im new and have really dug myself into a hole.
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

My husband left me back in Oct. I moved out of our house at 8 months pregnant. He is in the army so he is still down where he is stationed which is 6 hours away. I moved back home to our home state back in with my mom. We did end up reconciling after 2 months apart when he came up to meet our 2nd son after i gave birth. He asked me to move back down there but i told him no because my oldest is in school and i would have switched him from school 3 times if i moved back down there, i did not want to do that. He was going to be getting out of the army in a few months anyways. So we tried working things out and having a long distance relationship. He ended up getting kicked out of the army and he ended things with me the next day. He told me that the minute i told him i wouldnt move back down that he gave up on the relationship. He said if i would have moved back down there this wouldnt be happening.

So now he is getting out within a month, he is not moving back up to our home state. He is moving somewhere down in North Carolina, but i dont know where. He said he has a friend who is going to get him a job. He is getting money to go to school. So i guess this is really it because he is staying down there.

i have emotionally been up and down. I cant get my emotions in check. I am furious that he is staying down there, not only because then we'll never work it out, but also because we have 2 boys together. I want him around for our kids.

I know i need to change in our relationship, i am very hard headed and sort of have a its my way or the high way attitude towards him. I know i need to change that. I dont really know how to begin to even change that.

I feel horrible. I want to sell the suv he bought me, delete my email, change my phone number and disappear. I am obviously doing all the wrong things as well because everytime we talk we usually end up fighting again.

i dont know how to get my feelings in check. i know i need to go limited contact, but its so hard!
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

How old is the child in school? The reason I ask is that if he's still very young in ekementary school I think he'd rebound from another move; especially if it meant there was a real chace if you saving your marriage. It woukd certainly make the move worth it. Maybe H doesnt want to move back to home state because of employment/education opportunities. I'm just guessing in that one. You said youve always had a your way or the highway attitude, maybe this us your chance to compromise and show him youre making an effort to change that attitude...that is only if you want to change it and possibly make a go at reconcilliation.
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

Sorry for all the spelling errors :-) big fingers, little keys!!!
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

How long have you and hubby been married? how long together (before marriage)?

How old are your boys?

WHY did hubby leave you in October (before reconciliation)?

WHY was hubby 'kicked out' of the Army?

Answers to these questions would help give us better insight.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

Sorry i didnt mention all of that! We have been married for 5 years. (hes been in the military for 4 this aug). We were together 4 months and got married (really quick i know!).

My son in school is 6. He started school down there in sept, he was at that school for 2 weeks, and then started school up here and was in school here 2 or 3 months before he asked me to move back down. I have been dragging my kids up and down from Maryland to North Carolina 5 or 6 times within the past 4 years because of deployments, training, and then him kicking me out.

He kicked me out in oct because we fought a lot. He just got back from Afghanistan a year ago and he said the fighting on top of his mental issues from being deployed drove him to his breaking point. But he got back from Afghanistan and did nothing but sleep, he skipped work all of the time, and did nothing. i was pregnant and doing everything and i use to nag him to do stuff around the house (take out the heavy trash, mow the lawn.)

He got kicked out of the army from doing drugs back in Oct after i left. He did join a drug rehab group on base and got help for the drug issues.

I did offer to move back down there once my son was out of school and offered again and he said no it was too late.

I think the relationship would work better up here. We had a pretty good married when we lived up in our home state. We have no life outside of our kids in Nc. We had NO relationship at all because we knew no one good enough to babysit our kids so we never have any a lone time. When we come up to MD to visit we get a long so well because we can get a babysitter and go out and have us time.

The relationship is really complicated because he has a lot of mental issues from being deployed, but he wont talk about how he feels, what hes going through and what happened over there.

im doing all the wrong stuff though. i have texted him a few times angry and starting fights. I wish we could reconcile, but dont know if we can over come this. A lot of mean things have been said and i have filed for child support because he hasnt been helping financially since we ended things again a month ago.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

Honestly, I think you're doing the right thing by staying put. Your kids need stability and someone to look after their interests. Uprooting again when your husband hasn't changed is foolish, if you ask me. The ideal solution may be something like him getting the help he needs while living in your area, and the two of you dating all over again. Obviously, the ability to find a job and support you has an impact, but that may mean him traveling back and forth on the weekends until you feel more comfortable that he's changed.

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Old 04-22-2012, 09:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Honestly I wouldn't uproot your child for another move back. What if your husband decided after a month to kick you out again?

It sounds like he doesn't have the kid's interests at heart and is being a little selfish and stubborn too. You are both strong personalities pushing for what you want. As hard as it is, don't ring or text when you are spoiling for a fight. Keep it business and talk about the kids, but otherwise work on yourself and do your best for the people that count- you and your kids.

Your h would be wise to find a professional to talk to about what's going on with him.

You have just had a baby. You had to leave at 8 months pregnant. Leaving someone is hard enough when you're not pregnant. Add hormones into the mix and the stress of worrying how you are going to do as a single mother... no wonder you are feeling like you are!

Just remember to channel your anger into positive outlets and let it motivate you to do all the things you want and need to do. Don't waste your anger on your husband. Transform it and do great things. You sound like a strong woman, use that to your advantage, too! I have complete and utter faith in you that you will
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

As hard as it may be right now you are doing the right thing both of your boys and for you.

Your husband has issues, the fact that he started using drugs is an indicator of that. And he needs to sort himself out before he can be with anyone.

Also are you seriously thinking that you blew the relationship simply because you said 'no' to him when he asked to you uproot and move back to base? He obviously didn't care if it upset his son to be moved from pillar to post and back again. And he didn't think about the upset on his son or you when you were 8 months pregnant and he threw you out.

These behaviours show that he is only thinking about himself and not about you or his kids. So can you really trust him to be different 'the next time'?

And you say that things are better when you are in your home state because you can go out and socialise. But marriages are about more than just being able to have fun when you go out. Marriage is about being comfortable with each other, about being able to be in each others company without getting irritated, angry and arguing. If the only time that you two are happy and enjoying each others company is when you are out being distorted by other things and other people, then I am sorry to say that that is not a marriage that has any solid foundations.

Perhaps at this time you need to stay where you are in your home state so that you have a good support network for you and your boys. Allow your husband to do what he needs to do.

I realise that it hurts to be left and abandoned and even blamed by him. But the 'if you loved me' argument is about manipulation and guilt tripping - not love. And do you really want to be in a relationship based on manipulation and arguments?

Of course you feel angry. You've been betrayed, abandoned and rejected by the man that you agreed to be with for the rest of your life. And that hurts, and hurt can so easily turn into anger. Try to have as little contact with him as you can. If you do need to talk to him I would suggest that you write out a script of what you need or want to say and STICK TO IT. Don't get sidetracked into arguing. Just keep to your script and keep repeating it as calmly as you can. And please think about seeing a therapist even for just a few sessions to help you to start working through the emotions that you are feeling. It can help to ease that pressure cooker feeling that makes you want to blow up at your husband.

And there is someone I would suggest to you for that. Her name is Dr Anna Michelle - check out her website at Help and Healing for Getting Over a Break UP | Break Up Solution

Hope this helps.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I tried to explain to him that i didnt want to keep dragging the kids up and down the east coast, but he said our son's only in kindergarten and he'd bounce back. He said its not like hes a senior in high school and leaving all his friends. But he was just getting settled in up here and honestly the school he is in now is so much better than the other school, it seems. My son has adhd and it took him a while to adjust and he finally was adjusting and doing better in school, i didnt want to ruin that. i love my husband and wanted to work stuff out, but i had to also do whats best for my son also. He cant decide for himself, so i made the decision to keep him at a better school and not to keep changing schools on him. If i would have moved it would have been changing school for him 3 times within3 or 4 months. Thats insane! Didnt want to do that.


We get a long even when we arent going out, but when we were down in NC it became all about the kids and doing things for the kids. By the time the kids went to sleep he had to go to bed to get up at 4 am for work. We have both said there's just not really a relationship there anymore because we never get time to our self. i dont think we need time to go out all the time, but even sometime to just hang out and talk a lone without being interrupted would probably help.

Thank you for all the advice about the anger, i am about to lose insurance because of him being kicked out of the army, so i am going to try to get a few free counseling sessions in before i lose my insurance. I get 10 free counseling sessions through the military. I should take advantage of them now while i can.


Thanks again everyone.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Good woman! I'm so proud of you! I nearly cheered! You are using what resources you have to your best advantage and doing what is in the interest of your boys foremost. It is such a hard thing to do, but you are living it, and doing so with grace!
Best wishes to you, and all the best for the future! Stick around and let us all know how you go. I'm sure we will hear you have succeeded in whatever you undertake
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: im new and have really dug myself into a hole.

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Originally Posted by alone_not_lonely View Post
Good woman! I'm so proud of you! I nearly cheered! You are using what resources you have to your best advantage and doing what is in the interest of your boys foremost. It is such a hard thing to do, but you are living it, and doing so with grace!
Best wishes to you, and all the best for the future! Stick around and let us all know how you go. I'm sure we will hear you have succeeded in whatever you undertake
Thank you so much! Hoping there will be a reconciliation thread but i doubt that. He says he wants a divorce fast and is done for good. Im sure ill be venting here a lot
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by momtoboys View Post
Thank you so much! Hoping there will be a reconciliation thread but i doubt that. He says he wants a divorce fast and is done for good. Im sure ill be venting here a lot
I hope he pulls his head out of his @ss and tries, too, I really do. However, I do have the distinct feeling that if it doesn't go that way for you, you and the kids will do just fine. It takes a lot of guts to pull off what you are doing, and lady, I believe you've got it!
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