DON'T BE HER SHOULDER TO CRY ON!!!!!
I did this in the beginning and all it did was boost her ego so the divorce was easier on her. Nevermind when I needed her she was no where to be found. She is just using you to get over the sting of this and will dump you like a sack of bricks the moment she feels better.
Ok, this is a unhealthy codependent attachment and she is losing respect for you by the day. Let me put it like this.... If you love her, then stop loving her and enabling her to sponge off of you. She needs to experience what divorce really means without you in her life.
Tell her this beautiful line I found on another forum..... "I know you're hurting too, but this was your decision and because of that, I'm the only person in the world who can't make you feel better about it. I've tried everything I could to make you feel better and stay friends through this but I have to let you go".
She broke up with you so accept her deal and finish what she started by breaking up with her too.... Tell her you need time to cool off and reject her for a while. Trust me, she will respect you even more for not chasing after her or wanting her when she's being cold towards you. Give her six months to experience what lonliness and pain divorce brings and see that the grass isn't all that greener. Don't worry abou her dating.... that's none of your buisness and that guy can never replace you.
Once you get back your confidence, take her off her pedestal, and completely stop needing her..... you can think about talking to her a little. This is not to say you cant say "hello" every once in a while but you both need this time to grow and heal.
Seriously, nice work Jellybeans!
I just read the whole thing twice. I think there is a little more to #4 that can be elaborated. Something to do with contacting you to test your emotional investment and keep you in the little black book, since some people competely change numbers to avoid exes. There's more to it involving jealousy attempts and codependency, cries for help, and emergencies but those all have to do with ego stroking.
That is really good stuff Jellybeans. Really good. Some hard stuff to swallow but on point for sure. It is really weird, I posted this thread this morning and later today she sent me a text about something that I would normally call right away about. B/c of this thread I did not.
TOTAL SILENCE from her since that moment. So predictable and sad.
Nsweet - You really are a person who understands this mess we are all in. Getting her off the pedestal is something I can't seem to do but am confident I will in time. How oh how do I stop wanting her!?!?!
I think the thing you say that makes the most sense in my life is this, "If you love her, then stop loving her and enabling her to sponge off of you. She needs to experience what divorce really means without you in her life. " And you're right about her losing respect for me every time I bend over backwards. God I hope I can get this through my thick skull.
I think my STBXW is doing the same thing. Last week she wanted to get a check for the last month of our cell family plan and texted asking if she could come over. I said no, I'll leave it at her place when I picked up our oldest daughter (xw was still at work).
Then on Sunday when picking up our daughters she says that she needs me to sign a form allowing her to skip her car payment this month (she's always been bad at managing money). Since my name is on the note too, I said yes to save my credit. Later that night she texts asking if she can come over tomorrow (yesterday) for me so sign it. I said no I already have plans, but send it with our youngest daughter to daycare and I'll send it back with her to daycare the next day.
And now today, just 10 minutes after I get off work, she texts me saying the form is in our youngest daughter's bag, that she bought new toothbrushes for them to keep at my house but that she forgot to pack toothpaste and she's really sorry. I said it's fine, I've already got toothpaste for them, and I'll put her mail and the form in the bag as promised. She said "Ok, thanks. :-)" She hasn't texted me an emoticon in weeks.
Nothing nearly as major as "Wanna hang out?" or anything, but I've been 180 dark for essentially a month now. There was a period where we didnt text for about 2-3 weeks, but know its almost every other day frlm her. She's starting to fish a little. And I wish she would stop. She chose to have an EA, she chose to move out, and she chose to ignore my attempts to reconcile. I'm done now. I'm trying to be civil, but that's all I can do. I'm not doing the 180 to win her back...I'm doing the 180 to move on. Maybe she'll finally get it someday and stop playing games. Posted via Mobile Device