Doing any kind of 180 because it's the total opposite of my feelings.
How do I learn to unlove and detach from someone who was my soulmate for 15 years? Someone who chose and chooses to not love me. Maybe it's continually reminding myself how my wife changed and that she is no longer the woman I loved at all. Also, she may have psychological issues that prevent her from being committed to the marriage and loving anyone at this point (without consciously realizing it).
It would be easier to do if I were angry and mad. That would then lead me to treat her horribly out of my emotions. I did that months ago and it just ratcheted things up in a negative way, causing stress.
But, to remain civil, or friendly even (without hoping or acting like her bff) is very challenging. However, remaining civil leaves open the small possibility of any kind of reconciliation in the future. It may or may not happen and I have no control over it. Only me. Maybe in time she'll see my positive changes in all areas in my life and see that they are real and lasting. Maybe, but.
I suppose it is the absolutely no contact whatsoever unless it is children related. Nothing initiated on my end, unless necessary regarding children. Any drop-off/pick up must be quick and short. No joint family time.
That answer would push me over into the bitter side where I would resent all of this and be mad. In addition, our children wouldn't see us getting along like we have; just pursuing transactions.
I'm just trying to think things through now. I am sure I'll hear a range of options, from no contact, to screw her, to continue to focus on me, etc.
The past couple of weeks I have been going through precisely what you are going through now and I have been married for 17 years.
The only difference is that I have now found evidence that she is visiting dating sites behind my back and lying to me. So my depression has now turned to anger unfortunately.
Last week my depression as so severe I ended up at the doctors and he prescribed a mild dose of anti-depressants. They have helped me sleep and think much more clearly than before. They are not a solution to the situation but certainly help in navigating the mess that is a separation.
I have also been attending individual counselling (as well as marriage counselling with her) and that has also helped raise my self esteem and lift my mood a bit.
I am also doing the 180 but it is no longer to save my marriage - I think I have lost her for good. But it does make you feel better about yourself and set you up for being attractive to another person in the future if she decides never to come back.
Good luck with it. I totally emphasize with you. It is a horrible place to be.
The past couple of weeks I have been going through precisely what you are going through now and I have been married for 17 years.
The only difference is that I have now found evidence that she is visiting dating sites behind my back and lying to me. So my depression has now turned to anger unfortunately.
Last week my depression as so severe I ended up at the doctors and he prescribed a mild dose of anti-depressants. They have helped me sleep and think much more clearly than before. They are not a solution to the situation but certainly help in navigating the mess that is a separation.
I have also been attending individual counselling (as well as marriage counselling with her) and that has also helped raise my self esteem and lift my mood a bit.
I am also doing the 180 but it is no longer to save my marriage - I think I have lost her for good. But it does make you feel better about yourself and set you up for being attractive to another person in the future if she decides never to come back.
Good luck with it. I totally emphasize with you. It is a horrible place to be.
Thank you. I understand the 180. I just have to start consistently applying it and stop the wayward thoughts. Easier said than done.
I just wonder how and why my wife changed and ended up where she did. Obviously, our marriage encountered rough spots and there was misery on both sides with no communication. Now, that we both realize it, only one of us (me) is willing to do anything to save the marriage. For us. For the children.
There are a few reasons why I think it may be psychological on her end. And, maybe by believing that, it can make it easier to get through this in a friendly manner. Almost like she has a condition that prevents her from loving and being committed.
There are a few reasons why I think it may be psychological on her end. And, maybe by believing that, it can make it easier to get through this in a friendly manner. Almost like she has a condition that prevents her from loving and being committed.
That is a really interesting way of looking at it. I think the "condition" my stbxw suffers from is the fog.
Intersting Jayb.
Ending friendly didn't happen for me. We were so close but it has transformed to civil. I hope you can make it if that is really what is best.
Doing any kind of 180 because it's the total opposite of my feelings.
How do I learn to unlove and detach from someone who was my soulmate for 15 years? Someone who chose and chooses to not love me. Maybe it's continually reminding myself how my wife changed and that she is no longer the woman I loved at all. Also, she may have psychological issues that prevent her from being committed to the marriage and loving anyone at this point (without consciously realizing it).
It would be easier to do if I were angry and mad. That would then lead me to treat her horribly out of my emotions. I did that months ago and it just ratcheted things up in a negative way, causing stress.
But, to remain civil, or friendly even (without hoping or acting like her bff) is very challenging. However, remaining civil leaves open the small possibility of any kind of reconciliation in the future. It may or may not happen and I have no control over it. Only me. Maybe in time she'll see my positive changes in all areas in my life and see that they are real and lasting. Maybe, but.
I suppose it is the absolutely no contact whatsoever unless it is children related. Nothing initiated on my end, unless necessary regarding children. Any drop-off/pick up must be quick and short. No joint family time.
That answer would push me over into the bitter side where I would resent all of this and be mad. In addition, our children wouldn't see us getting along like we have; just pursuing transactions.
I'm just trying to think things through now. I am sure I'll hear a range of options, from no contact, to screw her, to continue to focus on me, etc.
In my own situation, keeping to the 180 is easier some weeks than others. This is one of the not so easy weeks and right now every moment is a battle for me. Lieceratops still doesn't get it. He keeps asking DS why I won't talk to him on the phone. Seriously? I don't initiate contact with him, save for biz, kids grown. He text me first the other day, I tried my best to simply answer the questions (tax form issue). Then it deterioated into a bullying, threatening, bashing (started by him) session that I allowed myself to be goaded into participating in. When he in a single text he said "fvck you, get a lawyer, I'm cuttin' off your phone", I forwarded that to both kids'. Such a kneejerk reaction, shouldn't have done it as it served no purpose other than to upset DD, probably upset DS but he didn't say so to me.
So, once again, I'm struggling to adhere to the 180, for me. Last week was so good when there was nothing from him.
It is so hard, esp. after 25 yrs to detach, focus on me, and "move on".
You don't have to unlove the person. In fact, you do this out of love. Love for your mate and love for yourself. Why? Because you WILL NOT stand for any more bullshet.
In my own situation, keeping to the 180 is easier some weeks than others. This is one of the not so easy weeks and right now every moment is a battle for me. Lieceratops still doesn't get it. He keeps asking DS why I won't talk to him on the phone. Seriously? I don't initiate contact with him, save for biz, kids grown. He text me first the other day, I tried my best to simply answer the questions (tax form issue). Then it deterioated into a bullying, threatening, bashing (started by him) session that I allowed myself to be goaded into participating in. When he in a single text he said "fvck you, get a lawyer, I'm cuttin' off your phone", I forwarded that to both kids'. Such a kneejerk reaction, shouldn't have done it as it served no purpose other than to upset DD, probably upset DS but he didn't say so to me.
So, once again, I'm struggling to adhere to the 180, for me. Last week was so good when there was nothing from him.
It is so hard, esp. after 25 yrs to detach, focus on me, and "move on".
I could see anger motivating to keep to the 180 in your particular situation. Afterall, you don't deserve that treatment.
In my case, there has never been arguing, abuse, affairs, addictions. From the outside looking in, we were the ideal marriage. However, we ended up as friends/roommates with children. So, when my wife suggested separation, and I filed for divorce, and then thinking upon it, I realized I have always loved my wife, still do. She stopped sometime ago. She requested to be friends. She loves me but is not in love with me.
I, however, still love her. So now, I have to "unlove" her in a way that allows for friendship, but nothing more.
And considering there is no other man. That she'd rather be by herself than with me (undergoing positive changes) and our children makes it that more difficult.
That is a really interesting way of looking at it. I think the "condition" my stbxw suffers from is the fog.
Intersting Jayb.
Ending friendly didn't happen for me. We were so close but it has transformed to civil. I hope you can make it if that is really what is best.
Good stuff Jayb.
It may be fog as well. She craves fantasy--along the lines of the highs of the first 2 years of a relationship. I know that mental issues run in her family. Added were a few other factors to create a perfect storm that convinced her she could/should and can leave.
If she doesn't seriously address her issues, I'd bet the house her next relationship (without me) will fail.
Jayb: I can relate to what you're saying. I think I'm a further along in the detachment from spouse process than you but just last night when I was leaving my old apt my STBXW had a nice conversation and was wearing her sleeping clothes (kind of sexy) and I felt like hugging her - there was a connection. Perhaps I was just horny, don't know.
This is what I can tell you. You don't have to hate your ex. The key here for you to regain your wife or move on with your life is to understand that no one on this earth is worth you putting yourself down for. You deserve to be happy and no one except you should have control over your life. You and ex were not born tied at the hip. You can live without her. You just have to build up confidence (that's what the 180 is for) and set yourself up for success in all aspects of your life.
Another thing ... don't fall into the trap of thinking that the reason she can't love you/show you appreciation is because she has some kind of disease. My STBXW has dealt with depression/low self esteem issues for a long time since her teenage years before she met me. I stayed and took a lot of abuse from her in our marriage thinking she just didn't know better and her condition dictated her actions. Well she was a good friend to her friends and lover to OM with no problems which to me meant that it was all BS.
Even if she has a condition ... to escape the situation and free yourself from it you have to adopt the mindset that this is not your problem. If he has a problem she has to deal with it and try to fix her issues herself.
But this is what's most telling and I hope you think about it: If it was you who had the "problem" say you had a condition that prevent you from loving her, would she stick with you unconditionally and love you nonetheless?
My STBXW in her crazy way not only didn't thank me for sticking around and loving her regardless of her faults, she portrayed me as the crazy one who needed directions, in her own words "a failure" and blamed me for all the stuff she was doing to me (projection).
JayB I wish I had the answer for you. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in those feelings. I've been going through the same with my stbxh as of late. I have days/even weeks where I feel strong, am making plans to move on...feel like I've accepted we're not going to be together and then I have days like the last few where just the littlest bit of contact from him...good or bad, sends me in a tailspin and I'm a mess again.
I think maybe the 180 is not something you can just say I'm going to do that...and thats that...its just going to have to be a conscious effort from minute to minute, day to day....I'm going to try to start again today...its all I can do for my peace of mind
Jayb,
Brother you know me and you have been connected for awhile, going through similar things. You mentioned that you have to "unlove" her. I used to think that too. I realize that I have to switch my definition of "love" for my stbxw. I have to change the love from that of "wife" to "mother" of my children.
It is the hardest thing I've had to do. Will a part of my heart always love her, YES!!! However, that doesn't change what I have to do with the 180. Remember, the 180 is not about winning her back, it's about making you strong, being able to stand on your own, prepare you for the worse.
At some point you have to make the concerted decision to detach from your feelings. I've said it before and I'll say it again: walkaways are far worse than cheaters, because they are cowards from the start and are too cowardly to ever give you all the answers that you seek.
J, the reason you cannot disengage is because your wife has offered you no closure. She is selfish, immature and a coward. This knowledge is enough in and of itself to despise her. Start despising her. She has done nothing to merit your respect. Posted via Mobile Device
At some point you have to make the cncerted decision to detach from your feelings. I've said it before and I'll say it again: walkaways are far worse than cheaters, because they are cowards from the start and are too cowardly to ever give you all the answers that you seek.
J, the reason you cannot disengage is because your wife has offered you no closure. She is selfish, immature and a coward. This knowledge is enough in and of itself to despise her. Start despising her. She has done nothing to merit your respect. Posted via Mobile Device
Totally agree. My IC says the same about me and my stbxh.
Focus on what she has done to end this and despise her for that if you need to. You tried and she has stopped.
Jayb: I can relate to what you're saying. I think I'm a further along in the detachment from spouse process than you but just last night when I was leaving my old apt my STBXW had a nice conversation and was wearing her sleeping clothes (kind of sexy) and I felt like hugging her - there was a connection. Perhaps I was just horny, don't know.
This is what I can tell you. You don't have to hate your ex. The key here for you to regain your wife or move on with your life is to understand that no one on this earth is worth you putting yourself down for. You deserve to be happy and no one except you should have control over your life. You and ex were not born tied at the hip. You can live without her. You just have to build up confidence (that's what the 180 is for) and set yourself up for success in all aspects of your life.
Another thing ... don't fall into the trap of thinking that the reason she can't love you/show you appreciation is because she has some kind of disease. My STBXW has dealt with depression/low self esteem issues for a long time since her teenage years before she met me. I stayed and took a lot of abuse from her in our marriage thinking she just didn't know better and her condition dictated her actions. Well she was a good friend to her friends and lover to OM with no problems which to me meant that it was all BS.
Even if she has a condition ... to escape the situation and free yourself from it you have to adopt the mindset that this is not your problem. If he has a problem she has to deal with it and try to fix her issues herself.
But this is what's most telling and I hope you think about it: If it was you who had the "problem" say you had a condition that prevent you from loving her, would she stick with you unconditionally and love you nonetheless?
My STBXW in her crazy way not only didn't thank me for sticking around and loving her regardless of her faults, she portrayed me as the crazy one who needed directions, in her own words "a failure" and blamed me for all the stuff she was doing to me (projection).
I lost myself somewhere in the marriage. Became consumed with my wife and then my children, while at the same time getting caught up in everyday routines. I became depressed too, and was on meds, but stopped talking to my wife. Communication severely declined was lacking between both of us.
Now, I'm going through separation/divorce with my wife, at the same time, I am slowly coming out of a depression/social withdrawal. When people suggest hanging out with friends, I ask what friends. My friends were my children and wife. Never did typical "guys night out." My interests and hobbies died out, especially over the past 3 years. My past 3-4 years can be described as being in a severe grey/funk. Drank everyday to numb the pain.
1 of the roles my wife assumed, resented and ultimately came to despise was the caretaker role. In her mind, she took care of ME in most areas in my life. I never asked her to. She just assumed that role. And she felt I didn't reciprocate the caring aspect towards her. Also, I didn't stop her from acting that role. I accepted it as normal.
So, now I'm in emotional pain, her caretaking role wants to help me, but she hates doing it, but she feels so much guilt at not helping me, etc. Viscious circle.
I'm learning independence; making financial decisions, etc. It's the emotional aspect that is so overwhelming at the moment.
I doubt she would stay if I had that same condition. Her level of commitment is far less than I ever imagined.
Jayb,
Brother you know me and you have been connected for awhile, going through similar things. You mentioned that you have to "unlove" her. I used to think that too. I realize that I have to switch my definition of "love" for my stbxw. I have to change the love from that of "wife" to "mother" of my children.
It is the hardest thing I've had to do. Will a part of my heart always love her, YES!!! However, that doesn't change what I have to do with the 180. Remember, the 180 is not about winning her back, it's about making you strong, being able to stand on your own, prepare you for the worse.
That's why some moments are better than others. And why I doubt I'll make it through this.
I don't understand how someone so close to us can change so drastically into someone else.
Again, imo, it would be easier to deal with if there were no children involved. We could both move on. But, we'll always be involved with each other, for the rest of our children's lives. Right now, my love of our children and desire to be with them, ensures plenty of interaction around my wife. To be around her and make that flip from "wife love" to "mother of children" is slow-going and hard.
4Likes
so difficult 
