my wife has said she has given up the OM. i don't have concrete proof, but i believe her since she hasn't pulled any punches and she has no incentive to lie at this point. although she's giving up pursuing the EA, she has made clear that she is not ready to reconcile w/ me after so many years of hurt, and is moving to a different company office in a different country for a month to get away and gain some independence.
we've come to a point that the limbo and uncertainty is simply exhausting. i've made very clear my desire to reconcile but one can only bang their head against the wall so much. i've switched to 180 mode, but that seems to suit her just fine, as she feels less guilt about hurting me and probably enjoys the freedom (hence the move to Europe).
we've really boiled down our issues to three things: (i) physical intimacy was lacking, (ii) i've allowed my parents to control our lives too much, and (iii) we disagree on usage of money (i'm a saver, she's a spender). maybe it's the eternal optimist in me, but i think these can be addressed, and there is so much more in our relationship that has been working that to throw it away over these 'fixable' items seems like a shame. however, she thinks these differences are significant enough that she is not ready to reconsider right now.
the CWI forum has advised that i stay strong, that she has checked out, and that i go through with D papers immediately. i know she is fine with D, but perhaps being by herself and dating other guys will provide the wakeup call (not the actual act of filing the papers).
i wanted to get on this forum and get a sense for the experiences people have had that have gone through similar things and are now in the process of D. if you need any further background, please let me know and i'll be happy to oblige. thanks in advance for sharing. this site has been a godsend.
It sucks it came down to this, but if she is hesitant towards her husband and needs more time for herself(time to f*** other guys,in different countries) she isn't fit to be a wife.
Start your paper work before she leaves, don't waste anymore time.
my wife has said she has given up the OM. i don't have concrete proof, but i believe her since she hasn't pulled any punches and she has no incentive to lie at this point. although she's giving up pursuing the EA, she has made clear that she is not ready to reconcile w/ me after so many years of hurt, and is moving to a different company office in a different country for a month to get away and gain some independence.
we've come to a point that the limbo and uncertainty is simply exhausting. i've made very clear my desire to reconcile but one can only bang their head against the wall so much. i've switched to 180 mode, but that seems to suit her just fine, as she feels less guilt about hurting me and probably enjoys the freedom (hence the move to Europe).
we've really boiled down our issues to three things: (i) physical intimacy was lacking, (ii) i've allowed my parents to control our lives too much, and (iii) we disagree on usage of money (i'm a saver, she's a spender). maybe it's the eternal optimist in me, but i think these can be addressed, and there is so much more in our relationship that has been working that to throw it away over these 'fixable' items seems like a shame. however, she thinks these differences are significant enough that she is not ready to reconsider right now.
the CWI forum has advised that i stay strong, that she has checked out, and that i go through with D papers immediately. i know she is fine with D, but perhaps being by herself and dating other guys will provide the wakeup call (not the actual act of filing the papers).
i wanted to get on this forum and get a sense for the experiences people have had that have gone through similar things and are now in the process of D. if you need any further background, please let me know and i'll be happy to oblige. thanks in advance for sharing. this site has been a godsend.
You know what an eternal optimist is right? Its the person that stands on the railroad tracks while the train is coming saying "I'll be ok". Don't be that person. Its weak and its silly. Two qualities that are NOT attractive.
So you think her dating other men will somehow lead her back to you? I would suggest that what you describe is a one sided open marriage. What does she lose in your scenario? She can play at the single life and have you as a fallback in case is doesn't work out. Where does that leave you...second choice, or third, or fourth, or...?
She can say whatever she wants but actions count. She had the affair and is unwilling to make amends. You need to show her with actions that there are consequences. If you file for divorce and she lets it happen she was already gone anyway. If you file and it serves as a wake up call for her then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. Either way she is not with you in the marriage as it stands now. My advice to you is to tell her she can transfer to Europe is she wants but you will file for divorce immediately. Ideally I would have her served before she leaves. Maybe she would think twice about going. I believe this was a work affair correct? To R she should be quitting her job anyway, not jetting off to Europe. If she wants to save your marriage she needs to start working on it with you. Reconciliation takes two people to be successful.
You know what an eternal optimist is right? Its the person that stands on the railroad tracks while the train is coming saying "I'll be ok". Don't be that person. Its weak and its silly. Two qualities that are NOT attractive.
So you think her dating other men will somehow lead her back to you? I would suggest that what you describe is a one sided open marriage. What does she lose in your scenario? She can play at the single life and have you as a fallback in case is doesn't work out. Where does that leave you...second choice, or third, or fourth, or...?
She can say whatever she wants but actions count. She had the affair and is unwilling to make amends. You need to show her with actions that there are consequences. If you file for divorce and she lets it happen she was already gone anyway. If you file and it serves as a wake up call for her then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. Either way she is not with you in the marriage as it stands now. My advice to you is to tell her she can transfer to Europe is she wants but you will file for divorce immediately. Ideally I would have her served before she leaves. Maybe she would think twice about going. I believe this was a work affair correct? To R she should be quitting her job anyway, not jetting off to Europe. If she wants to save your marriage she needs to start working on it with you. Reconciliation takes two people to be successful.
Her lack of remorse concerning her current affair and her voluntarily going to another country while your marriage is in crisis shows that she is already gone.
Add two previous ONSs that you just recently learned about and you can conclude that she checked out of the marriage long ago - she may have never been committed to marriage anyway.
Have her served with D papers before she leaves. There is no down side for you in doing this. It is going to save you a lot of time and pain in the future. I do not believe she will "wake up to reality" and suddenly want to be with you. Unfortunately, it looks like she was playing her games from the start - she just got caught.
Do not believe that she needs time to think about what she wants. She has shown you what she wants and it is not you or a marriage to you.
Dude, she's checked out. Do yourself a favor, start checking out too. I didn't and my ex-wife ended up just using me as a doormat. Want to see a picture of what my life looked like she was done?
thanks all. just so there is no misunderstanding, we are already in the process of filling out the D papers. in our state, we can do a no-fault D. we aren't trying to gouge each other out of each other's assets, we both make about the same amount, and don't have kids, so going forward with this type of D seems to be cleanest. the fact that we can be so unemotional when it comes to filling out the paperwork and deciding who gets what just shows how fargone things are.
beowulf, i refuse to let her 'find herself' through dating of other guys while we are married, which is why i'm rushing w/ the D. i agree with you guys 100% and don't want to end up emotionally destroyed like the pic SRN posted... :P
i guess what i was trying to learn in this forum was what life was like after the D, whether WS had changes of heart, and how BS have coped and gotten on w/ their lives. it's always good to hear others getting through things like this, showing that it can be done. thanks again all.
Good luck Gear. I don't think you have lost much. She's a weakling, and will not be fit to be a wife to any man. She has damned herself to a life of wandering from bed to bed. It is really sad.
i guess what i was trying to learn in this forum was what life was like after the D, whether WS had changes of heart, and how BS have coped and gotten on w/ their lives. it's always good to hear others getting through things like this, showing that it can be done. thanks again all.
It sucks. Right afterwards, anyway. I'm only two months out from when she moved out. And about a week or so from when everything became final, final. I do know it gets better. I've made small steps, and others have made big ones. You'll feel very down for awhile. Losing that special person in your life after so many years. But start getting out there and doing things. Start changing your life. Because thats all that you can do. You and I are fortunate, no kids. So all there is is the emotional bond with our spouses. My recommendation is do the divorce as amicably as possible, but don't let her steamroll you. And then when its done, be done. Cut her out of your life. Walk away.
Hold on tightly, let go lightly.
beowulf, i refuse to let her 'find herself' through dating of other guys while we are married
Quote:
Originally Posted by gear1903
she told me she had fallen for a coworker, and that this had actually happened several months before. She claims it is only an EA, not a PA yet. She has since admitted to two instances of PA in the past (pure emotionless sex
gears I followed you here to be sure you are as ok as can be expected. many have gone thru what you are now, and survived, and you will too. you really sounded a lil codependant for a while, but I am glad to see, you are coming around. Now you know what your faults were in the marriage, so you will be a better man in your next relationship, also you may realize something about your relationship with your parents and your relationships. either way, you will be in a much better place as a mature man. GO GET EM BRO.
thanks oldwolf. i'm getting out a bit more, hanging w/ friends i haven't seen in a while, going to the gym, trying to get my mind off of things. but it's friggin hard to cut someone out of your life that's been there for so long. and seeing her FB posts and stuff where she seems all fine w/ everything, like everything's normal, just drives me up a wall.
i've never really been addicted to anything before so i don't know what withdrawal is like, but i assume it feels like this and it SUCKS!!!!
haven't called/texted/anything for only 3 days and it feels like eternity. i assume it can only get better from here...
Gear: I just got through reading all of your posts and I couldn't agree more! It's high time that you moved on ~ it greatly appears that your STBXW has detached from you quite a while ago and has effectively moved on, exactly what you should be doing. Like is just all too short to be putting up with crap like that!
Trust me, there's a caring lady out there who will absolutely love you with her entire heart and being, and would be extremely honored to be the mother of your kids. That's what life is all about and, my friend, you unequivocably deserve it.
Keep us posted as we'll continue to be here for you! God's speed! And yes, Gear, it will definitely get better!
good idea SRN - i guess it's just a sign of weakness (or that i'm a glutton for punishment) that i haven't blocked her on FB and unfriended her yet.
and thx for the kind words arbitrator. when i read other ppl's posts that are in many ways similar to mine, i can easily say 'what is this guy doing, get out while you can!', but when it's your own relationship, it's so hard to look at it objectively, so i appreciate the posters on TAM who tell it like it is.
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moved from CWI to going-through-divorce... 
