I feel adrift. And, not in a good way. My wife and I communicate a few words every day about nothing important, but the remaining fire/spark between us is dwindling at a faster pace. And, as time passes, I question the point of talking to her at all out of fear that I will get hurt again. I don't see any silver lining in the clouds...
I just feel hopeless at the situation. I'm not ready to move on, find someone else, etc. At the same time, I'm not happy myself (being myself, being by myself).
I flip through a range of emotions: from sadness to hopelessness, from contentment to worry, from confusion to denial.
Overall, it's not a good feeling. I'm less productive at work, less organized at home, just going through the motions of life in order to provide for my children.
Jayb Im sorry you are feeling down today It didn't really start to get better for me till i cut all non business/kid related contact and for a month or two. I still have my hard days or weeks but its been getting better, less of a rollercoaster. Have you been able to find an activity to take your mind off things? That has really helped me.
I feel adrift. And, not in a good way. My wife and I communicate a few words every day about nothing important, but the remaining fire/spark between us is dwindling at a faster pace. And, as time passes, I question the point of talking to her at all out of fear that I will get hurt again. I don't see any silver lining in the clouds...
I just feel hopeless at the situation. I'm not ready to move on, find someone else, etc. At the same time, I'm not happy myself (being myself, being by myself).
I flip through a range of emotions: from sadness to hopelessness, from contentment to worry, from confusion to denial.
Overall, it's not a good feeling. I'm less productive at work, less organized at home, just going through the motions of life in order to provide for my children.
Thank goodness I have IC today.
Anyone else struggle with the lingering ripples?
You pretty much summed up my feelings. Some days i can't describe how I feel other than just numb. My advice is definitely not date if you are not ready....work strictly on you and you getting a life....i was told in the mean time let her live her life...if she comes back it will only be a bonus because in the meantime you worked on getting your own life and if she doesn't come back, you still have a life.
I know its hard but remember you are special and there is a great purpose for your exisistence. You can and will function in life with or with out her. I know its easier to say than do but you really got to work on you.
I don't know your religious background but that Divorce Care (Christian based program) for divorced and separated people is helping me tremendously. I'm meeting really good hearted people there that really care about me. I suggest Googling it and looking in your area for a church that offers it. I wouldn't suggest it if i didn't see positive results from it.
Hang in there. Do me a favor and do one nice thing for yourself or even a stranger today....it will do wonders for your sole. Posted via Mobile Device
I have to become more active in looking at and attending divorce support groups.
Numb. Yes, that too. I think it'd be a tiny inch better to handle if I were secure myself (not depressed individually), had an existing network of friends, more confident/assertive, satisfied.
But, facing all of this at once is disturbing.
I was ables to snap myself out of a funk faster this am upon waking than I have in the past. That is progress, right?
I'm right there with you, Jay. Last night I was out with a friend for dinner and afterwards, about 11pm, I decided I'd stop by my place even though I'm not staying there anymore and its just full of boxes.
I spent about half an hour just wandering, no, moping around the house. Thinking of all the good times we'd had there. Then I did something really stupid. I haven't decided what to do with my wedding ring yet, so its just sitting in a drawer over there. I took it out and put it on. So stupid.
As I looked at my hand at first I was smiling, it felt right you know? I'd worn that thing proudly for four and a half years! Its a plain gold band and its beat to hell from working on cars and the such. That always made me feel good, thought that it showed some sort of, I don't know, true commitment that I'd never take it off for any reason. But then it hit me like a ton of brick that it didn't mean anything anymore. That she threw everything that that ring represented away in the most horrible and harsh ways possible. I ended up on the floor crying for I don't know how long.
Worst breakdown I've had in a few weeks. Just that feeling of loss/rejection that I'm sure all of us have experienced. This morning I'm feeling like you, adrift. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that its been one month since I served her and tomorrow will be one month since we signed and I saw her for the last time. I still get urges to try and contact her, but they aren't as strong as they were. I still have anxiety issues, I still struggle with the "mind movies". My emotions are all over the place from super happy and content with where things are heading in my life, to, like last night, complete dispair.
All I know is that this can't last. It just can't. Human beings aren't designed to endure this kind of torment forever, so eventually you recover and will likely be stronger because of it.
I'm right there with you, Jay. Last night I was out with a friend for dinner and afterwards, about 11pm, I decided I'd stop by my place even though I'm not staying there anymore and its just full of boxes.
I spent about half an hour just wandering, no, moping around the house. Thinking of all the good times we'd had there. Then I did something really stupid. I haven't decided what to do with my wedding ring yet, so its just sitting in a drawer over there. I took it out and put it on. So stupid.
As I looked at my hand at first I was smiling, it felt right you know? I'd worn that thing proudly for four and a half years! Its a plain gold band and its beat to hell from working on cars and the such. That always made me feel good, thought that it showed some sort of, I don't know, true commitment that I'd never take it off for any reason. But then it hit me like a ton of brick that it didn't mean anything anymore. That she threw everything that that ring represented away in the most horrible and harsh ways possible. I ended up on the floor crying for I don't know how long.
Worst breakdown I've had in a few weeks. Just that feeling of loss/rejection that I'm sure all of us have experienced. This morning I'm feeling like you, adrift. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that its been one month since I served her and tomorrow will be one month since we signed and I saw her for the last time. I still get urges to try and contact her, but they aren't as strong as they were. I still have anxiety issues, I still struggle with the "mind movies". My emotions are all over the place from super happy and content with where things are heading in my life, to, like last night, complete dispair.
All I know is that this can't last. It just can't. Human beings aren't designed to endure this kind of torment forever, so eventually you recover and will likely be stronger because of it.
I hear you.
After we separated, my wife's ring just disappeared. I have no idea where it went. I put mine on a few weeks ago and was tempted to wear it just to fit in with "everyone." Then, I took it off. Now, I just think about how much I'll get when I sell it because I need cash.
I wish we could have seen the warning signs way back when. Maybe it would have helped us prepare for these times.
I don't know how my wife processes our situation these days. I assume she hurts, is sad, has regrets, guilt too, but handles it differently. Over a year ago, when I thought things were fine, her hair was regularly falling out. So, we all face stress, just differently.
Everyone says it gets better eventually. I just don't see how or when--knowing how enwrapped I was........or thought I was. Maybe that's just it. Maybe I imagined a far more healthier love/marriage than really existed. Maybe my love wasn't as strong as I ascribe to it.
After we separated, my wife's ring just disappeared. I have no idea where it went. I put mine on a few weeks ago and was tempted to wear it just to fit in with "everyone." Then, I took it off. Now, I just think about how much I'll get when I sell it because I need cash.
I wish we could have seen the warning signs way back when. Maybe it would have helped us prepare for these times.
I don't know how my wife processes our situation these days. I assume she hurts, is sad, has regrets, guilt too, but handles it differently. Over a year ago, when I thought things were fine, her hair was regularly falling out. So, we all face stress, just differently.
Everyone says it gets better eventually. I just don't see how or when--knowing how enwrapped I was........or thought I was. Maybe that's just it. Maybe I imagined a far more healthier love/marriage than really existed. Maybe my love wasn't as strong as I ascribe to it.
Its not so much that I wish I'd picked up on the warning signs, its more that I wish our wives had been up front with us. By the time the signs started showing up, it's too late I think.
Interesting that your wifes hair was falling out, my ex started grinding her teeth at night. She mentioned that she doesn't do that any more now that she's "happy" one of the times we talked a month ago. Made me feel just great.
I think thats the problem with those of us that were betrayed, we thought everything was going well while our wives were plotting and planning and preparing. So now we have to try to get to the point that they were at when they dropped the bomb on us before we can move on.
I also sometimes wonder how she's handleing it. She was always a very emotional person privately. She put up a great front of being strong, but in private she'd get very emotional. I imagine that for the past couple months she's just been focusing on being "happy" with her new life, but I think thats probably going to break down after a bit. But I don't really want to know, and I need to get to not caring either.
Its not so much that I wish I'd picked up on the warning signs, its more that I wish our wives had been up front with us. By the time the signs started showing up, it's too late I think.
Interesting that your wifes hair was falling out, my ex started grinding her teeth at night. She mentioned that she doesn't do that any more now that she's "happy" one of the times we talked a month ago. Made me feel just great.
I think thats the problem with those of us that were betrayed, we thought everything was going well while our wives were plotting and planning and preparing. So now we have to try to get to the point that they were at when they dropped the bomb on us before we can move on.
I also sometimes wonder how she's handleing it. She was always a very emotional person privately. She put up a great front of being strong, but in private she'd get very emotional. I imagine that for the past couple months she's just been focusing on being "happy" with her new life, but I think thats probably going to break down after a bit. But I don't really want to know, and I need to get to not caring either.
You're right, maybe by the time the signs show up, it is too late.
OUR MC said we cannot be friends at this time because we are at 2 separate places on the long path so that neither of us can relate to one another.
And, yes, we have to deal with it, become disengaged, etc., all the while against our will! Afterall, we are the ones who want to stay. Our wives disengaged and withdrew because they wanted to and chose to. Now, we have to, only out of necessity.
Eventually, we'll get to the indifferent place. And, I have a hunch that when I'm there, I'll be there forever, no matter what, aka - not ever coming back.
i teared up just reading the entries you posted. i have my wedding ring on my dresser and see it every day before i head to work and i just have a sick feeling in my stomach and a lump in my throat whenever i see it. yet i refuse to hide it away. i want to get to a point that i am strong enough to see it, recognize and acknowledge the good and bad parts of my marriage, and then go about my day relatively unscathed. i'm not there yet obviously. meanwhile, my stbxw has her ring somewhere in a pocket of one of her pants in the closet and is in europe w/o even bringing it. i can't stand it.
i can't stand being by myself and whenever i can, i go to a starbucks or panera or something just to have noise and bustle around me. being alone at home with nothing but reminders of my marriage is still too much to take. but then i see couples come in to starbucks and i can't take that either. i thought i'd get better with the realization that she's not coming back, but it's all i can think about.
i don't know what advice to give, but just wanted to let you all know you are not alone and that there are others on this forum that can truly empathize.
actually one thing that has helped me a little is to volunteer for a good cause. getting your mind off of things while doing things in the service of others who may be less fortunate gives you some positive energy and also gives some perspective on things.
Jay and for those of you who have been down how long have you been separated?
I get down, but it's not about missing him any more but about the situation he has forced us to be in. I have been separated for almost 5 months and he has recently pulled some stuff that has made my 'switch' turn off and I am done... just as he said he was. I am moving on...
Is there a way to find out if they just totally have disappointed or ended something for you? If you can change your mind set and not make excuses for your spouses for their poor behavior maybe you can get to a good place.
We are worth more than what the dumpers have made us feel lately. I guess, I still need some validation from outside of ME but it's getting better.
What have they done to destroy you? Focus on that... it may help you reach the "it's over" stage.
actually one thing that has helped me a little is to volunteer for a good cause. getting your mind off of things while doing things in the service of others who may be less fortunate gives you some positive energy and also gives some perspective on things.
I was called by a buddy of mine last week to see if I was interested in becoming a den leader for a Cub Scout pack. I was a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout and I loved it. I'm thinking seriously about it. I need to focus on something positive and this may be the ticket.
What have they done to destroy you? Focus on that... it may help you reach the "it's over" stage.
Once you get to that "it's over", TRULY over stage, it's a huge weight off your shoulders. Now, I get sad, but it's not as all consuming.
The ONLY way I got to that point is A). IC and support group, B). stopping contact unless it was regarding the kids or other business and C). asking him if this is without a doubt 100% what he wanted - divorce and getting a confirmation. With this, I am able to focus on my future. My kids' futures. Things to look forward to. And I can REALLY look forward to stuff! Without getting sad anymore that we are not a family. I'm feeling super empowered lately. To know that I'm in control of my life and my future is amazing. I'm not going to deny that I have low points, and that I will continue to have them for years to come.
I was called by a buddy of mine last week to see if I was interested in becoming a den leader for a Cub Scout pack. I was a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout and I loved it. I'm thinking seriously about it. I need to focus on something positive and this may be the ticket.
On the weekends that I don't have my son, I volunteer at the SPCA....I take a dog to an adoption event or something like that. It always makes me feel good to help find an animal a home.
It also is good to get out and meet new people.
You have a great opportunity to explore new outlets and find a new and fulfilling niche for yourself.
10Likes
Just Down 
It didn't really start to get better for me till i cut all non business/kid related contact and for a month or two. I still have my hard days or weeks but its been getting better, less of a rollercoaster. Have you been able to find an activity to take your mind off things? That has really helped me.
