their agenda will be to protect what is in her best interest, which may or may not be the same as yours. Careful how you trust your own family because they want to protect you. They may see her as a threat because she has hurt you, regardless of her reasons or your wishes.
Think about this as a strategic "Time Out". "Time Out" and "Game Over" are not necessarily the same thing.
Sorry my post is so long and rambling and unfocused, but I empathize with what you're going through, and wanted to give you whatever comfort I could. Good Luck to you, guy.
Moxy, that is some of the most hopeful and insightful pieces of advice I have been given. I understand the parental point-of-views held by my parents and in-laws and I get that, so its nice to get some insight like this from someone who has no interest in either party.
As far as the substance abuse goes, I am not concerned for myself right now. I am confident in my strength not to back slide into any self harming behavior. I hope she can stay as vigilant since her issues stemmed more from alcohol and legal substances more acceptable within her family(I used to shoot heroin). We never did drugs together but I understand our tendencies incorporated into other facets of life.
Ultimately, I deeply love this woman and right now in my mind I have reservations of waiting until the end of time for her. I also understand that time may change this. However, my love for her helps me to understand that I must give her space so she can find happiness. Her happiness is what I truly want even if it means not with me.
I will answer her calls and it makes me feel better to hear her voice even if it's fruitless. I won't beg or plead for her and I will avoid the "I love you's and I miss you's" when we communicate.
I am heartbroken, but feel some solace knowing she is safe and has a direction in her life, even if this means a direction far away from me.
Also, your explanation of her exit makes a lot of sense. I know it was hard for her, but the pain in her heart needed to be confronted. I have no ill will towards her and I truly only want her to be happy. This doesn't mean my own selfishness causes no conflict. I wrestle with my need to feel loved and have her by my side for my own well being, but I must remain strong and keep her best interests in mind. Once again, thank you, Moxy. Posted via Mobile Device
bandit, I usually agree with your POV because you seem to advocate an assertive and positive stance, so I'm second guessing myself now. Not that we have to agree on OP's situation, but doesn't why she left matter?
If it were for something other than mental health issues or abuse, I'd say, "if she's just going to ditch you with no warning then, you shouldn't give her a second thought." In other instances, I'd say that going dark would be the best way to see if she misses him and can prioritize him properly....but, if she has serious mental issues, that seems to change things a little, doesn't it?
I know my POV on this is pretty wimpy and mushy, but this situation seems so uncertain because she didn't say she wanted a divorce and didn't say there was someone else, so there's not a betrayal here.
I suppose my response is, essentially, "stay in limbo till you figure out what you wanna do", but I think I'm also saying "spend your limbo living up for yourself, including keeping options open with others and making changes to yourself in positive ways" and I think I'm also saying "there's no guarantee she's going to come back, but if she's really left because of her mental issues, then you should let her be because it's not about you and you can't make her change her mind."
OP -- At some point, you will either want to detach entirely or want to push for a conclusion (ie, divorce or reconciliation, if she is willing). Don't sit around and hope forever that she will come back without taking care of your life. In the meantime, work on you and figure out what you want in life independent of the relationship. 180 sounds good, protects you and helps you; look it up.
What are your family and her family saying about this?
Are you at all controlling, or has she alleged that you are?
Has she said anything to you about wanting a divorce? Did you ask if that was an option? Is this intended as a separation or is she just leaving you and expecting you to pick up the pieces?
Given that she says she doesn't love you anymore, do you think the mental issues were an excuse?
Also, though I'm suggesting some bit of hope, don't let that be the only thing you're taking away from what I said; I do think you should do your best to move on with your life as much as possible without her, because there is a very good chance she will not want to reconcile, given the fact that she did say she didn't love you anymore (I have to admit, I missed that part in my initial reading).
10Likes
My wife of 5 years walked out. 
