Just Down

SRN · 04-27-2012, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jayb

In the past, I used to go out and drink. Just to be around others at night. To avoid being alone. That got expensive quick. I then tolerated being alone at night by drinking. That was money too. Now, I'm training myself at being alone, without drinking. Been doing that for months. It's hard, but is doable. Eventually, I'll be strong enough to be comfortable and not be bothered.

I look around at couples and wonder how they can be happy. Maybe they just aren't at a critical point like we were. Don't all couples face some major hardship in their relationships at some point? Then, I compare my willingness to improve relationships to friends and other people who are miserable in their relationships. How come I'm not in a relationship. This thinking spirals. It can get out of hand, but eventually, it runs its course.

Its not so much drinking, its food, movies, laser tag (yes, laser tag. Who would have thought?), go karts. That stuff. I know that when I'm alone, particularly when I was at "our" place after she left, I'd just end up in the downward spiral emotionally. Maybe once I get into the new place I'll be more content at being alone.

And helping with relationships... crazy. It's like I've become some sort of guru. I see all this crap and tell it to friends and that go, "Holy sh!t! You're right." And then I get depressed because I learned about that through the failure of my relationship.

Jayb · 04-27-2012, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadwithouthim

I'm the opposite....I'd rather be alone....I have to force myself out because one needs to get out too.

I read that statics show that 80% of married couples separated for a period of time in their lives. Seems high but after seeing how many come on here it doesn't surprise me.
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Well, my next hurdle is going out alone and being comfortable with it. I don't have close friends who I can hang with on a regular basis. It's just me by myself.

That number does seem high. Who knows? There does seem to be an attitude of, "if you aren't happy, leave." In my mind, divorce wasn't an option.

bandit.45 · 04-27-2012, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jayb

Well, my next hurdle is going out alone and being comfortable with it. I don't have close friends who I can hang with on a regular basis. It's just me by myself.

That number does seem high. Who knows? There does seem to be an attitude of, "if you aren't happy, leave." In my mind, divorce wasn't an option.

I'm a bit of a loner too. I had to go out and force myself to make friends. Now I have quite a few.

Try joining some clubs or social groups. There are lots out there.

jpr · 04-27-2012, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadwithouthim

Ohhhh.....I like that volunteer idea. Maybe I'll check out our local shelter....only problem is I will need to for myself to not bring more strays home.
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...it is a special feeling when you help to find a homeless dog or cat a new home. It is like you are sort of creating a new family. Not only are you saving the life of a homeless animal, but you are bringing unconditional love and faithfulness someone else's home.

Animal rescue is something I am passionate about, but I know that there are so many ways that we all can help improve the world around us. When my ex-husband left me, I felt pretty useless and pretty much like a failure. For months prior to him leaving, I was so focused on how I wasn't good enough for him....and on how I was failing him. I put so much energy into our relationship, and then he left.

My self-esteem took a huge hit. So, I really stepped up the volunteer work because, selfishly, it made me feel valued and needed. It made me feel "of use". I really helped my self-esteem.

It is all a process, and when we are hurting, I think it is good to try to find healthy things that make us feel good--like working out, doing home improvement projects, and helping others.

It makes us more attractive too!

Jayb · 04-27-2012, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SRN

Its not so much drinking, its food, movies, laser tag (yes, laser tag. Who would have thought?), go karts. That stuff. I know that when I'm alone, particularly when I was at "our" place after she left, I'd just end up in the downward spiral emotionally. Maybe once I get into the new place I'll be more content at being alone.

And helping with relationships... crazy. It's like I've become some sort of guru. I see all this crap and tell it to friends and that go, "Holy sh!t! You're right." And then I get depressed because I learned about that through the failure of my relationship.

One of my thoughts when I leave the house after family time or whatever is whether I would have been happier at the house and she moved away. I think the consensus is I'm "happier" away, only because I would go stir crazy with all of the memories, smells, etc. in a somewhat downsized place.