Few questions on the 180
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Old 04-17-2012, 11:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Few questions on the 180

I have a question about the 180. OK, basically I understand it's logic and appreciate, really, all the points mentioned. I can see how, perhaps, it would make a difference if a wife was say hurting but not totally gone in her mind. But I am wondering if it is applicable in my situation. My wife is a WAW, not interested in trying, and prefers not to even discuss trying (since she says it shows I do not respect her decision....). She says she does not love me any more, and realized that this has been her state for the last 1-2 years.

So I have two questions:

1. In such a case, does the 180 stand a chance? Or is she too far gone?

2. If you do the 180, does that not send a signal that "hey, he is OK, coping, getting on with life" and therefore she will think that everything is "OK" and I am getting over her and no longer interested in reconciliation?
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Old 04-18-2012, 01:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

I have the same question you do but the way I understand this is the 180 deal is to help you feel better and move on. She is going to do what she wants anyway.

I really want to get back to a happy family type thing but I don't think my wife will do it even if I was perfect at this point.

She is on her phone all hours of the night sending porn pics to a guy she hooked up with. My wife said the same things you posted about yours so I fear you are in the same boat. Time to get the paddle out and head for shore. Meaning prep for the worst and move on.

I am still going to do the 180 stuff but plan on it helping me not her.

Good luck,
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Old 04-18-2012, 02:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

I had/have the exact same questions. I understand the 180 is for me. Anything else will seem manipulative. Also, by having the goal of the 180 reconciling with your wife, you are putting all of its power onto someone else. Think about it. What would happen if you followed the 180 for 2 straight months and then she wanted to talk about reconciling. You'd probably dump the 180, thinking that you reached your goal.


The hard reality is this: Your wife is not coming back now. Maybe ever. So, what do you do? How do you go on? That's what the 180 is for.


Your situation sounds similar to mine. It stinks. It's hard. I don't know what I'm going to do.
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Old 04-18-2012, 02:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

Agree with all the comments about the 180 being for you, not a manipulation tool to change her mind.

But, on top of that, things aren't working out the way you've acted up until now, right? So, changing the way you interact with her can't make it any worse, can it?
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by eyesopen View Post
1. In such a case, does the 180 stand a chance? Or is she too far gone?
The 180 has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. It was never meant to be a tool that "helps" your WAW comes to her senses and run after you. It is there to HELP YOU piece back your life after it has been shattered. It is a guideline to help you take your mind off of this one area of your life that is broken and focus on all the other things in your life that are not. It is very tempting to focus on using it to win her back, I know, I have been there. DON'T! You must at this juncture do the complete opposite of what your mind and heart are screaming for you to do and that is to stop focusing on her and start focusing on you ( for the right reasons )

Quote:
Originally Posted by eyesopen View Post
2. If you do the 180, does that not send a signal that "hey, he is OK, coping, getting on with life" and therefore she will think that everything is "OK" and I am getting over her and no longer interested in reconciliation?
How she interprets things is her own business. Let me ask you a question. If she loved you would she come back to you? Think carefully about that. If she doesn't care for you then why would you want her back? Right now you are hurting, confused, emotional and all those things so naturally you would fight like mad for her but the reality is this, relationships do end. You may think that the right thing to do is to fight for her because she is confused and can't make the right decision and one day she will come to her senses and love you all the more etc etc. The nature of love is sacrifice. If you love someone you hold them with an open hand and you love them irrespective of what they do to you. That is real love and it by no means insinuates that you have to be with her. You can love her unconditionally and let her go. Everything else is us just "wanting" for ourselves. If she wants out and no longer loves you, then if you love her, what is the right thing to do?

Remember there are two people here. There is WAW and then there is you. Right now both of you are concentrating on her. Use the 180 to work on you. Take it in steps. Try 1 day, then 3 days, then a week. Set small goals and work dillengently and you will be very surprised at what you discover about you and your wife when that fog starts clearing away
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Old 04-19-2012, 12:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pathfinder View Post
The 180 has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. It was never meant to be a tool that "helps" your WAW comes to her senses and run after you. It is there to HELP YOU piece back your life after it has been shattered. It is a guideline to help you take your mind off of this one area of your life that is broken and focus on all the other things in your life that are not. It is very tempting to focus on using it to win her back, I know, I have been there. DON'T! You must at this juncture do the complete opposite of what your mind and heart are screaming for you to do and that is to stop focusing on her and start focusing on you ( for the right reasons )



How she interprets things is her own business. Let me ask you a question. If she loved you would she come back to you? Think carefully about that. If she doesn't care for you then why would you want her back? Right now you are hurting, confused, emotional and all those things so naturally you would fight like mad for her but the reality is this, relationships do end. You may think that the right thing to do is to fight for her because she is confused and can't make the right decision and one day she will come to her senses and love you all the more etc etc. The nature of love is sacrifice. If you love someone you hold them with an open hand and you love them irrespective of what they do to you. That is real love and it by no means insinuates that you have to be with her. You can love her unconditionally and let her go. Everything else is us just "wanting" for ourselves. If she wants out and no longer loves you, then if you love her, what is the right thing to do?

Remember there are two people here. There is WAW and then there is you. Right now both of you are concentrating on her. Use the 180 to work on you. Take it in steps. Try 1 day, then 3 days, then a week. Set small goals and work dillengently and you will be very surprised at what you discover about you and your wife when that fog starts clearing away

Thanks for this reply. I appreciated that I can still love her unconditionally, yet not be with her.
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Old 04-19-2012, 12:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayb View Post
Thanks for this reply. I appreciated that I can still love her unconditionally, yet not be with her.
Well listen, most things are easier said than done but my point being is the entire concept of the 180 is to focus on YOU and to help you out of the fog of hurt, pain, fear, anger and everything else. If you do it properly for the right reasons it can literally save your life. Good luck to you brother
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Old 04-20-2012, 09:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

As I've mentioned a few times and to echo others...the whole 180 thing is often misinterpreted on here as some sort of magic bullet - which simply doesn't exist.

Some people, whether it be their individual personality or the particular circumstances surrounding their breakups, feel the need to do a full on hard 180 in order to break themselves away and get right in their heads about moving forward. If that is you, then its great advice to follow. If you feel you can do that without being so hard, then more power to you.

But it is not something to try as a ploy to try to get your stbx back. In fact, I'd personally go so far as to say if you truly do (whatever version of) a 180 right, the chances are that you may well find it is you who doesn't want the ex back.
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Few questions on the 180

Quote:
Originally Posted by worrieddad View Post
In fact, I'd personally go so far as to say if you truly do (whatever version of) a 180 right, the chances are that you may well find it is you who doesn't want the ex back.
Amen!!
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