mach7

They haven't quite started yet, but with a helpful device, I know pretty much exactly what my STBXW has told and been told from her lawyer from a convo she had.

We're in a equitable distribution state with fairly large assets. What I have on her - she committed adultery, and apparently hasn't told her lawyer this info, and my evidence is not huge and probably wouldn't be enough for both disposition and opportunity before a judge, but she doesn't know that, and more could be collected with a PI if I chose to spend the bucks.

From what I can tell she's looking for 50/50 split of everything, and to get everything over with as fast and friendly as possible, but also child support and possibly hardship payments. She would get more since I've put more into my 401k during the marriage and also my pension when i retire, and I've done all the savings myself as she moved up the executive ladder. Our main contention has been the religious upbringing of our child. Our salaries are pretty equal at this point, but haven't been that way our entire marriage.

My assumption is that she doesn't want to be divorced under grounds of adultery, for how it might affect her job, and the costs involved in that fight, etc.

My question is, how much will the knowledge of what I know
of her actions and wishes affect the negotiations? Can I ask for more of the assets? Leave our 401k/pensions alone? Give her legal custody (to raise child in her religion), but split physical and no child support? Or get ubertough and threaten to fight for sole legal and physical custody (I've begun documenting and being superdad the past few weeks only)? I think my attorney is pretty good, but I don't know what to have him ask for in the negotiations. Her's told her there probably wouldn't be any litigation and assigned it to one of his lower staff. I have the money for a long legal fight if necessary, but of course it's not my choice. And I assume it would do more harm to our child.

Ideas?

keko

In your state, does filing in grounds of adultery effect settlement?

Is she still living with you in the same house?

mach7

Same house still, whoops looks like wont take marital misconduct into account when dividing assets, but will when deciding spousal support, which i advised probably wouldn't be awarded because of our incomes.

keko

Do you have access to her computer? Which phone is she using?

Is she still involved in the affair?

mach7

yes, home, and yes.

keko

She has a cell phone?

Install webwatchernow.com/or any other keylogger on the computer to get access to her emails.

mach7

thanks, i'd need more legal evidence if going that route though.
i've done all i can without a PI to corroborate as third party.

keko

It's not necessarily for use in court.

I've read plenty of cheating spouse's change their story after story making the betrayed spouse to be the root of the problem.

Also from a personal experience my cousin went through the same situation but had no evidence. At the end of the day his even his teenage kids didn't believe his side.

Having hard evidence and letting her know some details will keep her in check.

PI's are also a good idea but rather expensive. Since she is already home you have plenty of chance's to go through her stuff.

unbelievable

Is she still with this guy? Has she convinced herself that she's "in loooooove"? If so, drag, delay, depose. If she gets anxious enough to get out of the marriage and hook up with Prince Charming, she'll sign anything. In any negotiation, the party with the greatest motivation gets the worst deal. The adultary doesn't really matter much anymore. What does matter is who wants out more.

mach7

It's a work stress release thing, not sure of the love. I denied her the emotional things she needed as we grew apart, she turned to him. She lets him **** her because she can talk to him about her problems. Adultery might matter if his wife comes into play, and the effect on their jobs. She wants out of the marriage with me, with at least kid control, so at least I might not loose as much as I could/would/should financially. I feel in control now, but not sure how much I really have.

keko

Mach,

You need to gather some evidence and notify his wife ASAP. She deserve's to know who she is married to.

Shaggy

I'd Hire the PI and get the hard evidence. If he comes through charge his cost to her in the divorce. Having the evidence now will also stop her down the road coming back for modifications at a later date possibly.
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Pluto2

Agreed, Get the hard evidence. Proving adultery in court is much more difficult than most people realize. Everyone else in the world would believe she did it, but the court needs evidence. I'm sorry