jsmith0324

I am sorry for the common thread title. This is my first time posting and looking for advice from people that have been in similar situations. A month ago my wife moved out when I went out of town. She stated that she had fallen out of love and wanted a divorce. Our anniversary was 03/24, and she came back 5 days later (03/21). We went out of town and 1 week later she left again. She has told me that she can't get her feelings back. We have had many issues in out marriage but nothing considered major by some standards. A couple that she has mentioned is the fact that 6 months ago, we had to take in my sister for drug issues. She was in a coma and needed open heart surgery so we took care of her. If was a very tough time because when I was not around my sister did things to test my wife. When she mentioned it to me I kinda brushed it off. The reasons for this is because I knew that my sister would get upset and leave. I knew that if she did that, she would go back into the same situation that almost killed her. I also knew that she would be leaving out of state soon to leave with my mom. My wife felt like I turned my back on her during that time. Another issue is when she was at the end of her pregnancy. She became extremely over the top jealous over everything that I did. I have never cheated on her, but during that time she felt I did. We were playing an online game and we were friends with several people that we would talk on the phone with and text. One of them happened to be a female. There was absolutely nothing going on with her and I. Never once was there flirting or anything. Any other time, this would not have been an issue but because of the extreme jealousy situation, I did not tell her. Of course she found out and was extremely hurt. I know 100% that this was a mistake that I regret and I stopped all communication and quit the game. Well 3 years later we was playing a different online game and I heard that she was going to play as well. I told my wife immediately and she said as long as she knows if we talk, she is OK. Well the situation finally happened and I showed her the entire conversation. She said that it crushed her and all those emotions came back. She says that she has held so many things to herself and she started to resent me so everything I did after that was magnified. She has went and got her own phone and bank account and says that she simply cannot be "in love" with me anymore. She is 24 years old and we have a 2 year old child. I am simply not sure what is going on in her head and don't know how it can be fixed. She still talks to me and I'm 90% sure that there is no one else, it just seems all my suggestions are falling on deaf ears.

SockMonkey

I'm sorry to read about your troubles. I wish I had something wise to tell you - I am fresh into this separation business (1 week) and am the last person who should give advice.

But thought I would just say sorry to hear about your troubles and hope that it all works out for you soon.

Conrad

jsmith,

What was your wife's childhood like?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

warlock07

You said you were pretty sure that there is no one else. But check one more time. Go all the way this time. More often than not, there is a 3rd party in most of these scenarios. Read the stories on this forum. Some find the other guy faster than the others and that helps them in the divorce

Lon

One thing that is quite common I have learned since spending time on this site, is that is is very common for a disloyal/cheating spouse to accuse the loyal one of infidelity. Projection.

Like Warlock suggests, really check for another man in the picture (and DO NOT confront your W or ask her if there is because you will get a resounding NO from her regarldless of the actual truth, and if she is right your accusation will have caused damage). Do not accuse, simply investigate. If you feel that you are violating her privacy just remember that according to her its over anyway plus there are some big red flags of infidelity here: 1) no longer in love with you 2) possible projection 3) her multiple instances of leaving then coming back (ie times when she may have been meeting up with the OM 4) blameshifting you for all the things she is saying is causing the marriage not to work - eg spending time with your ill sister, accusing you of having inappropriate contact with other MMORPG players.

Posse

+1

I read the title of the thread, the first sentence of the first post, and was thinking, "Who is the other guy?"

Machiavelli

Did your wife take her daughter with her? You need to DNA the child.

jsmith0324

The only way that I have been able to investigate is through our cell phone bill. I went back 4 months and cannot find anything out of the ordinary. I still know where she is 90% of the time and my first instinct was that there was someone else. I have checked everything that I could to find out if there was another man. I told her that if there was someone else, then there was no way to work this out. However, if there wasn't then we could find a way as long as she was willing to work for it. She again says that she wishes I would stop bringing up someone else because she said if there was another that she would just tell me to leave her alone period. The thing that I am most afraid of is the fact that she is 24 years old and immature. She has always taken the smallest issues (not only in our marriage but life in general) and treated and exaggerated them as if they were huge. I should have seen this coming knowing how she treats problems. The worse thing is that in her mind she actually believes the problems are this big. I truly feel as if she has a mental block of being able to forgive and cope with issues. This may be something internal or just her age.

As far as her childhood, she lived in a broken home and was pampered and eventually moved in with her grandmother. She has always been spoiled, especially by me. The first 6 years, I was the only one that worked and I took care of everything and always gave her what she wanted for the most part.

I just don't know if her mental status changed after the pregnancy or something deeper is going on. I have offered some counseling and some of the people I talk to for her to reach out to. She has never really had a positive role model in her life that she can sit down and talk to that has a pretty good head on their shoulders and that will be honest with her. She had a moment last week where she wanted to reach out to one of the people I talk to, but later changed her mind because I bothered her too much about it.

jsmith0324

We have already discussed the joint custody thing. We are doing the 2-2-3 method right now. I honestly have no doubt that this is my child. We had the perfect relationship until after she was born.

Lon

The thing is YOUR course of action is this - if there is no OM, she is just done and checked out and you have to just let her go. In some ways as sick as it may seem, you chould almost be hoping there IS an OM because it gives you an understanding of the reason for her behavior and course of action - busting it up and getting her out of a fog.

If she is living with you now, buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) or two and hide it under her car seat (using velcro to the underside) or where she spends any amount of time with her phone. Put a keylogger on the computer. Check the backup logs on the computer for deleted text messages or other evidence from her phone if she ever plugs it into her computer. Hire a PI if you really want to check up on her.

If you are not willing to do this, or you find out she isn't cheating, your only course of action is 180 - give her what she is asking for, separate your finances, stop communicating except for business like things, no dates, kissing, hugging affection, go dark on her and focus on yourself, do the things you want live single (though don't go screwing around). Begin detaching.

keko

Check her emails/facebook messages.

jsmith0324

You are correct, there is some emotions where I wish there was another man so I can get closure but I guess I am still holding out some hope that it can work out. I have checked her Facebook and Emails, but there is no mistakes ANYWHERE. Unfortunately, she is not living with me. She left about two weeks ago and is living with her grandmother.

Yesterday, I tld her that I was going to give her the space and time she needed and that I would leave her alone. Even though she is gone, we still talked every day. Of course, I was talking to her about ways to improve our issues but it fell on deaf ears. There was many times that we had productive conversations, but it was mainly me talking trying to save it. I let her know that I cared and the door was always open if she wanted to talk, visit or anything else, but it was time for me to have a little pride in myself.

I just don't know. I like to think that there is still hope there and this is an immaturity thing, but you never know and by the time it is all figured out, it may be too late.

keko

That's basically telling her to live a single life. You know partying/clubbing/dating, etc.

Read up someon this site, what that term leads to.

Mtts

I don't agree. Space can do wonders for hurt relationships. Unfortunately it can lead to someone feeling unhindered by responsibility and using it as an oppertunity. However if this is the case you are BETTER OFF. If it's that easy for her to take off you will be better for it.

I know this is hard, I'm going through my own stuff not quite the same but similar and you just got to keep grounded and it really is a waiting game if you haven't divorced yet. It's a real coin toss but with respect and dignity for yourself your odds are increased.

I'm not familiar with 180 completely but I started utilizing it I guess as soon as my situation occurred. Find a new hobby, get out of the house. Meet new people, don't worry about what she's doing, just try and get out there and break away the old shell your in. Chances are if she notices you feeling alright she'll begin to miss it. Often we revert to who we are in these times and show our significant others why they wanted us to begin with.

Hope this helps and I'm truly sorry you and your best friend are hurting.

bandit.45

You have a typical Walkaway Wife on your hands. Sorry you are going through this.

Best thing to do is go completely dark. Do not contact her in any way or talk to her except when it come to child issues and nothing else.

Start doing the 180. The link is below my post. the 180 will help you emotionally disengage from your wife and make it easier to deal with the emotional trauma she is putting you through.

Go see a lawyer and learn your rights as a father and husband. I am an advocate of divorce, not legal separation. She wants separation so she can run around and find your replacement while you foot the bill and can stay handy as a fallback. Take the fallback position away from her...

Be proactive, file for divorce and have her served. Sometimes getting served can knock a wayward out of the fog and make them see what they stand to lose. If she sees the light and decides to come back to the marriage, you can call the divorce off, or get remarried -- either way you will be ahead of the game and can be on the road to getting her out of your life sooner.