the guy

In may case my fWW had her new friends that effected the dynamics of the marriage in a bad way. Then she had her real friends, friends that didn't have a clue to my fWW 2nd life of ONS and her rotation of hook ups.

See the real friends are the ones that will help you, the other friends that enable her will continue to give her bad advise with regard to her children.

You need to find your allies and your enemies. You need to find out how bad she realy is with regard to capacity to care for the kids after the divorce.

EleGirl

Others have said this. You need not put pressure on her current lifestyle.

She is a SAHM. She needs to get a job now to support herself. After all she wants a divorce. If she has to work she will have less time for her shenanigans.

Since you are fighting to be the 100% custodian of your children now, perhaps you should start practicing this role now. Cut off the credit card and you start doing all of the grocery shopping. After all you will need to do this if you have custody of the children. You prepare all of the meals for your children. Again you will have to do this. Tell her that you are taking the children out to eat a few days a week. Or tell her that you will cook dinner.

Take the children out and do things with them.. movies, zoo, parks, get involved in their school, etc.

If you do this she will most likely just stay out and do whatever she is doing. All of this will put you more in the position of being the primary care giver.

Find day care for your children and you take them and drop them off. This will free your wife to become less and less the care giver of the children and it will give her the time to job hunt. Just out an tell her that you are putting them in day care because she needs to find a job to support herself now that she is getting a divorce.

On the topic of you telling her to move out. At some point the two of you will separate. It would be best is you kept the family home and she moved out. She cannot move the children out of the family home without a court order to do so. If she tries, get your attorney to call an emergency court hearing to prevent her from moving them out or to get her to return them to the family home. Keeping your current home as the family home is very important because the courts hate to disrupt the children. They want the children to suffer as little as possible through the family breakup and after. If she even talks about taking them out of state have your attorney file in court to prevent her from taking them out of state. Be proactive, do this NOW.

Is there any chance that your wife has become involved with illegal drugs? Her behavior, quite honestly, does point to a very high probability of this. You can get drug testing kits at drug stores… get a kit that tests hair. You can get some of her hair and send it in for testing. I know a guy who did this when his wife’s behavior took a turn like your wife’s has. It turned out she was using heroin. He then petitioned the court to have her take a drug test before she could have unsupervised visitation with the children. It was 6 months before she would take the drug test. He ended up with 100% legal and physical custody of the children and she got occasional visitation because she refused the drug test for so many months. It’s clear that she refused the drug test because she was on drugs. She wanted to be clean before she took the test.

Have you asked your attorney what data you can gather that will help you get at least 50% custody of the children if not 100% with her only having visitation? Since you live in a no fault state, I believe that the only thing that can help you is data that shows that she is not taking care of the children and/or she is a danger to them.

If your wife is taking on the phone at home while you are not there or all night, put a VAR in the room where she is doing the talking. You will find out a lot about what is going on by doing this. I have a bit of a different opinion on this than others do. Knowledge is power. The more information you can gather about what she is up to, the more you will be able to either get her back into the marriage or fight a good fight to win the major custody of your children. Just find a place in the room to put the VAR… like Velcro it to the bottom of a couch, a bed, under a dresser, etc.
Since you use the home computer, put a key logger on it. You think that she is not using it. But she might be when you are not there. While there are a lot of nice fancy phones out there, they are cumbersome on the internet compared to using a computer.
Whatever you do, do not move out of the family home and leave the children with her. I know that you have not mentioned this, but I have seen people here leave the family home their spouse demands it. She cannot kick you out of the family home without a court order. The court will not order either spouse out unless there is domestic violence or once the divorce if final and it is decided which spouse will stay in the family home.

__________________
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I want the kids!

I may have typed this already but...
Friday I asked my wife is she had been looking for a job or if she expected me to keep paying for everything. That didn't go over so well as you can guess. Then Sat she said something about talking to her lawyer and moving out with the kids. She thinks she can but I'm not so sure but believe me I am writing an e-mail to my lawyer before I go to bed tonight.

Later Sat we took the kids to the traveling circus. It was nice we laughed and smiled etc. But as soon as we got home she started to get ready to go out. Left at 6:45 and didn't get home until 4:30 ish.
I got supper for the kids and played and put them to bed etc.
while she was out all night again. In the morning she was hungover with a puke pail. I asked if she could watch the kids and I left for the day to go work on my van at my sisters. Her husband has a lift I can use.

It is so hard to believe my wife has fallen so far.

I think she has had some sort of mental break. I found letters dated a year ago that lead me to think she wouldn't be around. Maybe suicidal? I feel sorry for her and really care for her well being but I'm e-mailing my lawyer tonight to call asap in the morning. I pushed her friday about work and paying for things and she said she could move and take the kids. Not leave town but out of our house. I can not let that happen!

arbitrator

With no employment or even prospects of such, your wife is going to be rather hard-pressed to take the kids as she's aptly demonstrated that she can not financially support them.

Get in touch with your legal counsel, pronto!

__________________
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

I want the kids!

I found some letters adressed to the family, one for each of us that my wife wrote Feb 2011. I really wanted to know what was in them because they say not to be opened until she was gone and in my case until she was off the planet! So I steamed them open and read away. The way they read she was or is suicidal! I felt so sick after reading them. I was torn between fessing up and trying to get her help or just keeping copies for court if it comes to that. I know it was over a year ago but it still bothers me a lot. I read them again today and broke down in tears. To think my wife was/is hurting so bad and all the things she is doing now with the fast and loose free sex etc to anyone that posts on craig's. I don't know what to do. I am very scared for her. I don't think the marriage is fixable but I would still like to think the kids will be able to have a good mom. The way she is acting now I worry about the kids a little during the day.

Anyone else out there willing to share such a sad hurtful story please give me some sort of support. If not here directly in a PM. Anything would help. I'm at work and starting to cry again. This is so hard...

Conrad

Is she doing this partying etc. on your dime?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Shaggy

I'm not trying pike it on, but cheaters can't be good moms they simply can't.
Posted via Mobile Device

arbitrator

On the way to your lawyers office, make an IC counseling session for yourself and bring those letters along. After all, the life that you save may very well be hers, one of your kids, or quite possibly your very own!

__________________
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

I want the kids!

Yes. I have not given her any more money since she told me she wanted a divorce but our tax return just got put into her acct so she is liquid. Thinking back I wonder if she was waiting for that to come in so she had money to file etc.??
This whole thing is sad. My poor kids...

I want the kids!

Do you have any suggestion on how to find a good IC? Also money is tight. I actually don't know how I will pay for daycare in the future but try not to think about it too much. I'll do what I have to one way or another. Hate to cash in my 401K but my kids are worth more than my future.

arbitrator

Just go online and do a search for "family counselors" in your city or county. The going rate here in Texas seems to be about $70-75/hr. and you may actually be able to find some who will work with you because of the lack of available funds on your part. Given your situation, I just think that seeing one will do you and your kids an absolute world of good!

P.S. I take it that you filed a joint tax return with STBXW? If so, how did she get that refund check into her bank account without your signature on it?

__________________
"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

I want the kids!

Direct deposit / e-file, is how she got the money.

I want the kids!

So I recorded the living room yesterday and found she basically let my son sit in the room with the TV on while she got ready to go who knows where. She left at 10am and didn't get back until 3 something I think. This is my first recording so I may have the hours wrong? Really pisses me of how she is treating the kids. I can understand if she treats me bad she is leaving me but the kids? If she really wants them I would think she would try to show better care unstead of worse.

keko

Keep recording these, they'll come in handy when you push for child custody.

DTO

Get yourself some IC so that you do not freak out and instead find the strength to be the stable father your kids need. You job will be harder since, when with the kids, you will be entirely responsible for meeting their needs. Then, if your stbx is the way you say she is, she won't be prioritizing your kids and giving them the attention they need, which will add to your responsibility even more.

Get your lawyer and get thyself to court to request custody of your kids. How can she parent effectively if she's drinking until she's so hung over she cannot function? The kids are in danger of neglect if she moves out of state with them as she would like.

I've said this before, but you may want to go full bore and get a custody evaluation. The point is to have a psychologist dig into the family situation and assess dynamics, parenting issues, and personality issues in order to make recommendation in the best interest of the children. If you can get an expert to say (at a minimum) that the kids are best served by you having regular physical contact, you are in a good position to stay involved and make sure they are well cared-for.