So, over the past few days, I've noticed my stbxw become more stand-offish, distant. First, she tolf me she wanted the children to herself on 1 of the weekend days (her scheduled day). No problem.
Then, a few days ago, I randomly ran into her and the children at the local grovery store (on her scheduled day). Her facial expressions could kill. The children were excited to see me, but she rushed them along.
Yesterday, she did not attend our child's tee ball practice, like she usually would. Didn't email or text later to ask how it went.
Now today, I had to drop something off at the house, like I usually do after a night with me, and she wasn't there (her father was).
So, I'm taking these instances to mean:
There's another man.
She is performing the 180.
She cannot stand the guilt/sadness with me around, so she is drastically cutting facetime between us.
I'm hurt. I am working things on my own timetable, when now, she may be ramping up no contact as a way of moving on, etc. I understand, nothing is there between us, and seeing her today, would not have raised my hopes, but I expected to see her.
How have you all dealt with spouse cutting contact with you? I might as well already plant the seed that she has another guy which limits her responses with me. If so, how can I get that into my head and accept it--faster rather than slower?
I can answer your first question .... i responded to him cutting me off by doing exactly what you said in your third response....I avoid him as much as i can. It hurts to see him. I don't know how reconciliation would ever happen with me doing this, but I'm getting slowly to the point where I just don't care any more. I've begun concentrating on me and mostly only me.
I'm sorry...I hope its not the first or at least she would have the respect to tell you.
I'm going to ask her to tell me if she is avoiding me on purpose for whatever reason. At least then I'll know, rather than wondering what it means when she refuses something, or doesn't show up for something.
She's making the break. This was her plan. Just keep moving forward and detaching. Don't try to guess why. You'll probably never get the answers you want. That's her sole source of power: obfuscation. Posted via Mobile Device
I can talk the big talk because it hasn't happened to me yet but I think you need to do the 180 and move on. Try not to let it effect the kids though the best you can.
So, by letting go, and following the 180, I am immediately to:
stop all initiated contact (calls, texts, emails, family time, visits)
act indifferent if/when I'm around, show no emotions either way
answer her in as little words as possible
avoid her presence if at all possible
It sounds like a spiteful reaction.
And, we are coming up on the mediation phase in early May where we come to agreements on the assets.
I assumed we could minimize costs and time by doing it ourselves; sitting down and hashing it out. However, by both ratcheting up our non-responses to one another, wouldn't it then escalate by getting lawyers involved to fight?? Because, after all, we aren't speaking to each other except in 1 syllable words.
Which is why I want/expect her to tell me that yes, she, for whatever reason, is further distancing herself from me in order to start healing. From which, I'd accept her response and deal with my pain away from her, by 180. This is my wife, who said she wanted to remain friends, divorce amicably. All I want is direct communication stating such.
STBXH told me he wanted to be friends too- you know what that did it allowed him to continue to hurt ME. If you ask it just gives her the power to know that she still has a hold on you/your emotions. I have been able to do a 180 with stbxh and the actual divorce portion has been amicable and we have been able to discus-the divorce issues without any problems- I follow the kids/business only rule- and the divorce is business. Personally, and this is just me because i think 180 needs to be adapted to the individual situations, I will freely talk with stbxh for whatever length of time about the kid or business items, i dont cut it short or try to get him off the phone on those items. Now if he starts complaining about his life or asking about mine conversation is ended.
I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?
So, by letting go, and following the 180, I am immediately to:
stop all initiated contact (calls, texts, emails, family time, visits)
act indifferent if/when I'm around, show no emotions either way
answer her in as little words as possible
avoid her presence if at all possible
It sounds like a spiteful reaction.
I agree with you on that...sometimes it is necessary however for one to move on, but that is dependent on many things, not least of which are the two people involved and how you cope with stuff individually.
If you are personally up to it, you can do it somewhat softer. For example, to take your points:
1. On this one, I wouldn't contact her about anything other than to do with the children that you need her input on. Do not initiate chit chat or any of that. If she calls you, then its up to you...but I would say get out of the YOU always calling/texting/emailing her" mindset. Familytime...sounds like she doesn't want it, so I'd honor that. Make your own family time - you and your kids....not with her.
2. Act indifferent - yep, I do agree with this, but it doesn't have to be as damning as it sounds. You can still do it while being nice and polite.
3. I don't agree with answering in as little words as possible...seems a bit childish to me. But back to point 1...there actually isn't that much that requires answering - when you've got your kids, do what you like with them. Only call her if you are really stuck on something that you absolutely need her input on (can't find something critical, medical concerns etc), otherwise, act as you see fit.
4. Avoid her presence....no, I wouldn't go out of the way to avoid my stbx - why should you be skulking about worrying where she might be? That's no way to go....you've every right to go where you please. Should you bump into her....polite indifference is all that's required as per point 2. If she is annoyed to see you wherever you are (i.e. your grocery store example), well, that's her problem to deal with...not yours.
On your "DIY" breakup potential without spiraling...on that, I would leave a channel open to discuss with her. You can combine that with "Point 2, indifference" - just casually mention it - "Hey, by the way, we need to get together and start thrashing out how its going to go. When do you have some time for that?"
I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?
As mentioned above...I am managing a version of it. One thing though....you DO have to detach, you DO have to quit - romantically. To not be able to do that is very bad for you. I still do care a lot about my stbx...but not romantically anymore - having a torrid fling with someone a lot younger than me really helped me out on that score!
I consider the 180 and then I think "I don't want to be like that. Cold and indifferent. I don't want to meet bitterness with bitterness. I don't want to detach; to quit. She may have done it, but that's not who I am." Anyone else feel this way? Or is this just co-dependent b.s.?
I felt that way for a few months but he has show absolutely no sign of changing his mind or remorse for what he has done to our family. I have pulled a hard 180 and am done, ready to move on.
That's not to say that if he started change (soon) I wouldn't consider it, but he would have to make major changes/efforts (I don't see it) and he'd have to do it before I got serious w/ someone else. The door isn't shut completely to anyone right now... I am open to all possibilities but I am ready to move on w/ my life.
There's a difference between rude/spiteful and detached.
No one is saying to be mean to your ex. No one is saying to turn and walk the other way. Treat her the same way you would with any stranger; politely, but with distance...because, like it or not, she is now a stranger. The woman you knew has left the building.
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Gonna spiral 
