so difficult - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Like Tree4Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-12-2012, 12:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamatomany View Post
Totally agree. My IC says the same about me and my stbxh.

Focus on what she has done to end this and despise her for that if you need to. You tried and she has stopped.
That's just it, though. If I despise her for what she's done, I get mad. I get bitter. I hate her! That can build and spill over to other areas in my life. How can I be open to others and love others with such despise?

I thought I could slowly let her go, realizing she's not coming back, and not hoping or misinterpreting anything unless coming directly from her mouth and initiative.

I'll say this again. When I'm around her, it's not like it used to be. There's nothing there. It's the part when I leave, or am not around her when I miss the past, or wonder why, or wish and hope, etc.

I want to spend as much time around my children as possible (even on her days). Maybe if I limit all interaction with her and make it all about them during that time, I'd appreciate investing that time in them.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-12-2012, 12:08 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 84
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
I doubt she would stay if I had that same condition. Her level of commitment is far less than I ever imagined.
WOW, do our stories sound similar... had to double-check a few times to make sure this wasn't me. The 'Roommate' line is perfect. Anyways, I have been doing ALOT of reflecting and thinking lately and have come to the realization (FINALLY) that all that time that I was withdrawn, and not there for my W on her emotional level, she was the one that was already trying to 'fix' us and run the household, and put on a 'happy front' for the kids when inside she was emotionally drained. Maybe you're just misreading her 'level of commitment' and she just doesn't have the energy right now to put forth much of an effort...
hldnhope is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-12-2012, 01:10 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by hldnhope View Post
WOW, do our stories sound similar... had to double-check a few times to make sure this wasn't me. The 'Roommate' line is perfect. Anyways, I have been doing ALOT of reflecting and thinking lately and have come to the realization (FINALLY) that all that time that I was withdrawn, and not there for my W on her emotional level, she was the one that was already trying to 'fix' us and run the household, and put on a 'happy front' for the kids when inside she was emotionally drained. Maybe you're just misreading her 'level of commitment' and she just doesn't have the energy right now to put forth much of an effort...
Well, there have been other episodes that have exposed her level of commitment. Maybe she doesn't have energy, now. I wish she would have communicated to me back then. Even to say, hey, I'm miserable because of such and such. We need therapy. I'm not happy. Instead, I heard nothing from her. We never tried to repair our marriage the way we should have. By consciously reflecting and working and communicating, etc. Appreciating the moment.

It was too easy for us in the past, because as soon as there weren't "issues," then, it was easy to slide back into the "married routine" and take each other for granted. Only, slowly to drift apart.

I think we lived crisis to crisis. In the meantime, left with each other, there were few love cultivating activities between us. Which left us as friends.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-12-2012, 05:18 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Mothra777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 132
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayb View Post
In my case, there has never been arguing, abuse, affairs, addictions. From the outside looking in, we were the ideal marriage. However, we ended up as friends/roommates with children. So, when my wife suggested separation, and I filed for divorce, and then thinking upon it, I realized I have always loved my wife, still do. She stopped sometime ago. She requested to be friends. She loves me but is not in love with me.
.
Wow - this is pretty much identical to my situation. So I know exactly how you are feeling right now. All the best with it. It will be a tough road but the focus should now be on the kids and yourself. My counsellor suggested to me to only focus on the present and try not dwell on the past or fear the future. She also advised to only focus on things that you can control.
Mothra777 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-13-2012, 11:02 AM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
proudwidaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 785
Default Re: so difficult

Mothra,
That is the one thing that has helped me get somewhat better, focus on the hear and now. THe past is done, I can't change it, I can't live the good memories again. The future is not written. I only have what is in front of me. Hard advice to live, but once you do you will feel better.
proudwidaddy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-13-2012, 11:10 AM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy View Post
Mothra,
That is the one thing that has helped me get somewhat better, focus on the hear and now. THe past is done, I can't change it, I can't live the good memories again. The future is not written. I only have what is in front of me. Hard advice to live, but once you do you will feel better.

This is good. My emotions overwhelm me when I think about either the past or future. I am struggling right now with past regrets. Then, I fear the future.

All I can control happens right now. And when I look back at the past weeks, months, years, I marvel at how fast things have changed, or by how much, or even what occurred. So, I am not a prisoner of time.

It's just a matter of constantly affirming this when the waves of emotions are battering me.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-13-2012, 02:29 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 10,308
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by proudwidaddy View Post
Mothra,
That is the one thing that has helped me get somewhat better, focus on the hear and now. THe past is done, I can't change it, I can't live the good memories again. The future is not written. I only have what is in front of me. Hard advice to live, but once you do you will feel better.


This.......
bandit.45 is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-13-2012, 06:29 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

It looks like family time, when we all do something together may end sooner, rather than later.

As you all know, on my weekends with the children, I have been the one who invites my wife. On her weekends, with the children, I invite myself to the activity.

My wife said ok to 1 of the day's, but said Sunday, she wants them with herself the entire day, until dropoff with me in the evening. Translation - She's irritated with me being at family time.

I stated that I didn't have to go and told her I realized I invite myself. Just tell me so. Sounds real powerful, right?

My children are so important in all of this. I treasure every minute, and would love to have them more than my 50% share. These family times are a way to hang out with them even more. The interaction between my wife and I is more and more limited, especially if a family friend and parent go with us. And, by inviting her on my weekend, I offer the same "extra" time.

Is she irritated because family time reminds her of the good times with us as a family? Or, is she clamping down on face time with me? Or, is she quickening the pace to final divorce when she dowsn't have to feel guilty about any of this?

I'm wondering. Because weekends without the children are extra painful since I don't have friends and am still uncomfortable being by myself.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 09:31 AM   #24 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,455
Default Re: so difficult

Jay,

It's likely that your clinging is a real turn-off for her.

So, she rationalizes being mean to you as "necessary"
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 02:58 PM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 172
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayb View Post
I could see anger motivating to keep to the 180 in your particular situation. Afterall, you don't deserve that treatment.

In my case, there has never been arguing, abuse, affairs, addictions. From the outside looking in, we were the ideal marriage. However, we ended up as friends/roommates with children. So, when my wife suggested separation, and I filed for divorce, and then thinking upon it, I realized I have always loved my wife, still do. She stopped sometime ago. She requested to be friends. She loves me but is not in love with me.

I, however, still love her. So now, I have to "unlove" her in a way that allows for friendship, but nothing more.

And considering there is no other man. That she'd rather be by herself than with me (undergoing positive changes) and our children makes it that more difficult.
Jayb, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I went through an extremely rough couple of months trying to save it...all to no avail. Then one day, I just said "the hell with this" and we got down to planning the seperation. Curiously enough, at that point our relationship seemed to improve...we spent hours and days talking like we have never talked before. Despite that, it was obvious that she was still totally done, although I thought it was a bit ridiculous how we could get on so well like that....I mean, as we were now getting on so well, surely it'd be worth another go? It took me a while to get over that as well.

We put our house on the market and it sold straightaway. I moved into a nice apartment, her into a new house. Totally split everything 50/50, very amicable. Our daughter is adjusting very well and even seems to enjoy having 2 "cool houses and rooms" as she puts it.

Despite some bumps, at no point have I ever done a "hard 180"....personally I think by doing so would only hurt our daughter. I understand that in some splitups that is necessary....but if yours goes as amicable as mine, there's no real need.....IF (and its a big if) you can proceed with falling out of love with your ex while still being friendly with her. I decided that is what I needed to do - get my head to where hers was. After a couple of false starts, I started making real progress with that. I concentrated on my own areas of disappointment with the marriage...all the stuff that id put up with, all the frustrations etc (and would have continued putting up with them....as I believe that's what marriage is all about, compromising) .

After a while, I really started enjoying my own space. I surrounded myself with friends, many of whom had been through the same thing (or much worse) . Even friends far away....talking about it with people who understand really helps so much. As it stands right now, I'm really enjoying my part time single life, part time dad. I'm at the point now where I have really detached any romantic feelings for my stbx (wont work for everybody but having a bit of a fling with someone else really helped me I have to say), and now I feel confident I can maintain a decent enough relationship with the stbx for the sake of our daughter.

If you have got a similar amicable situation....my take on it is that a total hard 180 will do more harm than good. If you can get your probable divorce sorted without lawyers etc you might as well make the best of the friendliness and get everything thrashed out between the two of you over several beers or something. The key though is you need to detach from her romantically. I still do care about my stbx (and her me), but the fact ive been able to put myself in her shoes, so to speak, has been huge.

Like you, I went through a lot of anger about her tearing the family apart....but now to be honest, that's almost become a defence for me - I'm like "she did this " so feel as though I can now do whatever I want. I seem to have gotten here pretty quickly...others take longer (and no doubt I still will have some twinges ahead) but its the only way to go.
worrieddad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 04:21 PM   #26 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 25
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by worrieddad View Post
Jayb, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I went through an extremely rough couple of months trying to save it...all to no avail. Then one day, I just said "the hell with this" and we got down to planning the seperation. Curiously enough, at that point our relationship seemed to improve...we spent hours and days talking like we have never talked before. Despite that, it was obvious that she was still totally done, although I thought it was a bit ridiculous how we could get on so well like that....I mean, as we were now getting on so well, surely it'd be worth another go? It took me a while to get over that as well.
Man this is hard to read. Exactly where I am at -- my head says she is done, my heart says I'm not. She is so scared to be nice to me for fear that I will take it as a sign of hope. But she is just fine when we are talking about separation/divorce. Makes me mad, sad, lonely, scared. I am trying just to take care of me. I still hold out hope that with time she will change her mind, but, assuming that doesn't happen, maybe I will be able to move on as well.
njdad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 06:57 PM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by worrieddad View Post
Jayb, your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I went through an extremely rough couple of months trying to save it...all to no avail. Then one day, I just said "the hell with this" and we got down to planning the seperation. Curiously enough, at that point our relationship seemed to improve...we spent hours and days talking like we have never talked before. Despite that, it was obvious that she was still totally done, although I thought it was a bit ridiculous how we could get on so well like that....I mean, as we were now getting on so well, surely it'd be worth another go? It took me a while to get over that as well.

We put our house on the market and it sold straightaway. I moved into a nice apartment, her into a new house. Totally split everything 50/50, very amicable. Our daughter is adjusting very well and even seems to enjoy having 2 "cool houses and rooms" as she puts it.

Despite some bumps, at no point have I ever done a "hard 180"....personally I think by doing so would only hurt our daughter. I understand that in some splitups that is necessary....but if yours goes as amicable as mine, there's no real need.....IF (and its a big if) you can proceed with falling out of love with your ex while still being friendly with her. I decided that is what I needed to do - get my head to where hers was. After a couple of false starts, I started making real progress with that. I concentrated on my own areas of disappointment with the marriage...all the stuff that id put up with, all the frustrations etc (and would have continued putting up with them....as I believe that's what marriage is all about, compromising) .

After a while, I really started enjoying my own space. I surrounded myself with friends, many of whom had been through the same thing (or much worse) . Even friends far away....talking about it with people who understand really helps so much. As it stands right now, I'm really enjoying my part time single life, part time dad. I'm at the point now where I have really detached any romantic feelings for my stbx (wont work for everybody but having a bit of a fling with someone else really helped me I have to say), and now I feel confident I can maintain a decent enough relationship with the stbx for the sake of our daughter.

If you have got a similar amicable situation....my take on it is that a total hard 180 will do more harm than good. If you can get your probable divorce sorted without lawyers etc you might as well make the best of the friendliness and get everything thrashed out between the two of you over several beers or something. The key though is you need to detach from her romantically. I still do care about my stbx (and her me), but the fact ive been able to put myself in her shoes, so to speak, has been huge.

Like you, I went through a lot of anger about her tearing the family apart....but now to be honest, that's almost become a defence for me - I'm like "she did this " so feel as though I can now do whatever I want. I seem to have gotten here pretty quickly...others take longer (and no doubt I still will have some twinges ahead) but its the only way to go.

Thanks for your input. I told my wife today after a family day, that I invite her or invite myself as a way of extra-time with the children. That's it. I told her I'm sure it will change in the future. She said she understood and nodded. That's it. So, if it's an issue for her, then tell me.

As I was around her today, I am liking her less and less. Maybe because I'm mad at the entire situation. But, also, she isn't the same person I loved. I keep saying this, but I am clinging onto a past version of her and what I assumed our future would be. Both are fantasies.

I want to remain friends to get through the D. I have to guard myself. Sometimes, if I get mad or irritated, my anger goes to level 8 and I easily start down the hate path.

And, you're right. I look at her now and areas which I tolerated over years, are straight up annoying now. I couldn't see tolerating them now. Big irritations.

I think any hard 180 would piss her off and kickstart the adversarial relationship we had a few months back. Totally unproductive. That said, our interactions/communication is becoming more and more limited.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 07:42 PM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
sd212's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 258
Default Re: so difficult

Jayb,
You know, as I progress along at about the same pace as you and some others here, it is becoming more and more clear. You do that family stuff like I had done so much at first. What I'm seeing now is what you felt today. Do I still adore her, yes. But, I'm seeing her for what she is and what she is not. Ultimately, yes, I want our marriage to work but it is over and that is that.

We dwell so much on the 180 around here and I think it is really healthy and all but just not as cut and dry as we would like it to be. For example, I was just not capable of it before no matter how much I read the rules. Now, as I have taken all the bumps and bruises, the 180 is coming naturally. Tonight she was dropping the kids off and I genuinely did not give a rats behind about her, only the kids. She invited herself in which NEVER happens, she sat and talked for a minute. Oh, and I had totally forgotten that tomorrow is our "family" day. She asked when I would be coming over and I honestly had forgotten all about it. This is REAL progress on my part.

I know I'm going on and on but I guess what I'm saying is that I am finally seeing real healing. Not just following 180 rules. I love her so much but in the end, time is helping and things are changing. It sounds like you are also feeling some of these real things and I guess what I'm saying is that the 180 is going to come naturally for all of us. Doing it at the beginning would have been ideal, I absolutely believe it would have brought her back but it wouldn't have been real. I wouldn't have healed and she wouldn't have stayed.

Gosh, sorry for all the unsolicited opinion here. I'm just really seeing things differently the last couple of days.
sd212 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-14-2012, 10:23 PM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 491
Default Re: so difficult

Quote:
Originally Posted by sd212 View Post
Jayb,
You know, as I progress along at about the same pace as you and some others here, it is becoming more and more clear. You do that family stuff like I had done so much at first. What I'm seeing now is what you felt today. Do I still adore her, yes. But, I'm seeing her for what she is and what she is not. Ultimately, yes, I want our marriage to work but it is over and that is that.

We dwell so much on the 180 around here and I think it is really healthy and all but just not as cut and dry as we would like it to be. For example, I was just not capable of it before no matter how much I read the rules. Now, as I have taken all the bumps and bruises, the 180 is coming naturally. Tonight she was dropping the kids off and I genuinely did not give a rats behind about her, only the kids. She invited herself in which NEVER happens, she sat and talked for a minute. Oh, and I had totally forgotten that tomorrow is our "family" day. She asked when I would be coming over and I honestly had forgotten all about it. This is REAL progress on my part.

I know I'm going on and on but I guess what I'm saying is that I am finally seeing real healing. Not just following 180 rules. I love her so much but in the end, time is helping and things are changing. It sounds like you are also feeling some of these real things and I guess what I'm saying is that the 180 is going to come naturally for all of us. Doing it at the beginning would have been ideal, I absolutely believe it would have brought her back but it wouldn't have been real. I wouldn't have healed and she wouldn't have stayed.

Gosh, sorry for all the unsolicited opinion here. I'm just really seeing things differently the last couple of days.
Hey, I appreciate all your on and ons. I think I relate more to what you are doing rather than the staunch, "do the 180." It's almost as if those advocating strict 180's are like our closest advising us to just move on, get iwth the program, etc. I'm not there, yet.

Little by little, I am realizing and actually thinking about all of her negatives. Things that irritated me. Her failures. Her new differences that don't gel with me. Etc.

Those things are inspiring me to the 180's.

I appreciate any more insight you may have. Really, I'm hanging onto a thread and crave advice.

Thank you.
Jayb is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
This is so difficult leighr Going Through Divorce or Separation 10 01-15-2013 04:46 PM
Sex seems to be getting more difficult... hurtingbadly Coping with Infidelity 62 04-23-2012 06:41 PM
It Shouldn't Be That Difficult Shauna Sex in Marriage 15 02-02-2012 01:43 PM
A very difficult day couple General Relationship Discussion 2 10-23-2011 08:56 AM
having a difficult day denise1218 Going Through Divorce or Separation 5 02-08-2011 02:17 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:57 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.